Posted my first story -- friends to lovers, feedback would be great

[DogOnYourRoof]

Breaking and Entering is my first erotic short story. It was expanded from my Gone Wild Audio script of the same name, though it ended up being very different. (I've written about a dozen Gone Wild Audio scripts which are free to read on ScriptBin, if you're interested.)

I'd love any feedback on this story. I have about three more ideas I'm currently working on, including a follow-up chapter to this story.

Thanks, and I hope you enjoy it!

 

[dirk2024]

Hi Dog,

I read your story and enjoyed it immensely! The scene descriptions were thorough and we really got to know the FMC, but much about the narrator. The sex scene was terrific.

Some small things about technical writing:

“I never called her -- her number was right there in my phone, but I just...didn't,”

Two dashes, a comma and ellipses in one sentence. That doesn't read well.
When you start with one of those, the standout phrase should end with the same form of break. Comma to comma, dash to dash, etc.

“I almost asked...but then, I didn't.”

Again, another example of a phrase that should start and end with the same phrase break. You did this a lot in the story.

“I felt like...like I'd crawled”

You're overly reliant on ellipses. Better to write, "I felt like," I paused, "like I crawled." That's not a great example, but I'm in a hurry. You could even add something like, "I felt like," I paused, trying to think of the right thing to say, "like I'd crawled." It gives you an opportunity to inject emotion or something descriptive in there.

These are things that were pointed out to me when I first started writing here. I'm no technicial expert. I LOVED to use ellipses in my first story and it was pointed to me that I shouldn't be doing that.

But back to the content of your story. I did rate it at five stars and am now following you, looking forward to your future stories.

 

[MythicMind]

I think ellipses are fine so long as they are used sparingly and when a text break somehow doesn't work as well. For instance, here's this in my recent story:

But the air suddenly feels different now. Heavier, like the pressure before a thunderstorm. The flames draw tight toward the center, the color deepening from orange to a molten gold. The string lights sway once, though there's no wind—then they go out.

I look up. "That's...weird."

I want it clear there that there's a pause as the guy tries to find the right word. And because it's only two words, a text break wouldn't have worked well, like— "That's," I paused, "weird."

But the examples that dirk2024 gave above don't work in this way. For instance, “I felt like...like I'd crawled” could have been written: "I felt like—I don't know. Like I'd crawled."

However, this is fine:

I immediately took my hands off her, raising them. "I'm sorry..."

Overall it's a good story and well-written.

Here's a tip. I also like using m-dashes. I hate the "--" format. If you want a real m-dash, this works: — That will show up correctly in the final output.