Post Your Terrible Jokes Here...
- Thread starter _Ritch_
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_Ritch_
Nor Here Or There
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Er... As the kids say... "Da fuck?"
Cymru9696
Literotica Guru
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I love country music
UsuallyPresent
General Nuisance
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Dadjoke time (cuz it's what came to mind)
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
See! It works!
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
See! It works!
ReadyForMore22
Virgin
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- Oct 28, 2022
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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
ReadyForMore22
Virgin
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A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
Shenanigans90
Southern Gentleman
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Guys, what’s worse than ants in your pants?……uncles
_Ritch_
Nor Here Or There
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."
_Ritch_
Nor Here Or There
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- Nov 27, 2011
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- 1,146
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman have just spent the past six months trying out for SAS selection. They all make it to the final test. The Sergeant Major is stood in front of three shipping containers and says to the men;
"Inside each container are your wives. To gain entry into the SAS, I want to see you show some real loyalty. So inside, you'll find a gun on a table. I want you to shoot you wife and then you'll be welcomed by me as a brother."
The Englishman flat out refuses. He says, "I'm sorry, I can't do it." He shakes the Sergeants hand and walks off.
The Scotsman walks into the container but immediately walks straight back out. "I thought I could do it," he says "but I can't." He too shakes the Sergeants hand and walks away.
The Irishman charges into the container and for the next five minutes, you hear him yell and curse loudly.
He finally exits, panting and shakes his head at the Sergeant.
"I don't know what amateur show you're running here but there was a blank bullet in the gun. So I had to beat her to death with the table leg instead."
"Inside each container are your wives. To gain entry into the SAS, I want to see you show some real loyalty. So inside, you'll find a gun on a table. I want you to shoot you wife and then you'll be welcomed by me as a brother."
The Englishman flat out refuses. He says, "I'm sorry, I can't do it." He shakes the Sergeants hand and walks off.
The Scotsman walks into the container but immediately walks straight back out. "I thought I could do it," he says "but I can't." He too shakes the Sergeants hand and walks away.
The Irishman charges into the container and for the next five minutes, you hear him yell and curse loudly.
He finally exits, panting and shakes his head at the Sergeant.
"I don't know what amateur show you're running here but there was a blank bullet in the gun. So I had to beat her to death with the table leg instead."
Deadbed1968
Rrrruff!
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- May 16, 2022
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A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and asks them to make them one with everything…
UsuallyPresent
General Nuisance
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- Aug 23, 2019
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How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Orange.
Orange.
AmberLGreen
Wise old cow
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- May 15, 2021
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What do you call a masturbating bull?
Beef strokinoff
Beef strokinoff
PrettyLilPussy19
Literotica Guru
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- Aug 13, 2018
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Why should you take Viagra for a sunburn?
Well it won't cure the it, but it'll keep the sheets off your legs at night!
Well it won't cure the it, but it'll keep the sheets off your legs at night!
Whiskeyjack
The Nappening
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- Oct 5, 2005
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- 15,286
I wouldn't trust those trees... they look shady.
The sign said, "Falling Rocks," so I tried it. It didn't.
I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey. But then I turned myself around.
I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it.
Did you hear about the guy who was fired from the calendar factory? He took too many days off.
Or the two guys arrested for stealing a calendar? They each got six months.
The sign said, "Falling Rocks," so I tried it. It didn't.
I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey. But then I turned myself around.
I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it.
Did you hear about the guy who was fired from the calendar factory? He took too many days off.
Or the two guys arrested for stealing a calendar? They each got six months.
UsuallyPresent
General Nuisance
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- Aug 23, 2019
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- 11,415
Ok, god, these….
Who’s the quadriplegic in the leaves? Russel
Who is he, six months later? Peet
UsuallyPresent
General Nuisance
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- Aug 23, 2019
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What do you call someone with a pet after the apocalypse?
Vegetarian
What do you call someone with ten pets after the apocalypse?
Caterer
Vegetarian
What do you call someone with ten pets after the apocalypse?
Caterer
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