Possible mental damage?

[KLCK]

So out of BDSM sex, what are some of the possible damages that can be done to a participants psyche? Ive seen some threads about direct mental abuse in which a dom ignores the slave or were the dom doesn't provide anything to or for the sub after a scene such as pillow talk. There is also direct physical abuse in which a dom goes too far resulting in a whole variety of issues for the sub. Usually its self-esteem related.

I think the worst kind of mental abuse is somewhat of a snowball effect in which the dom continuously pushes the sub past his/her limits, I think a LITTLE pushing is ok but soon you get sub's that start to lose there sense of self.

I think BDSM has potential for pretty bad mental abuses but that it also has potential for closer relationships by seeing the other participant in a high or low place, allowing a view of more of there entire person as a whole.

I'm a total newb to BDSM so I may just be full of BS....I don't know.

 

[FurryFury]

If there is good communication about limits, if you respect one another, and have safe words. I think the potential for damage is lower than in relationships that don't have those elements.

During play, you could hit a trigger that neither of you knew was there. In that case, you would hopefully stop. Good aftercare should help. This is more than you'd get in most 'nilla relationships but that's only my opinion.

 

[desertslave]

Mental damage is always a possibility, as is physical damage. Generally speaking, the difference (purely IMHO) is that a responsible dominant sincerely doesn't want to break his toy, while an abuser doesn't care. In order to ensure the proper 'maintenance and operation' of said toy, good communication and observation are necessary. Talking to one's pyl before, during and after play helps to keep the situation in hand, as does paying attention to physical cues.

As far as what possible damages one could risk, I would say that a sense of genuine helplessness would be close to the top, as would a damaged confidence/self-esteem. I've been aware of situations in which a dom was so controlling, so absolute in his power, that when he died suddenly the submissive had very few 'life skills' to return her to the real world. She had no idea of their financial situation (fortunately he had a very clear will and didn't leave her in the lurch), hadn't worked in several years, and wasn't terribly skilled in basic problem-solving. Fortunately his intentions had never been malevolent, just a touch short-sighted, so her local and online communities reached out and assisted her in "remedial reality." In a lot of ways, her situation was no different than that of a vanilla stay-at-home-mom, so it's not strictly a BDSM issue, except that I think her sense of needing to be taken care of instead of helping herself was somewhat stronger.

 

[intothewoods]

As a submissive and a bottom, I personally think it's wise to take your time, and be sure of what you seek out, agree to, participate in. I don't find it helpful or constructive to say, beware of the big bad dom who does this! I find it more helpful to think about my own responsibility in the situation.

I choose who I play with. These are people I've known for about a year now, and when I want to try something new, I really think about it. I take it upon myself to ask questions and think about what I'm looking for, and talk to the Top to see if it's what he or she wants as well. Tops are people too. They don't always have all of the answers, and they can't read your mind.

In my relationship, it's different. We don't have a negotiation before a scene, but we talk about what we like and are interested in, and he knows me well enough to know what would be totally out of left field. He's also open enough to say, ya know, that freaked me out last night. Maybe we shouldn't do that. To which I replied, I thought it was hot, honey. I'll tell you if I'm freaked out.

Okay, I think I just said what Fury said but took wayyy too much time to say it.

 

[Caitlynne]

I can understand and appreciate the concern everyone naturally has when considering BDSM. It has the potential for abuse almost written into the script. I can also understand the question here as it comes from a self professed newb and it's a natural question to ask IMO.

I'll let others address the ways in which we all navigate around the inherent dangers of this, and merely point out that the same potential for mental, physical, and emotional abuse exists in ALL kinds of relationships. BDSM has not cornered the market on potential abuse, we just have a few kinks that dance around power dynamics and pain vs. pleasure.

From my personal experience, the harm I have suffered in my life due to intimate relationships came from vanilla relationships, NOT D/s ones. Maybe I was less careful in my youth and because of my inexperience I was not able to set boundaries or meet challenges as well as I am in my old age. Maybe it was a youth factor. Who knows.

I don't for one minute think that BDSM is better or has less abuse because we "communicate" more or respect "limits", that would be arrogant and elitist. There are lots of examples of vanillas acting with the same kind of respect and with the same communication skills.

What it ALL boils down to is using your brains and knowing who you are and what you want regardless of what kind of relationship you ultimately seek. Knowing all the while that there are no guarantees that any relationship will not wreck you in some way in the end. Relationships are risky business whether you want to get married, have children, and fuck in the missionary position every Saturday night, or you want to be flogged then fucked in a public scene. It's all complicated, and risky to the body, mind, and heart.

Short version, it isn't the type of kink you practice or don't practice. It's the people who are doing it. An asshole [male or female] can be a vanilla or a BDSM'er and I don't think there are any accurate stats that reveal that there are more assholes in BDSM than in vanilla circles. You know what I mean?

 

[FurryFury]

Well said!

I can understand and appreciate the concern everyone naturally has when considering BDSM. It has the potential for abuse almost written into the script. I can also understand the question here as it comes from a self professed newb and it's a natural question to ask IMO.

I'll let others address the ways in which we all navigate around the inherent dangers of this, and merely point out that the same potential for mental, physical, and emotional abuse exists in ALL kinds of relationships. BDSM has not cornered the market on potential abuse, we just have a few kinks that dance around power dynamics and pain vs. pleasure.

From my personal experience, the harm I have suffered in my life due to intimate relationships came from vanilla relationships, NOT D/s ones. Maybe I was less careful in my youth and because of my inexperience I was not able to set boundaries or meet challenges as well as I am in my old age. Maybe it was a youth factor. Who knows.

I don't for one minute think that BDSM is better or has less abuse because we "communicate" more or respect "limits", that would be arrogant and elitist. There are lots of examples of vanillas acting with the same kind of respect and with the same communication skills.

What it ALL boils down to is using your brains and knowing who you are and what you want regardless of what kind of relationship you ultimately seek. Knowing all the while that there are no guarantees that any relationship will not wreck you in some way in the end. Relationships are risky business whether you want to get married, have children, and fuck in the missionary position every Saturday night, or you want to be flogged then fucked in a public scene. It's all complicated, and risky to the body, mind, and heart.

Short version, it isn't the type of kink you practice or don't practice. It's the people who are doing it. An asshole [male or female] can be a vanilla or a BDSM'er and I don't think there are any accurate stats that reveal that there are more assholes in BDSM than in vanilla circles. You know what I mean?

 

[Caitlynne]

^ Thanks!!

 

[YourCaptor]

So out of BDSM sex, what are some of the possible damages that can be done to a participants psyche? Ive seen some threads about direct mental abuse in which a dom ignores the slave or were the dom doesn't provide anything to or for the sub after a scene such as pillow talk. There is also direct physical abuse in which a dom goes too far resulting in a whole variety of issues for the sub. Usually its self-esteem related.

I think the worst kind of mental abuse is somewhat of a snowball effect in which the dom continuously pushes the sub past his/her limits, I think a LITTLE pushing is ok but soon you get sub's that start to lose there sense of self.

I think BDSM has potential for pretty bad mental abuses but that it also has potential for closer relationships by seeing the other participant in a high or low place, allowing a view of more of there entire person as a whole.

I'm a total newb to BDSM so I may just be full of BS....I don't know.

Abuse aside, BDSM can get pretty powerful, so I supose the potential is their.

However it's in most peoples nature to avoid mental trauma, just as we avoid hot stoves. So in most non abusive cases it would have to be pursued with intent.

But the mind is complex brew, given the wrong chemicals in the blood and the stars align, something could snap.

I wouldn't worry about it, if you do enter into the caution zone you will know, at least indirectly you will.

 

[KLCK]

Well thanks for the thoughts you guys. ^ _ ^

My safety word is "Turtle".