Pop my cherry!

[luvspell]

Ok not really, but it got you to click on this thread right? Anyway my very first submission just went up on Lit and I would love some feedback. I'm a tough girl so give me the good, the bad, and the ugly! Thanks in advance

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=174894

 

[Singularity]

Encouragement and Suggestions

For a first story, not a bad start at all. Better than many, and with the potential to be much better yet, with a few tweaks.

Here is what I saw, that you should think about.

First of all, you've got some tense inconsistencies. The first two paragraphs are in present tense (aka "now").

But when you return from the prior-day remembering ("I grinned...."), you're in past tense. Two paragraphs of past tense and you're back to 'present' again. And the inconsistencies continue farther along, too. This can be unsettling and disruptive for the reader. Like speed bumps on the road.

I would also put some clearer boundary markers around the beginning of the prior-day event, as well. It takes a few sentences to realize that the "Your fingers lightly brushing..." was yesterday, and not today. Your transition at the end of yesterday is a lot cleaner.

One other literary trap you can easily climb out of is the "I/you" pronoun usage. Readers have a very hard time relating to the "you" since they aren't either of the participants in the story. Using third person (he) instead of second (you) makes it far more comfortable for the reader.

If you find some other author whose stuff you like to read, and you look at the words and sentences and how it is constructed, instead of reading the content, you'll see what I mean.

A few structural engineering changes should make the content flow much smoother.


Happy tales,


Sin

 

[luvspell]

Thank you so much, Sin! I appreciate you taking the time to critique my writing.

Thanks for bringing those inconsistencies to my attention. It's difficult sometimes to see those errors yourself but they really make a big difference to the work.

Once again thank you so much for your honest opinion and kind words of advice.

 

[GuyJD]

Ok not really, but it got you to click on this thread right?

http://forumspam.articblue.nl/thread_related/thread_misc/images/0675.jpg
just j/k......LOL
Great story, Sweetie. We look forward to more in the future.

 

[luvspell]

Hehe, thanks!

 

[Winemaster]

story

it was fun, sexy and hot...I thought it was a story we could like