Pop My Cherry--break in this virgin author with her very first feedback--please!

[Varian P]

Hello there, Literoticans,

I've recently posted a tiny tidbit of a story -- Devan & the Stranger -- and I would be ever so grateful for a bit of feedback.

Be gentle with me. Or be rough. I'll love it either way.

And, of course, I'll gladly return the favor by reading and commenting on something of yours.

Thanks,

Varian P

 

[BlackShanglan]

Mission Accomplished

I did my best to be gentle, darling, but I am, after all, a horse. Feedback posted with the story - which, I might add to others, is well worth reading. Nice little snapshot.

 

[kowalski]

Hi, So I'm your first? Well unless someone beats me to it.

I enjoyed your story, the sex scene was well written, but The first paragraph overwhelmed me, and I found it hard to get past it.

It would have been nice to know more about their relationship, what had brought them together? Why was she fantasising about it? Without reading it through again I'm not sure If I could tell if her mind images were from an actual event (It seemed that they were) or a fantasy.

I enjoyed the description of her masturbation but the whole thing ended a little suddenly for me, and left questions unanswered, did she come in her 'fantasy' or during the masturbation? or both!?

Keep writing, you clearly have talent and I would like to read more things from you, this has whetted my appetite, now give me the main course!

Hope this helps...

 

[MaxSebastian]

Well I thought there was some great writing there, especially for a first-timer, but plenty of room for development, too.

Essentially, it was a vignette, a scene - not a full story. There was some very nice sensual writing, some good language, no real problems in the nuts and bolts of writing prose, though as with any writer more and more practice will mean you'll get even better.

But for me there was insufficient plot and characterisation here - the characters were too blank for me, which defused some of the sensuality you so effectively conjured. And the lack of plot - nothing really happened except the main character thought about some faceless guy sort-of-nearly-forcing-himself-on-her and brought herself off. It didn't really go anywhere.

I guess that "fantasy" stories, i.e. stories where nothing happens except that one of the characters has a fantasy, like Swedish penis enlargers, are not my bag baby. That's not your fault, but it does mean I see this aspect of your story as a flaw.

If you had a scene like this leading on to some "real" action, that would be fine. But when it's all just in the mind of a character, I find that somehow cold, distant. Isn't the whole point of writing erotica that you can write situations as though they were happening? To me, it seems to be pointless to write a fantasy about a character's fantasy. Why not go further and write a fantasy about a character's fantasy about a character's fantasy... I digress.

As a reader, I prefer things that are actually happening! Active, rather than passive erotica, if you like. But perhaps that's just a taste thing on my part.

I think you could have done with getting some dialogue in here, getting some suspense to build the sensuality. But, writing a more active story would get you doing this. We want to know who these people are, why they are attracted to each other - dialogue is great at adding characterisation. You dropped some hints at backstory, which seemed quite intriguing, but then they were just left there, never even remotely explained. That was slightly frustrating for me.

I agree with Kowalski the first paragraph was a little confusing, trying to cram too much in - should have been more than one paragraph, and could have lulled us a little more easily into the story.

And, I think it did end a little abruptly.

Anyway, good start!

Max

 

[Varian P]

Re: Mission Accomplished

I did my best to be gentle, darling, but I am, after all, a horse. Feedback posted with the story - which, I might add to others, is well worth reading. Nice little snapshot.

Your gentle touch was much appreciated. I've sent you a message to express my gratitude in a bit more detail.

 

[Pure]

Hi Varian,

I agree with Max S, on many issues. It's of uneven quality.

You chose a masturbation scene right after the opening, which is a bit of standard formula. Given that, however, it's not bad, if more than a little grabbing for the readers groin (straight, unabashed porn).

I will concentrate on style and diction, which he didn't focus on.

The last part has problems IMO.

As he stood, he brought his shoulders up under her knees, holding them to him. He reached down, guiding his prick inside her. His thickness pressed her open as it moved, deep within her. She covered her bare, bouncing breasts with her arms, but he leaned forward, pressing her wrists to the table next to her shoulders. In this position his rapid thrusts seemed to plunge even deeper inside of her. She writhed and moaned under his pounding cock.

As he fucked her he released one of her wrists and brought his hand down to her pussy. He put his palm flat on her mound, pulling the soft skin there taut as he drew his hand slightly upward. Then he moved his thumb down, onto her clit, stroking it lightly as he slowed his fucking, drawing the shaft out, out, out, then plunging slowly back in. The way he was touching her clit was excruciatingly pleasurable. She moaned. Her excitement thrilled him, but he kept his hips in check, pumping into her rhythmically, teasingly as he worked her into a writhing frenzy with his caresses. Then he began fucking her hard and fast, knowing she would not be able to hold out against the combination of his gentle touch on her tender little button and his penis plunging into the depths of her juicy cunt. With a high, crying moan she came, and he let his own orgasm burst from him.

We've got the 'bare bouncing breasts', the 'pounding cock' 'excruciatingly pleasurable' and the obligatory 'juicy cunt.'

The masturbation scene had some freshness; despite its brass, there was real use of imagining and writing skill; the above passage is rather 'ho hum' and 'by the book.'

Keep at it! (The good stuff, I mean.)