Polyamory

[Desdemona]

How have so many of you been involved in poly relationships? How have they come about?

Snooze was in a LDR and only rarely saw the others. We started out with the intention of being casual play partners. Over time, our relationship evolved. I knew what I was getting into, but until I experienced it, had no idea how I would fare mentally/emotionally in such an arrangement. I gave it a good try... 2 years. In the end, I had to accept that poly is not for me.

 

[Caitlynne]

Triads happen when you are not looking to form them. It really is as simple as that.

If you are looking to do it, then you are trying to fit pieces (people/subs) into a pre-existing picture. People just don't fall into slots that easily. You're not casting a movie, you're forming a very complex relationship. It has to be an evolution, not something you are 'looking' to create.

MOST people are NOT polyamorous, no matter what they may think. True polyamory is RARE. I'll repeat, if you are not sure of who you are with regard to monogamy and polyamory then you should not jump into this. This takes more responsibility for the Dominant, not less.

In any event, triads and quads, etc., form because the relationships evolve into that, not because someone was trying to 'cast' a harem. It usually happens in additions to a family as has been suggested. It has a chance of success if the family has been together for along period of time and is on solid ground. Each memebr is then added somthing akin to a 'new child'. (something akin, I'm not suggesting it is that simple)

It also helps if the "possibility" of adding a third has ALWAYS been present and was never an unspoken "limit". You're not going to have much luck bringing a third (or fourth) into a traid, if the existing submissive thought she was always going to be the "only one". That undermines the trust that has been created in the relationship, and that is something that will also eventually come and bite you in the ass.

You have to be up front with play mates and tell them that should the occasion arise, and the *right* submissive come along, one who would fit into the entire dynamic, that you would want to add her. You need to make this possibility clear to the first submissive you take on. She has to not only accept this possibility but have the right frame of mind to find joy in it. Otherwise it will fail.

Also, it really helps if the submissives have a relationship of their own. It doesn't have to be sexual, but they should relate on some level and relate well. Friendship, sisterhood, whatever you want to call it, they should actually love each other, even if you don't love them. This dynamic is helpful in meeting the emotional needs of the women. They are in fact, less needy, if they have their own relationship and can give affection to each other.

This kind of relationship is mired in so much fantasy and messy outcomes in reality. It is a complex series of relationships, and to be quite frank, most Dominants just don't have the time or patience for it. It sounds lovely, all those slaves, so willing and so ready to serve. But the reality is something quite different. They are all your responsibility. ALL of them. It really is a case of "be careful what you wish for".

That said, when they work, they are one of the most unique experiences you can imagine. Transcendental almost. As a submissive it speaks to the need to serve very deeply. The need to serve a Master and the need to serve the relationship. It can be very fulfilling for all concerned when the proper 'types' are relating.

I would do it again under the right circumstances, it was that rewarding.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

How have so many of you been involved in poly relationships? How have they come about?

My first attempt at a poly relationship was years ago...though it was more a triage than an actual relationship. I was involved with my children's father and my girlfriend. Of course, there were problems..(my known inability to share) so the relationship outside of my home life did not last. It was, however, the first time that I had any inkling about what I needed to be happy.

The one I am involved in now..(my Sir, my petlings, My Sir's other playpets..nilla and submissive) was contractually structured with agreed upon limitations and planning. So far, things are going along fine. However we both have outs (Sir and I) if things do not continue well.

 

[serijules]

Also, it really helps if the submissives have a relationship of their own. It doesn't have to be sexual, but they should relate on some level and relate well. Friendship, sisterhood, whatever you want to call it, they should actually love each other, even if you don't love them. This dynamic is helpful in meeting the emotional needs of the women. They are in fact, less needy, if they have their own relationship and can give affection to each other.

I agree with this 100%. D's other sub C and I were friends before I even came into the picture, and that helped a lot when the relationship moved up a level. We were comfortable with one another, C trusted me to respect the boundaries of HER relationship with D, and she knew me to be someone she could get along with, trust, and love as a close friend. I could *not* share with someone that I did not like, trust, get along with and care about deeply. I know I can go to her with feelings and problems if D is not available and she will help me sort them out as she has many more years experience in this than I do. She tops me in play (and is an extremely good dominant so I have the utmost respect for her.) so we do not have a "sub sister" type relationship, which works best for us as it keeps us from feeling competitive if she is a bit more of a top to me.

That said, when they work, they are one of the most unique experiences you can imagine. Transcendental almost. As a submissive it speaks to the need to serve very deeply. The need to serve a Master and the need to serve the relationship. It can be very fulfilling for all concerned when the proper 'types' are relating.

Again, agree 100%. I have to work very hard to make this relationship work...we all do. It has actually brought me to a level of me being not just submissive to D, but I am also her slave, a level of submission I've never felt before. Because the level of trust has to be *so high* in order to make the poly work, this trust and communication also feeds over into other things in the relationship and I've found myself discovering depths in my submission and love that I never had any idea were possible. I'm extremely protective of not only D, but the entire family.

 

[Marquis]

I want to thank everyone for all their excellent input. I've read every word and gotten a lot of perspective from the posts in this thread.

 

[Caitlynne]

Again, agree 100%. I have to work very hard to make this relationship work...we all do. It has actually brought me to a level of me being not just submissive to D, but I am also her slave, a level of submission I've never felt before. Because the level of trust has to be *so high* in order to make the poly work, this trust and communication also feeds over into other things in the relationship and I've found myself discovering depths in my submission and love that I never had any idea were possible. I'm extremely protective of not only D, but the entire family.

Yes, this is it exactly. There is something about the hard work involved. You face so many things, it drives you to a deeper level of service & submission, and with that you achieve a level of trust you just can't imagine unless you do that work.

Oh, it's so nice to chat with someone who 'sees' it so well. Thank you for sharing so much.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yes, this is it exactly. There is something about the hard work involved. You face so many things, it drives you to a deeper level of service & submission, and with that you achieve a level of trust you just can't imagine unless you do that work.

Oh, it's so nice to chat with someone who 'sees' it so well. Thank you for sharing so much.

I'm not sure I would agree you have to be successful in a poly relationship, or if you are able to negotiate and accept it, that it demonstrates an ability to reach a deeper level of service and submission than those who don't, nor that it necessarily signifies a higher level of trust. Correct me if I misunderstood it, but that is how it reads to me. It could just as easily be interpreted that to be able to accept poly meant you didn't have that close an attachment to the Dominant which enabled enough emotional detachment it didn't cause any disruption to the whole process....but it just isn't the way it is necessarily. I am prepared to do things I know other subs/slaves on this board would never consider (knowing from their posts, not assuming), but that does not mean I am at a deeper level of submission or have a more trusting relationship, just that the dynamics of our submission and what we can and can't handle without emotional or other type damage may differ. I also work toward incorporating others into our play in the way he wishes at this point, and acknowledge that may change in any direction in the future, but I don't see it means I am more submissive than the next person. I just can't buy into this measuring of degrees of submission and whose submission is deeper or more built on trust....who decides what the measurement tool is and how does it allow for the individuality of submissives and Dominants, not to mention relationships?

Catalina

 

[Caitlynne]

I'm not sure I would agree you have to be successful in a poly relationship to reach a deeper level of service and submission than those who don't, nor that it necessarily signifies a higher level of trust. Correct me if I misunderstood it, but that is how it reads to me. It could just as easily be interpreted that to be able to accept poly meant you didn't have that close an attachment to the Dominant which enabled enough emotional attachment it didn't cause any disruption to the whole process....but it just isn't the way it is necessarily. I am prepared to do things I know other subs/slaves on this board would never consider (knowing from their posts, not assuming), but that does not mean I am at a deeper level of submission or have a more trusting relationship, just that the dynamics of our submission and what we can and can't handle without emotional or other type damage may differ. I just can't buy into this measuring of degrees of submission and whose submission is deeper or more built on trust....who decides what the measurement tool is and how does it allow for the individuality of submissives and Dominants, not to mention relationships?

Catalina

Oh no, I didn't mean it that way. Not as a comparison to monogamy. You simply can't compare the two. They are just that different.

I merely was commenting on a reward I discovered in a triad, but I might have found it in a monogamous D/s relationship as well. My comments were about the hard work it takes to make it work. In that hard work, you find level of submission you don't find without that work. BUT, that hard work takes place in monogamous D/s as well. I think the key (which I did not make clear) is in the 'work' part.

So many think that poly is just this easy breezy thing, I just wanted to present the obstacles and the rewards.

There was no 'my poly is better than your mono intended. If it was implied I apologize.

 

[serijules]

I'm not sure I would agree you have to be successful in a poly relationship to reach a deeper level of service and submission than those who don't, nor that it necessarily signifies a higher level of trust. Correct me if I misunderstood it, but that is how it reads to me. I am prepared to do things I know other subs/slaves on this board would never consider (knowing from their posts, not assuming), but that does not mean to me I am at a deeper level of submission or have a more trusting relationship, just that the dynamics of our submission and what we can and can't handle without emotional or other type damage may differ.

Catalina

Catalina,

I didn't see anything in what was wrote in this thread comparing poly to monogamy so I'm kind of confused why you are comparing them now.

What I meant in my comments is that through being in a poly relationship and experiencing the things that I have and the level of trust that has to exist to make it work, I have found a deeper level of submission through that process than I have in the past; not a deeper level of submission in comparison to what a person could find in a monogamous relationship. For me, it was learning to reach a deeper level of trust through hard work at a poly relationship that allowed me to also discover that deeper level of submission. Could some other event or partner or non-poly relationship have brought that about as well? Certainly...but this happens to be the situation that has, and I very much credit the experiences of poly for it.

Every relationship has unique hardships that need to be overcome by both involved, and the act of overcoming those hardships often leads to growth and strengthening of trust. We are just discussing where and how those growths come from in a poly relationship, not saying that this is the *only* way to reach those levels. All relationships require communication and trust...poly relationships require that and more if they are expected to work and remain stable. Since the thread is about poly relationships rather than monogamous ones, it makes sense to me to be discussing those things as they relate to poly relationships. No offense intended.

 

[serijules]

Oh, it's so nice to chat with someone who 'sees' it so well. Thank you for sharing so much.

I agree, I've enjoyed reading your thoughts on this topic as they very much mirror my own, which I actually don't find often. I read so many negative things on poly that sometimes I can't help feeling bummed because my own experience this time around is a whole different world than my negative past experiences, and I want to share that. It's nice to share those good things with the community...I would hate for people to see that someone is in a poly relationship and think "they're doomed".

 

[Marquis]

*Sitting here dreaming of a Harem of strippers bringing cash money home to Daddy after a hard night's work*

 

[serijules]

*Sitting here dreaming of a Harem of strippers bringing cash money home to Daddy after a hard night's work*

Someone ought to smack you...really!

 

[catalina_francisco]

Oh no, I didn't mean it that way. Not as a comparison to monogamy. You simply can't compare the two. They are just that different.

I merely was commenting on a reward I discovered in a triad, but I might have found it in a monogamous D/s relationship as well. My comments were about the hard work it takes to make it work. In that hard work, you find level of submission you don't find without that work. BUT, that hard work takes place in monogamous D/s as well. I think the key (which I did not make clear) is in the 'work' part.

So many think that poly is just this easy breezy thing, I just wanted to present the obstacles and the rewards.

There was no 'my poly is better than your mono intended. If it was implied I apologize.

LOL, didn't think it sounded like you. Sorry for misunderstanding, and yes, as with so many things people can mistakenly think it a breeze, especially if it fulfils a need for them. Highlighting that it is a combined effort of all involved to make it work successfully for all is good.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Catalina,

I didn't see anything in what was wrote in this thread comparing poly to monogamy so I'm kind of confused why you are comparing them now.

What I meant in my comments is that through being in a poly relationship and experiencing the things that I have and the level of trust that has to exist to make it work, I have found a deeper level of submission through that process than I have in the past; not a deeper level of submission in comparison to what a person could find in a monogamous relationship. For me, it was learning to reach a deeper level of trust through hard work at a poly relationship that allowed me to also discover that deeper level of submission. Could some other event or partner or non-poly relationship have brought that about as well? Certainly...but this happens to be the situation that has, and I very much credit the experiences of poly for it.

Every relationship has unique hardships that need to be overcome by both involved, and the act of overcoming those hardships often leads to growth and strengthening of trust. We are just discussing where and how those growths come from in a poly relationship, not saying that this is the *only* way to reach those levels. All relationships require communication and trust...poly relationships require that and more if they are expected to work and remain stable. Since the thread is about poly relationships rather than monogamous ones, it makes sense to me to be discussing those things as they relate to poly relationships. No offense intended.

Sorry serijules, but I was commenting on Caitlynne's comments I have no problem with anything either of you have said and am aware how much hard work is necessary to make any relationship work for everyone involved.

Catalina

 

[serijules]

Sorry serijules, but I was commenting on Caitlynne's comments I have no problem with anything either of you have said and am aware how much hard work is necessary to make any relationship work for everyone involved.

Catalina

I said much the same as she did so felt the need to toss my two cents in LOL. I was just confused where the comparison was coming from since nothing was said in that direction, no biggie.

 

[curiousjen]

I'd just like to say I've found this thread very interesting, as I've just finished reading "the ethical slut" (out of curiousity mainly rather than any real desire to go poly in the near future- but I'd heard it mentioned again and again on lit- I would recommend it as well, its a good read) and I thought it wa nice to see so many people being honest about their experiences. It seems the key to any poly relationship is trust and communication but the biggest stumbling block is jealousy. Speaking personally, it is the jealousy that I worry about being our biggest problem, were we ever to bring a third into our relationship.

 

[Marquis]

I'll just have to BEAT the jealousy out of them, MWAHAHAHAHA!

 

[curiousjen]

I'll just have to BEAT the jealousy out of them, MWAHAHAHAHA!

Not if you're the one who's jealous

Or have you a heart of stone, Marquis?

 

[Marquis]

Not if you're the one who's jealous

Or have you a heart of stone, Marquis?

I used to have a heart but my first old lady left with it. I stuck a piece of ice in the hole and have been doing ok.

 

[curiousjen]

I used to have a heart but my first old lady left with it. I stuck a piece of ice in the hole and have been doing ok.

At least it will keep you cool in the hot summer months I suppose!

 

[incubus'_sub]

I've found this thread interesting too. Marquis, unless you can somehow make the stripper harem thing happen, I'd suggest that you leave this type of relationship for your jaded middle age. Believe me, the rewards are not worth the time & trouble.

I made my comments from an "all in the same household" view rather than including LDR, as it's the crowding issue that causes most of the problems. I don't feel that poly relationships further growth, love & trust but rather the opposite unfortunately. There tends to be lots of communication about love & sharing & isn't it beautiful, but also a lot of hiding of tensions & minor irritations. These things are often not addressed because they don't seem to fit with the idea of this loving family, so they fester & grow. It's not a sexual jealousy in itself, but more often a time & energy problem. In my experience, this type of relationship would have to be the least trustmaking type of all. What is said, done & felt are in this case usually three different things.

 

[Marquis]

I've found this thread interesting too. Marquis, unless you can somehow make the stripper harem thing happen, I'd suggest that you leave this type of relationship for your jaded middle age. Believe me, the rewards are not worth the time & trouble.

I made my comments from an "all in the same household" view rather than including LDR, as it's the crowding issue that causes most of the problems. I don't feel that poly relationships further growth, love & trust but rather the opposite unfortunately. There tends to be lots of communication about love & sharing & isn't it beautiful, but also a lot of hiding of tensions & minor irritations. These things are often not addressed because they don't seem to fit with the idea of this loving family, so they fester & grow. It's not a sexual jealousy in itself, but more often a time & energy problem. In my experience, this type of relationship would have to be the least trustmaking type of all. What is said, done & felt are in this case usually three different things.

Yes, I can imagine the problems, but I do want to give it a try for a number of reasons, not all of which I feel need to be elucidated in this thread.

 

[incubus'_sub]

Damn, now I'm really curious.

Whatever you do though, make sure you wait until Aeoril pops in to post his advice to you.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yes, I can imagine the problems, but I do want to give it a try for a number of reasons, not all of which I feel need to be elucidated in this thread.

Ah, so you are seeking a set of triplets or quads now?!!

Catalina

 

[Marquis]

Ah, so you are seeking a set of triplets or quads now?!!

Catalina

Do you know any?