polyamory/open relationships

[human_male]

I don't have any experience with this, so I hope you don't mind my posting. I just wanted to encourage you to post anywhere you want and if anyone hassles you about it tell them to spin on it.

About the open relationship thing... not to sound like a wet blanket but if you're not happy with it, getting jealous and all that then I think you should tell your partner about it and tell her you're not happy. It's just not your cup of tea by the sound of it. Or if you really want other people involved, then maybe you have this rule where both of you have to be involved, like either a threesome, or one of you watches or whatever, that'd be your business. But if you were both involved maybe it wouldn't be as difficult as you sitting at home feeling all dejected because the person you love is out with her other special person.

 

[fauconier]

Are you implying that all relationships are doomed to fail then? If so, and even though life has proven so far that you are more likely right than wrong, as a hopeless romantic, it still makes me sad.
that said, it also has been my experience that the heart is much roomier and our capacity for love much wider than most of us have been taught to believe

I'm a romantic, too. And I know of really good relationships that can last a lifetime. I agree with PredatorSmile. NEVER give up on love. There isn't anything more important in life, or more worthwhile. Not just romantic love, although finding your true life partner is a very real possibility if you are in a good place for this to happen. As you said, our capacity for love is great, maybe almost limitless. It's all in how we express that love, and in what loving behavior really is.

 

[Etoile]

fauconier: First of all, great post - well expressed. I only have a couple of things to respond to so I didn't quote the whole thing.

But I am skeptical in part because I don't personally know of cases where it has been successful and has made for happiness.

I know of multiple such cases, so perhaps that's why I believe in it more. I also consider my own poly triad "successful" - there has been heartache and there is drama at times, but we all love each other and nobody wants to end the relationship...there are just rough patches that need to be worked on, like any relationship.

It's not that I think that polyamory is 'bad' in the sense of judging its practitioners negatively.

Oh good, because then I'd have to smack you.

I do however truly believe that the practice of polyamory is much more *likely* to lead to disillusion than to lasting happiness.

Actually, I agree with you. It's not for everybody, and as you said - a lot of people think they can hack it, and wind up in pain and emotionally wounded. For the people who are successful, I think it's a source of great joy...but a lot of people try it and fail.

 

[ChristopherMaxwell]

It shan't happen to me, but a chap can dream, right? Just not in the bloody cards.

 

[HDTraveler]

Great thread - thank you

I've fallen deeply in love with a woman who has invited me to be the third person in her relationship - she has another man, and, she is a provider - a lady of the evening if you will. I guess you can't get more open than that.

So we are beginning the discovery and communications process - how we feel, what are the boundaries and expectations of each of us. This thread tells me the importance of up-front open and honest communications. And I agree conceptually with one of you who simply stated you really do not know if it will work until you try it.

I hope to read the continued experience of others here - I greatly appreciate your sharing.

HDT.

 

[fauconier]

Etoile, thank you for your thoughtful response. You exemplify the kind of courteous discussion people can have if they respect one another as human beings even realizing that they may not agree about everything.

I also consider my own poly triad "successful" - there has been heartache and there is drama at times, but we all love each other and nobody wants to end the relationship...there are just rough patches that need to be worked on, like any relationship.

If you and your partners feel that your relationship has on the whole been positive, then I don't think anyone has the right to tell you that what you are doing is 'bad'. Our society is so small-minded, judgemental, and anti-sexuality ... IMHO anyone sincerely trying to make an unconventional relationship work has a lot of courage. I do think (as it seems you do, too) that many polyamorous relationships aren't entered into wisely, IMHO largely because of the emotional pitfalls that can come with multiple partners.

Actually, I agree with you. It's not for everybody, and as you said - a lot of people think they can hack it, and wind up in pain and emotionally wounded. For the people who are successful, I think it's a source of great joy...but a lot of people try it and fail.

I think that's what concerns me. What do you personally think people should ask themselves if they're contemplating a polyamorous arrangement? In other words, how can people get some idea beforehand of whether they're reasonably likely to succeed in polyamory, or if they're better off leaving it alone based on their personal characteristics and vulnerabilities? To me it also seems just as important to be responsible about whom you select as partners. Are they inexperienced sexually? Immature emotionally? Do they have unrealistic expectations that will end up hurting them when they're not fulfilled, or are they entering the relationship with their eyes open? Really, the same kinds of ethical questions that IMHO people entering any relationship need to periodically ask themselves.
I'm still skeptical about polyamory, but I'm enjoying learning about the experiences and perspectives of others. Best wishes to you and your partners for continued happiness.

 

[Nolan]

question

isnt polyamory where the three of you form a family unit sort of all living together and interacting sharing not all having sex like in a triad. What most of you are describing is one person in an open relationship and the other person in a relationship that alows that person to have an open relationship.
In polyamory you are bringing someone into an existing relationship. Not just allowing someone to have someone else on the side.

 

[MapleB]

While I applaud anyone who can make them work, they're not for me. I've tried it before, having had three boyfriends at one point in time, all of whom I cared very much about. However, two were already together before I was added, and I felt very much like an accessory, an extraneous and superfluous "plus" on their relationship. I broke it off with them, and I've been with the third man for a year and a half now. I couldn't imagine diverting my attention from him again.

I suppose some people (like myself) like the feeling of exclusivity, feeling special and secure in the knowledge that you're the only one, and you'll only ever be the only one.

 

[Mr_G]

isnt polyamory where the three of you form a family unit sort of all living together and interacting sharing not all having sex like in a triad. What most of you are describing is one person in an open relationship and the other person in a relationship that alows that person to have an open relationship.
In polyamory you are bringing someone into an existing relationship. Not just allowing someone to have someone else on the side.

YES! What was originally described was not a poly relationship but a one sided open relationship.

 

[Etoile]

isnt polyamory where the three of you form a family unit sort of all living together and interacting sharing not all having sex like in a triad. What most of you are describing is one person in an open relationship and the other person in a relationship that alows that person to have an open relationship.
In polyamory you are bringing someone into an existing relationship. Not just allowing someone to have someone else on the side.

Actually...you're putting a very specific description on a thing that can be very varied. Yes, what you described is a poly triad. Three people in a family unit (or at least all friendly), and maybe they all have sex together or maybe they don't. (This is what I'm in.)

There's also a poly V (or "vee"). This means one person has two partners. Maybe each of those partners also have another partner, maybe they don't.

You don't have to have both partners involved for it to be polyamorous. However...the key thing is that all partners must be fully consenting. If only one partner has an outside relationship, then the other partner must be okay with that, and/or be allowed to have their own outside relationship too. If the other partner is NOT okay with that, then it's called "taking advantage of someone" or even "cheating." A crucial element of making poly work is that everyone is okay with it and not just tolerating it for some reason while secretly hating it.