Poly + LDR = our crazy whirlwind

[rida]

And THAT'S absolutely the point. It's rough, it's risky, it's an immense amount of work and no small amount of potential pain. It's something that happens when suddenly you, or your mate, find yet another extraordinary person who is worth working for, worth re-arranging everything for, worth taking the risks for.

I think that's the real difference that serijules was talking about; there's a great deal of difference between having the occasional fling, permitted or not, or being one version or another of a "swinger", or having a nice little sideline sport-fucking, and actually finding that you're willing to do the work to have a strong, long-term, love-based relationship between more than two people. (NOT judging the former, nobody jump my ass, please, but they are radically different.)

yup. When it's right, it's right, and you're willing to do whatever it takes to manifest the life you want.

hearts to all three of you. And you're right about seri - please keep writing, keep participating. your words are jewels.

bj

Alas I am in the sport-fuck/bottoming category at the moment. And I totally agree that it is different from putting in the work for a poly relationship.

Same as you don't run into a potential soul mate/primary partner any day, you are not going to run into another soul-mate (I believe there is a soul-family more than a single soul-mate) worth rearranging your life for any day either. And when you do, you'll weight the risks and the potential happiness and do what it takes for making it work. Not much different from any monogamous relationship.

Of the people I know and met in my life so far, there is only one person I could see worth doing it for. It is nowhere in the cards of life at present, and chances are it will never be. As such he does not even know my feelings (although Hubby claims he probably knows and feels the same), and I will continue to follow and support his life from afar.

I >1

I want one

LOL!

Such a sweet geek

 

[Homburg]

well you cant have it *wink*

It's mine!

I loved what you said about MIS being worth the risk. You and I have talked about how often Master and I ask, is it worth this pain... and how afraid I am that one day he will say no, it isnt. Thank you for articulating that the risk of heartbreak is a risk worth taking when the alternative is to breathe in a world where he isnt part of mine.

Absolutely. 100%.



-----

Let me start by airing my dirty laundry... I am LilyBart and I am mono.

*snip*

Although I have to admit that as a mother, I am a Tigress. I would never, honestly, call my daughter a homewrecker, ever. But Homburg, you would get a grilling that you would never, ever forget. In fact, I think you would pee in your pants. I know you scoff - but you haven't seen me in maternal action yet. I trust no one when it comes to my children (sons or daughters.)

I have truly phenomenal bladder control

That said, yep, more than a wee bit nervous about meeting her parents. And that is the understatement of the year.

And I've been examined and psychoanalysed by one friend of hers, grilled by a second, and both grilled and threatened with gross bodily harm by her brother. In each case, I apparently passed muster. With her dad, I'm imagining cleaning of shotguns or the "half-acre and a shovel" conversation. After all, it is what I would do.

OTH, both Bijou and Homburg (and Empress Fi and Serijules and everyone else I'm leaving out unintentionally) - your willingness to take great risks to enjoy the truly momentous rewards of being with the person that is worth working for or re-arranging your life for - resonates with me - and yes it is work, and sacrifice. And I applaud that.



~LB

Thank you, LB.

 

[LilyBart]

Thank you for articulating that the risk of heartbreak is a risk worth taking when the alternative is to breathe in a world where he isnt part of mine.

How did I miss this?!!!

Sigh...
My sentiments exactly.

~LB
(I may not be poly but VVVLDR creates many of the same opportunities for thought.)

 

[myinnerslut]

im switching gears in the thread for a second and interjecting a selfish comment:

it is one in the morning. in 8 hours i will be on a bus heading down for a visit that will last three weeks. i am beyond excited. now i just have to finish packing

back to your regularly scheduled prgramming....

 

[00Syd]

im switching gears in the thread for a second and interjecting a selfish comment:

it is one in the morning. in 8 hours i will be on a bus heading down for a visit that will last three weeks. i am beyond excited. now i just have to finish packing

back to your regularly scheduled prgramming....

Yay! Have a fabulous, wonderful, helluva time! (and tell us all about it )

 

[sexycaz22]

im switching gears in the thread for a second and interjecting a selfish comment:

it is one in the morning. in 8 hours i will be on a bus heading down for a visit that will last three weeks. i am beyond excited. now i just have to finish packing

back to your regularly scheduled prgramming....

Have a fabulous time!

{{{Hugs}}}

 

[JMohegan]

now i hae my own question: my life has been kind of complicated lately, largely in part to this new relationship. well, thats not true, largely in part to my interactions with other people about this new relationship would be more accurate. you see, my parents and i have alays been very close. we have always been able to share anything with each other, and i couldnt concieve of leaving something that was this much a part of my life.

they already knew i was submissive, they already knew that i would seek out a relationship within BDSM. that wasnt the shocker. they didnt care much about the age difference when i told them. they werent happy with poly, but after some talking understood. kids in the picture? once more not thrilled, but working towrads getting over it. the big one they can not get past is (drumroll please) Homburg and viv are married.

i havnt been able to xplain that im not the "other women", that im not an affair, that i am not a homewrecker (really hurt when my mother called me that), that im not trying to break up the marrige or replace viv in his life.

i suppose this was more of a rant of frudtration then anything else but if you have any advice, please share.

Sure. My advice is to keep two things in mind.

First, when most people are confronted with the unusual and unexpected, their knee-jerk reactions are based on their observations of others and societal norms. Most middle-aged people know plenty of middle-aged men who are in the process of dumping, or have already dumped, their middle-aged wives in order to take up with younger females.

Based on numbers alone, your parents' fears are not ill-founded - given the fact that they have never met Mr. and Mrs. Homburg. Your parents may trust *your* intentions to be honorable, but it's not really unreasonable for them to be wary of his. My advice here would be to acknowledge their grounds for concern as valid, but to calmly explain why you feel this situation is different. Put the risk you're taking in perspective, and ask for their patience as time will tell.

Second, there are practical issues here. Issues that I'm sure you've thought about carefully and are comfortable with, but that will naturally raise concerns for parents who want the best for their child. Though you are not the "other woman" in any sort of nefarious sense, as long as you are not the one married to Homburg, you will always be secondary to his wife in multiple legal and other tangible ways.

Again, my advice is to address this head on. Acknowledge the issues upfront and explain why the position does not bother you. My observation of parents with college-age kids is that they are far more likely to embrace unusual choices from sons and daughters if they are convinced that the choices are fully informed.

 

[Homburg]

Thank you for this post, JM.

Sure. My advice is to keep two things in mind.

First, when most people are confronted with the unusual and unexpected, their knee-jerk reactions are based on their observations of others and societal norms. Most middle-aged people know plenty of middle-aged men who are in the process of dumping, or have already dumped, their middle-aged wives in order to take up with younger females.

Based on numbers alone, your parents' fears are not ill-founded - given the fact that they have never met Mr. and Mrs. Homburg. Your parents may trust *your* intentions to be honorable, but it's not really unreasonable for them to be wary of his. My advice here would be to acknowledge their grounds for concern as valid, but to calmly explain why you feel this situation is different. Put the risk you're taking in perspective, and ask for their patience as time will tell.

This is essentially how I see the issue as well, and the perspective that recent discussion has bourne out.

Second, there are practical issues here. Issues that I'm sure you've thought about carefully and are comfortable with, but that will naturally raise concerns for parents who want the best for their child. Though you are not the "other woman" in any sort of nefarious sense, as long as you are not the one married to Homburg, you will always be secondary to his wife in multiple legal and other tangible ways.

This is something I've been looking into. While it is imperfect, there are resources on the net regarding polygamy, and how to handle the legal issues. There are some very interesting constructs out there used by normal polygamists (not the Texas commune style) to cover the bases legally. I'm looking at those issues and will likely utilise some of those techniques should the need become apparent.

Again, my advice is to address this head on. Acknowledge the issues upfront and explain why the position does not bother you. My observation of parents with college-age kids is that they are far more likely to embrace unusual choices from sons and daughters if they are convinced that the choices are fully informed.

This is the idea I'm taking right now. I'll be meeting her dad relatively soon, and honestly am looking at it as an interview. I need to have my conceptual ducks in a row so as to properly answer his questions in an informed manner. Some of the potential questions are likely to be quite grim (life insurance, for example), and the answers will thus need to be very realistic.

 

[Marquis]

You're doing the lord's work Homburg, keep it up.

 

[Netzach]

Life insurance?

wait, how long have you been together?

That seems kind of 1. intrusive 2. insane

but I'm not an old fashioned kind of girl.

Yeah, you are doing God's work there.

I'm thinking back to my normal 20's days seriously involved with someone. These were never topics on the table with mom and dad.

 

[JMohegan]

Thank you for this post, JM.



This is essentially how I see the issue as well, and the perspective that recent discussion has bourne out.



This is something I've been looking into. While it is imperfect, there are resources on the net regarding polygamy, and how to handle the legal issues. There are some very interesting constructs out there used by normal polygamists (not the Texas commune style) to cover the bases legally. I'm looking at those issues and will likely utilise some of those techniques should the need become apparent.



This is the idea I'm taking right now. I'll be meeting her dad relatively soon, and honestly am looking at it as an interview. I need to have my conceptual ducks in a row so as to properly answer his questions in an informed manner. Some of the potential questions are likely to be quite grim (life insurance, for example), and the answers will thus need to be very realistic.

You're welcome.

With regard to the issue of MIS being secondary in practical terms, I was actually thinking of big picture issues that might concern her parents as they look down the road. Legitimate grandchildren, that type of thing. To which MIS could respond that she's 20 and it's far too early for a relationship with that level of commitment anyway, or she's decided that she wants a life of intimacy with Viv and Homburg more than she wants children, or she's hoping to eventually function as a 2nd mom to the existing Homburg offspring, or whatever the true answer is.

I agree with Netzach that a life insurance question from her dad would be somewhat surprising, but a lot depends on what he's been told about the nature of your commitment, I suppose.

 

[Marquis]

MIS is 20?

How old are you and Viv, Homburg?

 

[Millificent]

MIS is 20?

How old are you and Viv, Homburg?

Old enough

Master wanted me to add (for those concerned about the longevity of our relationship in regards to the age of MIS): we met when we were young and we've been together a very long time with no end in sight

 

[Qpet05]

i've been reading this thread with alot of interest... and debating whether or not i should put in my 2cents.....

i honestly dont remember who said it nor am i sure i'm remembering the quote correctly.. but this is the sentiment i got from it. If all parties involved in a poly relationship do not WANT to be part of a poly relationship from the "get go" then the relationship is "doomed to fail"..

i am involved in a poly relationship right now with Master, myself and 2 sister subs. When Master TOLD me that He was bringing in my first sister i was TOTALLY opposed to the idea.. i had many days/weeks of confusion.. i knew that Master had made His decision and it was up to me to make mine.. was what i have with Master, the love, caring, nurturing, support.. worth the "trouble" of dealing with a sister sub??

i will be honest and admit that the "green eyed monster of jealousy" was alive and well for a LONG time.. Master dealt with this by keeping my sister and i apart.. NOT allowing us to communicate UNTIL i had shown Him that i was ready to deal with this issue.. and yes.. it took a while BUT Master was consistant.. always showing me that i STILL got all the time and attention i needed from Him.. He was always there for me when i needed Him.. As my Trust and Respect for Master grew ( and yes it was my issues of Trust that had to be dealt with) i began to see that everything He had told me was true.. i was getting everything i needed from Him.. i didn't feel "left out" or "deprived" i also began to realize that i missed speaking with my sister.. (who had been a friend before she became Master's) she and i have been able to rekindle that friendship and are glad of it!!

contrast this to how my 2nd sub sister joined O/our family. she also was a friend that i had known for a number of years. .. she was the one i went to when i was confused about my 1st sister.. pouring out my heart ache... wondering if i could "handle sharing Master" with another. she was always supportive even though she thought of herself as "vanilla" .. and yet she too was looking for "something"... i asked Master to talk with her.. honestly i practically PUSHED T/them together After a while she too became a member of O/our family!!

W/we have been a family of 4 for about 4 or 5 months now.. yes, at times we are still feeling each other out.. BUT all 3 of us girls know that we are all equal in Master's eyes. He doesn't compare us.. we each Serve Him in our own special and unique ways.. we each get the time and attention we need/want from Him...

i have discovered and enjoy the fact that no matter how many sisters i have Master will always care for me as He has from day one!!

So, no, i dont think everyone HAS to WANT the poly relationship from day one.. BUT if you truly love and trust and respect the Head of the family then you can learn to enjoy a poly relationship...

i have learned this lesson and i can't see my life any different.. i would NOT want to lose either of my sisters.. i can't imagine going back to being in a mono relationship with Master.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Life insurance?

I'm thinking back to my normal 20's days seriously involved with someone. These were never topics on the table with mom and dad.

This does bring up a point, in this whole aspect of discussion with family and friends.

I think it's important, with both family and friends, to only give them the information they really want. When you're in that initial phase of wanting to broadcast everything to the universe, you've got to choose those listeners carefully. I love this board for that - we're all ears, whereas the 'rents might not want to know every little detail. I know I have no desire to think too hard about my own parents' sex life, and they likely feel the same way about mine. It's just polite.

One of the reasons we've managed to keep it comfortable with all three biological extended families is that we answer questions honestly and completely when asked, but don't necessarily volunteer anything extra. R's family is the most open. M's family is more conventional, and in our relationship (and in his brother's long-term gay partnership, lol), the policy is the same - they don't ask, we don't force it on them. We let them think about it as much or as little as they want to. And so on.

I have been asked the most outrageous questions over the years, and love answering them, because I really am impossible to offend. But unless people ask, I use the term "mate" which is pretty generic, and don't force them to think too hard about our arrangement.

Thank you for this post, JM.

This is something I've been looking into. While it is imperfect, there are resources on the net regarding polygamy, and how to handle the legal issues. There are some very interesting constructs out there used by normal polygamists (not the Texas commune style) to cover the bases legally. I'm looking at those issues and will likely utilise some of those techniques should the need become apparent.

There's certainly a great deal more available on the net than there used to be, that's for sure. It is also possible to simply create some of your own agreements, and design them for your unique structure.

i've been reading this thread with alot of interest... and debating whether or not i should put in my 2cents.....
********

*******

i have learned this lesson and i can't see my life any different.. i would NOT want to lose either of my sisters.. i can't imagine going back to being in a mono relationship with Master.

Thank you so much for sharing that. You're certainly an exceptional case in both senses - usually a situation like that would lead to a lot of conflict and probably fail, and it's exceptional that you were able to evaluate and work things through so successfully. That says a lot for your self-awareness.

It's certainly not a method I would recommend, but to every rule there is an exception, of course. That's the main point - we have to carefully consider our own nature, and what will work specifically for us.

It's HUGE can of worms, and I'm not necessarily willing to be the one to open it, but I do sometimes wonder how a D/s or M/s dynamic shifts questions of polyamory, how it affects their success and failure. There is no power exchange facet of our household - I'm in fact the only non-vanilla in the house - so it's interesting to compare and contrast that arrangement with Homburg's, which is rather more power-oriented in dynamic.

I will admit there are days when I'd like to take a stiff crop to both the mates, but eh bien, sadly, it's not their style. *grin*

bj

 

[Homburg]

Life insurance?

wait, how long have you been together?

That seems kind of 1. intrusive 2. insane

but I'm not an old fashioned kind of girl.

Yeah, you are doing God's work there.

I'm thinking back to my normal 20's days seriously involved with someone. These were never topics on the table with mom and dad.

I do not expect to be asked that question. I do, however, wish to be prepared for it, along with all sorts of other possibly instrusive questions, should it arise. It's the idea of a job interview, and Marquis' manhole question. I have nbo idea what sort of questions will come at me from left field, so I want to make sure that I have at least given some thought to the various possible questions that I can anticipate.

That said, the "It's too early" defense is one I plan on using for certain questions.


-------


I am awake right now as my allergies woke me up and drove me to take some medicine. I have no words to describe how perfect it is to have woken up with both my gals beside me. I honestly never thought it would come to pass.

Moments like that are why I take the risk. Why I extend myself. Why I gamble so very much. why I work so fucking hard. Those of you that know can understand. It's worth it.

Thank you to everyone that has expressed support, offered advice, and put forth constructive criticism. And huge, incredible, heartfelt thank you to Bibunny. If we had not had that late night conversation, I might never have gotten the resolve/courage to drive to New York. and I would not be where I am right. Well, where I was a few minutes ago, and wgere I'm headed back to right now.

 

[BiBunny]

And huge, incredible, heartfelt thank you to Bibunny. If we had not had that late night conversation, I might never have gotten the resolve/courage to drive to New York. and I would not be where I am right. Well, where I was a few minutes ago, and wgere I'm headed back to right now.

*Tears up* You're welcome, H.

I know firsthand what it's like to regret something. And I didn't want any friend of mine to have to feel that, too. I only wish I had the courage that you have....

*Shuffles off to find a Kleenex* Damn you people for turning me into an old softie. I have a reputation to uphold here!

 

[rida]

...

I have no words to describe how perfect it is to have woken up with both my gals beside me. I honestly never thought it would come to pass.

Moments like that are why I take the risk. Why I extend myself. Why I gamble so very much. why I work so fucking hard. Those of you that know can understand. It's worth it.

...

So happy for you all!

Don't mind us ... will be here keeping the thread warm.

 

[Netzach]

I do not expect to be asked that question. I do, however, wish to be prepared for it, along with all sorts of other possibly instrusive questions, should it arise. It's the idea of a job interview, and Marquis' manhole question. I have nbo idea what sort of questions will come at me from left field, so I want to make sure that I have at least given some thought to the various possible questions that I can anticipate.

That said, the "It's too early" defense is one I plan on using for certain questions.


-------

I am doing something I don't like that I'm doing, but I can't help but find myself thinking and "If I were you" way ---

you've been conducting a MOSTLY LD relationship for 3 mos.

Just about anything past hi how are you what do you do, here's what's for dinner is "too early," IMO.

20 is the time in which we ask our own questions and cover our OWN asses. No matter how much we want our children to have a good life.

 

[Marquis]

Yeah, Homburg, I hope you understand that I have nothing against you and in no way am I trying to sabotage what you have going on or pick it apart or anything like that. Quite the opposite, I would love to see yours and other triads succeed because I am in a triad and I want to be able to gain from your positive experiences.

I understand so much of the position you're in because I've been there. There are others on this site who have been there, but probably none with quite so much in common to your situation as me. When I was in your position, the person I had most in common with was Netzach and I listened to her words very carefully, still do.

Of course, in the end, there are differences in every situation and you know that. A great deal of what Netzach said was extremely helpful, but some of it was dead wrong. I don't think she put her opinion forth with the idea that I had to take everything she said as gospel, but in confusing times its hard not to feel like it's not an all or nothing type thing.

I.E. If they were wrong about "that" they could be wrong about EVERYTHING.

It doesn't really work that way. There are a lot of commonalities here, a lot of really simple common sense things that you are missing right now because most of your blood is going to your dick.

And not just your dick down there that you use to fuck with, but your inner dick, the dick in your mind that makes you ambitious in a way that wants to fuck and rule the world, the mind dick that every man has and can pierce through the roof of his skull when he goes mad with lust and power.

As far as you're concerned, I'm probably just some punk kid who was probably playing dodgeball with the other third graders while you were going to your senior prom.

But the fact is, this isn't an all that common situation to be in and I've been through it. C, lo and I have been together, in person, for 15 months now. We were LD for over a year before that and this isn't even my first committed triad.

Specific experience aside, there are a lot of really smart, open-minded and goodhearted people on this board. When I was going through a similar experience to what you're dealing with now, JMohegan was one of my most vocal supporters. I use the term supporter loosely, because a great deal of his "support" came in the form of poking holes in my flawless plans for the future with his usual dry aplomb. As far as I know, JMo has never been in a poly situation, but he knows this too and his questions take this into account. I listened carefully to what he had to say and still do.

Why?

Because, as you certainly know, you're going to be interacting with a lot of people that are not as experienced, open-minded or unattached as the people on this board. It's clear that you want to use this board as a way to prepare yourself for the greater challenges you are going to face. But you need to help us help you, and that means taking some of those defenses down.

It's a tough situation, I know. Both of your girls are reading and participating in this conversation. You're asking the advice of people who have their own issues, and sometimes its hard to tell when they're talking about you or themselves.

These are all things that you must and will figure out on your own. But in the mean time, don't be afraid to say "I don't know" or even "I have no fucking idea."

Don't be afraid of losing what you have. Remember that you have what you have because of you, not because of them. If you have to change who you are to have it, isn't worth it. Really.

But my instincts tell me you don't need to change who you are at all. My instincts are that you're going to have everything you want (and then some) because you're a good guy who's willing to work for what he wants and accept the things he can't change.

I think you're going to be fine, I just think you need to chill out a little bit.

 

[Homburg]

I'm probably coming across more frantic than I actually am. It's the insurance guy in me. If you work risk management long enough it gets in your head, and infects your life. You tend to overthink stuff, and at least formulate basic plans for all sorts of possible exposures. I'm not changing who I am, I'm not buying term life insurance. I'm not doing anything currently but enjoying what I have. I'm just puttig enough thought into it to show that I am thinking about it.

As far as you're concerned, I'm probably just some punk kid who was probably playing dodgeball with the other third graders while you were going to your senior prom.

Not at all. I have a serious amount of respect for you, Marquis, not only because you've been part of a successful triad for a long but simply because you are an intelligent chap with worthwhile things to say. Same goes for Netzach, and I've been listening very closely to her posts.

I really think that I'm not sounding how I'm acting. Probably inner anxieties flavouring what is going on. *shrug* I'm not as worried about the meeting as it sounds like. This really is par for the course for me insofar as risks go. After all, I'm one of those people that has a 110 gallons of purified water in the garage should the water supply get disrupted, and various Ready Bags packed in case of hurricane evacuation. The one lesson that I really owned from scouting was "Be Prepared", and that is all I'm doing her (in my usual slightly paranoid, insurance guy way).

And not just your dick down there that you use to fuck with, but your inner dick, the dick in your mind that makes you ambitious in a way that wants to fuck and rule the world, the mind dick that every man has and can pierce through the roof of his skull when he goes mad with lust and power.

This is utterly brilliant. Whenever I hear "You're thinking with your dick," I laugh. I very, very rarely think with my dick. If I did, I would've gotten into a helluva lot more trouble. But this inner, mental dick concept is spot-on. Almost creepy.

Definitely something to think about, in a post that was already packed with damned good words. Thank you, sincerely. And my specific thanks to Netzach as well. Trust me when I say that I am NOT ignoring what you say.

 

[myinnerslut]

im just popping my head in to let you all know im alive and well. as Homburg has already stated, i was there last night. it was a loooong loooooooong day of traveling but totally worth it.

to address a few previos concerns:

viv and i get along fabulously, in every way. all worries that we might not "click" in person were completely unfounded.

the kids and i have also met and, not to sound repetitive, but also get along fabulously.

it was a great day all around and i look forward to three more weeks of pure happy.

 

[BiBunny]

im just popping my head in to let you all know im alive and well. as Homburg has already stated, i was there last night. it was a loooong loooooooong day of traveling but totally worth it.

to address a few previos concerns:

viv and i get along fabulously, in every way. all worries that we might not "click" in person were completely unfounded.

the kids and i have also met and, not to sound repetitive, but also get along fabulously.

it was a great day all around and i look forward to three more weeks of pure happy.

Yay, congratulations!

 

[sanjuaneros]

Congratulations to all of you. I knew it would work out.

im just popping my head in to let you all know im alive and well. as Homburg has already stated, i was there last night. it was a loooong loooooooong day of traveling but totally worth it.

to address a few previos concerns:

viv and i get along fabulously, in every way. all worries that we might not "click" in person were completely unfounded.

the kids and i have also met and, not to sound repetitive, but also get along fabulously.

it was a great day all around and i look forward to three more weeks of pure happy.

 

[myinnerslut]

bumping for those who are interested...

yesturday was the one month anniversary of my collaring (and the five month anniversary of viv's). it was really a night to be remembered.there has been so much going on over here that life has been on crazy happy hectic blur.

a few nights ago i was registered on the slave register (see new location), and it felt amazingly RIGHT.

for the first time the LDR part of the relationship has all but been wiped clean and it is the happiest ive been in a long time. i am fully aware now that i made the right descision in ending the (as Master says "toxic") relationship with A and moving on to this fabulous new part of my life.

as for viv and i, things couldnt be better. if we arent spending time with Homburg we are off together doing something or other, plotting, planing, and just enjoying each other's... company

and on a note that needs a picture to accompany it but its not on my camera so i cant post, (mabye Homburg coul do that for me...) yesterday i got his initial carved lightly into my upper thigh. once more, and i fear i am overusing this word but it applies, amazing.

we have truly transformed from a girl on her computer many states away from the people she loved but hadnt met or had much time with to a happy healthy working and wonderful triad (see Homburg's AV) that i can see lasting a long long time.