Poly + LDR = our crazy whirlwind

[intothewoods]

Man, some of you would REALLY have issues with my relationship and the dynamics of it.

Anyhow...

One thing i wanted to bring up. It is not necessary for everyone to be 100% happy all the time. If you haven't figured this out yet, you may have been in many failed relationships already and may want to think this over.

Sometimes people are *gasp* willing to give up things they want for another person. It may not be ideally, exactly what they want, but they are willing to give it up for the sake of something else. It's called compromise. Many people live long happy healthy relationships based on a little compromise.

I want kids, I do. I want to be Ma'ams owned, live in slave. I don't want to be Ma'ams slave and be a mother at the same time. I chose to give up the idea of having children for the sake of moving to PA and being a slave.

Guess what? A lot of thought went into it. Some sadness and pain resulted from the decision. So did much happiness and joy. Both are things I want. One is better suited for me. I made my choice based on that. I may regret my choice someday...and if that someday comes, I'll deal with it then and I'm sure I'll be just fine. Life is full of opportunities for regret. I'll soon regret posting this.

I'll live.

When I tell people this, I get the OMGWTF YOU WILL BE SO UNHAPPY AND RESENT HER BECAUSE YOU WON'T GET TO BE A MOMMY!!!

And...what about when I'm the mom of 3 kids and I'm extremely unhappy because I'm not living the other life I wanted? Somehow people always seem to forget about the other side of the coin.

When someone shares a decision here....you don't know all the details. You never will, thus any advice or reaction you have (general you...) is likely to be uninformed and perhaps very off base. Not to say advice should never be given....but judgements and assumptions should be handed out with extreme care. You are uninformed. Keep that in mind.

Oh and one last thought while I'm in this probably regretful, rather bitchy mood....some are so quick to point out that kids are bright, they are smart, they pick up on things, etc.

Ever consider that perhaps they also see the happiness, the benefits, the peace in their parents that results in being in relationships that work for them, even if those relationships are not "normal" by societies means? Ma'ams kids see a lot more than most people would agree with and support...and they are extremely insightful, open kids who sees their mother very happy and that makes THEM happy. They saw how unhappy and miserable she was all those years with their father, trapped in a relationship that was "normal" but killed her spirit.

Yes, they ARE insightful, they DO see things, it DOES affect them....and if done right, it will affect them for the positive.

It's not what you do, it's how you do it.

Ahem. Since my last post was a tad snitty, I would like to say that I think it is very wise, Seri, for you to get that having 3 kids and not having your current relationship may very well leave you unfulfilled. Some people are a little nuts about the everyone MUST REPRODUCE message. I mean, geesh, we've got plenty of people on the planet.

 

[serijules]

Regardless, my assumption was that a respectful though not celebratory post is welcome here. If that's not the case, please say so.

I think a respectful reply in ANY thread is welcome, regardless of pro or con. It's when people come in and start saying negative things with nothing to back their opinions up and no REASON to be saying that shit in the first place that it becomes, IMO, unwelcome and rather lame.

I remember when I was little and had to go to church with my parents. There was this one lady that came every sunday and complained about EVERYTHING...the way mass was done, the priest, the music, everything. One day I looked at her and said in my five-year-old-reasoning "Why don't you go somewhere else then?" I had no concept of sarcasm at that age....I meant it, I really wanted to know why she didn't go somewhere where things were done to her liking instead of coming and complaining about ours.

I find it works great to apply that five-year-old simplicity in a lot of things. If someone is so against poly despite having no experience or understanding of it and don't seem willing to relook at their opinions regardless of the quality of information given....why "come to our church" so to speak?

Respectful questions and arguments are great, they make for good discussion fodder and allow for broadening of minds all the way around.

POLY SUCKS and likewise attitudes have absolutely nothing to offer. I'll never welcome that kind of "feedback". I think it's just flat out rude and it's one thing I'll stand up to.

 

[Homburg]

I thought I'd quote H's first post, because while I thought kinky meh's post was inappropriate and not useful for this thread, I didn't know this was a thread to "celebrate poly."

I certainly don't want anyone's relationship to fail, and I don't sit around taking inventory of everyone here. But I don't know enough about anyone's relationship here to make a judgment either way. The anecdotal evidence offered about successful poly relationships with children is wonderful. But it's just that. Anecdotal. I know plenty of selfish people who say the right things, but really don't give a shit that their kids just want to be normal, like everyone else. I'm not saying that has to be so for a kid to turn out okay, just that I don't have enough to go on. My opinions aren't based just on anecdotal evidence, but a whole bunch of things. And of course plenty of people who aren't poly screw their kids up. But we're not talking about all the choices a parent might make here.

Regardless, my assumption was that a respectful though not celebratory post is welcome here. If that's not the case, please say so.

I won't comment on the respectful/disrespectful angle as Seri handled it. I will ask that if your opinions are based on something other than anecdotal, please share. Non-anecdotal implies studies, research articles, etc. I would honestly like to see that.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

As always, serijules, your thoughts are extraordinarily well-put, and you made an excellent point particularly about life and its choices - whenever I make a choice, I choose against the alternatives, and there is always an opportunity for regret, if one chooses to go that direction.

Rida, Fi, I also really appreciated your takes on the whole topic. And yes, this isn't really a thread about poly as such, as far as I can discern, but rather about poly people and ways they might be able to offer their own thoughts in assistance to this particular triad and others who might be in similar situations.

I can certainly quote an equal number of situations in which poly has destroyed a relationship, but I think it's safe to generalize to a certain extent: People who are genuinely poly, who know themselves to want and need that structure, and who use the right tools diligently, tend to succeed. It's kinda the same as monogamy in that sense. The question is one of being true to one's nature, whatever it is.

Respect is another issue entirely, and one that's pretty global. I'd love to demand respect from everyone regarding my lifestyle, but there are those who just will not offer it. meh. no big deal. People are going to do what they're going to do.

Astoundingly articulate things going on in here, and I for one am very appreciative of the dialogue and the ideas being shared.

bj

 

[Homburg]

Rida, Fi, I also really appreciated your takes on the whole topic. And yes, this isn't really a thread about poly as such, as far as I can discern, but rather about poly people and ways they might be able to offer their own thoughts in assistance to this particular triad and others who might be in similar situations.

Indeed. The intent of the thread was to discuss the combination of poly and LDR, as I know some folks on this board are involved in similar situations.

Part of the problem here lies in history. When one sets up a pattern of consistent negativity towards a certain subject, the most common response is "Oh geeze, not this shit again!", not a rational reading of the material. That was admittedly my response. *shrug*

Astoundingly articulate things going on in here, and I for one am very appreciative of the dialogue and the ideas being shared.

bj

Well, of course, you're here, darlin.

 

[EmpressFi]

right..it was my understanding this was a thread where we who are not only poly but in LDR could gather for support and sharing of information. I think Seri said it best though.. any comment, positive or negative should be accepted... but please be respectful when making it

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Indeed. The intent of the thread was to discuss the combination of poly and LDR, as I know some folks on this board are involved in similar situations.

Part of the problem here lies in history. When one sets up a pattern of consistent negativity towards a certain subject, the most common response is "Oh geeze, not this shit again!", not a rational reading of the material. That was admittedly my response. *shrug*



Well, of course, you're here, darlin.

Shucks. smooch to you.

as to the combination of poly and LDR, our household has done that twice now, and in both cases the LDR was pretty obviously temporary; once everyone had met and interacted sufficiently, and things had been negotiated, it was a question of how long the LDR part would last before we were all in the same place, not an if but a when.

That has to be very carefully negotiated, and obviously the relationship that must be looked at most closely is the one between the people who didn't initiate the situation. In your case, that's MIS and viv. In my case, it was the two male partners, who are both straight and had no real potential for a sexual or "love" relationship in the conventional sense. I needed to stand back and let them decide if they wanted to bond, and how.

It's hard not to worry and very hard not to try to control that, because obviously the person in my, or Homburg's, position has a lot to gain or lose from that process, but it was essential that I not interfere, and that I respect their decisions. Happily, they formed a relationship quite independent from the ones they each have with me, and I'm quite committed to supporting that friendship between them. Slave or not, no one can make anyone feel something if they don't naturally feel it, and that can be a really stressful stage. Y'all have such an advantage in the internet communication; viv and mis can be face to face, essentially, a great deal more often than R and M were able to.

helps that they're female, too. Women, i think, are more efficient at finding ways and reasons to bond and communicate. It was pretty dicey when M and R started trying to get to know one another. They're extremely different people and at first I was the only thing they had in common.

Star Trek, heh heh. And computers. That was the real bond, and one I really don't share. Maybe that's an important bit to put in here too - I carefully stay OUT of their relationship, unless I feel like they're really not communicating and need a translator. I let them form themselves and interact in their own way, and support but don't demand. It's sometimes hard to stay out of that, but it's important.

If that connection hadn't been a good one, regardless of my adoration for either one of them, I wouldn't have suggested putting us all in the same household together. I'd have continued the LDR indefinitely, which would have been a pain in the ass, but anything else would be destructive to what was then my primary long-term partnership.

It was also important to me that R, the "new" relationship, was clear on his respect for, and commitment to, the partnership that already existed. Once that was clearly true, only then could we begin to discuss the possibility of his moving into the household.

the family was another matter entirely. From their point of view, M and I had been "married" for years at that point, and they couldn't NOT see R as some sort of interloper, competition, a "homewrecker", a threat to the existing partnership. Their monogamous point of view wouldn't allow that stretch.

You can't talk people out of their world views. All i could really say to them was that i hoped they would simply watch and try to understand, and that if in fact this worked for us, they might someday recognize that fact.

Eight years later, our poly household is still doing just fine and at least a few members of the family have quit worrying about my "marriage" being "destroyed" by the new partner. He's as solid and acknowledged a member of the household now as we are. People generally don't change their views all that much, and perhaps they still worry a bit, but at least they've learned to shut the fuck up about it. Sometimes that's as good as it gets.

bj

 

[BiBunny]

People generally don't change their views all that much, and perhaps they still worry a bit, but at least they've learned to shut the fuck up about it. Sometimes that's as good as it gets.

Honestly, sometimes I think that's all you can hope for.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Honestly, sometimes I think that's all you can hope for.

WORD.

bj

 

[intothewoods]

I won't comment on the respectful/disrespectful angle as Seri handled it. I will ask that if your opinions are based on something other than anecdotal, please share. Non-anecdotal implies studies, research articles, etc. I would honestly like to see that.

Non-anecdotal includes all sorts of things, but I didn't come into this thread and make an argument against poly. I gave some advice about how to talk to a parent, who as I understand it, isn't poly.

I'm actually quite content to shut up about it (it being my opinion on poly), and I mean that 100% sincerely. I don't think poly is wholesale wrong anyway, even for parents. At any rate, I just wanted to respond to Homburg's post.

 

[rida]

...
Helps that they're female, too. Women, i think, are more efficient at finding ways and reasons to bond and communicate.
...

Great post bj! And congratulation on your successful triad.

Just wanted to comment on the sentence above: I think that being female is a double hedged sword. As you said, we are more efficient at finding ways to bond. On the other hand we can also be more subtle and vicious in our jealousy and in the way we undermine the other partner.

I wonder if the fact that the same-sex partners are bi and can build an emotional/sexual relationship on their own would make things easier or harder.

Anyway, I think that your points:
do not force;
stay out of their space;
respect for the original couple
are the crucial points to start with.

 

[Homburg]

Shucks. smooch to you.

as to the combination of poly and LDR, our household has done that twice now, and in both cases the LDR was pretty obviously temporary; once everyone had met and interacted sufficiently, and things had been negotiated, it was a question of how long the LDR part would last before we were all in the same place, not an if but a when.

That has to be very carefully negotiated, and obviously the relationship that must be looked at most closely is the one between the people who didn't initiate the situation. In your case, that's MIS and viv. In my case, it was the two male partners, who are both straight and had no real potential for a sexual or "love" relationship in the conventional sense. I needed to stand back and let them decide if they wanted to bond, and how.

This is essentially what is going on with the upcoming visit. She's had a coupla chances to decide whether or not she is compatible with me. So far it's a yes. Now we will see how the two of them work together.

It's hard not to worry and very hard not to try to control that, because obviously the person in my, or Homburg's, position has a lot to gain or lose from that process, but it was essential that I not interfere, and that I respect their decisions. Happily, they formed a relationship quite independent from the ones they each have with me, and I'm quite committed to supporting that friendship between them. Slave or not, no one can make anyone feel something if they don't naturally feel it, and that can be a really stressful stage. Y'all have such an advantage in the internet communication; viv and mis can be face to face, essentially, a great deal more often than R and M were able to.

helps that they're female, too. Women, i think, are more efficient at finding ways and reasons to bond and communicate. It was pretty dicey when M and R started trying to get to know one another. They're extremely different people and at first I was the only thing they had in common.

Star Trek, heh heh. And computers. That was the real bond, and one I really don't share. Maybe that's an important bit to put in here too - I carefully stay OUT of their relationship, unless I feel like they're really not communicating and need a translator. I let them form themselves and interact in their own way, and support but don't demand. It's sometimes hard to stay out of that, but it's important.

This actually hasn't been that tough for me. Aside from initial prodding to get them past their mutual fears, I haven't really done much. I keep up with it to ensure that they are both talking, and that's it. And, honestly, after that first little while, I haven't had to do anything. They really are getting on smashingly well.

If that connection hadn't been a good one, regardless of my adoration for either one of them, I wouldn't have suggested putting us all in the same household together. I'd have continued the LDR indefinitely, which would have been a pain in the ass, but anything else would be destructive to what was then my primary long-term partnership.

This is is a damned good back-up plan, and the one that I've mostly decided on if things don't gel.

It was also important to me that R, the "new" relationship, was clear on his respect for, and commitment to, the partnership that already existed. Once that was clearly true, only then could we begin to discuss the possibility of his moving into the household.

the family was another matter entirely. From their point of view, M and I had been "married" for years at that point, and they couldn't NOT see R as some sort of interloper, competition, a "homewrecker", a threat to the existing partnership. Their monogamous point of view wouldn't allow that stretch.

You can't talk people out of their world views. All i could really say to them was that i hoped they would simply watch and try to understand, and that if in fact this worked for us, they might someday recognize that fact.

Eight years later, our poly household is still doing just fine and at least a few members of the family have quit worrying about my "marriage" being "destroyed" by the new partner. He's as solid and acknowledged a member of the household now as we are. People generally don't change their views all that much, and perhaps they still worry a bit, but at least they've learned to shut the fuck up about it. Sometimes that's as good as it gets.

bj

This is my hope as well, in regards to all three sets of parents. They'll get used to it, or they'll learn to shut the fuck up. Either result is fine by me.

 

[naxalite0906]

Ok... So I dont post much, nor do I know either of you very well, but I still felt the need to say something.

I must be honest and say that I have never been someone who wants a poly relationship. In my opinion I don't think it is a good way of doing things, and it is definitely against any beliefs I have of what a relationship should be. Along with my trust issues, and general feelings about what a relationship should consist of, it is definitely not a way I could live my life. In fact, in some instances I find it a bit over the top and feel that it is the wrong thing for others to do too.

However, reading this thread was a bit of an eye opener to me and I found it very interesting. It still hasnt made me want to change my ways though! lol. But, I did want to say that I admire everything about what you are doing. You have approached it in the most logical way possible and even though I still find the idea weird, you seem to have installed all the values within your relationship that I have always considered important to any relatonship. I know there are so many bridges to cross with something like this, but I do admire the way you have gone about the whole thing and I hope it continues that way and you can remain to be happy. I guess my main worry about any poly relationship, is the thought of the balance of the whole thing never being maintained and someone getting hurt, but if you can continue to avoid this then I wish you all the best

 

[serijules]

I guess my main worry about any poly relationship, is the thought of the balance of the whole thing never being maintained and someone getting hurt, but if you can continue to avoid this then I wish you all the best

I'm seeing a lot of non-poly people mention this "someone getting hurt" thing, and thought I would talk about it a bit.

People get hurt just as often in monogamous relationships as they do in poly. I would dare say there is absolutely no "difference" between the two when it comes to people getting hurt. When people are in relationships, they risk getting hurt. Period.

It's not like people in a poly relationship go into the relationships unaware of the fact there are other people. Often they have relationships with those other people as well. The stakes are higher, so people work harder to communicate and work things out. When your actions are going to affect more relationships than just one on one, you have more incentive and support to work things out.

Poly gets a bad name because there are so many people out there that claim "poly" and are really just idiots who want an excuse to cheat on their partners or have more sex or some bullshit. That isn't poly, yet it often gets thrown over to our side of the fence where it doesn't belong. That gives non-poly people an unrealistic example of what poly really is all about.

Besides, why worry so much about someone in a poly situation getting hurt versus a monogamous one? We are not fragile, we hurt and survive the same way "you" do It's not like poly people go into the relationship and have poly forced on them or something, it's a choice they want and embrace, not one they grudgingly accept (in most cases).

 

[intothewoods]

I think a respectful reply in ANY thread is welcome, regardless of pro or con. It's when people come in and start saying negative things with nothing to back their opinions up and no REASON to be saying that shit in the first place that it becomes, IMO, unwelcome and rather lame.

I remember when I was little and had to go to church with my parents. There was this one lady that came every sunday and complained about EVERYTHING...the way mass was done, the priest, the music, everything. One day I looked at her and said in my five-year-old-reasoning "Why don't you go somewhere else then?" I had no concept of sarcasm at that age....I meant it, I really wanted to know why she didn't go somewhere where things were done to her liking instead of coming and complaining about ours.

I find it works great to apply that five-year-old simplicity in a lot of things. If someone is so against poly despite having no experience or understanding of it and don't seem willing to relook at their opinions regardless of the quality of information given....why "come to our church" so to speak?

Respectful questions and arguments are great, they make for good discussion fodder and allow for broadening of minds all the way around.

POLY SUCKS and likewise attitudes have absolutely nothing to offer. I'll never welcome that kind of "feedback". I think it's just flat out rude and it's one thing I'll stand up to.

Ha, yes, I'm familiar with this idea. It's the difference between complaining and being actively engaged in a conversation, or even an argument.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Naxalite, your post was well-thought out and I appreciated it. There's nothing wrong with asking questions, or thinking through how you feel about something, even though it's not your particular style. The post below got lost in the shuffle back there and it's a brilliant answer to a lot of the typical "doubts" raised by people in discussions like these.

I think everyone is in a poly relationship of some kind.

If you are a parent and have more than one child then you already know how to love more than one person.

If you have a significant other then you know how to balance your time with them and your friends so no one gets jealous or resentful.

If you are a single parent and find a new significant other then you have to know the right way to incorporate that new person into your life and your child's life.

Yes, I know it's not the same. I know the love between parent/child is different from partner/partner but the principles are still the same.

It just shows that any person can love, care for, nurture, and have a lasting relationship with more than one person.

*shrug* I don't know if I make any sense but it helped me to better understand poly relationships to think of it in this context.

Good luck Homburg, viv, and MIS.

And this too. Serijules, once again I'm bowled over by how articulate you are. An excellent response. Particularly the highlighted bits.

I'm seeing a lot of non-poly people mention this "someone getting hurt" thing, and thought I would talk about it a bit.

People get hurt just as often in monogamous relationships as they do in poly. I would dare say there is absolutely no "difference" between the two when it comes to people getting hurt. When people are in relationships, they risk getting hurt. Period.

It's not like people in a poly relationship go into the relationships unaware of the fact there are other people. Often they have relationships with those other people as well. The stakes are higher, so people work harder to communicate and work things out. When your actions are going to affect more relationships than just one on one, you have more incentive and support to work things out.

Poly gets a bad name because there are so many people out there that claim "poly" and are really just idiots who want an excuse to cheat on their partners or have more sex or some bullshit. That isn't poly, yet it often gets thrown over to our side of the fence where it doesn't belong. That gives non-poly people an unrealistic example of what poly really is all about.

Besides, why worry so much about someone in a poly situation getting hurt versus a monogamous one? We are not fragile, we hurt and survive the same way "you" do It's not like poly people go into the relationship and have poly forced on them or something, it's a choice they want and embrace, not one they grudgingly accept (in most cases).

thanks.

bj

 

[Homburg]

*snip*

Besides, why worry so much about someone in a poly situation getting hurt versus a monogamous one? We are not fragile, we hurt and survive the same way "you" do It's not like poly people go into the relationship and have poly forced on them or something, it's a choice they want and embrace, not one they grudgingly accept (in most cases).

serijules, if you never do anything else, please write. Like a book or something. Articles in a magazine. Short stories. I don't care. Just please keep writing

I do have a relevant point to make on this front though.

Yes, I might get hurt. viv might get hurt. MIS might get hurt. It could all blow up in our collective faces. I accept that possibility. Why? Simple, because MIS is such and incredible person, and I want her in my life. And viv is of the same opinion. I would not casually extend myself, casually expose myself. MIS is not just some gal that I thought would be fun to tumble in the hay with. She's bright, articulate, funny, creative, sweet, lovable, etc, and we fit like a key in a lock. I could go on, but you all are probably sick of the sweet lovey-dovey stuff by now anyway. The bottom line is that I want this incredible person in my life, so I am willing to take this chance.

And it was not some spur of the moment thing. She and I have been in basically daily contact since last year. We've talked on this subject at great length. When the time came that it could no longer be ignored, put away, or neglected, the choice became clear.

I am willing to take great risks, as there is no other way to enjoy the truly momentous rewards.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

serijules, if you never do anything else, please write. Like a book or something. Articles in a magazine. Short stories. I don't care. Just please keep writing

I do have a relevant point to make on this front though.

Yes, I might get hurt. viv might get hurt. MIS might get hurt. It could all blow up in our collective faces. I accept that possibility. Why? Simple, because MIS is such and incredible person, and I want her in my life. And viv is of the same opinion. I would not casually extend myself, casually expose myself. MIS is not just some gal that I thought would be fun to tumble in the hay with. She's bright, articulate, funny, creative, sweet, lovable, etc, and we fit like a key in a lock. I could go on, but you all are probably sick of the sweet lovey-dovey stuff by now anyway. The bottom line is that I want this incredible person in my life, so I am willing to take this chance.

And it was not some spur of the moment thing. She and I have been in basically daily contact since last year. We've talked on this subject at great length. When the time came that it could no longer be ignored, put away, or neglected, the choice became clear.

I am willing to take great risks, as there is no other way to enjoy the truly momentous rewards.

And THAT'S absolutely the point. It's rough, it's risky, it's an immense amount of work and no small amount of potential pain. It's something that happens when suddenly you, or your mate, find yet another extraordinary person who is worth working for, worth re-arranging everything for, worth taking the risks for.

I think that's the real difference that serijules was talking about; there's a great deal of difference between having the occasional fling, permitted or not, or being one version or another of a "swinger", or having a nice little sideline sport-fucking, and actually finding that you're willing to do the work to have a strong, long-term, love-based relationship between more than two people. (NOT judging the former, nobody jump my ass, please, but they are radically different.)

yup. When it's right, it's right, and you're willing to do whatever it takes to manifest the life you want.

hearts to all three of you. And you're right about seri - please keep writing, keep participating. your words are jewels.

bj

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

The post below got lost in the shuffle back there and it's a brilliant answer to a lot of the typical "doubts" raised by people in discussions like these.

Thank you.

It sort of dawned on me when I was thinking of my own situation (monogamous relationship) of incorporating my little girl into my family. It's like I love my parents and I love my little girl and I want my parents to love my little girl and my little girl to love my parents.

It made me realize I am in a poly relationship of sorts with there being a relationship with my parents and one with my little girl.

It also made me realize that if I can love my parents and love my little girl (different kinds of love of course ) then why can't people be poly and love more than one person.

 

[Homburg]

And THAT'S absolutely the point. It's rough, it's risky, it's an immense amount of work and no small amount of potential pain. It's something that happens when suddenly you, or your mate, find yet another extraordinary person who is worth working for, worth re-arranging everything for, worth taking the risks for.

I think that's the real difference that serijules was talking about; there's a great deal of difference between having the occasional fling, permitted or not, or being one version or another of a "swinger", or having a nice little sideline sport-fucking, and actually finding that you're willing to do the work to have a strong, long-term, love-based relationship between more than two people. (NOT judging the former, nobody jump my ass, please, but they are radically different.)

yup. When it's right, it's right, and you're willing to do whatever it takes to manifest the life you want.

hearts to all three of you. And you're right about seri - please keep writing, keep participating. your words are jewels.

bj

And that is the core of it.

As an aside, Fi told me about a shirt produced by Needleplay. It reads:

I >1

I want one

 

[serijules]

serijules, if you never do anything else, please write. Like a book or something. Articles in a magazine. Short stories. I don't care. Just please keep writing

You all are going to give me a bid head or something. I would prefer any bigness that comes my way to go towards my boobs, kthxbye...

I've always wanted to write a book or two...it's on my list of things to do in my lifetime.

Seriously though thanks...it really is nice to know your words make a mark.

 

[Homburg]

You all are going to give me a bid head or something. I would prefer any bigness that comes my way to go towards my boobs, kthxbye...

I've always wanted to write a book or two...it's on my list of things to do in my lifetime.

Seriously though thanks...it really is nice to know your words make a mark.

If you write a book, I will buy a copy. Just make sure it is not one of those $200 oncology textbooks that my buddy used to buy. Geeze.

 

[EmpressFi]

And that is the core of it.

As an aside, Fi told me about a shirt produced by Needleplay. It reads:

I >1

I want one

well you cant have it *wink*

It's mine!

I loved what you said about MIS being worth the risk. You and I have talked about how often Master and I ask, is it worth this pain... and how afraid I am that one day he will say no, it isnt. Thank you for articulating that the risk of heartbreak is a risk worth taking when the alternative is to breathe in a world where he isnt part of mine.

 

[ecstaticsub]

And THAT'S absolutely the point. It's rough, it's risky, it's an immense amount of work and no small amount of potential pain. It's something that happens when suddenly you, or your mate, find yet another extraordinary person who is worth working for, worth re-arranging everything for, worth taking the risks for.

I think that's the real difference that serijules was talking about; there's a great deal of difference between having the occasional fling, permitted or not, or being one version or another of a "swinger", or having a nice little sideline sport-fucking, and actually finding that you're willing to do the work to have a strong, long-term, love-based relationship between more than two people. (NOT judging the former, nobody jump my ass, please, but they are radically different.)yup. When it's right, it's right, and you're willing to do whatever it takes to manifest the life you want.

hearts to all three of you. And you're right about seri - please keep writing, keep participating. your words are jewels.

bj

In reference to your bolded comments--I think my situation falls somewhere in there though I don't know where. I am in love with two men, but aside from knowing about each other and being respectful of each other their only interaction is through me. Definitely more than a permitted sport-fuck. (I'm not jumping your ass--just agreeing with you) But I agree it is radically different than a triad or a relationship where all people are interacting directly with each other.

 

[LilyBart]

And THAT'S absolutely the point. It's rough, it's risky, it's an immense amount of work and no small amount of potential pain. It's something that happens when suddenly you, or your mate, find yet another extraordinary person who is worth working for, worth re-arranging everything for, worth taking the risks for.

The bottom line is that I want this incredible person in my life, so I am willing to take this chance.
~snip~
I am willing to take great risks, as there is no other way to enjoy the truly momentous rewards.

I think we should all make an effort to broaden the concept of the word family in regard to our kids. Let's not reproduce another generation that when they hear the word family automatically sees the standard picturebook image of mommy, daddy and two children on their retina. Families comes in all compositions, we choose who we include or not and how open to other people we want our family to be. Kids follow our lead, what we tell and show is what is real.

Brave and happy adults fosters brave and happy children

I think everyone is in a poly relationship of some kind.

If you are a parent and have more than one child then you already know how to love more than one person.

~snip~
Yes, I know it's not the same. I know the love between parent/child is different from partner/partner but the principles are still the same.

It just shows that any person can love, care for, nurture, and have a lasting relationship with more than one person.

*shrug* I don't know if I make any sense but it helped me to better understand poly relationships to think of it in this context.

Good luck Homburg, viv, and MIS.

Let me start by airing my dirty laundry... I am LilyBart and I am mono.

But, I really enjoy and appreciate the diversity of this forum and I learn so much that I can apply to my own relationships, somewhat mono though they are (I know that doesn't make sense, grammatically, anyway.)

But I singled out these recent posts...(and I don't mean to slight previous posters but I am waaaay behind in my thread reading) because the sentiments ring true for many relationships - vanilla, kink, mono, poly, Whatever. Love is love. Sexual love, parental love, friendship love. We all have the capacity for a whole lot of love and we individually choose how to use it.

And I have watched with amazement as children adapt. You, as adults define family. No one else does. And children love the families they have so long as their family is filled with love. (My own 2 cents.)

Although I have to admit that as a mother, I am a Tigress. I would never, honestly, call my daughter a homewrecker, ever. But Homburg, you would get a grilling that you would never, ever forget. In fact, I think you would pee in your pants. I know you scoff - but you haven't seen me in maternal action yet. I trust no one when it comes to my children (sons or daughters.)

OTH, both Bijou and Homburg (and Empress Fi and Serijules and everyone else I'm leaving out unintentionally) - your willingness to take great risks to enjoy the truly momentous rewards of being with the person that is worth working for or re-arranging your life for - resonates with me - and yes it is work, and sacrifice. And I applaud that.



~LB