Poly arrangements?

[possess]

Hello all... new here

Anyone out there in a poly relationship?

Just testing the waters... Looking for like minds.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Hello all... new here

Anyone out there in a poly relationship?

Just testing the waters... Looking for like minds.

Have been, though not currently. My partner and I are still poly-in-theory, but don't happen to be seeing anybody else just now.

 

[possess]

Have been, though not currently. My partner and I are still poly-in-theory, but don't happen to be seeing anybody else just now.

Hi

Did you ever have one of those, How the heck do we do this? moments? If so, what'd you turn to, as a resource and a guide?

 

[yorkshirezombie]

hi im in a poly relationship ill try to answer any questions if you like we have been doing it for a few yrs now

 

[possess]

hi im in a poly relationship ill try to answer any questions if you like we have been doing it for a few yrs now

Hi

What's yours like?

There's so many variations it kinda hard to know where to begin, lol.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Hi

Did you ever have one of those, How the heck do we do this? moments? If so, what'd you turn to, as a resource and a guide?

I think everybody has those moments, monogamous folk included!

There are quite a few resources out there on polyamory, each with their own slant on it. Some of the popular ones:

- The Ethical Slut (Easton/Liszt): lots of people enthuse about this, but I'm not wild about it. There are some worthwhile ideas in there, in a "here are issues that you may want to consider and discuss" sort of way, but I felt it didn't deliver much on the "ethical" side of things.

The underlying philosophy is basically "as long as you're honest with people about what the deal is, you're not responsible for how they feel about your choices". Which is a bit too cold-hearted for my tastes; if we didn't have the power to make other people happy or unhappy, why bother having relationships at all?

- Love Without Limits (Deborah Anapol): Another popular one, but I found this very spiritual and handwavy without having anything much of substance.

- "More Than Two" (Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert): this is probably my favourite of the resources I've encountered. Franklin's website has plenty of useful reading, may be a good place to start.

I'd recommend not taking any resource as gospel truth; this stuff is best read as "this is what works for the people who wrote it, now I'm going to think about whether these ideas make sense for me and my life".

 

[possess]

I think everybody has those moments, monogamous folk included!

There are quite a few resources out there on polyamory, each with their own slant on it. Some of the popular ones:

- The Ethical Slut (Easton/Liszt): lots of people enthuse about this, but I'm not wild about it. There are some worthwhile ideas in there, in a "here are issues that you may want to consider and discuss" sort of way, but I felt it didn't deliver much on the "ethical" side of things.

The underlying philosophy is basically "as long as you're honest with people about what the deal is, you're not responsible for how they feel about your choices". Which is a bit too cold-hearted for my tastes; if we didn't have the power to make other people happy or unhappy, why bother having relationships at all?

- Love Without Limits (Deborah Anapol): Another popular one, but I found this very spiritual and handwavy without having anything much of substance.

- "More Than Two" (Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert): this is probably my favourite of the resources I've encountered. Franklin's website has plenty of useful reading, may be a good place to start.

I'd recommend not taking any resource as gospel truth; this stuff is best read as "this is what works for the people who wrote it, now I'm going to think about whether these ideas make sense for me and my life".

Thank you!

I read Ethical Slut, though I'm not sure it was in its entirety. I wasn't thrilled.

There's a market out there for poly-specific "couples" counseling, I'm sure.

I'll check out More Than Two. Thank you for the lead.

 

[Bramblethorn]

There's a market out there for poly-specific "couples" counseling, I'm sure.

Or even just poly-friendly counselling (couples or otherwise). Unfortunately there are a lot of counsellors out there who are convinced that polyamory is a cause or symptom of huge problems in a relationship, intrinsically unhealthy. My partner and I had one who latched onto that one aspect of our lives and kept badgering us to 'admit' that this was an Unhealthy Thing, even though it was only incidentally connected to the stuff we'd actually come in to work on.

After that we found one whose attitude was "well, I don't know much about that stuff but I'm happy to let you two tell me how it works for you". And that was fine. But it leaves me wary of disclosing poly stuff to counselling/medical professionals until I've had the chance to size them up.

 

[possess]

Or even just poly-friendly counselling (couples or otherwise). Unfortunately there are a lot of counsellors out there who are convinced that polyamory is a cause or symptom of huge problems in a relationship, intrinsically unhealthy. My partner and I had one who latched onto that one aspect of our lives and kept badgering us to 'admit' that this was an Unhealthy Thing, even though it was only incidentally connected to the stuff we'd actually come in to work on.

After that we found one whose attitude was "well, I don't know much about that stuff but I'm happy to let you two tell me how it works for you". And that was fine. But it leaves me wary of disclosing poly stuff to counselling/medical professionals until I've had the chance to size them up.

There's an inherent problem with seeing therapists - their own personal views will always color their interpretation of your issues. I live in Asia - finding open minded counselling here is even more challenging.

 

[tisAmber]

Husband and I decided a coule of years ago to test out polyamory. He hasn't been successful in finding what he's looking for, but I have had a couple of relationships with women.

And I agree about the counselors...there's no way I'd tell any of the ones around here about our arrangement. At least half of the facilities here incorporate Christianity in their practices.

 

[bluesky496]

Hello all... new here

Anyone out there in a poly relationship?

Just testing the waters... Looking for like minds.

i was some years ago and i loved it ,being the focus of two lovers really worked for us .

 

[possess]

And I agree about the counselors...there's no way I'd tell any of the ones around here about our arrangement. At least half of the facilities here incorporate Christianity in their practices.

<Wince> Yeah, I feel that. Sometimes it really needs to come from someone who's been there before, and it sucks that that someone's just not really available.