Poison for Relationships?

[Calamity Jane]

I'm of the opinion that if a marriage is in trouble and either partner doesn't turn their computer off completely, the marriage is pretty much doomed.

If a marriage is solid, the internet isn't a problem, but when a marriage is fragile, internet bulletin boards and chat are poison.

Anyone who has been on bb's or chat for a few years has seen a lot of marriages fail with the final push coming from people online with no vested interest in the couple...... or their children.

I stole this from another thread, and I'm not disputing the validity of the statement... but I wonder why this is?

I consider Lit and other BBs a sounding board. Somewhere to bounce ideas around, gain outside (and therefore rather unbiased) opinions from people precisely because they don't really know me or my situation.

I have few close 'in the flesh' friends. The reasons vary, but mostly because at heart I'm happiest functioning on the perimeter. I have few people to talk to, few people to rant to, etc. Lit fills that void.

Yes, I could go out and meet people, but i prefer being able to turn on and shut off the machine to having to actually function in a group. *shrug* That probably makes me a freak, but that's not really my concern.

I agree that chatrooms are evil. My marriage almost fell apart, and a lot of the blame can be placed squarely on the participation of both of us in chat. *shudder* That's why I don't chat. It's why I rarely exchange more than a passing greeting through IMs.

Somewhere in here is a train of thought...

Question:

Are BBs and chatrooms 'poison' to a relationship, in ways that outside, in-the-flesh friendships aren't?

Why?

Why not?

 

[Kitte]

In my opinion, if a marriage is "fragile" the internet is a place where either one or both of the partners can find the validation they are not getting at home. If they are not careful it can quicky become a very dangerous thing.

However, If they are not engaging in cyber~relationships I dont see it as an issue. It is only when they take that step beyond friendship and light flirting that it becomes as you put it "poison"

I think the differance between OL and RL is that most people will not take the big leap to "actual" infidelity as easily as they may OL.

At the end of my marriage, I admit to having taken refuge online and doing things that were not productive in trying to save my marriage. Who knows if things would have been different if I had not been online, but knowing what I do now, I would never do it again.

*edited to say that in all my time online, my typing still sucks!

 

[LordMagicMan]

An addiction is an addiction, no matter how innocent it may seem. If it becomes to the point where the computer is more important then your spouse you are going to run into problems. When you are spending every waking second behind a blinking computer screen, things aren't going to work at home.

 

[intrigued]

I am of the same mind as you, pcg. I believe that it doesn't matter where you are physically...if the temptation/vice/weakness exists, simply removing yourself from it is not going to resolve it. It has to come from within. Just like the smoker trying to quit, but has a carton of ciggies hidden away. He can take that carton and toss it...end of problem? I don't think so.

Any time spent interacting with others is time spent interacting with others...does it matter if its here, on the phone or at a party? No. Does it take away from the problems that need addressing? Thats a matter of perspective. Sometimes we need an outlet, a diversion, a breather~from things that are wearing us out, sometimes we simply need an enhancement.
If this venue works for you, so be it. I find no harm in doing something within ones own comfort level, that is done responsibly (not hurting anyone else) and done reasonably.

I haven't kept up with the other thread, so I don't know exactly what state your marriage is in, but you do. You know deep inside whether or not this venue is a detriment to your marriage, your hubby, and you. Therefore, only you can answer your questions.

I hope you find peace...

 

[Texan]

edited because what I said was obsolete before I posted it.

 

[Freya]

I think anything that takes energy from your relationship is poison - whether it be going to the bar every Friday with the girls, or chatting on a message board. If the relationship is strong, with trust on both sides, and understanding between the partners, then a minimal amount of online time is acceptable - as long as it's all kept straightforward and honest. The minute you start cybering, phone sex'ing, or otherwise engaging in any form of sexual relationships with other people, you are taking energy from your relationship to do so, and that weakens the bond you two have.

Posting to a message board for discussion of current events, light banter or even fluff is not harmful. The minute you engage in an activity that needs to be kept hidden from your S/O, you're poisoning the relationship.

 

[Calamity Jane]

However, If they are not engaging in cyber~relationships I dont see it as an issue. It is only when they take that step beyond friendship and light flirting that it becomes as you put it "poison"

I agree. But the original statement implies that simply being online is poison. I can see the obvious problems if one is developing 'relationships' online.

An addiction is an addiction, no matter how innocent it may seem. If it becomes to the point where the computer is more important then your spouse you are going to run into problems. When you are spending every waking second behind a blinking computer screen, things aren't going to work at home.

Again, I can see how an addiction, of any kind, would ruin an already fragile relationship. I'm not talking about addiction though.

And my screen does not blink.

 

[april-wine]

First you ain't NO freak...doll.......I do wonder though do you get freaky???????? If you do may I participate????


I think it depends on what you are doing online....What are you looking for? If it's something your marriage is lacking than there is definately trouble brewing.....

 

[intrigued]

I think anything that takes energy from your relationship is poison - whether it be going to the bar every Friday with the girls, or chatting on a message board. If the relationship is strong, with trust on both sides, and understanding between the partners, then a minimal amount of online time is acceptable - as long as it's all kept straightforward and honest. The minute you start cybering, phone sex'ing, or otherwise engaging in any form of sexual relationships with other people, you are taking energy from your relationship to do so, and that weakens the bond you two have.

Posting to a message board for discussion of current events, light banter or even fluff is not harmful. The minute you engage in an activity that needs to be kept hidden from your S/O, you're poisoning the relationship.

Agreed. (I forgot to address this aspect of her post.)

But, it's late, I'm sleepy and my head is banging, so I won't say the obvious...you did it so well, anyway.

 

[Cheyenne]

Question:

Are BBs and chatrooms 'poison' to a relationship, in ways that outside, in-the-flesh friendships aren't?

Why?

Why not?

I think you're asking if OL relationships are worse than outside RL relationships, not if OL relationships are bad or not in the first place. It's only a question as to the degree of badness.

I'd say OL isn't worse than outside RL friendships. If anything, OL may be less threatening to the spouse if the OL friend is half a world away compared to a RL friend on the other side of town.

 

[Kitte]

I agree. But the original statement implies that simply being online is poison. I can see the obvious problems if one is developing 'relationships' online.

I do not believe that being online is the poison...apathy is. I mean if you have an activity you do for an hour or so seperate from your partner, even in a fragile relationship I dont think it is harmful. But if it is bothersome to your partner, then maybe yeah curb your time. But I do not think a blanket statement that the Internet is poison is correct.

 

[Calamity Jane]

The minute you engage in an activity that needs to be kept hidden from your S/O, you're poisoning the relationship.

I agree with almost everything you said. But this struck me as funny. You'd be shocked at the number of activities that need to be kept hidden from my SO... buying the kids new shoes when they need them being one of them.

I haven't kept up with the other thread, so I don't know exactly what state your marriage is in, but you do. You know deep inside whether or not this venue is a detriment to your marriage, your hubby, and you. Therefore, only you can answer your questions.

I hope you find peace...

This wasn't about me, actually. I thought it was an interesting quote and was opening it up for more discussion.

Thank you though, I'm looking for it.

edited because what I said was obsolete before I posted it.

Pleaase post your thoughts when they're not obsolete. I'm honestly curious.

 

[glamorilla]

anything can damage a reltionship if its abused.

time i spend on the internet replaced time i used to spend hanging out in bars and clubs.

this is better.

 

[Freya]

I agree with almost everything you said. But this struck me as funny. You'd be shocked at the number of activities that need to be kept hidden from my SO... buying the kids new shoes when they need them being one of them.

But would it endanger the relationship if he found out about the new shoes?

In many ways, being online a couple of hours a day is no different than planting one's ass in front of the boob tube. But when your interactions with others become sexual in nature, it's cheating plain and simple. Not light flirting, that's not what I mean - but any form of cyber sex, phone sex, or anything of the sort. To say it's not cheating is like saying the blowjob you gave the guy in the corner of the bar isn't cheating.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Re: Re: Poison for Relationships?

I think you're asking if OL relationships are worse than outside RL relationships, not if OL relationships are bad or not in the first place. It's only a question as to the degree of badness.

I'd say OL isn't worse than outside RL friendships. If anything, OL may be less threatening to the spouse if the OL friend is half a world away compared to a RL friend on the other side of town.

No, I'm not really asking if they're worse... I think I'm asking if they're a different type of bad. Does that make sense?

Mr PCG is threatened by my friends and my family and the time I spend on my horse. But he's WAY more threatened by the words on this screen. I'm curious why that is. It seems all out of proportion.

 

[Mischka]

Re: Re: Poison for Relationships?

I'd say OL isn't worse than outside RL friendships. If anything, OL may be less threatening to the spouse if the OL friend is half a world away compared to a RL friend on the other side of town.

However, many people who would not have a friend across town because it is "real" cheating may cultivate on-line intimate friends because it doesn't seem as "real" at first. It's easy to just flip on the computer, and chat when there's a free moment. That time adds up - people here often joke about how much time Lit can absorb. It somehow doesn't seem the same as hours expended on off-line activities.

Especially when a person has to be on-line for another reason, it's easy to extend that on-line time to accomodate an OL friend, whereas it's more difficult to fit a RL friend into an off-line schedule.

 

[Calamity Jane]

First you ain't NO freak...doll.......I do wonder though do you get freaky???????? If you do may I participate????

Yes, I am. Yes, I do. Yes, you may.

But only if I can wear my chaps.

But would it endanger the relationship if he found out about the new shoes?

Honestly? Only from the standpoint that I would have to justify their purchase, and hear about it every single time he saw them on the floor. Eventually, anything can damage a relationship.

In many ways, being online a couple of hours a day is no different than planting one's ass in front of the boob tube. But when your interactions with others become sexual in nature, it's cheating plain and simple. Not light flirting, that's not what I mean - but any form of cyber sex, phone sex, or anything of the sort. To say it's not cheating is like saying the blowjob you gave the guy in the corner of the bar isn't cheating.

I agree that it's not that much different than watching TV, and I've compared it to that.

Again, I'm not trying to justify any sort of online relationship. I'm not engaged in one, nor looking to become engaged in one. I'm asking about the act of talking to others via chat or BBs.

 

[thebrokenheartedfool]

PCG
I don't know why it is either but I do know that my exwife and I already had problems but that the bbs and the net that she was never a few min. from did hurt us. I wasnt' perfect but I wanted to spend time with her but she would rather be online with her online friends. This inclueded when I was at work or at home. She didn't work b/c of health problems ( sometimes I wondered b/c what she could do but I loved her and it didn't matter to me ) And I was glad she had people to talk to but it was hard for me to understand. I mean I like bbs and all and I enjoy this one esp but I don't spend all day thinking or checking it I have to work. She liked going out and enjoying life but couldn't work if she did so she didn't work and I had to pay all the bills with no help and a new house. But I am sorry this turned into a vent instead of a responce but to answer the question.
I still don't know why but I do know that we had alot of other problems before she really started on bbs. I didn't start really until after the divorce. anywho hopefully you will find your answers

 

[Freya]

I agree that it's not that much different than watching TV, and I've compared it to that.

Again, I'm not trying to justify any sort of online relationship. I'm not engaged in one, nor looking to become engaged in one. I'm asking about the act of talking to others via chat or BBs.

I know you aren't and I apologize if I've made it seem that I thought you were.

The reason some are threatened by it, I think, is because it's such a huge unknown. While a person can cheat in real life, it's the fantasy life on computers that scare those who don't inhabit this world. A husband knows his wife goes out with the girls - while he might be worried, he might also be partially relieved because a) she's with other people so how much can she really do?, b) She's in her own town, so there's that safety that she won't cheat because others will know or find out, and c) there's a limited number of opportunities even at a local bar. But online, the possibilites are unlimited, and those safety factors are removed. There's nobody to monitor their actions, nobody to say "Hey, I think you're making a mistake", and little or no risk of people in the town discovering what she's doing. So therefore it becomes an unlimited area of exploration, completely separated from her spouse, and done without his knowledge or supervision, if you will. So, it introduces an element of worry and distrust into things, which creates an area of friction - which in an already fragile relationship is not needed.

 

[Cheyenne]

Re: Re: Re: Poison for Relationships?

No, I'm not really asking if they're worse... I think I'm asking if they're a different type of bad. Does that make sense?

Mr PCG is threatened by my friends and my family and the time I spend on my horse. But he's WAY more threatened by the words on this screen. I'm curious why that is. It seems all out of proportion.

Hmmmm... okay. Maybe he is threatened by something he doesn't understand? Or maybe he'd be MORE threatened if he did understand it? I think it depends on your view of being "online" in the first place. People who don't have computers and don't participate in anything like Lit online probably would be threatened by the idea of a spouse talking to strangers online. I'm just guessing on that.

Someone who has had a spouse previously slip into an online relationship (See Mischka's comments above) by virture of spending a lot of time online might also be threatened regarding future time spent online. That sounds convoluted, but the gist is, the spouse may be extra wary of something that has caused a problem in the past.

 

[ksmybuttons]

Generalizations, blanket statements.

It hasn't hurt my 3D relationship and my relationship has needed a little superglue at times over the past year. It has needed epoxy frequently over the past 18 years, too.

A person can observe any thing they want out of a few incidents, form an opinion and make then a blanket statement that it is the way of things.

For some, yes. For others, no.

Doesn't apply to me.

 

[Texan]

Every relationship is COMPLETELY different. And, it's no secret that almost all relationships are complex. Some people are more jealous than others, and some people are less secure than others. Even without internet BB's, IM's and chat, many relationships don't survive, and countless others just barely survive. Add the internet, and many more relationships fail. That's not something I made up. Anyone who's been online for a long time has seen it.

Most of the posts in this thread aren't arguing that the internet CAN harm a relationship, they are proposing thoughts about why the internet is dangerous to fragile relationships. Because every relationship is different, the internet can impact each relationship differently. But let me propose a couple of possibilities.

Remember, if a relationship is fragile, each partner usually feels they are not getting what they "need" from the relationship. Each partner often believes the other partner is not "giving" enough to the relationship.

When one partner is online and the other isn't, the internet is impacting BOTH, but in DIFFERENT ways; even if online sex isn't happening.

For the partner in a fragile relationship that has found internet BB's and chat, several things CAN happen. They often find sympathetic listeners who encourage them to "dump the bastard." They find flattery and begin to rebuild the self-esteem that a rocky relationship can often cause. This can be a good thing, but it is addicting. They can begin to believe that people online are just "better" than real-life people. Sometimes, they may find an online "relationship" that just feels so much better than the real-life relationship they endure every day. And best of all, when they get tired of the internet, they can just flip a button and it's off. They can't do that with real-life.

For the offline partner who's spouse has found the internet, it's like having Casanova sitting on a table in the corner of the room while you're trying to make love to your wife. To the partner who is not online, the computer can represent everything that is wrong about the relationship. It takes too much time away from the relationship. It costs money that could be better spent on other things. It is like the confessional priest who has heard all their spouse's deepest secrets, but without the vow of secrecy.

And when the offline spouse complains about the time being spent on the computer by the online spouse, the trouble really begins. The online spouse can't imagine why their partner feels threatened by the computer. The online spouse resents the lack of trust. The online spouse begins to resent their partner even more because they are a threat to the "fulfillment" they are getting online.

And the offline spouse becomes even more worried and angry that the computer has become more important to their partner they THEY are. And of course, they also feel a little guilty for being jealous of time spent on a machine.

What is really happening with internet BB's and chat is something that CAN'T happen in real life. The internet allows a person to cheat "at their own pace." In real-life, cheating is complicated and dangerous. Online, it is easy and anonymous. People who would never have the courage to cheat in real-life, are much more easily tempted online. (Each person will define cheating for themself.)

I think solid relationships don't usually have a problem with the internet. Please understand, solid relationships are not necessarily loving and passionate, they may be relationships that have chilled with time, but the commitment remains. Fragile relationships can be fragile for a whole variety of reasons.

I just believe that when a relationship is fragile and one partner is online, the computer is like the elephant in the corner of the room that people don't talk about. It's there, it's big, and it has the ability to crush everyone else in the room.

 

[LordMagicMan]

And my screen does not blink.

Actually unless you have an lcd or plasma screen, it blinks too fast for you too see

 

[I'mVan]

Thoughts . . .
A relationship starts to get 'fragile' when someones needs aren't being met. Poison is introduced when you go outside the realtionship to get those needs fulfilled. Your spouse is no longer the source of your contentedness.

If you're getting needs like, affection, support, conversation, admiration, sexual fulfilment, met by the board, or people on the board that are not being met at home, the internet is your relationship poison.

Just my thoughts.

 

[PaulX35]

It's all inside yourself: if your marriage wrecks because of internet boards, it would have done so without them.

Paul