Poetry Lovers...PLEASE comment

[OutlawPoet]

I'm regularly perform in and/or host open mic events so i like to get feedback from those who DON'T know already know me. Erotic/Sensual poetry we never my strong suit...but I like to try different things so here's one attempt...


I could see myself in her arms.
I could feel the gentle touch of her finger tips
as they softly glide down my back.
She breathes deep and pulls me in close,
her breasts pressed firmly against me.
It seems that her entire body inhales and exhales
in fluid motion much like the ocean's coming tides
She breaks into convultions of ecstacy
as I slowly sink my teeth into her porcelain skin.
Her nails dig deep almost as if to grip the reality of this situation
as we constantly cross the fine line between passion and lust.
Her eyes become an endless void of blue infinity,
A sea on which I sail, surrendering to her every whim
as she surrenders to mine.
Suddenly there is nothing left but the pounding bass of hearts beating in unison
as we slowly drift back to the shore.
Softly kissing and comforting
and amidst all this, one lone thought comes to my mind
...I think I found my new favorite bartender!!!

-26 September 2004

 

[Angeline]

I'm regularly perform in and/or host open mic events so i like to get feedback from those who DON'T know already know me. Erotic/Sensual poetry we never my strong suit...but I like to try different things so here's one attempt...


I could see myself in her arms.
I could feel the gentle touch of her finger tips
as they softly glide down my back.
She breathes deep and pulls me in close,
her breasts pressed firmly against me.
It seems that her entire body inhales and exhales
in fluid motion much like the ocean's coming tides
She breaks into convultions of ecstacy
as I slowly sink my teeth into her porcelain skin.
Her nails dig deep almost as if to grip the reality of this situation
as we constantly cross the fine line between passion and lust.
Her eyes become an endless void of blue infinity,
A sea on which I sail, surrendering to her every whim
as she surrenders to mine.
Suddenly there is nothing left but the pounding bass of hearts beating in unison
as we slowly drift back to the shore.
Softly kissing and comforting
and amidst all this, one lone thought comes to my mind
...I think I found my new favorite bartender!!!

-26 September 2004

Hello and welcome to poetry world. You wrote this quite a while ago, so I'm guessing you found it and want some feedback. Poems like yours are tough for people here to review, imo, because we see so many on this subject and unless there is something unique, they seem the same, mediocre.

You're not bad with words though. The main thing I think you need to do is take out every extra, unnecessary word and let the images do the work for you. Unless you are very nimble with language (and most writers can be, with practice), it's best to rely on the images.

For example:

Me in her arms,
the gentle touch of her finger tips
softly glide down my back. She breathes
deep, pulls me close, her breasts pressed
firmly against me. She inhales, exhales
in fluid motion. She breaks
like the tides as I sink
my teeth into her porcelain skin.
Her eyes are blue infinity,
A sea on which I sail, I surrender
to her every whim and she
to mine ....

It's still pretty cliche, but it reads more fluidly without all the extra words. And some words just don't fit the tone you've chosen. If you're writing about passion and romance, you don't want to introduce the idea of "convulsions," which aren't sexy or suggest that when you look into your lover's eyes you see a void. If you read and write more poetry and edit your poems and think about what the words mean and whether they are a) absolutely necessary and b) right for your tone you will keep improving.

 

[Guest]

I love poetry!

Bear In There by Shel Silverstein


There's a Polar Bear
In our Frigidaire--
He likes it 'cause it's cold in there.
With his seat in the meat
And his face in the fish
And his big hairy paws
In the buttery dish,
He's nibbling the noodles,
He's munching the rice,
He's slurping the soda,
He's licking the ice.
And he lets out a roar
If you open the door.
And it gives me a scare
To know he's in there--
That Polary Bear
In our Fridgitydaire.


​

PS: good luck with your open mic.

 

[OutlawPoet]

Hello and welcome to poetry world. You wrote this quite a while ago, so I'm guessing you found it and want some feedback. Poems like yours are tough for people here to review, imo, because we see so many on this subject and unless there is something unique, they seem the same, mediocre.

You're not bad with words though. The main thing I think you need to do is take out every extra, unnecessary word and let the images do the work for you. Unless you are very nimble with language (and most writers can be, with practice), it's best to rely on the images.

For example:

Me in her arms,
the gentle touch of her finger tips
softly glide down my back. She breathes
deep, pulls me close, her breasts pressed
firmly against me. She inhales, exhales
in fluid motion. She breaks
like the tides as I sink
my teeth into her porcelain skin.
Her eyes are blue infinity,
A sea on which I sail, I surrender
to her every whim and she
to mine ....

It's still pretty cliche, but it reads more fluidly without all the extra words. And some words just don't fit the tone you've chosen. If you're writing about passion and romance, you don't want to introduce the idea of "convulsions," which aren't sexy or suggest that when you look into your lover's eyes you see a void. If you read and write more poetry and edit your poems and think about what the words mean and whether they are a) absolutely necessary and b) right for your tone you will keep improving.

interesting...thanks for the input.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I agree with Angeline as you can see with they changes she made to your poem it reads less like a grocery list of she did this and I did that

 

[Eluard]

Hello and welcome to poetry world. You wrote this quite a while ago, so I'm guessing you found it and want some feedback. Poems like yours are tough for people here to review, imo, because we see so many on this subject and unless there is something unique, they seem the same, mediocre.

You're not bad with words though. The main thing I think you need to do is take out every extra, unnecessary word and let the images do the work for you. Unless you are very nimble with language (and most writers can be, with practice), it's best to rely on the images.

For example:

Me in her arms,
the gentle touch of her finger tips
softly glide down my back. She breathes
deep, pulls me close, her breasts pressed
firmly against me. She inhales, exhales
in fluid motion. She breaks
like the tides as I sink
my teeth into her porcelain skin.
Her eyes are blue infinity,
A sea on which I sail, I surrender
to her every whim and she
to mine ....

It's still pretty cliche, but it reads more fluidly without all the extra words. And some words just don't fit the tone you've chosen. If you're writing about passion and romance, you don't want to introduce the idea of "convulsions," which aren't sexy or suggest that when you look into your lover's eyes you see a void. If you read and write more poetry and edit your poems and think about what the words mean and whether they are a) absolutely necessary and b) right for your tone you will keep improving.

Ange — though I agree that you've made a better poem of this I think you've missed the point: this is intended to be a wry piss-take of an erotic poem. It isn't meant to be good as erotic poetry but to go through certain motions that an erotic poem might go through. The last line would probably get a laugh in an open mic in an Irish-type pub/bar though I suspect a lot of listeners would have the same reaction that I had and that I suspect you had: yeah it's amusing, but it would have been so much better if it wasn't meant to be a sentimentalised set-up for a final deflating joke.

But, hey, this is Literotica and we take our erotic poetry pretty serious around here.


(as to the poll: none of it gets at the real difficulties of writing.)

 

[Angeline]

Ange — though I agree that you've made a better poem of this I think you've missed the point: this is intended to be a wry piss-take of an erotic poem. It isn't meant to be good as erotic poetry but to go through certain motions that an erotic poem might go through. The last line would probably get a laugh in an open mic in an Irish-type pub/bar though I suspect a lot of listeners would have the same reaction that I had and that I suspect you had: yeah it's amusing, but it would have been so much better if it wasn't meant to be a sentimentalised set-up for a final deflating joke.

But, hey, this is Literotica and we take our erotic poetry pretty serious around here.


(as to the poll: none of it gets at the real difficulties of writing.)

Yeah I considered this point you make and chose not to address the pun intention because I didn't think it worked on that level either if you know what I mean. I guess if it were read aloud, the notion of "convulsing" or the empty space in a lover's eyes becomes slapsticky. But it still needs to be a well-written poem.

A good example, to me, of this sort of well-written self-deprecating humor in poetry can be seen in Billy Collins' Litany. The voice is nicely sardonic and it's funny, but it's also a beautifully written poem. Alternatively, karmadog's Hallmark Quickie here at Lit is the same subject as the OP's poem, but it's well written and funny so it just works better. I'm not being argumentative, btw. I find it interesting to explore this distinction.

I agree with you about the poll. Writing erotica is no more or less difficult than writing any kind of poetry. What makes any kind of writing difficult for me is a) finding something worth saying and b) being precise enough in my diction to make it interesting.

 

[OutlawPoet]

Thanks, again, for the critiques. One things about my writing is that...the way I write...it's meant to be SPOKEN...to be HEARD...but I've spent the past 14 years do JUST that. Writing in a way that's meant for performance. Now, in the interest of improving my art, I submit to boards so that I can try to understand how it's READ. I like different people's takes on my work. As Eluard mentioned, the last line of this one gets laughs...and sometimes just looks of "Did he just say that?". More than anything it's meant to be "dirty joke", if you will. Given the mood and moment in which it was written. But, again, thanks for the insight. Hopefully I'll be able to put it all to good use. In the meantime, I'll be posting some other things I've written and curious as to what you'll have to say.

 

[Angeline]

Thanks, again, for the critiques. One things about my writing is that...the way I write...it's meant to be SPOKEN...to be HEARD...but I've spent the past 14 years do JUST that. Writing in a way that's meant for performance. Now, in the interest of improving my art, I submit to boards so that I can try to understand how it's READ. I like different people's takes on my work. As Eluard mentioned, the last line of this one gets laughs...and sometimes just looks of "Did he just say that?". More than anything it's meant to be "dirty joke", if you will. Given the mood and moment in which it was written. But, again, thanks for the insight. Hopefully I'll be able to put it all to good use. In the meantime, I'll be posting some other things I've written and curious as to what you'll have to say.

I'm glad you took my critique in the helpful spirit it was intended. I do think that all poetry benefits when it is heard as opposed to just being read. On the other hand, a lot of what I read/hear from poetry slams doesn't strike me as good poetry. But of course it's just my one opinion.

 

[OutlawPoet]

Oh...and as for the poll...those were all the most common responses among some of the people from various open-mics of the past few years.

 

[Eluard]

Thanks, again, for the critiques. One things about my writing is that...the way I write...it's meant to be SPOKEN...to be HEARD...but I've spent the past 14 years do JUST that. Writing in a way that's meant for performance. Now, in the interest of improving my art, I submit to boards so that I can try to understand how it's READ. I like different people's takes on my work. As Eluard mentioned, the last line of this one gets laughs...and sometimes just looks of "Did he just say that?". More than anything it's meant to be "dirty joke", if you will. Given the mood and moment in which it was written. But, again, thanks for the insight. Hopefully I'll be able to put it all to good use. In the meantime, I'll be posting some other things I've written and curious as to what you'll have to say.

have you considered that that "Did he just say that?" might be disappointment, disappointment that it was just a set-up for a joke? Try an experiment: write a very good, utterly sincere, erotic/love poem and read it and see what the reaction is. People who attend poetry readings might be hungering for more than you or your fellow spoken word poets are giving them. Just a suggestion.

 

[OutlawPoet]

I'm glad you took my critique in the helpful spirit it was intended. I do think that all poetry benefits when it is heard as opposed to just being read. On the other hand, a lot of what I read/hear from poetry slams doesn't strike me as good poetry. But of course it's just my one opinion.

well, let me know if you disagree but i think that's a mix of a few things...

1)Personal tastes...I actually don't like most slam events and prefer general open-mics. there's alot that I hear which makes want to tune out!

2)What your own definition of poetry is

3)I find a lot of people who've stepped up at different events I've attended who think that just because they can wield a pen, smack a drum, or pluck a string they're immediately an Artist. And on that same note I've those to whom I can barely relate HOWEVER you can tell that there's something stirring their soul...something that they're actually trying to communicate and are willing to learn...

There's more but I feel a rant coming and I'm trying to avoid one of those tonight! LOL! But that's just me

 

[OutlawPoet]

have you considered that that "Did he just say that?" might be disappointment, disappointment that it was just a set-up for a joke? Try an experiment: write a very good, utterly sincere, erotic/love poem and read it and see what the reaction is. People who attend poetry readings might be hungering for more than you or your fellow spoken word poets are giving them. Just a suggestion.

I see your point, believe me. But it wasn't intended as a set-up...that's just how it happened.

 

[Angeline]

well, let me know if you disagree but i think that's a mix of a few things...

1)Personal tastes...I actually don't like most slam events and prefer general open-mics. there's alot that I hear which makes want to tune out!

2)What your own definition of poetry is

3)I find a lot of people who've stepped up at different events I've attended who think that just because they can wield a pen, smack a drum, or pluck a string they're immediately an Artist. And on that same note I've those to whom I can barely relate HOWEVER you can tell that there's something stirring their soul...something that they're actually trying to communicate and are willing to learn...

There's more but I feel a rant coming and I'm trying to avoid one of those tonight! LOL! But that's just me

I do agree with both your points. I'm a pretty consistent arguer here against the notion that there's one "right" way to create good poetry. There's room in the poetic universe for a million different ways to move a reader or listener with one's words, and each of us is more or less effective depending on whether we appeal to the consumer's taste. I'm especially suspicious of people who claim that one right way happen to be "their" way lol.

However I don't think that poetic license is a justification for sloppy writing, no matter what the medium of delivery is. I've seen many "poets" here over the years who argue that they don't edit because poetry, for them, is about the experience of writing. So it doesn't matter if I, as a reader or listerner,don't have a clue what the poem is about because the writer had a "poetic" experience. That doesn't fly with me because the point of any language is communication, you know? Why bother if one doesn't care whether they're communicating?

And hey, rant away. I just did! I just happen to love blah blahing about poetry.

 

[normal jean]

Oh...and as for the poll...those were all the most common responses among some of the people from various open-mics of the past few years.

I dont worry much about dialogue in poetry, but I have written loads ( no pun intended) of erotic stories and have an awful time getting the dialogue just right.

Good luck with your future ventures

NJ

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

I like your take on the poem Angeline- reads about the way I would do it also

Hello and welcome to poetry world. You wrote this quite a while ago, so I'm guessing you found it and want some feedback. Poems like yours are tough for people here to review, imo, because we see so many on this subject and unless there is something unique, they seem the same, mediocre.

You're not bad with words though. The main thing I think you need to do is take out every extra, unnecessary word and let the images do the work for you. Unless you are very nimble with language (and most writers can be, with practice), it's best to rely on the images.

For example:

Me in her arms,
the gentle touch of her finger tips
softly glide down my back. She breathes
deep, pulls me close, her breasts pressed
firmly against me. She inhales, exhales
in fluid motion. She breaks
like the tides as I sink
my teeth into her porcelain skin.
Her eyes are blue infinity,
A sea on which I sail, I surrender
to her every whim and she
to mine ....

It's still pretty cliche, but it reads more fluidly without all the extra words. And some words just don't fit the tone you've chosen. If you're writing about passion and romance, you don't want to introduce the idea of "convulsions," which aren't sexy or suggest that when you look into your lover's eyes you see a void. If you read and write more poetry and edit your poems and think about what the words mean and whether they are a) absolutely necessary and b) right for your tone you will keep improving.