Poetry first-timer

[Route66Girl]

I wrote these lyrics almost a year ago, and just submitted them to the Lit poetry category (non-erotic). Thought I'd put it up here for perusal while its approval is pending. Love it? Hate it? Suggestions/comments? Too cliche? Whaddya think?


I'll Be Damned

Don’t tell me it’s you
Knocking at my door
It’s too late for that
My welcome mat's rolled up
And I won't listen anymore

But there you are
Wanting a second chance
You wanna make peace
You wanna make it alright
You wanna break my heart again

I’ll be damned if I let you in
I’ll be damned if I open this door
You can knock all you want
And plead your case ‘til dawn
But I’ll be damned if I
Let you in once more

You left me in love with you
With no clue that you’d stay gone
You left me to wait and wonder
About that sad, sad smile
And a note that arrived
Just a little later on
“I don’t write to just you anymore.”

You didn’t knock on my door then
To see if I was doing alright
Or call to see if I’d been crying
No, there was nothing to do
Except let a broken heart mend
Now you stand here whining
With your sad sob story
Oh, how it was so awful for you

No sir, your tune's gone astray
These ears turned deaf
When you rang tonight
These eyes turned blind
When you stepped in their way

And I’ll be damned
If I let you in
I’ll be damned
If I open this door
My heart took too long getting over you
And it’ll be damned
If it lets you in once more

 

[_Land]

What tempo were you intending this to be sung in,

I envisioned allanis, and had laughing fits

I wrote these lyrics almost a year ago, and just submitted them to the Lit poetry category (non-erotic). Thought I'd put it up here for perusal while its approval is pending. Love it? Hate it? Suggestions/comments? Too cliche? Whaddya think?


I'll Be Damned

Don’t tell me it’s you
Knocking at my door
It’s too late for that
My welcome mat's rolled up
And I won't listen anymore

But there you are
Wanting a second chance
You wanna make peace
You wanna make it alright
You wanna break my heart again

I’ll be damned if I let you in
I’ll be damned if I open this door
You can knock all you want
And plead your case ‘til dawn
But I’ll be damned if I
Let you in once more

You left me in love with you
With no clue that you’d stay gone
You left me to wait and wonder
About that sad, sad smile
And a note that arrived
Just a little later on
“I don’t write to just you anymore.”

You didn’t knock on my door then
To see if I was doing alright
Or call to see if I’d been crying
No, there was nothing to do
Except let a broken heart mend
Now you stand here whining
With your sad sob story
Oh, how it was so awful for you

No sir, your tune's gone astray
These ears turned deaf
When you rang tonight
These eyes turned blind
When you stepped in their way

And I’ll be damned
If I let you in
I’ll be damned
If I open this door
My heart took too long getting over you
And it’ll be damned
If it lets you in once more

 

[JUDO]

I like the song. You have a good sense for what works as lyrics. (That's a great gift, by the way.) I've already thought of several rhythms and melodies that would work with them.

Did you sing the lyrics with a meter in mind, or did you simply write them as lyrics with no melody or meter in mind?

Plus, the words allow either an upbeat sound (as in "fuck you" get away from my door, jerk.), or a melancholy more somber sound as though the world has crashed in around her.

What did you have in mind?

Good job, by the way.


- Judo

 

[_Land]

every where I go i cant escape Judos Pantys.........

 

[Route66Girl]

Land- LOL! I once showed it to a friend who said the exact same thing about picturing Alanis. Maybe you're onto something, there.

JUDO- Thanks for the thumbs up! I've only written about a dozen poems, and this is the only set of lyrics I've ever come up with. Guess the inspiration for verse doesn't hit me very often

When I first got the idea, I immediately started humming a upbeat country tune to go with it. It's sort of odd it would happen that way- I almost never listen to country music. But I'm not married to making it a country song. Seems like it could lend itself to just about any style. I'm curious as to what melodies you came up with?

 

[zetacon4]

Hi 66!

I really liked that poem (as lyrics). You put an age-old story to words better than I have heard it before. I really enjoy your writing. Count me amoung your most enthusiastic fans!
Frank

 

[JUDO]

Land- LOL! I once showed it to a friend who said the exact same thing about picturing Alanis. Maybe you're onto something, there.

JUDO- Thanks for the thumbs up! I've only written about a dozen poems, and this is the only set of lyrics I've ever come up with. Guess the inspiration for verse doesn't hit me very often

When I first got the idea, I immediately started humming a upbeat country tune to go with it. It's sort of odd it would happen that way- I almost never listen to country music. But I'm not married to making it a country song. Seems like it could lend itself to just about any style. I'm curious as to what melodies you came up with?

As far as melodies go (I wish it was easier to write music here), I usually picture an artist singing one of there songs and see if your lyrics fit the rhythm and style of their song. Not the same melody, but hopefully, you get my drift.

I tried and could successfully use your lyrics with, as mentioned by others, Alanis, Creed, Shania Twain, and several others. It depends on how you divide up the lines and where you extend a hold on longer vowels. It definitely has a good singer/rock feel.


- Judo

PS - Oh, Land, as if you wanted to escape...

 

[HomerPindar]

Blues!!

But then, the blues gets my vote on most every set of lyrics

And with a little country, it's rock and roll anyways.

HomerPindar