Poems sitting on their asses

[WickedEve]

Ever have a poem that's not quite ready to be submitted? Maybe it's been sitting around on its poetic rump for weeks or months, and you just don't know what to do with it?
Well, I have a bunch.

Here's one:

Mind Ride

Slip inside with me.
Slide on slippery words
of wanton wetness.
Glide on glistening images
of bare beauty.
Mind ride with me!

A titillating thought of us.
Plunge into it, wrap it around.
It's erotic, exotic,
exhilarates my inner view.
Stimulates sights, delights
of scintillating sexuality.

Nude notions flow fluid, lewd
liquid motion. The fantastical,
the fanciful float to you
on orgasmic ocean, splashing you
with daring dreams of legs
lathered in latex lotion.


I wrote this for the Sexually Explicit thread, and daughter said something about it being good, or okay, but needing some changes. I don't know what changes. But just knowing that it needed work, kept me from submitting it. And now I don't know what to do with it. Any suggestions on improving it? Or if you have a poem lounging around getting fat and lazy, post it here and we'll see if we can whip it in shape!

 

[JUDO]

It's pretty. I like the alliteration motif. But do words like "wanton" and "bare" really go together in that parallelism you set up in the first stanza? Also, going with an old suggestion of Daughter's to me, what is the message of each stanza?

Right now, their messages seem too similar. They don't progress.

You talk of creating something in the mind in each of them, although in the last two you describe a selective scenario.

It's because of the third stanza doing basically the same thing as the second that the poem goes nowhere.

How about this?
The first stanza is the invitation
The second stanza sets the stage
The third stanza describes the action (you could end here or...)
...
A fourth stanza could take us into the character's minds
A fifth could interrupt this mind game much in the same way we get our sex interrupted - phone calls, doorbells, etc.
Then the sixth could seque back to the imaginary world and complete the act.

Yes?

 

[WickedEve]

It's been a while since I wrote it. I don't know what's going on with "lathered in latex lotion." I must be a freaky girl and I just don't know it!
I'll study your suggestions and see if i can whip this poem into shape. I'll whip it! Whip it good! da da da da da... (sorry, that song popped into my head.)

 

[KatPurrs]

Eve,

I like all of it except the first two lines in the last stanza. My tongue got all twisted up and it looked like I was about to sneeze when I said it out loud

Nude notions flow fluid , lewd
liquid motions

tee hee...tickles...achoo!

Anyway, how about this?

Lewd notions flow into
fluid, liquid motions.

Kat~

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Re: Poems sitting on their asses

Eve,

I like all of it except the first two lines in the last stanza. My tongue got all twisted up and it looked like I was about to sneeze when I said it out loud

Nude notions flow fluid , lewd
liquid motions

tee hee...tickles...achoo!

Anyway, how about this?

Lewd notions flow into
fluid, liquid motions.

Kat~

I was trying to say Nude notions flow fluid, lewd liquid motions and walk at the same time. I tripped.
I like your suggestion.

 

[KatPurrs]

Re: Re: Re: Poems sitting on their asses

I was trying to say Nude notions flow fluid, lewd liquid motions and walk at the same time. I tripped.
I like your suggestion.

Yes, well then, how about:

Nude notions flow fluid
Spewing lewd liquid motions

Can one "flow" and "spew" at the same time? I do.

(And YOU! You know who you are....DON'T LAUGH!!!!!)

Kat~

 

[KatPurrs]

Collecting dust...

Ok, here's one I haven't posted and I'm not sure why....Is it corny? Cliche? Crap? LOL....well, grab your crying towel and head to the beach with me...


Neap Tide

Waking to just another day...
They roll in and out like the fog
on shallow neap tides.
Unremarkable.
As each day is without you.

I want the pull of the moon!
Your tide coursing through me,
Crashing into me,
So we can ebb and flow
together

The way we were meant to be,
to put an end to this incongruity
of the way in which we live,
separately.
Waking to just another day...

Kat~

 

[WickedEve]

No, I don't think it's corny. I like it. I'd drop the "the" in "the fog."
The second stanza is the only one that might be a little cliche'
Your first stanza is definitely the best!

 

[KatPurrs]

thanks WE

the "the" in "the fog" is outta there. I agree it reads better without it.

I think it'll remain on the shelf for a while until I get the 2nd and 3rd stanzas up to speed.

Thanks!

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Nocturnal

Rest your hands
upon my eyes,
lovingly,
close them in a kiss,
mournful and vague

And let me cry...



This is sitting on its cute ass because I have 0 confidence in my ability for short poems. Help anyone?

 

[JUDO]

Nocturnal

Rest your hands
upon my eyes,
lovingly,
close them in a kiss,
mournful and vague

And let me cry...



This is sitting on its cute ass because I have 0 confidence in my ability for short poems. Help anyone?

How about making it shorter?

Lovingly, rest your hands
Upon my weary eyes
And close them with a kiss.


- Judo

 

[Lauren Hynde]

How about making it shorter?

Lovingly, rest your hands
Upon my weary eyes
And close them with a kiss.


- Judo

I like that, Judo. I really do. But in this piece I was aiming for something a bit more poignant. I need to add a little more edge to it:


Rest your hands
upon my cold eyes,
close them in a kiss,
mournful and vague.


Anything there?

 

[karmadog]

I think you should drop "mournful and vague". You've already stated that the eyes are cold, so we assume the speaker is dead and the kiss is mournful, but if you add vague to it, it doesn't make sense. You define the kiss then call it vague.

How about just:

Rest your hands
upon my cold eyes
close them with a kiss.

Or (haiku style):

Rest your hands upon
my cold eyes, vague and joyless.
Close them with a kiss.

I don't know. I kind of like the first one, but...