Poems About Nothing In Particular

[SugarLacedLie]

SinceI don't write poetry very often, when I do I like to get feedback on what others though about my poems. This is one I wrote for my english class. It's al elegy type poem.

I walk in the forest
To feel the wind whip around me
Taking me to special places
Blowing all my troubles away
But they always blow right back

I lay down on the grass
Let the tiny stalks of grass tickle my skin
Like a thousand prickles all over my body
The smell of grass sedates me
But only for a short while

The thin fluffy clouds part
And the moonlight cascades over my body
Taking me to special places
Filling me with wonder and hope
Deluding me into thinking all will be well

I stare up at the moon
Entranced my its seductive light
Pulling me further and further into its delusion
Making me feel calm all over
Letting me know that somewhere
He’s under the same moon as I

But the clouds gather again
Casting me into total darkness
Of my heart mind and soul
Feeling alone I dive into myself
Leaving all else behind

I suffocate inside myself
Letting my mind wander
To thoughts unspoken
When deep inside I know
We are no longer one.

 

[Senna Jawa]

poetry--the art of words

Hi SLL,

your poem has 31 lines and 25 pronouns "I", "me", "my" and "myself". This damages your poem considerably, especially that in this type of a poem and scenery it is understood that you write about the lyrical subject (about "yourself"--speaking in a naive language). Try to rewrite this poem (if not for anything else then just for exercise) reducing these self-referencing pronouns to a bare minimum, to one or two, and certainly not more than three. See what happens.

Regards,

 

[Senna Jawa]

Hi SLL,

your poem has 31 lines and 25 pronouns "I", "me", "my" and "myself".

Actually, one of your "my's" is a typo--it should be "by".

This doesn't change anything in my previous post. But since I am at it then let me make it worthwhile. You write "special places", "all my troubles", "always", "for a short while", "all will be well", "its delusion", "all else". These and perhaps a few other phrases do not carry any specific image, so that they sound trite, dry. Let every phrase be juicy. If you get to the earlier exercise then you may address at the same time the issue of replacing the general phrases by concrete instances. Good luck.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Well done, Senna.

I tend to agree; there's some meat in here and it's worth editing. Good luck and keep writing!

bj