Poem post

[FdiskIt]

I wrote this many years ago, it is the only one so far I think remotely worthy of being posted here.


Title: TELL ME
By: FdiskIt

Written 02/21/1986

If the devil walks
And the preacher talks
Tell me
Whom do yo follow

If the fool begins to whine
And the wise man starts to dine
Tell me
To whom do you listen

If the teacher speaks
And the street boy sneaks
Tell me
From whom do you learn

If the liar cries
And the honest man sighs
Tell me
Whom do you believe

Everyone is out to survive
Tell me for what you strive
You've got to be strong
To decide right from wrong

If the rich man smuggles
And the poor man struggles
Tell me
To whom do you give

If we're at war
And you don't know what for
Tell me
To whom will you run

If people can live in space
And on earth there's no place
Tell me
With whom will you dwell

If the world starts to fry
And it's your turn to die

Tell me
Where will you hide

Everyone is out to survive
Let me show you for what I strive
You've got to be strong
To decide right from wrong

Thank you for your opinions.

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Thanks

Thanks for posting your poem, FdiskIt! I found it very interesting. I won't do a blow by blow review, but overall it had a cool structure. I especially liked:

"If the rich man smuggles
And the poor man struggles"

The only things I would comment on is that the poem really doesn't offer an answer.

"Everyone is out to survive
Let me show you for what I strive
You've got to be strong
To decide right from wrong"

It says "Let me show you for what I strive", and then doesn't show you.

Anyway, thanks for sharing it!

 

[FdiskIt]

RE: It says "Let me show you for what I strive", and then doesn't show you.

Thank you for pointing that out. I never even took that into consideration.

 

[FdiskIt]

I'm adding one I wrote just a couple years ago.

Ode to our children 12/1999

By FdiskIt

Bicker and banter
Tickel and laughter
Give that back it's mine
Do we have to tell them one more time
They make us laugh and make us smile
Getting on our nerves all the while
To their waking cries we run
For a parents work is never done
It is worth every ounce of stress
One moment we would not wish to miss
For our children could not love us less
Looking forward to each good night kiss

 

[The Huntsman]

Our final, revival, Show!

First, it bothers me that all of the lines are capitalised. Yeah, I can work around it, but it shows me that the author hasn't even taken the small time to edit the file before pasting it here. It makes me wonder exactly how much time has been given to reflect on a particular piece.

Ode to our children 12/1999

By FdiskIt

"Bicker and banter
tickle and laughter.
Give that back, it's mine!
Do we have to tell them,
one more time?
They make us laugh and [lift our] smiles,
working thirty-year old nerves
all the while.
At the sound of waking cries we run -
middle-night or day;
a parent[']s work is never done"

- a parent's work is never done - seems contrived.

"It is worth every ounce of stress,
one moment we would not wish to miss"

- do you really want to convey the future conditional voice?

"for our children could not love us less,
looking forward to each good night kiss"

- this stanza is really confused. The third line is the source of confusion. It seems to express the opposite of your point.
Here is a sentence that should clarify - "Our children could not love us less, if we beat them and left them at the dock." The conditional nature of the sentence undoes the statement.

Ihmara

 

[karmadog]

I found both poems a little preachy. Like a 60's folk song. That's OK if you like that.

On the other hand I really liked the line that reads:

"Bicker and banter
tickLE and laughter."

Nice rhythm to it.