Poem help--

[WillowedCabin]

Hey lovely people,
I've been a bit reclusive as of late for personal reasons. I'm working on a project now and was wondering if you could give me feedback if you have a moment. Any critique is appreciated.
**this is a spoken word piece, if that changes your frame of reference.
--------------------------------------
Hooded
------------------
I saw it follow me through the trees
that evil thing in wolfskin clothing
feigning ignorance, I stooped to pick flowers
and present myself to its hunger

Closing my eyes, I soaked
in the coolness of its shadow
Fear sharpened anticipation
and I waited for it to take me
breath by breath

but it didnt

And dizzy with disbelief,
I didn't recognize my own feet.
I took the long way home to find
it had taken the shortcut

eaten my loved ones
lounged in their beds
dressed in their nightgowns

and smiled at me
like there were strawberries dangling from its teeth

And as it consumed me, I wept
with the knowledge
that I had wanted
this
evil
to eat me.

 

[bronzeage]

One can't see something follow them unless they walk backwards. The first line creates an awkward image. One can hear it, or perhaps a sixth sense may detect danger.

 

[Tzara]

One can't see something follow them unless they walk backwards. The first line creates an awkward image. One can hear it, or perhaps a sixth sense may detect danger.

bronze has a good point, but I don't think it is so damning or illogical as he makes it out to be. You can't see someone directly behind you, of course, but I assumed reading this that you saw the figure through the trees, off to one side or another, perhaps as you glance to one side or another.

So that image is not a problem for me personally.

I think the first couple of S's are better than the close of the poem (though I really like the line like there were strawberries dangling from its teeth, which implies both blood and sweetness). I think I don't see enough development of the theme past the part where the narrator opens her eyes and feels dizzy after waiting for the evil to devour her.

Anyway, pretty good, at least in my opinion.

 

[WillowedCabin]

To Tzara and Bronzie,

Thanks for great feedback! I ended developing other parts of it and rewording a bit. Now here's another question: you might have noticed this but, maybe not. This is a deconstruction of Little Red Riding Hood. Do you think pointing out the origin of the theme makes the reading more focused for the reader? Does it add anything? Or does this stand alone?

Thanks again

 

[ninianne]

Thanks for great feedback! I ended developing other parts of it and rewording a bit. Now here's another question: you might have noticed this but, maybe not. This is a deconstruction of Little Red Riding Hood. Do you think pointing out the origin of the theme makes the reading more focused for the reader? Does it add anything? Or does this stand alone?

Thanks again

I caught the red riding hood reference fairly quickly. I think the allusions along with the title make it obvious enough that you don't need anything more pointed. It stands alone.

My first thought when I finished the poem was that everything was gender neutral--the narrator was "I", the wolf/evil was "it", the dear ones were "they". That was an interesting choice--for me, at least, what it did was make the poem more abstract, like it was intended to capture my thoughts but leave me emotionally free--if that makes any sense. The gender-neutrality made me feel the action less immediately.

This was increased by the lack of punctuation in the first and second sections, and the use of past participle in the evil's action.

I saw it follow me through the trees
that evil thing in wolfskin clothing
feigning ignorance, I stooped to pick flowers
and present myself to its hunger

Here, I think you meant there to be a full stop at the end of the second line--which would make it the narrator who is feigning ignorance. As it is written, "feigning ignorance" modifies "that evil thing" which is the last noun that preceeds it. This might be a purposeful ambiguity--but it made me stop and think instead of moving forward in my reading of your poem.

In the second section, you have something similar, which was easier for me to parse because you capitalized the beginning of the third line of that section.

The other place I noticed things going ambiguous and passive was:

I took the long way home to find
it had taken the shortcut

eaten my loved ones
lounged in their beds
dressed in their nightgowns

and smiled at me
like there were strawberries dangling from its teeth

This is the only real time that the "it" acts--and that action is at one remove, again. It had taken, eaten, lounged (the first time I read this sentence, it took me a moment to realize that this one was part of the list of past participles that the evil had done--as it is written, maybe the loved ones had been lounging in their beds, dressed in their nightgowns), dressed, and smiled.

I really like this. I like retold fairy tales (in fact, recently I wrote a paper about the use of hansel and gretel in poetry) and I think this has promise. I agree that I especially like the strawberries image. Well done.

 

[Tzara]

Very interesting comments by ninianne--I liked reading her analysis.

I would agree that you certainly don't need to make the Red Riding Hood theme any more obvious. It's very obvious as is.

 

[ishtat]

Hey lovely people,
I've been a bit reclusive as of late for personal reasons. I'm working on a project now and was wondering if you could give me feedback if you have a moment. Any critique is appreciated.
**this is a spoken word piece, if that changes your frame of reference.
--------------------------------------
Hooded
------------------
I saw it follow me through the trees (It followed - to replace first 4 words?)
that evil thing in wolfskin clothing (omit 'that evil thing' - anything in wolfskin is evil by definition)
feigning ignorance, I stooped to pick flowers ( do you need 'feigning ignorance?')
and present myself to its hunger

Closing my eyes, I soaked
in the coolness of its shadow (his for its?)
Fear sharpened anticipation
and I waited for it to take me (him?)
breath by breath

but it didn't (maybe just 'no' for it 'didn't,' because you have another didn't in 2 lines time)

And dizzy with disbelief,
I didn't recognize my own feet.
I took the long way home to find
it had taken the shortcut (he for it?)

eaten my loved ones
lounged in their beds
dressed in their nightgowns

and smiled at me
like there were strawberries dangling from its teeth

And as it consumed me, I wept
with the knowledge
that I had wanted
this (Not sure about the last three lines. Do you need them?
evil
to eat me.

There were one or two switches of tenses which perplexed me a little, but I'm not sure what might be better - if anything.

 

[greenmountaineer]

I agree with ishtat on reducing words and avoiding repetition. I prefer "it" to the masculine pronouns because the latter is implied, given the Little Red Riding Hood theme, and because "it" sounds like "id," which perhaps interests only psychology buffs such as myself.

Again, given the well-known tale, I'm not sure the following stanza is necessary:

"eaten my loved ones
lounged in their beds
dressed in their nightgowns"

and I think its deletion would make more powerful:

"and it had taken the shortcut

and smiled at me (there)
like there were strawberries dangling from its teeth

And as it consumed me, I wept
with the knowledge
(of what) I had wanted.

I agree with ishtat again; the last three lines aren't necessary, although I might have searched for something metaphorical in lieu of "knowledge." Maybe that's a bias that I only have, but ending your poem with an abstraction in the next to last line felt like a let down, given the powerful images that preceded it.

I also suggested a parenthetical "there." At the risk of contradicting my first statement, an occasional repeated word can add to the sound quality of a poem. (I hesitate to call such "rhythm" in as much as it's just one word.)

Thanks for posting this. These kinds of threads are what make Literotica.com worthwhile.