Pleease, offer some advice!!! do we have hope?

[seether]

Pleease, offer some advice!!! do we have hope or can love die so fast?

Hi all,

My love of 3+ years has recently called it off because he says that he no longer loves me in a girlfriend way. despite this, he still says that he wants to spend time with me, be best friends, care for me and loves me and finds me an amazing person. he's told me that he is willing to try again so as not to lose such a precious thing. our relationship was blissful, magical, so precious and perfect in almost every way and we were deeply in love so i think i want him back. any ideas/strategies for what we can try or how we can go back??

i am prepared to change in order to patch things up (although he is such a great person that i'd even be prepared to be friends, like before we got together). his feelings are completely out of character and unexpected for both of us so i’m wondering whether it is just a phase, maybe because he’s currently very stressed, and whether (and how) our feelings can be revived.

Thanks very much!

 

[huskie]

my $.02 ............

I think you should either keep trying with him, with the hopes that he will come around and ya'll can go back to being boy friend and girl friend...... or ....... walk away comepletely.
If you know that there is know way ya'll are going to get back to the level you want then you should walk away, get over the hurt, and find someone new. I think it will hurt more to hange around him if you can't make him commit to you fully...... know what i mean??

 

[seether]

yeh thanks for that mate, but what i meant was, given that i probably do want to make it work out, how can we do that??

 

[marksgirl]

I kinda went through something like this years ago with a guy I lived with for 2+ years. And to be honest It hurt more to just be his friend! I finally had to just walk away and that was probly the best thing I ever did in my life. See, I still to this day love him.

But things happen for a reason, I found the love of my life and we have been married for over 16 years!!!!!!!!!

 

[thør]

does he love someone else in a "girlfriend way"?

be careful about changing for people....it can cause dissent later on in life.....

 

[Guest]

Re: Pleease, offer some advice!!! do we have hope or can love die so fast?

 

[SXCRgirl]

If it was me, I would leave. For one thing, he doesn't love you in a *girlfriend* way, which translates to, he isn't in love with you anymore. Yes, he cares about you and your well being - this translates to, I love you like a sister. Is this truly what you want your love relationship to be? It would hurt to be just his friend. In some ways, I think that he's letting you down easy because of your prior relationship. You want to change FOR him in order to make him happy? Think about that for a moment. Love means accepting you for who you are - faults and all, and chooses to be with you anyway. What about him? Is he so perfect that he doesn't have any flaws?

It's going to hurt, but my advice is, look at it in the long run. Are you going to be happy? In the event that you two do work it out, in the back of your mind, you're always going to wonder if his feelings are true or not. I agree with marksgirl, go out and seek your future. You will always have a place in your heart for this guy, it's just high time you found a better home.

Just my 0.02.

 

[seether]

thanx guys for all ur responses!

by "changing" i wouldnt ever change anything about me FOR someone, but may be prepared to make little compromises that would help me feel better about myself about being in a relationship (i almost never compromise and that may be one of the things that's bothering him, subconsciously). i guess i just look for a reason cos he didnt give me any other than he's just not in love, and he can't give me any others cos he's always had trouble phrasing his feelings.

isnt it worth making little adjustments/compromises and in the process be the nicer person i mean to be but rarely am? i dunno. i'm a bit confused.

and no, he's not with anyone else.

 

[efferell]

I can sympathise with what you`re going through - my marriage of almost 12 years has more or less gone the same way. There was an issue about someone else being involved, but ultimately she felt she thought of me as more like one of her family (i.e. like a brother) than anything else. Its still early days but it still hurts like hell becasue my feelings havent changed towards her, but i have to get used to the fact she`ll only be a friend from now on, not a lover/wife etc. If it werent for our tie with the kids i would probably agree with one of the earlier posts and say that the best thing would be to make a clean break and walk away.

 

[Persephone36]

This is one of the hardest things to face...

really I feel for what you're going through. And it may sound like people are just flippantly suggesting you leave him and not continue any kind of relationship, as if it's an easy thing to do...it may sound that way simply because it's not what you want to hear. But the advice is really very sound -- even if it's blunt.

No matter what any of us suggest to you -- there is no "one" thing any of us can say that's necessarily going to help you -- because you need to think about what your deepest hopes and wants are for this relationship -- versus what your reality is. You have to face your pain.

There is no answer for "why" when someone who you have loved, who has loved you, falls out of love. He can't explain his change in feelings -- because no one ever can. You haven't done anything wrong -- neither has he. It will break your heart and your belief in yourself to look for a reason -- when there isn't one that exists. Things like this happen -- and for the person rejected, when their love is still alive -- it's torture. It's also probably killing him to be hurting you like this. If he's showing signs of extreme stress -- it's because of the fact that he has to be honest with you about how his feelings have changed. It's even possible that he's questioning what being in love is to him as a person -- it may have evolved -- he's looking now for something different than he had with you.

And there is no question -- all of that is extremely painful -- for both of you.

You're talking about changing the relationship -- making some compromises that you never did before, even if they're minor, to help the relationship -- except that you said for three years it was idyllic. You don't need to make compromises to save something that has changed in an intrinsic way -- there aren't any you could make to change it back to the way it was. That's a reality you'll need to face too.

Your reality is -- he isn't in love with you anymore. And you are still in love with him. He loves you in a non-romantic, non-sexual way now -- which is not how you feel about him.

I was in a similar situation -- I think we all have been at one point or another. On either the end of the one being rejected -- or the one rejecting someone we care about deeply.

In the end run -- you have to consider what you can emotionally handle now. If you can't face the idea of being without him -- then that's where you are at. One thing that you could begin to consider is that *you* deserve better. You deserve someone, no matter how deeply you love him and are in love with him now -- that can return your feelings as deeply. Something he no longer can do. He was able to that -- now he's not. You've done nothing wrong -- it's just something wonderful that you had -- has ended.

You may not be able to accept this or take this in now -- but you will eventually move on from him and love again. And you may be able to retain a friendship with him -- or not. Some of us feel we can do that, some believe a complete separation is healthier. You do what you have to do for you -- and you do what you can handle now. Don't judge yourself for wanting the relationship back, or to continue -- but you do have accept that it has changed. And you'll need to mourn that the love you shared as you knew it has ended. It may help you through that mourning period for him to be in your life. You may feel that's too painful and you may decide to completely walk away. No contact -- for a while or permanently. No one can make that decision for you -- you have to search your heart.

And you have to give your heart time to heal. No matter what -- try not to sacrifice who you are and what you want in order to try to "win" him back. Once someone's romantic love has ended -- it's ended. If you are able to still love each other as friends without it being tremendously painful for you (meaning without you constantly and secretly hoping he'll fall in love with you again) -- then you're very lucky. It's an incredibly difficult thing to do. If there are any compromises that get made -- it's the one someone makes when they decided to keep someone in their life as a friend who they are in love with. Just be careful those compromises don't undermine your belief in yourself as worthy to be loved by another.

 

[huskie]

I can sympathise with what you`re going through - my marriage of almost 12 years has more or less gone the same way. There was an issue about someone else being involved, but ultimately she felt she thought of me as more like one of her family (i.e. like a brother) than anything else. Its still early days but it still hurts like hell becasue my feelings havent changed towards her, but i have to get used to the fact she`ll only be a friend from now on, not a lover/wife etc. If it werent for our tie with the kids i would probably agree with one of the earlier posts and say that the best thing would be to make a clean break and walk away.

This is weird........ I'm in EXACTLY the same boat as you. I wonder why there are so many marriages like ours out there???

 

[nawtyleanni]

What is it that he wants you to change?

 

[EvilSmurf]

excellent advice Persephone36.

 

[efferell]

Sorry to hear that you`re in the same boat as me huskie. People keep telling me things will get better, but its so hard to see that right now. The one good thing to come out of this is my realisation of all of the good friends and family i have who have been willing to listen while i pour my troubles out. Its that and the love of and from my kids thats kept me going through this.

 

[seether]

thanx heaps everybody.

didnt realise it was so common for ppl to just have a "change of heart," i thought people usually break up from figthing/disagreeing/cheating.

Persephone36 you make so much sense! we're just friends now.
"If there are any compromises that get made -- it's the one someone makes when they decided to keep someone in their life as a friend who they are in love with. Just be careful those compromises don't undermine your belief in yourself as worthy to be loved by another." i feel i'm worthy of love by another, but in the meantime i'm just trying to stop myself loving him (whilst still connecting as friends).

"What is it that he wants you to change?"
he definitely doesnt want that - i was just thinking that maybe i shoulda done some things differently - like Persephone36 mentioned, i'm probably looking for a reason for us not working out (cant find any - i thought everything else was great, so it could have been me.)

 

[lilpriss]

well, if you are completely unavailable, he will either realize what he's missing ... or meet someone else. Meantime, you will do a few things too... mourn your loss, realize what you AREN'T missing, and meet someone else.

Hate to be a bitch but if his heart isn't in it now, you waiting and wishing and hoping is only going to make him pity you... And a reunion that is born of pity is shortlived and worse the second time around.

If you were to get back together, would he have any respect for you? DOUBT IT.

Why, oh why do we all want what we can't have? Break ups suck, but if he's not good at expressing himself then you may never understand...

He may be bored, or thinking about seeing someone else and feeling guilty... 3 yrs is a long time... he may have realized that you don't mesh in bed... (just throwing out ideas here) something may have changed his perception... he may WANT to see someone else, and doesn't want to cheat... You just never know... he's also probably feeling guilty as hell because he KNOWS you are more emotionally invested than he is and doesn't want to hurt you more... three years is a long time.

I really suggest that you move on, if he sees that you're moving on he'll either beg to get you back or he won't... either way don't hold your breath.

And remember even he wants what he can't have...

You could start dating his best friend and do with him all the things you wouldn't do with your ex...


Good luck break ups suck

 

[SailorC272002]

You did not mention it but about how old are you? I ask because if you are young, 18-23 frequently what happens is people grow, develop different interests etc.. and it may be best to part now. Neither of you may have done anything wrong but today is different than 3 years ago. Keep in mind that is why you courted that long. Now you may know that the person is not right for you. Rest easy, you will meet someone else, this is not the last person on earth.

 

[seether]

"well, if you are completely unavailable,"
i know that i'm unavailable to him, i wouldnt want him back like this, but it's hard to be like that if he knows i still love him...

cheers

 

[huskie]

You could start dating his best friend and do with him all the things you wouldn't do with your ex...


Good luck break ups suck

LOL!!!!! You a BAD Girl!!!!!

 

[huskie]

Sorry to hear that you`re in the same boat as me huskie. People keep telling me things will get better, but its so hard to see that right now. The one good thing to come out of this is my realisation of all of the good friends and family i have who have been willing to listen while i pour my troubles out. Its that and the love of and from my kids thats kept me going through this.

Yep...... Same here..... It's the baby that makes me stay. I could walk away from all the money and time and hard work, but I can't just walk away from my daughter.

seether
I know things seem bad and your heart is breaking, but understand that it could be worse. Be thankfull there are NO youngens involved.

 

[Persephone36]

Good point!

You did not mention it but about how old are you? I ask because if you are young, 18-23 frequently what happens is people grow, develop different interests etc.. and it may be best to part now. Neither of you may have done anything wrong but today is different than 3 years ago. Keep in mind that is why you courted that long. Now you may know that the person is not right for you. Rest easy, you will meet someone else, this is not the last person on earth.

Seether -- Sailor makes an excellent point.

And not to knock what lilpriss is saying -- but DO NOT go into that territory of wondering if he's "bored in bed" or after another, etc. You will torture yourself with that -- and they're all ideas that simply run down your self-esteem. And quite frankly, NONE of them maybe true. He hasn't said any of them to you -- why look to yourself as being at fault. Him falling out of love is his problem not yours. Why look to the worst for answers? And revenge (not that I think you're even considering going there) -- is the ultimate immature act of stupidty. People with emotional maturity don't act out like that. Have a few fantasies about it, lol -- sure -- but do not go there.

The important part of life is the love you have in it. Although it's extremely painful -- to retain your relationship with him as friends can make you a stronger person in the long run. There are many people who don't believe that concept, and they have a right to that opinion, particularly since it may be based on their own experiences. As I said before -- you have to do what is right for you in the moment.

I know this from my personal experience -- it's still a beautiful thing to have someone in your life who loves and accepts all of you for you -- even if that person in a platonic friend. It hurts like hell when you feel the same in return for them but you're in love with them too. But the fact that you know you're capable of loving another eventually -- that you deserve it and that you will attract that right person -- that will help keep you grounded in the hard moments. It shows the faith you have in yourself even in the face of his rejection -- that kind of strength will do you well throughout your life.

But give yourself plenty of time to get over this situation. You're going to go through a lot of phases of letting him go -- don't be surprised or scared if you feel so angry at him at times that you hate him. It's normal -- it's a part of the experience of breaking up. Just let yourself feel *all* your feelings -- don't squash anything down because you still love him, and feel guilty. For that matter -- don't be afraid to fall out of love with him yourself! That can be truly hard -- because when you let go of the one person you love -- suddenly, you're left with no one to love -- and facing that freedom where you have no one now but anything is possible -- that can be very frightening too. But...it can also be exciting. It's all in the way you look at yourself and your life. You have to just face it all and ride it out. Whatever your path is in this break up -- whatever you do or don't feel -- it's your own process, and like no one else's. But going through all of it will help you heal and it will give you perspective on the proper place he will eventually take in your life.

Good luck with all of it.

P

 

[lilpriss]

In my own defense, the "revenge" part of my post was meant as a joke. People should try it sometimes... jokes... they make you laugh, which makes you smile which helps to heal.

I'm not here to put pinholes in anyones fragile ego... just making the point, that there are a ton of reasons people breakup, I've been on both ends at different times and the person breaking it off feels as much pain as the person being broken off with... just at different times and on different levels, for different reasons...

The point I was trying to make was MOVE ON. Why try to salvage a situation like this? When the emotions are unequal, which they apparently are, the one who feels more love CAN NOT support the other for long without sinking herself.

 

[Persephone36]

In my own defense, the "revenge" part of my post was meant as a joke. People should try it sometimes... jokes... they make you laugh, which makes you smile which helps to heal.

I figured you meant it as a joke -- but it was also a little hard to tell from your tone, you know -- in cyber land we can't always "hear" sarcasm...so I just wanted to make it clear.

Believe me, I have quite a good sense of humor, but I just didn't chose to bring it out here. Sorry you seemed to feel I was putting you down.

Like I said -- I wasn't attacking what you were saying. In fact, I think we're saying very similar things -- just in different ways. And everyone is just trying to help -- me as much as you, right?

So, no -- hard feelings, k?

 

[dreamer]

Changing is NOT wrong or bad. IF done with the right mindset and outlook.

Seek couples counseling. If he isn't interested in trying to make this work then you may just have to walk away. Make sure you try everything though; regrets are a bitch.

Best of luck.

 

[seether]

update...

dreamer, i think at first we were interested in fixing things (counseling or whatever) but i'm not sure it's worth it any more. he has a severe problem communicating and i dont think thats something that i should suffer for. i never thought i would feel this way about him but i dont think i'm interested anymore.
not to say that it's not painful remembering our wonderful times together, but how can he be the one for me if he can't articulate his thoughts/feelings?
altho i wouldnt want to get back together i'm secretly hoping that he'll come around and realise his mistakes. on one hand i wish him well but on the other i want him to be the one regretting this (i'm sure he'll get there). am i being bitter and mean?

why do men have so much trouble expressing themselves?