Please Review My First Story!

[secretsin]

Hey everyone! I would love to have my story reviewed by y'all. This is a nonconsent story and may not be everyone's thing but if it is please read and tell me what you think.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=78659

 

[gauchecritic]

A guache critique

The first day of school was always the hardest for Cindy. At 18 years of age she was still very shy and uncomfortable around people her own age.

g- The first sentence is a good opener the second one is as uncomfortable as Cindy.

Cindy was 5'5" tall with a perfectly tight body. She had long, pale blonde hair and wide blue eyes. Always wanting to look perfect Cindy had started neatly shaving her blonde pussy years before. Her breasts were a perfect, round C cup that always seemed to strain against her shirt. In attempt to salvage her daughters high school career Cindy's mother enrolled her in an all girl catholic school that was within walking distance of their home.

g- Don't ever, ever, ever give a list of attributes, it is stultifyingly dull. If you have to mention every single thing about her perfection add it in to other paragraphs, singly, for example in the next para. "Early Monday morning Cindy woke up, her long, pale, blonde hair in disarray..."
This para should have been two paras. The part about her mother switching schools for her (why?) has nothing to do with how Cindy looks.

Early Monday morning Cindy woke up and indulged herself in a long, hot, shower. After toweling her firm young body dry she pulled on her stark, white, cotton, underwear and carefully dressed in her uniform. The short plaid skirt showed off her long shapely legs and the tight white blouse strained against her large breasts.

g - We already know she has a firm young body, no need to rub it in.

Looking at herself in the bathroom mirror Cindy blushed and wished she wasn't so shapely. 'At least there won't be any guys here to gape at me. Maybe an all girl's school is just what I need.' Smiling a little she picked up her book bag and hurried out of the house to school.

g - She dresses in a tight blouse and short skirt and wishes she wasn't so shapely? I don't think so. Thoughts usually demand a distinction in font generally italics.

The school was a mile from Cindy's home and the early morning air was cool. 'I should have grabbed a jacket. Oh well, if I hurry I'll get there soon.'

Again we know how far the school is, you already said.

The neighborhood itself wasn't so great but Cindy was sure she would be okay. She didn't see any guys around and it was broad daylight. After a few moments the silence started to bother her and Cindy suddenly felt eyes on her back and shivered holding her bag closer to her body.

g - Don't just say the neighbourhood wasn't great show us eg "The alleys and darkened interiors of the buildings along the road didn't make this a great neighbourhood I'll be okay "

"Hey Baby! Shake that tight ass for me!" A loud female voice shouted crudely from a run down house. Cindy concentrated on the ground and tried to ignore it. Even at her old schools the guys had never been so mean. She couldn't believe a girl would be like that.

g - Again with the hints about previous disasterous school careers.

"Yeah girl keep walking we want to see those hips move!" Cindy glanced behind her and saw a large group of girls looking at her. When she turned around she saw that another group had moved to block her path.

Looking around Cindy saw that there was no one in sight. All the houses appeared empty and the cars were gone. 'They must have gone to work already. Shit. What am I going to do?'

Bluffing she called out "Come any closer and I'll scream."

g - forget the bluffing part and describe her nervousness instead to give us the impression of a bluff. "Come any closer and I... I'll scream" she quailed

"Oh we're going to cum alright." A tall, busty brunette yelled back and the others laughed.

Feeling terrified Cindy turned and ran into a near by alley hoping to duck between the houses. Instead she came to a dead end and turned to see the girls, about 10, blocking her path.

g - Again don't tell she was terrified show. And ducking down an alley in a strange town? What is this a B-Movie? Were these girls 10 years old or 10 strong, how about "..turned and estimated almost a dozen girls blocking her escape."

"Aww, looks like the little school girl has no where to go." The brunette seemed to be the ring leader for the group.

"I'll give you my money if that's what you want. Just let me go to school." Cindy looked at them pleading with her eyes. None of them looked interested.

g - Leave out the "I'm only a school girl". Surely every single one of these girls looked incredibly interested, but not in her money.

"Oh so your one of those prissy school girls from uptown that thinks she's to good for us?" A red haired girl called out jeering. "Your about to find out what your missing."

g- More B-Movie attributes this time in the dialogue

They rushed her as a group and quickly covered her mouth. She was then dragged to a near by van and thrown inside. The brunette and three other girls got in back with her and the van speed (sped) off.

g - Here is the first part of the story where you could have given a very exciting description of the events to come and so build up interest in the following parts. Personally I think that paragraph should have gone on for at least 3 more beginning with; "A blacked out, Ford van caught Cindy's attention as it hove whisperingly into view behind her would-be tormentors, hope, anger and fear fled across her face as resignation made a mask of her face and eyes" etc

"I hope you're ready for some fun girlie." The brunette said with a laugh as the other three, the red head and two blondes began to paw her over. Eagerly they ripped open her blouse and tore off her bra. One of the blondes started to pull down her skirt but the ring leader spoke up.

g - this is the second chance.

"Leave it. I want to fuck her with her little skirt on." The other girls laughed and instead ripped off her underwear.

g - I liked this first use of profanity

Cindy tried to whimper but was slapped for her effort.

"Be quiet bitch. No one can help you. Do what you're told and you might get out of this alive." Nodding Cindy let herself go limp as the busty brunette forced her thighs apart.

g - busty brunette. find some other description please.

"Mmm.. You shave, good." The brunette shoved her face between Cindy's legs and began slurping greedily. Cindy tried not to respond but the girl knew what she was doing.

Using her tongue she licked and sucked Cindy's clit before shoving her finger into Cindy's sopping wet pussy.

"Oh yeah. The little bitch likes that." One of the girls breathed heavily. Suddenly the sucking stopped.

"If she liked that I bet she'll love this." The brunette peeled off her own tight top exposing her huge breasts and enormous nipples. Kneeling again she began to rub her hard nipples against Cindy's clit and pussy hole.

g - This doesn't seem at all right. I can't see how a rapist would want to 'pleasure' a victim. Huge breasts and enormous nipples is once again a list.

Though she tried to resist Cindy felt herself starting to cum. 'Oh no. I'm not going to let these girls turn me on. I'm not going to let this bitch woman suck me off.' Before she could even finish the thought Cindy began to cum.

g - If she couldn't finish the thought don't let her. "Gritting her teeth Cindy strove to resist I'm not letting these girls turn me on. I'm not going to let this bitch woman suck.. Ooh. Moaning Cindy began to cum"

"Oh yeah. Oh yeah I'm cumming.." She screamed as she sent a wave of hot juice into the leaders' mouth.

"Now make me cum bitch." Before Cindy could react the woman had taken off her pants and was grinding her pussy against Cindy's face. "Suck it just like I sucked you and if you try anything we'll kill you."

Terrified Cindy sucked the brunettes' swollen clit and felt the woman's juice start to dribble down her chin. The woman grunted and grinded harder while Cindy desperately slurped, and sucked her clit. The brunettes' pussy was already dripping wet and Cindy drank the juice while she sucked.

Suddenly the woman moaned and shoved her pussy down hard and the hot juices came flowing out choking Cindy.

"Good girl." The woman gasped and climbed off her. "You all can fuck her now."

"No!" Cindy started to scream as one of the blondes, now completely naked, mounted her face. Instinctively Cindy began to lick and suck on the clit and drink down the pussy juice while the woman humped her face madly. Another girl had spread her legs and was licking greedily while the other two sucked her breasts.

As soon as the blonde was finished she was replaced by yet another and that continued until Cindy had sucked all of their wet pussies. Once they had cum the women rubbed their soaked pussies over her body until Cindy was coated in the juice. Her own pussy was wet and throbbing and she felt the van come to a stop.

"Good we finished just in time." The ring leader began to put her clothes back on. "Now the bitch should be ready to make us some cash.


g - With all that action going on It should have lasted for at least half a page and if the intent was a jerk story then this scene was the place for it. Once again you submit a list of things that happened instead of describing the feelings, actions and intents of everyone concerned.

Please don't be put off by this criticism, it is meant as constructive (even when it looks sarcastic) and you can hopefully continue with a better understanding of some of the techniques required in order to write a compelling story.

Gauche

 

[tmarcl]

I did like it. Certainly, I've never read anything about women raping women. Later I'll check out the non-consent section and see if there's anything to compare it to.

Gauche did an excellent critique, so I won't add too much to that, but here's some things that I think need work.

First, pay attention to spelling, grammar, and punctuation-in your case, especially commas.

Below is a link for rules in using commas.

http://www.cloudnet.com/~edrbsass/edrules.htm

You need to recheck your usage of 'you're'. I can tell you know how to (you used it correctly a few times), but you need to go back through and double check that you got all of them.

Other things: If there's a bad neighborhood between Cindy's house and the school, is it really likely her mom is going to let her walk? Especially given her over protectiveness?

Also, you need to look at the logic behind your story. Yes, it's a stroke story, but we need to know what's going on. Given Cindy is obviously an 'innocent', why is her mom worried about her high school career? It certainly isn't because of her body-not when she's letting her dress in tight outfits. If she's sexually active, she's not going to be ashamed of her own body. If she is ashamed, then why is she bothering to shave her pussy?

Ask yourself questions about your story as you write it. The same rules for writing a newspaper story apply for fiction-ask Who? What? Where? Why? and How? Especially 'why?'.

Marc