Please Review/Critique my story "Bare Fist"

mistermister81

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“Keegan Family (Linda, Bob, and Ryan) vs. the Reynolds family (Sarah, John, Melissa, and Henry).


Fight night was about to commence inside Victor Cromwell’s tennis duplex located on the grounds of his three story Greek Mansion called “Visuvius located in the Cayman Islands. Victor Cromwell stood outside the main public doors having a smoke with his gorgeous wife Victoria. He had spent his early 20’s graduating with a degree in Management and a minor in marketing from Penn U. During his entry into college his freshman year, he decided to enroll in a local Akido Academy that was there at campus activities sign up day. With Victor’s height at 6’0, and his weight at 230 he proved to be quite the protégé, winning several Regional and State tournaments from age 19 to age 30. Victor’s wide muscular frame and stocky legs made him a intimidating opponent on the ring. Later on at age 35, Victor Cromwell attained his black belt but vowed not to teach the new karate class but decided to walk out on his former Dojo.


While in school Victor met his future wife, Victoria. They had met during a “Intro to Physcial” education class and since then had become quite a pair. Victoria would later on graduate with a degree in sports marketing with a minor in business. She saw his interest in marital arts and mentioned to him that instead of opening up his own school, he should start his own Martial Arts Fighting Federation. Victor did not hesitate and immediately followed through on his wife’s proposal. Victoria became the brains and scoured through various National and Local martial arts magazines scouting through various mixed martial art fighters competing at state and regional level.

Victor attended these fights around the United States, met the fighters, and proposed to them with his Martial Arts Federation promotional materials and business cards Victoria had prepared for him on his trip. When a fighter refused his offer, to make alittle supplemental income on the side he challenged a fighter to a duel. The fights were always held inside Victor’s opponents house usually in their basement or outside a private backyard. When Victor won he made the opponents pay him half of what he bet just to show pity for the fallen. Victor would soon begin to convince the fighters that if they could win or loss in their fights they could trick the bookies in manipulating the odds and come out of it with a huge profit.

A new point shaving enterprise was underway as Victor’s income skyrocketed from a menial $700 to $900,000. However, Victor’s east coast venture would soon become in jeopardy as several bookies with mob ties where losing money because of him. Even for a young entrepreneur Victor couldn’t go very far as he was soon whisked away to a sit down meeting with the top Capo’s and head boss of the Totino Crime Family, Salvatore Totino. In order to save face, Victor requested his wife be present at this sitdown. Victor’s requested was granted and when Victoria arrived she pleaded his life be prepared if she would just listen to her business proposition . Boss Totino was not at all impressed with Victoria’s request for just another martial arts federation that earns very little money annually and wanted to have them both whacked . Victoria proposed to Salvatore to take his top fighters of all styles his bookings were betting on and throw them into the ring against each other. She proposed that instead of a point system that was determined by clean blows to the head and stomauch that “our” fighters could win a match by wrestling pinfall, submission, and KO. The best part she concluded was that there was no time conflict, incorporated all wrestling and martial art styles, and was full contact.

Boss Totino was pleased and therefore tapped into his Entertainment/Sports Workers Union who now ran the defunct Philadelphia Spectrum. Mostly the events the Totino family threw and made a profit off of were bingo, Texas Hold Em, and the poker tournaments which were always seen on ESPN. Salvatore then put his money into arranging the concessions, maintenance of Spectrum, and the cost of construction for a brand new circular enclosed fighting arena. A big black steel cage would encircle the circular arena which was as wide as a wrestling arena. On the side of the two cage, two staircases led up to a wide circular walkway that camera crews could use for their TV shots. Boss Totino then threw in some kickbacks to those of National Sports Network and soon began hosting “Bare Fist” fighting on East Coast Television weekly. The results were in and soon Victor and Victoria’s venture began acceding into the millions with merchandise sales and PPV sales. They used what they made those 2 years and used Boss Totino’s influence and created their own cable TV network “Fight TV’ dedicated to “Bare Fist” programming and were soon taking “Bare Fist” on the road.

Now Victor Cromwell stood outside the tennis double doors on Vesusivus Mansion, the greek temple they built as a monument to themselves. However, tonight Vesuvius would now serve as a launching pad for a brand new program featuring everyday Joe's and Jane's in mixed martial arts and wrestling competition. In Victor's world there was no script nor any ring choreography. Once you stepped into his ring you were as close as to a real life situation as you'll ever get.

Victor stood there feeling like a giant with his black suit and pants with a red bow tie. Victor had a resemblance of actor John Stamos and even parted his hair the same way Stamos did when he portrayed Uncle Jessie on Full House. There he wrapped his arms around the waist of Victoria awaiting their entrance to the ring.

Victoria had sandy beach blonde hair tied up in a red bow with a cute completion like Vanna white. She wore a zipped up silver latex dress that accentuated her thin legs and butt with standard black wrestling boots. However, she is not to be fooled of as being one's everyday friend or "Daddy's Girl". In college, Victoria was highly competitive excelling in wrestling, gymnastics, and swimming. While other couples are hugging and snuggling in college, Victor was training his new protege who happened to be his girl. As time progressed from college to present time, she became a deceitful ticking time bomb who was nice on the inside but nasty at the same time when provoked.

The double doors opened and two security guards with ear pieces stood at the sides of the door holding the doors open. When Victor and Victoria enter they approached the stairway up to the pressbox area which had two rooms, one for the commentators and the other for Cromwell's personal suite with a deck that looked out into the arena. Victor and Victoria walked down the long aisle to the song of "Gangsters Make The World Go Round by Westside Connection". Victoria climbed up the shortwalk way to the steel door that went into the ring and opened up the door with her behind shinning happily through the lyrica dress. The crowd cheered but Victoria did not acknowledge htem but only gestured for her husband Victor to enter the ring. Once he entered she followed and the door was shut.

Victor walked up to the ref and blew smoke in his face and held out his right open palm and gestured to himself for the ref to give him the microphone. When he received it, the music stopped and he spoke "Welcome investors, and visitors to this lovely mansion this side of the Pacific Ocean. In the states, I was the man with the muscle who attracted a nation to my new form of wrestling. An arena very much similar to UFC Fighting and those of ancient roman times where two gladiators of equal or oppostie sex would battle not only for themselves but for the spirit of their artform . Yet the press does not get it and still likes to knock Mixed Martial arts fighting as a human cockfighting sports. Well if I was a heartless son of a bitch which I am not, we would not have the most excellent EMT and hospital staff ready to treat ring injuries from mild to serious. Not to mention this contest are sanctioned and all combatants are 18 years or older. So if I'm not following the rules then I wouldn't be the gracious saint that I am giving back to you tonight.

"Tonight we make dreams happen with our brand new fight segment featuring Average Jane's and Joe's from all middle class backgrounds in a new form of competition. Our team featured bout features the Keegan Family vs the Reynolds family. Each team member faces the other until all members of the opposing team are elminated through knockout, pinfall, TKO, and submission. Nothing is paradise without my wife competing tonight in singles competition. HEY, I LOVE GIVING BACK TO THE common man and what better way to give back then in the LAND OF PARADISE!"

Victor raises his mic in the air as Victoria is by his side clapping. Victor's speech ends and the music of "People by Insane Clown Posse" is cued and he then points and gestures at the helpless announcer to come forward to the center of the ring to grab his mic. The announcer grabs the microphone and Victor gives him a quick shove because he didn't like the way he was looking at him

Victor grabs his wife's arm and escorts her outside the ring as the ring door is opened by the ring crew. The ring crew holds the door open as the Cromwell's walk down the ring to their press box suite heads snugged against each other ignoring the cheers of the crowd.




“Welcome all Bare Fist investors and guests to Point Pleasant Mansion sight of the first ever live taping of Bare Fist Fight Adventures !.“ Tonight’s opening bout features the Keegan Family vs. Reynolds Family. Each fight will consist of single’s competition one member of each team versus another. The first to eliminate all members of the opposing team wins. So as of right now let’s kick off with tonight’s first bout”. Suddenly the sound of the song “I am woman, hear me row” is played as the double doors are open and Linda Keegan, age 55, running down the aisle in the white jogging suit holds her hands to her hips smiles and waves to the audience both on the upper and lower levels and then enters through the cage entrance into the ring and jumps up and down and raises her hands in the air. The announcer, “ Now entering the ring at a weight of 123 hailing from Minneapolis, MN the “Princess with the punch “Linda Keegan”. Linda smiles and raises her fist in the air as she poses around the ring. The music suddenly changes tune to the song “Let’s Get This Party Started” by Pink and the big doors open to a brunette with a small frame body in comparison to Linda’s makes her way to the ring wearing a black jogging suit jumping up and down throwing a combination of one, two’s. The announcer continues the announcement of the next competitor “Now coming into the ring at a height of 5’5, weighing 123 pounds from Maple Grove, MN Sarah Reynolds”, age 54. Suddenly the combination of the music and the cheering grew silent as two friends suddenly stopped getting into the spirit of things and stood silent and just looked at each other. The ring door opened and two gentlemen working as the ring crew dressed wearing white caps with the Bare Fist logo, wearing white t-shirts, and black pants both went individually to each fighter to collect their jogging suits as both fighters disrobed.

The two moms’s stood there looking beautifully with their one piece swimsuits revealed with Linda in her half black half blue and black polka dot suit. Debra stood on the opposite side of the cage wearing her black one piece suit with pink stripes running down at the base of her suit. Linda and Sarah both went to the center of the ring and shook each other hands and then began in their fighting stances. Linda runs in quickly with a big knee to the sternum area which sends Sarah down on the floor holding her gut while the crowd cheers and Linda stands and sobs. Linda then begins to pick Sarah up by the hair and begins to slam her head across the steel and Sarah sticks up her feet and elbows Linda in the face. Sarah swings a left and swings a right putting two strikes into her face and then puts her hand on her elbow and punches her in the gut once, and twice moving across the ring. Sarah pins her to the steel cage and attempts to upper cut but Linda misses and Sarah swings and hits her knuckle and jumps in pain holding her hand. Linda takes a stand back and regroups thinking herself forget friendship, forget about her and her family for right now it doesn’t matter now she must fight to keep on living. Linda pauses a second and brings up her guard and waits as Sarah shakes off the pain and charges at Linda and attempts to throw a front kick with her left leg. Linda sees the front leg being kick and dodges to the left and immediately gets on her hands and knees and immediately spins with her right leg with a sweep kick where Sarah immediately lands on her smacking her head hard in the process. Linda comes down hard on Debbie’s face with two quick foot stomps to the face followed by straight front kick. Linda quickly paces back to the square circle as a dazed Sarah staggers to get up to her feet she meets Linda at the center.

Sarah immediately throws a flurry of left and right’s which Linda blocks but Sarah then sees an opening and kicks right in the groin area which sends Linda down to the ground screaming in pain. Sarah then gets on her hands and knees and immediately begins to choke Linda and then puts her boots around Linda’s midsection to lock in the hold. Linda is now on the floor squirming to move around the floor but only moves a couple of inches. Linda tries lifting herself up but the weight of the legs wrapped around her is too strong. Debbie squeezes to apply the chokehold and Linda is about to see stars as her face is going pale as she can hear the distant chants of the crowd cheering “KILL HER, KILL HER, KILL HER!” Linda’s lights were just about to go out as she makes one quick pitch effort to take as she takes her nails and quickly scratches them violently on her calves and legs not once but twice but three times as her near death reflex action is enough to release the grip. With Sarah’s leg grip release Linda quickly takes both of her hands and puts them to both of Sarah’s ears twisting them around and around jerking them up and down violently that releases the grip that sends Sarah on her knees.

Linda crawls back on her knees and as soon as she feels Sarah’s arm on her shoulder she takes both arms and throws Sarah forward back first into the mat. Linda staggers and gets up to her feet as Sarah appears to be dazed and Linda lunges with a straight kick shot right to the chin that sends Sarah on her hands and knees. Linda then gets on her knees and repays the favor to Sarah by choking her as Linda wraps her legs around Sarah’s head and begins to apply pressure. Sarah flails her legs around straight back and forth then attempts to get up and wiggle her head forward in the hold so she is facing Linda. Sarah immediately tries to stand up and begin to lift Linda up using just the strength of her upper shoulder muscles and head but Linda does not seem to let go of the hold and Sarah immediately feels a sharp pain as she pulled a major neck muscle trying to break the hold. Sarah feels a scorch of pain that sends her to one knee and then the other. Linda squeezes and squeezes with all her mite as she once again hears the distant cheers of the crowd cheering “KILL HER, KILL HER, KILL HER”. Linda begins to squeeze more as Sarah begins to lose conscious and her eyes drift off and at this moment she knows she does not want to kill her friend anymore than she wants to be in this competition. In paying her last respects to her friend Linda let’s go of the hold and releases Sarah from the grip as she lies on the mat with her feet curled unconscious but still breathing. The referee gets down and check down on Sarah and lifts her hand once, and the arm falls down, checks the arm twice and arm falls down, checks the hand a third time and the hand falls down. The referee signals to the time keeper that the match is over. Linda release the hold as an unconscious but still breathing Sarah lays lying on the mat curled up. The referee lifts her hands up “The winner of the first bout Linda Keegan! “I am women hear me roar” is played as Linda lifts both her hands up in the air and takes a cute sexy poses for the investors and the National TV audience.. The Bare Fist EMT crew come and pick up a knocked out Sarah Keegan to the dressing room to bring her back to recovery as she looks as she will be ok.

The Cromwell's sat sipping wine sitting on bamboo chairs on the PressBox suite overlooking Linda's fight. Victor Cromwell puts his glass of wine on his crystal gold glass stand and claps. Victoria Cromwell, puts down her glass of wine on the glasstable table. She pulls out some lady cigarettes and lits them as she crosses her legs. Victor claps and then looks at Victoria and smirks. Victoria blows smoke on the side and smiles back "That Linda tries very hard, I'll give her that. She's an overachieve, coming here with something to prove". Victor moves over and rubs up and down her legs , "Yes, she sure reminds me of how you were in the beginning and what you became now because of my teachings"

Victoria puts down her cigarette in the ashtray on the table and gets up and crosses her fingers looking at Victor " All I saw was pure streetfighting skills. Not one ounce of her skill was attributed to past martial arts or wrestling experience".

Victor stood up and could sense her wife was getting smart and poke his finger at her chest and said sternly " I dont think you are aware of our outside investors whom without their help none of this would be possible. Now, we all agreed that you would stay beside me and act as not only my finanical advisor but muscle. Well you know honey you couldn't stay put, you were to caught up in the glitz and glamour of our empire that we could have rested easy on. However, since you do exist on this show you are also a viable asset to the Totino family that you perform and excel among the rest. As a matter of fact, I could give two shits if this Linda character is just a streetfighter. Believe me with the amount of heat she just put on out there thats more than enough to turn some heads, yours too if your not careful. Age is just a number, haven't you learned that already".

Victoria slapped his finger away and attempted to walk away but Victor caught her by the arm and pulled her in. Victor began talking behind her in her right ear" Before you leave dont forget to go down to Linda's dressing room and you psycholgically put the fear of god into her. I want you to remind her who is the dominant woman who built up the pillars of our money making machine here and you have her watch your exhibition match. Remember you are on camera, so act like it. Go....get out of my site! "

Victoria shakes her head and makes her way down the staris. Victor shakes his head and sits in the table reaching for his glass of wine muttering "Women" taking a sip awaiting the next match.

The "Vesuvius" Mansion housed 30 guest rooms on the right, left, and middle wings of the house. All rooms came with the standard king sized beds with wooden posts, persian carpeting, a 26 inch HDTV, and a deck with two wooden chairs and a table that overlooked the Pacific Ocean. The bathrooms had gold tiling with a large white jacuzzi and a standard shower next to it. In Linda's guest room, she was wrapped up in a towel while a trained licensed trainer was unwrapping the towel and working on her lower back all the while down to her thighs. Linda sure felt relieved as her body went through a beating and her muscles could use some conditioning before re-entering the ring again.

Linda was just closing her eyes enjoying her brief relaxation as she heard a few knocks on the door. The trainer stopped for a moment and went to the door and opened it a crack. Victoria stook her head out the door "Hey, this is Linda Keegan's room I assume". Linda quickly woke up from her relaxed stated "Yes, this is and who are you?" Victoria smiled fakely "Well, this is Victoria Cromwell I am Director of casting for "Bare Fist" prorgramming. I was told you are in this room"

Linda quickly tied up her bathroom towel to her battered body and went over slowly to the door "What is this about?". Victoria leaned in closer to the door, "Well I dont know if you know but there is a clause in the contract saying that any competitor who makes it through the preliminary round qualifies for the Furious Four 64 Tournament." Linda quickly got excited and went over to open the door. Victoria went inside and Linda lifted her hands in the air" I don't know what to say, I guess I'm just feeling good because I'm on a roll". Victoria nodded her head smiling quickly and then frowned "Good, you should be but remember something Hot Streaks Go Cold".

Linda goes and lies on the side of her bed "What's that supposed to mean?" Victoria moved forward and leaned on the side of the bed looking face to face with her ,'"Don't get cute with me. I think you remember who put this thing together with my husband Victor Cromwell and if I were you I'd give it all now".

Linda pulls herself up from the bed on both arms and says "Why should I? I just told you I'm on a roll and now you said I have a shot to be in the tournament and possibly touring with you guys".

Victoria gets up and slaps Linda across the face and knocks her on the side. Victoria then leans on the bed as Linda is holding her bruised face with her hands , "You remember this not only did I help put this together but that also makes me the star too. Allot of important people rely on me to keep things in line inside the ring. Oooh, you can make your title run baby but sooner or later you'll have to run into me. Let's just say, I have a nasty bite because when I'm in the ring I always act like I'm having a bad day".

Linda motions to the trainer for the remote control lying on the nightstand. The trainer goes over gives the remote control to Victoria. Victoria slowly pulls it off his hand and then hands him a $500 bill ", See to it that she gets enough physical therapy and meds in her. She's going to need it, if there is one thing I hate is a fucking go-getter". Linda then makes her way still standing up on her bed as Victoria throws the remote control as it strikes her chest. Linda groans as she has been hit there plenty throughout the night and picks it up. Victoria crosses her arms and points her finger "If you think I'm being funny tune into channel 3 when you watch my exhibition bout. I dont need no online casting form to prove my credentials, my actions speak for themselves". Victoria walks out the door slamming Linda's door behind her.

The inside of the press box featured a leather couch with two gold lamps on both sides and a tiger rug in the front. Victor Cromwell lets out a big whiff of smoke as he was viewing the action on Fight TV at the bar in front of him which had a 50 inch HDTV and two big brown cupbards which held various liquors and spirits. Victor Cromwell gets up and stretches happily pointing his finger at the TV seeing a stressed look on Linda's face , "How far are you willing to go Linda? My girl is a tiger". Victor looks down at the tiger rug and growls mimicking the tiger and laughs.
 
First: Post this in the Story Feedback forum

Second: Shorter paragraphs. More dialogue.

Third: don't go with second-person, present-tense storytelling.

Good luck. ;)
 
He had spent his early 20’s graduating with a degree in Management and a minor in marketing from Penn U.

Must have been a long ceremony.

--Zoot
 
dr_mabeuse said:
He had spent his early 20’s graduating with a degree in Management and a minor in marketing from Penn U.

Must have been a long ceremony.

--Zoot


<snigger>

seriously though, why not just post the story already and wait for PCs?

x
V
 
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