Please read.

[Guest]

 

[EmeraldKitten]

Wow.
Thanks you guys. So so much.

I just don't know where to start and stop my feelings. They're all flowing together from twenty different directions.
It's silly, but everyone else is worried about Grandpa. Which I am too, but they've talked about holding off on the funeral arrangments to see if he gets any better. I finally said yesterday that I didn't want my dad to rot for a week before we plant him.
It's like I'm more worried about my dad than Grandpa, but he's the one that's still alive.
My brain can't switch gears. Pretty sure there's something wrong with my tranny, lol.

I really appreciate everything you guys have said. More than you know. More than you could ever imagine.

I went through last night and listened to saved voicemails. There were probably 4 or 5 from my dad from the past 2 years. Then I realized that I missed 3 of them on purpose. I deliberately did not answer my phone. Oh my god, to do it over...
I've read the things I've written about him, and it makes me cringe. Now I'm glad that I didn't give him any more of the letters than I did.
It makes me feel bad that I have the poem posted about him. I almost hate it.

*Sigh* So anyway. I get to sit here and wait to hear from my aunt to see when we go to make the arrangements.
Then I have to go cut his hair. I pray to god I can do it.
I want to cut his hair- I shouldn't say I 'have' to. It's the last thing I can do for him.

The hospital had asked my aunt if we wanted an autopsy done. She said it wasn't her place to say, but she didn't think so.
Then yesterday, she found out that they'd went ahead and done it. Apparently when there are illegal drugs involved, they automatically do it..? I don't know. But she's a little pissed off about it.
I don't know how I feel about it... I guess it'll be nice to know for sure.
I just don't want to see his boo boo's when I cut his hair.

Okay, I'm rambling and haven't had coffee yet.
Thank you all again, so much.
*big hugs for each and every one of you guys*

 

[feeeriek]

 

[jomar]

supportive thoughts to you...

 

[cantdog]

 

[Guest]

Sorry for your loss Em.

 

[OhMissScarlett]

 

[buxxxom]

Wrapping you up in a big hug.

 

[EmeraldKitten]

Thank you guys.

I just heard from my stepmom..
Grandpa's doing a little better.. the dyalisis is working.
Whew.

We aren't going to make arrangements until this afternoon.
Looks like I got up for no good reason. *shrugs*


Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

[rgraham666]

More *HUGS* for you, Kitten.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Very Sad, EK.

 

[matriarch]

*hugging you love, just hugging you*

 

[tolyk]

Kitten, I'm sorry for your loss and for the confusion you're going through. You're in my thoughts, and if you ever need someone to speak with, you know how to reach me *HUGS*

Also, best wishes for your grandpa, hope he makes a speedy recovery.

-Tol

 

[MagicaPractica]

 

[Misty_Morning]

 

[Belegon]

wish I could just hold you for awhile dear....and i wish even more that it would do any good....

 

[EmeraldKitten]

Thank you, thank you, thank you all so much.
I know when something like this happens, you think anything you say won't help, won't do any good. And no, it doesn't change the circumstance, but it does make who you're saying it to feel warm and fuzzy inside. I appreciate it muchly.

We went yesterday and made the arrangements.
We're waiting to see how Grandpa does... even if he does get better he won't be able to attend the funeral. That's not the issue. We're waiting to see if he gets worse, and if he would pass also, we'd have a double funeral.

Tenatively, the viewing will be Tuesday, and the funeral Wednesday. If Grandpa gets a lot better today or tomorrow, I'm going to ask that we move my dad's up to Sunday and Monday. I really don't like the thought of him laying there for a week, or for this drawing out for a week.

I was the only one that voiced an opinion of what he should wear.. so they're going with that. My dad's hair was mostly that silvery/gray, even if he was only 43. He had a nice complection, and he looked awesome in this charcoal gray/silvery shirt he had. They're going to look for it... it might not fit, but the funeral director said they could make it fit with our permission to cut the back.

My aunt and I stopped at two charcol colored caskets with silver handles... One was a more metallic-ish and shiney charcoal, so we went with that one.

I picked out the little memorial thing- it's of a garden, with a stone walk and a black wrought iron gate that's open. It's pretty.

Everything is done aside from his grave. He didn't have a plot. We're putting him in the cemetary that Granny is buried in, where Grandpa will be one of these days. But his plot won't be right next to them, but they're going to try to get it as close as possible. That kind of makes me sad, that he'll be off by himself.

I'll cut and style his hair whenever they find him his clothes- I want to do it before they dress him so he won't have hair all over him for all eternity. He'd hate that.

I guess I feel like I got to help him finally.. something I could never do when he was alive.

My mom said yesterday that she felt like my anger was leaving me. I'm sure it will flare up now and again... but being angry at him when he was alive didn't do any good. He was still an addict, and all it did was make me miserable.
Now that he's passed, he won't know I'm mad at him, and all it will do is make me extra miserable. I'm miserable enough on my own.

I think, in a sick twisted way, that yesterday really helped me. Getting to deicde what he'd wear, basically picking out the casket and the little memorial things they put out at the viewings... it let me feel like I'd done something for him... helped him in a way I never could when he was alive.

I'm more just sad for him, that he could never get better.. that he was never able to beat the beast of addiction. What a life he missed.

I asked my mom how I was going to look in the mirror. I look just like him. I have his exact same eyes. When my brow furrows, the line that appears on the left side also appeared on his in the same spot. I have three beauty marks on my arms that were on his also, same spot on the same arm. I have his dark curly hair. Same smile.. the left corner of my mouth turns up a little more than the right, and so did his.
As a matter of fact, I'll probably cry the next time I look at my prom pictures.
I had taken them out there to show him and my stepmom, and he said, "Jesus Christ, you look like me in drag!" Gee, thanks a lot dad, lol.

Okay, anyway, I'm rambling.

I'm being as strong as I can be for now... I'm sure that will crumble when I actually see him. But for now, I'm doing okay.

Thank you all again for the continued support. It means more to me than words could ever express.

 

[rgraham666]

*HUGS* beautiful lady. Sending all the strength and support I can give.

 

[Liar]

Peace to you, and him, and others he left.

 

[EmeraldKitten]

Thanks you guys.

I'm actually going to go to work today... I can't afford to be off.
I don't feel like it at all, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

I'll be leaving early though, we're going to pick out his plot.
The shirt I wanted him buried in- they cant find anywhere.
So I'll be going shopping. I hope I can find something similar.

I think that's about it. Just kinda hanging in limbo, and will be for another 6 days.

Grandpa is stablizied, but isnt much better than that. We'll see.

I've gotta get ready for work... thanks again everyone.

 

[Guest]

 

[fieryjen]

 

[rgraham666]

*HUGS* sweetie. You'll get through this.

 

[Just-Legal]

Love EK. Lots of love.