Please read my story and tell me what you think

[Pigtail_Queen]

Please read my stories and tell me what you think

I'd appreciate it if you would take a gander at my stories and tell me what you think. I have only two posted at the moment but expect to add more. I need your feedback. After all, this is for both our pleasures.

The first is a story of group sex in a fantasy setting
Harem Jewel

The next is a story of voyeurism in a more modern day setting
Sultry Summer Sweat

I hope you enjoy

 

[TabooTeller]

Re: Please read my stories and tell me what you think

I'd appreciate it if you would take a gander at my stories and tell me what you think. I have only two posted at the moment but expect to add more. I need your feedback. After all, this is for both our pleasures.

The first is a story of group sex in a fantasy setting
Harem Jewel

The next is a story of voyeurism in a more modern day setting
Sultry Summer Sweat

I hope you enjoy

I think both stories are well done and hot. Nice set up with both and not sure if I can give any suggestions to make them better. Not that I know a lot that is. The first one maybe the better one but sthe second is close to it.

TabooTeller

 

[Pigtail_Queen]

thank you, for some odd reason i tend to work better in fantasy type setting material I guess. I appreciate your feedback

 

[TabooTeller]

thank you, for some odd reason i tend to work better in fantasy type setting material I guess. I appreciate your feedback

As I said both are good but nothing wrong with fantasy settings.

 

[Jenny _S]

Sultry Summer Sweat

I like this story. It's quite different than the usual. You have a great imaginitve mind.

These are my comments:

I found the beginning of the story a little confusing. In the first several paragraphs you launch into the story but it's not until the fourth paragraph that I find out that this is a story being told by a woman. That wa a little disconcerting.

In addition, your opening paragraph could have been better. You use the work “it” to denote three different things. I think this is confusing.
****************************************************
It's a sultry summer night. Sweat covers my skin in a light sheen. The sun is just setting. The light on the red brick of the motel walls is making it golden. It's a dingy little motel that lovers go to steal a few moments away from work, spouses, reality...
****************************************************
The first “it” refers to the night. The second refers to the sun. The third refers to the motel. I think it would have been clearer if you had written the all-important paragraph as:

“The summer night is sultry. Sweat covers my skin in a slight sheen. The last rays of the setting sun on the red brick of the motel walls appear golden. This is a dingy little motel where lovers go to steal a few moments away from work, spouses, reality…”

The conveys the same meaning, but avoids the stumble of keeping track of the various its.

In paragraph three your write:
****************************************************
I nuzzle her neck gently, it smells sweet and faint, mixed with her body chemistry.
****************************************************
You have a run-on sentence here. The comma should be a period followed by a capitalized It.

In Paragraph four:
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He walks in from the same door we just entered through. His grin is almost identical to hers. Cats caught in the creamery. ****************************************************
I don’t understand this image. Cats caught in the creamery would usually be associated with someone being caught doing something they shouldn’t or something unexpected.

Two sentences from Paragraph six:
****************************************************
Their lips tongue and teeth leaving marks and trails as each inch of flesh is exposed.

Then later in the paragraph -

He massages and kisses her breasts, squeezing them in his large hands, sucking the swollen nipple into his mouth.. it's a sloppy wet sound.
****************************************************
In the first sentence above there is a comma missing between lips and tongue. This is a series expression. They should be separated by commas, ending with an and.
In the second sentence you intended to use an ellipsis, but you only have two periods, not three. Personally I would have used a single period and capitalized the word It’s making the last five words a separate sentence.

In Paragraph Nine:
****************************************************
She turns and kisses him, sharing the taste of her pussy between them, I can see how she's standing, his cock is pressing into her abdomen. They both turn to their side as she slowly slinks down on her knees in front of him.
You have another run-on sentence. The first sentence above should read:
She turns and kisses him, sharing the taste of her pussy between them. I can see how she's standing, his cock is pressing into her abdomen.

In the second sentence above you use the word “slinks”. This word denotes walking like a cat as in “The cat slinks toward the mouse.” I think you meant to say “sinks” meaning moving downward.

There are a few more similar corrections I would make in the last few paragraphs. But I'll let you find the rest.

I like your style. I find it remincent of the Big Easy. Unhurried, yet the sexual content is well described and HOT. The reading is easy and flows with few stumbles. Most of all, after the initial shock of discovering "you" are not part of the coupling the way you tell the story is completely believable.

You images are wonderful, especially for a new writer, and fit your style. You did a good job and I would expect this story to do well in the votes.

Keep up the good work.

Jenny

 

[Jenny _S]

Harem Jewel

Sorry to be so slow, but I did get around to Harem Jewel too.

I like your opening paragraph. I think it sets the tone for the rest of the story, but I do have two comments.
****************************************************
Each woman is beautiful in her own way. Round soft, sleek slender, large - powerful, and eternally graceful, every variety of woman filled the sandstone room this warm, sun burnt dusk.
****************************************************
See the first sentence in the quote above has no verb. By inserting “is” the sentence works. The next sentence you describe “women” in the plural but the word you use is the singular “woman”.

****************************************************
The women of the harem… Smiling knowingly at one another, we knew there were no lonely nights.
****************************************************

In the second paragraph these two sentences are a problem. The first, again has no verb. The second us use the active, present tense verb “Smiling” but the rest of the paragraph is in past tense. The two sentences should read:

“We are the women of the harem… We smiled knowingly at one another, we knew there were no lonely nights.”

In the next paragraph you write:
****************************************************
There were times, we would entertain him. Lick and suckle at each other’s bodies as he chose his favorite. Watch, as he took her in front of us. Envy her as he filled her.
****************************************************

The second sentence here is the problem. First “There were times, “ There should not be a comma there. This is more like a prepositional phrase than anything so a comma is not needed. The next sentence doesn’t have a subject. I assume the subject is “We”. Then the word “Watch” again is in present tense when the rest of the paragraph is in past. Finally there is a logic error. You say, “…as he chose his favorite.” Why would he choose his favorite? Isn’t his favorite always his favorite? I think you are trying to say something like “…as he chose his partner for the evening.” Or something like that.

Skipping down a ways, you write:
****************************************************
Our attendants scurry, and their flight, like a thousand butterflies, signals his arrival. I hear his voice, deep and beautiful. His laugh is thick, slowly seductive, like the velvet night that blankets the earth outside our windows. He is beautiful, and no matter how many times my eyes fall upon him, each time I fall in love anew.
****************************************************
This is a great and powerful paragraph and pretty well done. You did have that funny metaphor in there: “Our attendants scurry, and their flight, like a thousand butterflies, signals his arrival.” The problem with this is that the word order is wrong. It almost seems like the attendants are scurrying like butterflies not fluttering. I would suggest, “Our attendants scurry and flutter about like a thousand butterflies signaling his arrival.” Notice that all the commas are gone too?


The rest of the story is fine. There are a few instances of the same tense errors but not many. None of the errors I found where fatal anyway.

This is another good story. Your writing is clear. Your is style fresh and enjoyable. Like I said before, keep this up and you will be very good indeed.

 

[Pure]

Hi PQ,

I read the voyeur tale and liked it. the grammar, punctuation stuff has been talked about; an editor could fix that. Sentence structures need more variety.

It's nice to see the mix of three people doing things. Very erotic, head over heals sort of feeling. What you the voyer do (to yourself) is a bit too often put at the end of a para, yet when not so, the effect is quite nice, as in

//She's sucking deeper now, taking his cock all the way down to the base. My cream is spilling out onto my fingers and down my ass as I keep pace with the strokes of her mouth on him. I pinch my clit which draws a gasp from both him and myself. She is swallows around him, moaning to vibrate her throat around his stiff cock, then sucks all the way off his cock until it pops and bobs out of her mouth. We all exchange guilty grins as she continues to lick at his balls teasingly. //

It's quite hot overall. Possibly, from my vantage point, a little less interaction would have been sexier, e.g.,voyeur blowing kisses (or is it the other way around). And the last sentence of the quotation. Indeed other variants have potential, i.e, suppose only one of them knows of being watched?

Oddly, the climax scene is not quite so hot as the lead up; it's the old author's problem of getting beyond convulsions, strikes of lightning, waves of ocean that sweep you away, etc.

I agree with Jenny that with practice and feedback, given your present abilities, there is fine potential.

Best,
J.

 

[Pure]

Well, I don't see Miss PQ around. Guess these free critiques are, as the saying goes--for her--"worth what you pay for 'em."

 

[Pigtail_Queen]

no no, I appreciate your feedback and help, believe me I do. I'm sorry that it's taking me so long to respond. I've gone back to grad school and am currently trying to catch up on my reading for classes. I haven't been online much. Thanks for your post. When I have time I will be writing another story and I'll be more careful with the way I use my words.
thanks everyone,
PQ

 

[TabooTeller]

no no, I appreciate your feedback and help, believe me I do. I'm sorry that it's taking me so long to respond. I've gone back to grad school and am currently trying to catch up on my reading for classes. I haven't been online much. Thanks for your post. When I have time I will be writing another story and I'll be more careful with the way I use my words.
thanks everyone,
PQ

I will add something I thought of recently. I have not read all of everyone's comments so I don't know if this has been suggetsed yet but I think you could a whole series of stories set in the harem. If they are as good as this one they would get read.

 

[Pigtail_Queen]

There's something to think about. I think that I've always found harems to be fascinating. Thank you for the idea.

 

[TabooTeller]

There's something to think about. I think that I've always found harems to be fascinating. Thank you for the idea.

well, I like sequels, I keep writing to writers and telling them to do sequels, esp. for certain stories I think need one. Such as "Accidental Fantasy" which now has one and Susan, by K.K. which doesn't. Two have, I don't know if it was because of my suggestion but I will say it as I see fit and yours, even though it doesn't need one, would be neat if it did. Not to mention erotic.

TT
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=106824