Please read my poetry and tell me what you really think!

Well What did you think of my poem?

  • Decent but could improve

    Votes: 3 60.0%
  • not bad

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Good but scary and dark

    Votes: 1 20.0%
  • Personal response

    Votes: 2 40.0%

  • Total voters
    5

Nob Gobblyn

Virgin
Joined
Feb 13, 2002
Posts
8
The Pike
He was clawing at her, thrusting himself upon her.
He grabbed at her skin as if he wanted to rip her to the bone.

She was reeling inside, the pleasure, the weight
on her waist and the smooth thrusting that made her quiver inside.

She felt the tension in her thighs, the tingling deep inside
telling her that she would soon ride that amythest plane to extasy.

Suddenly, it wasnt pleasure, she felt almost numb~
Who was screaming?
It was her!
The more she listened to the screams
the closer she came to the excrutiation of it.

She bucked her body under his brutal thrusts,
slapping wildly behind her.
She made contact and with all her might
she dug her nails into the fleshy arm.

The disgusting intimate intrusion into her body
was as if she were being speared by a pike ..
to her shoulders....through her neck...
.into her head, scrambling her brains.

Twisting her arm behind her then
shoving her shoulders into the tears
and spittle she had already screamed out.

He grabs her hair and presses her face
into the mattress with such force,
she feels the cartiledge in her nose dislodge.

No one can hear you she screams into her mind.
Submit. Submit and perhaps live.
She becomes limp and she can feel the heat
of his breath on her as he hisses
...thats right baby...ooooh you just love it dont you?

She can feel herself being ripped inside and out.
The small familiar child comes to her surface
and curls into a ball.
Submitting to the abuse like a good girl should,
waiting, waiting for a private moment
to uncurl, wash, pray
and maybe if she's lucky
this time, cry.





:confused: What do ya think? ...Nobbie...:kiss:
 
I found the content to be disturbing. There are some spelling and punctuation errors.

I do think this part is well-written:

The small familiar child comes to her surface
and curls into a ball.
Submitting to the abuse like a good girl should,
waiting, waiting for a private moment
to uncurl, wash, pray
and maybe if she's lucky
this time, cry.

This one part has a lot of emotional impact. The rest of the poem describes a horrible scene, but this one stanza let's the reader see more.

Is the attached picture you?

M.P.
 
I love dark poetry and this one has great potential.

For me, this poem didn't flow smoothly. The redundant repetition of some of the words didn't help the ride.

For example:

You wrote
He was clawing at her, thrusting himself upon her.
He grabbed at her skin as if he wanted to rip her to the bone.


I would write...

He clawed, thrusting himself upon her,
grabbing her skin as if to rip her to the bone.


I'm not saying how I would do it is more right than they way you did it, (Heaven knows I am the last one who should be editing anyone :rolleyes: haha) it just flows better without all the small words (pebbles) in the way.

See what you can do with the words SHE & HER. They are needed in a few places but can be left out of most.

If you decide to rework it, I would love to see your finished product. :)

Sk~
 
It feels fragmented.

As SK said, it doesn't seem to have a flow and yes, there are grammar, spelling and punctuation errors that make it a difficult read.

The theme is a good one and the progression is well thought out. It is disturbing, but a poem about rape and abuse should be disturbing .

Sometimes it isn't clear who the subject of the sentence is. When I read it again, I realize who is doing what, but that isn't how I want to read a poem.

Please, share it with us as a finished product.

Keep writing! :)
 
Here are the most obvious errors. There are some other more subtle things--phrases modifying the wrong noun, stuff like that, but I"m sick and don't feel like explaining them.


The Pike
He was clawing at her, thrusting himself upon her.
He grabbed at her skin as if he wanted to rip her to the bone.

She was reeling inside, the pleasure, the weight
on her waist and the smooth thrusting that made her quiver inside.

She felt the tension in her thighs, the tingling deep inside
telling her that she would soon ride that amethyst plane to ecstasy.

Suddenly, it wasn't pleasure, she felt almost numb~
Who was screaming?
It was her!
The more she listened to the screams
the closer she came to the excrutiation of it.

no such word as excrutiation

She bucked her body under his brutal thrusts,
slapping wildly behind her.
She made contact and with all her might
she dug her nails into the fleshy arm.

The disgusting intimate intrusion into her body
was as if she were being speared by a pike ..
to her shoulders....through her neck...
.into her head, scrambling her brains.

You must use three dots, or four, which is an ellipsis and a period.

Twisting her arm behind her then
shoving her shoulders into the tears
and spittle she had already screamed out.

He grabs her hair and presses her face
into the mattress with such force,
she feels the cartiledge in her nose dislodge.

cartilage

No one can hear you she screams into her mind.
Submit. Submit and perhaps live.
She becomes limp and she can feel the heat
of his breath on her as he hisses
...thats right baby...ooooh you just love it dont you?

You might consider using quotation marks or italics to indicate actual speech. :)

She can feel herself being ripped inside and out.
The small familiar child comes to her surface
and curls into a ball.
Submitting to the abuse like a good girl should,
waiting, waiting for a private moment
to uncurl, wash, pray
and maybe if she's lucky
this time, cry.
 
Very Interesting

Intruiging poem, Nob Gobblyn. You explore the inner contradictions of sexuality quite thoroughly.
 
It was just misspelled is all...

ex·cru·ci·ate Pronunciation Key (k-skrsh-t)
tr.v. ex·cru·ci·at·ed, ex·cru·ci·at·ing, ex·cru·ci·ates
To inflict severe pain on; torture.
To inflict great mental distress on.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Latin excrucire, excrucit- : ex-, intensive pref.; see ex- + crucire, to crucify, torture (from crux, cruc-, cross).]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ex·cruci·ation n.

Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

excruciation

\Ex*cru`ci*a"tion\n. [L. excruciatio.] The act of inflicting agonizing pain, or the state of being thus afflicted; that which excruciates; torture. --Feltham.
Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.
 
Thank you everyone!!

Thanks so very much for the incredible feed back I am getting on this poem. I seem to have the inspiration and the thought attempting to be explained clear but I failed every english course Ive taken. I dont understand why but it just wont stick!
Again thank you and keep it coming!!

Nobbikins...:kiss:




The attached photo is one of my creations.
Its entitled " The Simplicity Of Touch" .
I enjoyed working with the models and appreciate
thier supportive attitudes for this study and series.
Kat Mandeaux
 
Your Opinion Please... " Talons"

Her Talons extended ,
a sense of alarm
smothers her instincts.
She circles the sky,
searching, straining to see
a safe place to land
and rest her weary wings.
A chance to rest her overwhelmed
senses and urges.
A quiet place to hold her children
and her thoughts just for a moment,
a rare moment.


Well what do you think of this one?? I love this feedback Im getting....so much usefull information without being negative!! Thanks!!.......
So...whaddya think? :confused:

Love Nobbikins :kiss:
 
what i think

Nob--

I think you need to contribute and stop taking. Post a link to your work in a thread. Then get busy giving sumptin' to this community. Comment to somebody's else work and threads.

You want feedback post your masterpiece to the Critique thread and to the site.

That's what I think.

Jazzy2
 
Nob Gobblyn is new......give her a chance!

Jazzy2 said:
Nob--
I think you need to contribute and stop taking. Post a link to your
work in a thread. Then get busy giving sumptin' to this community.
Comment to somebody's else work and threads.
You want feedback post your masterpiece to the Critique thread
and to the site.
That's what I think.
Jazzy2


Jazzy,
I hear what you are saying, but Nob is new here and perhaps
just wanted feedback from us before posting for real so everyone
else can read and give feedback. Give her a chance....I just
checked her profile and only has one poem up there....once she is
more familiar with "the ways" of the poetry board, then I think she
will contribute back.......don't friggin scare off the poor girl!

tigerjen
 
Wow...give a Broad a Break!

I am very new to this site. Im not expert to the " ways of the site" perhaps you could give me some advice on how to effectively use this site.

Nobbie:kiss:
 
Nobbie......

Nob Gobblyn said:
I am very new to this site. Im not expert to
the " ways of the site" perhaps you could give me
some advice on how to effectively use this site.

Nobbie:kiss:


Nobbie....
I was defending where you're coming from......but
I can give you some advice on how to effectively
use the site :)

Self-promotion can be a good thing, but don't overdo it.
What I've done in the past is if I posted a new poem
up, I would send an email to friends inviting them to
read it, give feedback, and vote. (just an example)

On the threads here........check them out at your leisure,
offer your input, speak your opinion, give your feedback.
Participating also gives us poets to get to know you
better :)

Reading other's poems and giving them feedback will
raise your chances of them possibly reading your work,
and giving you feedback in return.

I know what I just said is icing on the cake, but I hope
it helps you out. Any questions, suggestions etc. feel free
to ask me or any of the poets here.

I, for one, welcome you here to the poetry community here on
Literotica.

:rose:
tigerjen
 
Jazzy2

It's like company vs family. Nob is company right now. We serve her a drink. We're polite. After she becomes family she can get her own damn beer! :D
Jazzy get your feet off the coffee table! tigerjen stop leaving your dirty socks on the floor!
Damn family!

MP
 
MP....what socks?

Masked Poet said:
It's like company vs family. Nob is company right now. We
serve her a drink. We're polite. After she becomes family she
can get her own damn beer! :D
Jazzy get your feet off the coffee table! tigerjen stop leaving
your dirty socks on the floor!
Damn family!

MP...what socks? :D

I do have a black satin bra on the floor :devil:

tigerjen
 
Masked Poet said:

So do I! Uh oh... my little secret is out...
By the way, do you know where I can get a
size 14 in a black pump?

Hmmmmm I don't know ;)

Now let's back to the subject of this thread, hmmmm? :D
 
Hey...dont change the subject...

Please dont change the subject...I dont mind at all...I love to see such a sweet couple fuss like that ...cause its always so neat to see them fuck and make up ...
ROTFL

Nobbikiins
 
Back
Top