Please provide feedback for my noncon series

[WCSGarland]

I've finished my noncon series Talia's Legacy

Please read and provide feedback. I'm trying to decide if I should write a prologue and/or an epilogue story. Thanks in advance.

 

[NuclearFairy]

Looks like good bedtime story material. It might take me a while to get to the end but I'll try to leave feedback as I go.

 

[Gamblnluck]

The first thing that put me off was the lack of chapter numbers. It is obviously a series. So what you are asking is for new readers to start at the beginning.
I am assuming the order of publication is your way for a reader to keep the story in order. (Better to number chapters). In a case like this, the comments left behind the story will tell you more.
You will find readership numbers will drop the further the story goes, but those who are enjoying it will continue. It is daunting to start a long serie

 

[WCSGarland]

Oddly enough... the last 4 chapters show more views than the first 4

Talia's Fortune 10/13/2024 2068
Talia's Misfortune 10/27/2024 1356
Talia's Premonition 11/01/2024 1146
Talia's Vision 11/11/2024 1247
Chance's Fortune 11/25/2024 2296
Chance's Misfortune 12/12/2024 2342
Chance's Premonition 01/03/2025 2528
Chance's Vision 01/14/2025 5533

I don't think that can be explained by a lack of chapter numbers.

Coincidentally, I find the use of chapter numbers annoying. It doesn't necessarily keep me from reading a series, but it just strikes me as less creative.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

Oddly enough... the last 4 chapters show more views than the first 4

Talia's Fortune 10/13/2024 2068
Talia's Misfortune 10/27/2024 1356
Talia's Premonition 11/01/2024 1146
Talia's Vision 11/11/2024 1247
Chance's Fortune 11/25/2024 2296
Chance's Misfortune 12/12/2024 2342
Chance's Premonition 01/03/2025 2528
Chance's Vision 01/14/2025 5533

I don't think that can be explained by a lack of chapter numbers.

Coincidentally, I find the use of chapter numbers annoying. It doesn't necessarily keep me from reading a series, but it just strikes me as less creative.

I admit I'm particularly aggravated by all power sockets looking the same. Zero creativity! That's sad! Pathetic! Every power socket should look different, with a varying number of holes. Say, in the 0 to 100 range.

 

[WCSGarland]

I admit I'm particularly aggravated by all power sockets looking the same. Zero creativity! That's sad! Pathetic! Every power socket should look different, with a varying number of holes. Say, in the 0 to 100 range.

Standardization has a good place in manufacture of useful goods and appliances. Not nearly so much for the creative arts. But then again, maybe you prefer a plethora of vampire stories using all the same tropes used in all the other monster stories. Whatever floats your boat.

 

[Gamblnluck]

I don't think that can be explained by a lack of chapter numbers.

Coincidentally, I find the use of chapter numbers annoying. It doesn't necessarily keep me from reading a series, but it just strikes me as less creative.

I speak from experience from writing a 36 and now in hitting the 54 chapter mark in two series. (And my chapter size is not small-averaging 11 to 12K) You get readers who follow. New readers are far less common. But you also have to remember that views are not reads. How many started a story they thought was a standalone only to find it was not and then looked at the last one wondering if that would provide the background. nope not there either. Ahh, this is a series with varying titles....

Listing chapters by number makes it easier for the reader. If he sees ch 10, he might begin there to see if he likes it then goes back to beginning and reads it. I've read several series that way.

 

[WCSGarland]

I speak from experience from writing a 36 and now in hitting the 54 chapter mark in two series. (And my chapter size is not small-averaging 11 to 12K) You get readers who follow. New readers are far less common. But you also have to remember that views are not reads. How many started a story they thought was a standalone only to find it was not and then looked at the last one wondering if that would provide the background. nope not there either. Ahh, this is a series with varying titles....

Listing chapters by number makes it easier for the reader. If he sees ch 10, he might begin there to see if he likes it then goes back to beginning and reads it. I've read several series that way.

Well, as I was hoping for a review of the actual content of my stories and you chose to tell my why you would not do so, thanks, I think, for the marginally helpful review.

 

[Gamblnluck]

Well, as I was hoping for a review of the actual content of my stories and you chose to tell my why you would not do so, thanks, I think, for the marginally helpful review.

Not at all. I fully intend to begin to read your series. I just needed to know the starting point. Asking to give a review when in the middle of a series is a daunting task. But I will.

 

[WCSGarland]

The series is completed, and they are listed in order on the series info page. There is also a helpful link near the end of the chapter for the next part.

 

[countdowntolov3]

I read Talia's Fortune. Here's some feedback.

Within the first couple paragraphs you shift between present and past tense. As far as I can tell this isn't for effect. It's jarring and will put many readers off because it suggests the rest of the story won't be carefully edited either.

The dialogue mostly didn't land for me. I suspect the major thing working against you here is that you're trying to use the dialogue to convey information when you'd be better off trying to convey feelings. But I could be wrong. I'm not in your head. Let me just throw an example out and see if it resonates...

The characters are all very direct and explicit with each other. Chance and Talia, when discussing the letter, basically each lay all their cards on the table in efficient bullet pointed lists.

A bit of color drained from her face, but she explained, "I had a premonition of that address... no, name, just that address, and that somebody living there would force themselves upon me. I have already spoken to the police about this. I would advise you to leave here now. You are no longer welcome."

Chance didn't move and gazed steadily at her with one brow raised, "Premonition, or self-fulfilling prophecy? I had no knowledge of you prior to receiving your mail. So I wanted to find out if you are a one woman pre-crime unit. Tell me more about this premonition."

This is made more egregious my our first look into Talia's head where she thinks about Chance, "He's being cagey this one." Is he really?

The characters also have ways of speaking that appear as one-offs. By which I mean, they seem out of place.

As an example, Talia introduces herself to Chance with a Princess Bride reference. Which is unusual, and initially had me intrigued, but she doesn't make any more movie references, or show a particular fondness for that roundabout way of speaking as the story goes on. So eventually my intrigue faded and was replaced with this sense that it wasn't Talia who made that reference, but a passing idea the author had.

Another example is Chance using the phrase "tee-a-tee", which seemed very circumspect and demure for a character who had otherwise been... not.

The pacing also felt off to me. You write...

Suddenly he paralyzed her solar plexus with a quick jab to the midriff, causing her legs to collapse while she fought her spastic muscles to get her breath back.

...and then move right along. It's just one sentence in the middle of a paragraph of other action. But for Talia, our POV character, she's just been punched! Doesn't that deserve some unpacking?

Here's some advice that makes sense to me: When your story has a beat, consider starting a new paragraph there, with the beat as the ending sentence of the previous paragraph, or the opening of the new one.

(I'm sorry but I can't resist also saying that I find it a little icky that the story doesn't take him punching her seriously. For me, personally, that falls in the category: either treat it with the serious it deserves, or remove it. And, I know, I know, you could say that about the entire genre this story's in, but the thing is, I feel like the story and kink still works without this added level of casualized, utilitarian, violence... Okay, so now I'm re-reading this little sub-rant and trying to decide if I should leave it in. On one hand, I don't want to come here and attack you for writing non-con. It's not like you weren't clear about that. And I respect your right to write it. But I'm going to leave this in. Because, I dunno, I think maybe it's a viewpoint you might not have considered. Take it for what it is.)

Well, this feedback is overstaying itself, isn't it? I'll end with some stuff I liked.

Talia's reply sounds a little bit irritated, "Who schedules a parent-teacher conference for a Friday evening?"

"The teachers..."

That made me laugh.

The central conceit is really clever. The question of Talia's real motivation, given her premonitions, is an interesting one and dovetails interestingly with the "deep down she wants it" genre trope.

I liked the way you reigned in the actual content of the initial "sex" scene without being too coy with it. Talia's fervent thoughts worked well there. Seems a good way to manage the first chapter.

So, yeah. There's my feedback. Hope it's helpful. Don't forget it's just one person's opinion.

 

[WCSGarland]

I read Talia's Fortune. Here's some feedback.

Within the first couple paragraphs you shift between present and past tense. As far as I can tell this isn't for effect. It's jarring and will put many readers off because it suggests the rest of the story won't be carefully edited either.

The dialogue mostly didn't land for me. I suspect the major thing working against you here is that you're trying to use the dialogue to convey information when you'd be better off trying to convey feelings. But I could be wrong. I'm not in your head. Let me just throw an example out and see if it resonates...

The characters are all very direct and explicit with each other. Chance and Talia, when discussing the letter, basically each lay all their cards on the table in efficient bullet pointed lists.



This is made more egregious my our first look into Talia's head where she thinks about Chance, "He's being cagey this one." Is he really?

The characters also have ways of speaking that appear as one-offs. By which I mean, they seem out of place.

As an example, Talia introduces herself to Chance with a Princess Bride reference. Which is unusual, and initially had me intrigued, but she doesn't make any more movie references, or show a particular fondness for that roundabout way of speaking as the story goes on. So eventually my intrigue faded and was replaced with this sense that it wasn't Talia who made that reference, but a passing idea the author had.

Another example is Chance using the phrase "tee-a-tee", which seemed very circumspect and demure for a character who had otherwise been... not.

The pacing also felt off to me. You write...

...and then move right along. It's just one sentence in the middle of a paragraph of other action. But for Talia, our POV character, she's just been punched! Doesn't that deserve some unpacking?

Here's some advice that makes sense to me: When your story has a beat, consider starting a new paragraph there, with the beat as the ending sentence of the previous paragraph, or the opening of the new one.

(I'm sorry but I can't resist also saying that I find it a little icky that the story doesn't take him punching her seriously. For me, personally, that falls in the category: either treat it with the serious it deserves, or remove it. And, I know, I know, you could say that about the entire genre this story's in, but the thing is, I feel like the story and kink still works without this added level of casualized, utilitarian, violence... Okay, so now I'm re-reading this little sub-rant and trying to decide if I should leave it in. On one hand, I don't want to come here and attack you for writing non-con. It's not like you weren't clear about that. And I respect your right to write it. But I'm going to leave this in. Because, I dunno, I think maybe it's a viewpoint you might not have considered. Take it for what it is.)

Well, this feedback is overstaying itself, isn't it? I'll end with some stuff I liked.


That made me laugh.

The central conceit is really clever. The question of Talia's real motivation, given her premonitions, is an interesting one and dovetails interestingly with the "deep down she wants it" genre trope.

I liked the way you reigned in the actual content of the initial "sex" scene without being too coy with it. Talia's fervent thoughts worked well there. Seems a good way to manage the first chapter.

So, yeah. There's my feedback. Hope it's helpful. Don't forget it's just one person's opinion.

Thank you for your in depth analysis and feedback of the first chapter in my series. It is much appreciated. I knew before I asked for feedback that the first chapter was all over the place in some respects and could use a serious rewrite which I plan to do someday. It was my initial story being published here, and I had not written much for a few years before deciding to try my hand at it again. It was experimental, and exploratory and I wanted to jump in with all the ideas rambling around in my head. I think that as I went along with the series I was better able to tighten up my story and narration. If it has not been too off-putting, I hope you will read the rest and perhaps offer feedback.