Please help with...

[Princess_Pleaseyou]

i have a short essay i want read its not sexual but I am a soon to be college student and need this read by someone i need feedback please help a girl out...

thanks

 

[SweetErika]

If you tell us the assignment/topic, and post it here, I'm sure someone will give you feedback.

 

[Princess_Pleaseyou]

it still needs alot of work and this is just a fast type up of it but in the future I want to become an addiction conselor and this is an essay about why...

From as far back as I can remember my mother has been struggling with being addicted to Crack Cocaine. I don't remember a time in my life when my mom was not on it. My parents were always fighting about it. It was a way of life for me and three siblings.
I didn't even know what drugs were when my mom first started using. All I knew was my mom slept a lot. But how was I to know that mothers weren't supposed to sleep all day? Letting her four children walk on the roof while she is passed out in her room. I remember one particular time when my youngest brother Nick (who at the time was three years old) wanted to walk to the corner store to buy a lollipop. He woke my mom up to ask her for twenty-five cents. My mom, barely awake told him she had some change in her jean pockets. What was odd now that I look back was the Asian owner knew us all by name. He was like an uncle to us we even gave him the name Mr. Lee.
You might be wondering where was my father when all this was going on? He was at work and many times had to come home early due to phone calls he would get from the neighbors. I can't even start to imagen what its like to get phone calls from someone to inform you that while your away at work to earn money for you family your kids are on the roof , or playing sword fights with real knives while your wife is a sleep in her locked bedroom. I'm not saying my mother didn't love us and she still does to this day in her own way she loves us very deeply. She just didn't get the help she needs soon enough and waited in till years after losing her kids to try and seek help. I believe that because my father wouldn't let her see us on a regular basis that helped drive her to failure.
I am not saying you should feel sorry for me, as a matter of fact I don't want your pity. It wasn't in till about the seventh grade that I realized not all family's go through what I did as a kid. The constant arguing , sometimes my dad would fight with my mom to get the little bags of white powder away from her so he could flush it down the toilet. It was "normal" to us kids. Or so I thought before I started to go into the real world.
People wonder why after 15 years of drugs ruining my younger days why would I want to deal with more drug addicts. I want to help other family's and give children what I never had, a father and mother working together to give their kids a better life. Beating the disease of addiction isn't easy it takes hard work to give up whatever addiction you may have. Addiction is all same ranging from gambling to crystal meth. It takes away from the life you are trying to live. I want to be that person addicts can talk to, get advice from, I want to be their friend. I want to help cure the world of addiction one person at a time.

 

[SweetErika]

it still needs alot of work and this is just a fast type up of it but in the future I want to become an addiction conselor and this is an essay about why...

Okay, I think it has a lot of really great concepts, but the mechanics need some work, as I'm sure you know.

A few things you can do to improve it:
1) Don't talk to the reader (so, no "you may be wondering..." and the like). With the exception of a very few types of writing, doing so is almost never a good idea.

2) Make sure your spelling and grammar are correct. Watch it's/its, there/their/they're and other homonyms. It's "imagine" and "until."

3) You need some work on punctuation. Read it out loud, and insert commas where you naturally pause, or insert a little explanation. Put question marks where you ask questions. Learn how to use semicolons, and make sure you don't have run-on sentences.

4) There are a few sentences in here that sound like you were going for one idea, then lost track and skipped to another.

I know it's not the clearest way to do it, but I didn't feel like spending vast amounts of time on formatting codes, so I put some suggested changes in CAPITAL LETTERS. Let me know if they're confusing, and I'll explain.

Otherwise, best of luck with college and your career. It's wonderful you're turning your personal hardship into something positive, instead of wallowing in it or falling into the same pattern, as so many do.

From as far back as I can rememberCOMMA my mother has been struggling with being addicted to Crack Cocaine. I don't remember a time in my life when my mom was not on it. My parents were always fighting about it. It was a way of life for me and three siblings.

I didn't even know what drugs were when my mom first started using. All I knew was my mom slept a lotSEMICOLON how was I to know that mothers weren't supposed to sleep all day? Letting her four children walk on the roof while she is passed out in her room.INCOMPLETE SENTENCE I remember one particular time when my youngest brotherCOMMA Nick (who at the time was three years old)COMMA wanted to walk to the corner store to buy a lollipop. He woke my mom up to ask her for twenty-five cents. My mom, barely awakeCOMMA told him she had some change in her jean pockets. What was odd now that I look back was the Asian owner knew us all by name. He was like an uncle to us we even gave him the name Mr. Lee. SEE HOW YOU SWITCH THOUGHTS IN THESE LAST FEW SENTENCES? WHERE WERE YOU GOING WITH THE IDEA ABOUT NICK GOING TO THE STORE? WHAT DOES CALLING THE OWNER MR. LEE HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

You might be wondering where was my father when all this was going on?THIS DOESN'T NEED TO BE A QUESTION, NOR DO YOU NEED THIS SENTENCE AT ALL; JUST TELL US WHERE YOUR DAD WAS. He was at work and many times had to come home early due to phone calls he would get from the neighbors. ABOUT YOU BEING NEGLECTED? I can't even start to imagen SP. what its SP. like to get phone calls from someone to inform you that while your SP. away at work to earn money for you SP. family your kids are on the roof, or playing sword fights with real knivesCOMMA while your wife is a sleep in her locked bedroom.

I'm not saying my mother didn't love us and she still does to this day in her own way she loves us very deeply.THIS IS CONFUSING She just didn't get the help she needsNEEDED soon enoughCOMMA and waited in tillSP. years after losing her kids to try and seek help. I believe that because my father wouldn't let her see us on a regular basis that helped drive her to failure. CONFUSING - ARE YOU BLAMING YOUR DAD? MAYBE YOUR MOM JUST DIDN'T REALLY WANT THE HELP, OR SHE WAS COVERING THE PAIN OF LOSING CUSTODY OF HER KIDS AND HER OTHER PROBLEMS BY CONTINUING TO USE?

I am not saying you should feel sorry for me, as a matter of fact I don't want your pity. I DON'T THINK THIS IS NECESSARY AT ALL - I MEAN, YEAH, IT'S A SHAME, BUT YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY OVERCOMING IT, WHICH DOESN'T WARRANT PITY It wasn't in till about the seventh grade that I realized not all family'sSP. go through what I did as a kid. The constant arguing , sometimes my dad would fight with my mom to get the little bags of white powder away from her so he could flush it down the toilet. It was "normal" to us kids. YOU CAN COMBINE THESE TWO SENTENCES WITH COMMAS OR A SEMICOLON Or so I thought before I started to goENTERED into the real world.

People wonder why after 15FIFTEEN years of drugs ruining my younger days why would I want to deal with more drug addicts. I want to help other family'sSP. and give children what I never had, a father and mother working together to give their kids a better life. Beating the disease of addiction isn't easyCOMMA it takes hard work to give up whatever addiction youONE may have. Addiction is all THE sameSEMICOLON ranging from gambling to crystal methCOMMA It takes away from the life you are trying to live. I want to be that person addicts can talk to, get advice from, I want to be their friend. I want to help cure the world of addiction one person at a time.

 

[Princess_Pleaseyou]

thanks sweety... ur comments made perfect since to me and yes i know my puncuation and spelling need work hehe

 

[HappilyM]

Read it backwards

This is a trick I learned in college. Read the last sentence out loud. Then the next sentence, keep going till you have read the whole thing. If each sentence makes sense on it's own, then it is good. Try to refrain from using "it".
A quick writer's desk reference is an idea. I have 2 of them. They can help you with the their, there, its, it's ect.
Not a bad piece, just needs some revising.

 

[Princess_Pleaseyou]

hey there!
thanks for the comment!!!
In the beginning I thought it was good but I am not so sure anymore. The more I read it the more I think "i should rewrite the whole thing" ha

This is a trick I learned in college. Read the last sentence out loud. Then the next sentence, keep going till you have read the whole thing. If each sentence makes sense on it's own, then it is good. Try to refrain from using "it".
A quick writer's desk reference is an idea. I have 2 of them. They can help you with the their, there, its, it's ect.
Not a bad piece, just needs some revising.

 

[SweetErika]

hey there!
thanks for the comment!!!
In the beginning I thought it was good but I am not so sure anymore. The more I read it the more I think "i should rewrite the whole thing" ha

It IS very good. The hardest part is the concepts, and you have those down, for sure. I'm a very tough, honest critic, and if I wouldn't say it was good if it wasn't.

Yeah, it needs some polishing up, but EVERY piece of writing needs that. See that story in my sig line? It's been very well-received, but only because it went through many, many revisions. Just like yours, the foundation was there, but it needed to be refined until it reached its full potential.

The other thing that's helped me is looking at every mistake and problem as an opportunity to learn and improve as a writer. When I wasn't quite sure on how to use semicolons, for instance, I looked up the rules and examples online, then practiced using them any time it was appropriate. Now it's just another tool in my bag of tricks to pull out when I'm writing, and my work is a lot better for the time I spent learning. It seems overwhelming and discouraging, I know, but take it a skill at a time, and you'll see results in short order.