Please help me write better

Just took a quick look at "Whose House".

There is a beauty in monotony, especially after a very wild ride. Monotony is like a lighthouse in the rough seas, that gives us hope that there is a shore, there is normalcy. The rhythmic humming of the ceiling fan gave Geetha this comfort.
The first few lines are f-ing brilliant. Absolutely loved it.

What can make it better?

After that spectacular intro, you dive right into doling out facts, like heights, ages, cup sizes. This is what a lot of "writing howto" sites call an info dump. Try giving us things more slowly or implying them. How about: "Geetha towered over Jyothi, just like she towered over her husband..." You can let us know she's taller than average without coming right out and giving us measurements.

You may also want to break up your paragraphs, keeping them shorter. It's said this makes stories less intimidating to read.

And make it a lesbian story with Geetha and Jyothi and kick the boys to the curb. But that's just me.
 
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Just took a quick look at "Whose House".


The first few lines are f-ing brilliant. Absolutely loved it.

What can make it better?

After that spectacular intro, you dive right into doling out facts, like heights, ages, cup sizes. This is what a lot of "writing howto" sites call an info dump. Try giving us things more slowly or implying them. How about: "Geetha towered over Jyothi, just like she towered over her husband..." You can let us know she's taller than average without coming right out and giving us measurements.

You may also want to break up your paragraphs, keeping them shorter. It's said this makes stories less intimidating to read.

And make it a lesbian story with Geetha and Jyothi and kick the boys to the curb. But that's just me.
Awesome, I loved that info dump byte. Thank you!
 
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