Please give a newbie some feedback?

[pocket_pet]

My story has been posted for a couple weeks now, but there isn't a comment on it yet. I posted it in hopes of getting feedback, so now I am begging it from ya'll.

The name of the story is Cemetery Night, my user name is pocket_pet, it is posted in the BDSM catagory. http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=205817

I have a couple more stories I am working on, but am not sure if I should up-load them or not. I am pretty critical with my own work, but aren't we all? Contructive feedback may give me a couple ideas on how to improve what I am writing now. I really hope so

Thanks!

 

[Typo Fu Master]

BSDM is not normally a category I read, but I'll give you my opinion of the story. Not too shabby!

In the first paragraph, you start out in past tense, then after the first two sentences, switch to present tense. This is a minor thing, but you might want to be aware of it.

Other than that I found little to criticize. I think there was one typo. I was curious about the use of the word "Daddy." Is this an incest story, or was "Daddy" just a pet nickname? I couldn't tell from the context in the story, but it gave me the impression it was supposed to be her father. I'm not sure what you intended, but that's the impression I got.

I really liiked the ending. Nice twist! I kind of suspected it was someone other than who she planned to be with, but it was still surprising to find out it wasn't her intended partner.

 

[susurrus]

Not bad at all. I really liked the "Wednesday Addams, gothic schoolgirl" image when she was getting ready. The thought of her just wearing a short dress and nothing else was good, too. What was particularly good, is that you pointed out that when she received her orders, she really didn't want to do what she's told, but like a good sub, she does so anyway, realizing that despite her initial weariness and inward protest, that it's a turn on once she wraps her mind around the idea.

I think one of the things that's maybe weirding out some of your readers on this one is the setting for the scene. Yeah, I found it a little creepy, meeting at the cemetary, but hey, what the hell.

I'm not one for liking knives involved with any kind of sex scenes, but that's my own hangup. From the fact that he sliced up her shoes and stockings, apparently that was more clothing than she'd been allowed to wear. From how quickly the unseen "attacker" got hard again after shooting in her mouth to fuck her ass, I wondered if maybe there wasn't more than one guy there.

And of course, there's the mind-fuck at the end, where she doesn't know if it was her master who took her so roughly or someone else. Nice touch.

So, please, write more. Whatever errors there were, were minor and easily overcome. I'm sure you could find an editor to help with such things. I help out a small handful of other writers, and Lit has a volunteer editor deal, so all you have to do is ask...

Good luck, and thanks for this one.

Susurrus

 

[Teela]

I'm afraid this type of story really isn't my thing, but I did like a couple things you did. I liked the way you foreshadowed some of the sexual activity very quickly and simply near the start of the story - I can relate to those little flashes of memory that are so arousing. And I liked the way you left the twist at the end ambiguous.

Couple of very small nitpicks. "Man-made" is hyphenated. And the stockings sort of came out of nowhere. I had the impression she was wearing only the dress.

Teela

 

[Singularity]

Some Ideas To Work On

I write mostly BDSM material so this kind of story represents my kind of subject.

For me, though, while the mechanics of the writing is pretty goo, the story came across as somewhat "flat" for me. Here's why:

The story is written as a first-person "I-You" story. Most readers dislike "I-You". It is hard to read and a reader can't really get inside the head of a character or relate to hin or her when the character is "you".

You describe an event but there isn't much of the passion or excitement or emotional involvment you expect to be able to grab onto to make the story more than a recitation of actions. When the woman is being assaulted, you tell us what is happening to her, but nothing about what she is feeling or how she is reacting.

The "trick" ending is one that is used a lot, too; similar to the anonymous panel van screeching to a halt and men mumping out to capture an unsuspecting girl and speed her away to do wicked and sordid things to her. Here, the ending doesn't come off as fresh and "wow" to the reader. It's more of - "oh, OK. That one."

You've got a lot of the mechanics of writing down pretty well. Workon the character development, dialog, and 'drama' for the next one and you'll do well.



Sin.

 

[shiresa]

Read and enjoyed it.

My comments are nothing that hasn't already been said.

Stay in one viewpoint. And make it a different one. Make it they instead of I-you (3rd person omniscient is easiest and best for stroke imho)

Add more feeling. Even if you want to stay with the I-you style for some reason these work.

I moan in passion as you . . .

I shiver in delight as . . .

I prefer them a bit longer also. But that is just me.

 

[susurrus]

This is a personal thing, but I don't know if I fully agree with going to 3rd person as being easier to read, but I *do* think it would have gone a bit better had it been past tense.

In looking back at your story (I'll readily admit I read it rather quickly), I noticed that it's written in the present tense, almost as if you're relating the events *as they happen*. That's not really the way you usually tell a story. Treat your story as if you're relating it to a friend the day after the events happened


From your story:

It had been a long, frustrating day. Nothing seemed to be going the way it should. I arrive home ready for a long soak in the bathtub, a cup of soothing tea, and eventually an early bedtime. Alas, it was not to be. As I open the screen door to let myself in a note flutters to my feet. Stooping I pick it up and read:

Would be more easily read:

I had been a long, frustrating day. Nothing seemed to have gone the way it should. I arrived home, ready for a long soak in the bathtub, a cup of soothing tea, and eventually an early bedtime. Alas it was not to be. As I opened the screen door, a note fluttered to my feet. Stooping, I picked it up and read...


It's a small thing, but it sounds more natural. Having written many of my stories in first person, I don't know if 3rd person reads more easily than 1st or not. What first person *does* allow you to do is get more deeply into the head of the narrator.

If you're writing in first person, put yourself in the narrator's place. Consider what you'd be thinking as the events happened. If you'd be terrified, describe what that would feel like and what your reaction would be. As you're being pleasured, describe the thoughts and sensations that go through your body.

I do agree, to an extent, that your story lacks a little life and reads sort of like a list, but for a first story, you've got the idea.

If you don't do a lot of reading (and I mean mass-market, not web), start. It's very hard to write interesting stuff until you understand how the pros do it. Find a genre you like, find an author or two you like, and start to analyze what it is about their writing you enjoy. Until you realize what makes the pro writers' stuff work, it's kind of hard to give your own stories the kind of life that makes readers go, "Hey, this is some really good shit." To write, you really need to read.

And the I-You thing: It's often preferable to give at least your main character a name. You had the perfect opportunity with the note from her master:

Nicole,

I will be waiting...

I know there isn't really another place in this story where that name would be significant, but it at least gives the reader something concrete to grab hold of as far as an identifier with the narrator. Without a name to hang onto, a story seems very impersonal. And, unless absolutely necessary, don't step out of the story to introduce. Example: The story has gone on for a few sentences, and suddenly you get, "I'm Nicole. I'm 21, brunette, 37D-27-36..." Blah Blah Blah. It doesn't further the story in the least. *That's* what I mean by "stepping out of the story*. The way this story is written, there isn't really a good way to introduce her master, but that's okay, in this case.



you've got a good start to an exciting, lucrative writing career! Did I say that? Hey, where's my paycheck?