Please feedback my story despite my name

[junglebunny]

Hi, please feedback my story. I posted it under this name- and then afterwards wondered what I was thinking when I picked this name, becouse alot of people were put off from even reading the story becouse the junglebunny username implied I was a certain kind of jerk.

I'm actually a comletely different kind of jerk entirely, trying to lay claim to and defuse the 'cus', anyway I now use a different handle, so please feedback this story (last one written under the jbunny handle).

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=58891

tanke.

 

[karmadog]

I clicked out of your story. I don't mean to be rude, but there were at least five spelling errors in the first paragraph and the trend continued.

Also, please remember that 'alot' is not a word. Use 'a lot'.

Good luck in the future.

karmadog

PS I'm glad you changed your nick.

 

[the_bragis]

Feedback

Hello junglebunny,

Here in Australia 'junglebunny' is slang for a black south African, so for what it's worth, I think your moniker suits the story well.

I found the introduction was good and interesting, although reading your note at the end, I'm not sure if that information is fiction or fact. Maybe I just didn't read it right?

This is what I noted as I read it:

There are a number of typos and spelling errors. Thies - tights, bough - brought, grabed - grabbed, and many more. There is nothing huge, but it does really bug some readers.

I found a couple of sentences awkward to read.

She looked at it in shock, her grip on the shotgun loosened unconciously(sic) when she saw the dart stuck there

You have her looking in shock, and looking at the dart, and it's too much. I think too the shotgun should have just loosened, unconsciously sounded odd. How about. 'Shocked, she looked down at the dart in her arm, and as her grip on the shotgun loosened, she lost consciousness'.'

She was lying on her back, quite uncomfortably on her back

You have doubled up here. Also adverbs are weak. How about something like, 'Lying there on the wooden poles, her back and shoulders began to ache.'

My synopsis? It's a good read, interesting, and different, but you really do need to check your work more carefully.

I wish you well with your future writing efforts,

Have a great day,

Alex (fem)