Please critque My first story

[Grvdigger]

This is the first story I have every posted and wanted some ideas on what was good and bad about it .


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=60373

thank you for you time,

Grvdigger

 

[kristydoll]

Hi...

I read your story and can give a few comments.

In writing your stories, refrain from the caps/lowercase...such as "My gem" and "O/our". This is best left to the chatrooms, not in your stories. It is difficult to read and you will have some readers not understand what you are doing.

The story on itself was not bad but could be a lot better. As it stands, it is another sub meets Master story. Using the present tense does not allow you to "show" the action happening, instead it is told. Always try to "show, not tell". This will also allow you to use more description in the actions and the story.

It gets easier the more you do it...keep it up!

kristy

 

[ladyphoenix]

Respectfully, Sir

I must agree with kristy ONLY in that the use of O/our and A/all and so forth is confusing to those not of the lifestyle. It is better left out. But as I understood the 'gem' as opposed to "Gem", I think that is better left in, perhaps with a bit of exposition at the opening to explain.
A rough story, from a literature standpoint, but my only real complaint is that there was not more of the display of emotion between them. What You were thinking, etc.

I am glad you were able to meet your darling gem, sir. Blessings on Your house.