Please critique my story

[sexymathstudent]

Vvv
Dddd

 

[DerelictionOfSanity]

Then I blew more jizz then I ever thought possible

Some minor grammar-y things could be fixed, such as the sentence above:
than I ever thought possible
but that's a very small issue.

Your story is fine. You might want to include a bit more sweaty/sensual description in order to really get your readers panting. You might conceivably also want to include more emotions/feelings. e.g: Expand on your embarrassment in gym class, talk about your sexual desire. If the story is intended for straight men, you might want to talk a little more about the girls' looks.

As for the true story part, I think that the person (name eludes me) in the other thread is correct that it doesn't matter much to most folks here. (The one exception is some readers might like to believe that the sex actually happened and your comment just reminds them that it didn't)

Anyway, good luck, and try not to take all of my comments too seriously; I tend to overcritisize.

 

[Boxlicker101]

You might make a reference to wearing or not wearing a jock strap in gym class. That would have had some effect on how much "flopping" would have been visible.

I also noticed this typo error in the first paragraph: It was long before Don't count on Spellcheck to spot errors like this.

Generally speaking, it looks okay to me, although I would change some of the wording. You tend to frequently repeat the same words, such as "notice" and some others. Either change the sentences to avoid this or use synonyms. This is what a thesaurus is for.

 

[sexymathstudent]

thanks for the checks. i will change it in the hard copy.

 

[sexymathstudent]

Your story is fine. You might want to include a bit more sweaty/sensual description in order to really get your readers panting. You might conceivably also want to include more emotions/feelings. e.g: Expand on your embarrassment in gym class, talk about your sexual desire. If the story is intended for straight men, you might want to talk a little more about the girls' looks.
.

great points! thanks. actually the last portion was intended to have more of that. It should be pretty easy to incorporate it there.

 

[sexymathstudent]

Generally speaking, it looks okay to me...

I greatly appreciate the syntactic grammatical corrections. Could anyone offer advive concerning how to make the story itself more erotic? (Other then being more descriptive).

 

[Boxlicker101]

I greatly appreciate the syntactic grammatical corrections. Could anyone offer advive concerning how to make the story itself more erotic? (Other then being more descriptive).

When the girl says this: ha I see your dick." Later, as we walked back into the school, she passed me and said "nice penis." You might have her say something more like "Nice equipment" of "Nice schlong" or even "Nice cock". You don't want people in porn to be so proper.

Definitely more description of the girls, and names too. You keep referring to them as "stepsister" or "friend" or other terms. Give them names early, and call them by those names, at least some of the time.

While the girl is rubbing her tit against your face, have it be bare, and stick out your tongue and lick it. She will want to keep doing that, and will hold them for you to move your face around.

The girl who sucked you off wants you to return the favor, so she sits on your face while you eat her pussy. The other girl gets you hard again, and rubs her tits against your cock. Then she climbs on top of you and takes it in her pussy, and she and her friend kiss and play with each other's tits while you are eating the pussy of one of them and the other is fucking herself on your cock.

You are all young, just 18, and there's no reason to stop with just one climax, especially since it is a Friday or Saturday night.

It also needs a lot of proofreading and editing. Do not depend on Spellcheck, because it won't catch everything. If you have a typo that is an actual word, Spellcheck will accept it.

 

[DerelictionOfSanity]

Do not depend on Spellcheck, because it won't catch everything. If you have a typo that is an actual word, Spellcheck will accept it.

I once read a poem titled "Ode to Spellchecker". Just about every word in the entire piece was wrong in some way, but in such a way that spellchecker wouldn't catch it.

e.g: You makes scents of my miss steaks. (that sort of thing)

 

[Boxlicker101]

I once read a poem titled "Ode to Spellchecker". Just about every word in the entire piece was wrong in some way, but in such a way that spellchecker wouldn't catch it.

e.g: You makes scents of my miss steaks. (that sort of thing)

It does help, and I leave mine on because it catches typos and other errors as I make them, but I always proofread everything anyhow. That's no big deal; it's just part of normal editing.

 

[sexymathstudent]

It does help, and I leave mine on because it catches typos...

thanks so much for all the help. i'm going to keep track of this thread and rewrite the story, with your suggestions in mind, when i have some free time. probably next week. thanks again.

 

[sexymathstudent]

It does help, and I leave mine on because it catches typos...

thanks so much for all the help. i'm going to keep track of this thread and rewrite the story, with your suggestions in mind, when i have some free time. probably next week. thanks again. ....i think i'm going to change my av. too. i'm getting kind of sick of seeing my cock.