Sarah Davies
Virgin
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2006
- Posts
- 24
New Story, no dialogue as last time.
S
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=271078
S
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=271078
Please could I have some feedback on this second story
- Thread starter Sarah Davies
- Start date
Jane and Samuel were away in the Highlands of Scotland. They went there for their first weekend away. Since that memorable weekend they visited the Highlands a few times each year.
Their home for the weekend was a beautiful old log cabin on a Loch at Glen Coe. The cabin sat in a glacial valley. The two high mountains on either side were snow capped and the views were amazing.
It was early spring; the new plants and leaves were just beginning to bud. The weather was warmer but there was a fresh wind.
Sam and Jane set out on a walk, along a route they had followed before and knew well. Sam walked slightly ahead taking Jane's hand when necessary to help her over tricky rocks and ground.
These four paragraphs - should be combined into one scene setting paragraph.
"Jane and Sam set out from their cabin, wandering the valley over Glen Coe Loch, amazed at the budding leaves and new spring growth along the wooded path. They walked below the snowcapped mountains, enjoying their annual vacation in the Scottish Highlands."
***
Much of the rest of the story follows the same pattern - similar thoughts broken up into small paragraphs which could be rewritten for clarity and impact. Overall it is a good enough story, but the writing is rather simplistic..
Their home for the weekend was a beautiful old log cabin on a Loch at Glen Coe. The cabin sat in a glacial valley. The two high mountains on either side were snow capped and the views were amazing.
It was early spring; the new plants and leaves were just beginning to bud. The weather was warmer but there was a fresh wind.
Sam and Jane set out on a walk, along a route they had followed before and knew well. Sam walked slightly ahead taking Jane's hand when necessary to help her over tricky rocks and ground.
These four paragraphs - should be combined into one scene setting paragraph.
"Jane and Sam set out from their cabin, wandering the valley over Glen Coe Loch, amazed at the budding leaves and new spring growth along the wooded path. They walked below the snowcapped mountains, enjoying their annual vacation in the Scottish Highlands."
***
Much of the rest of the story follows the same pattern - similar thoughts broken up into small paragraphs which could be rewritten for clarity and impact. Overall it is a good enough story, but the writing is rather simplistic..
Aurora Black
Professional Dreamer
- Joined
- Nov 3, 2005
- Posts
- 14,318
kbate said:
I enjoyed the story, but I have to agree with this as well as make a point of my own.
I found the sexual descriptions a little bit clinical, and I was distracted.
When I read this, I wondered if you (Sarah) were consulting a sex manual. Maybe it's my problem, who knows. You're the author, and you have the final say on how to write your stories.
Other than that and a few spelling mistakes, I thought it was very good for a second story. You should be very proud.
Sarah Davies
Virgin
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2006
- Posts
- 24
Thanks for the replies, they're always appreciated
G
Guest
Guest
Hi Sarah,
Having just read your story, I agree with what others have said thus far.
You said there was no dialogue in your original post. Is there a reason for that? It would go a long way in bringing the characters to life. I could go on and on about the importance of dialogue; but I'm guessing you've heard it before now?
In addition to combining some of the short paragraphs into fuller ones, I'd also suggest that you use their names less frequently. I know that sounds like an odd criticism; but you are writing about two people. The reader knows their names; and it becomes a distraction. (Hey, I catch myself doing the same thing!) Sometimes if you read the story aloud, you can catch this sort of thing on your own. If it sounds/feels awkward, change it.
Another suggestion: While you are writing a story, think of the old adage "show, don't tell." For example, if she grabbed his ass and winked, the reader would know he looked great from behind without you having to tell it.
Finally, I think you are brave to ask for feedback like this! With my first, second and, umm, thirteenth story...LOL...I've always preferred to hear the positive. No matter what anyone says (and especially if "anonymous" comes to call), just keep writing!
Having just read your story, I agree with what others have said thus far.
You said there was no dialogue in your original post. Is there a reason for that? It would go a long way in bringing the characters to life. I could go on and on about the importance of dialogue; but I'm guessing you've heard it before now?
In addition to combining some of the short paragraphs into fuller ones, I'd also suggest that you use their names less frequently. I know that sounds like an odd criticism; but you are writing about two people. The reader knows their names; and it becomes a distraction. (Hey, I catch myself doing the same thing!) Sometimes if you read the story aloud, you can catch this sort of thing on your own. If it sounds/feels awkward, change it.
Another suggestion: While you are writing a story, think of the old adage "show, don't tell." For example, if she grabbed his ass and winked, the reader would know he looked great from behind without you having to tell it.
Finally, I think you are brave to ask for feedback like this! With my first, second and, umm, thirteenth story...LOL...I've always preferred to hear the positive. No matter what anyone says (and especially if "anonymous" comes to call), just keep writing!
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