Please comment on my story

[fille]

I've never submitted a story before - here's my first try:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=157192

Please let me know what you think.

 

[impressive]

Enjoyable!

I had a little trouble getting into it at first, as it seemed you were trying to cram a bunch of info into the first few paragraphs. Personally, I don't need all those physical descriptions -- especially of the narrator (hair color, etc.) -- in order to enjoy a story.

A couple minor issues with agreement of verb tense in the beginning, but once the story got cookin' I didn't notice any more. (They may've been there, but I was engaged on a different level by that time.)

I look forward to more.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I found the opening too hasty to grab me. The swift introduction of vital statistics and sexual desires rather than characterization made it diffcult for me to get to grips with the speaker. I was learning what she wanted sexually, but what I didn't get a sense of was why it would interest me. That said, I think you do indeed do a good job of letting people know what to expect. There is a place in the world for straightforward stroke; just tends not to be my personal choice.

Shanglan

 

[vargas111]

"I suppose I should begin this story by telling you a little bit about myself"

Usually, you should not. Start with an event, maybe meeting Marie, your and Toms reactions. Then some of the History can come out, explaing to the reader why you had these reactions. Physical discriotions for the "I" can come in passing as looks become important at a point in the narrative.

As for characteristics, it's better not to say "I have a voracous sexual appetit" but let it drop in "My voracious sexual appetite was running away with me again."

Still it;s a strong, well imagined story. I enjoyed it

 

[fille]

Thanks for your input, and also to those who sent me feedback by email. I will probably submit something else soon.

 

[BlackSnake]

I've never submitted a story before - here's my first try:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=157192

Please let me know what you think.

That rated a 5 on the peter-meter.

I loved the rhythm and flow of the story it brought me into the story enough to peer over the narrator's shoulder.

Great Job!