Please come help me with my conundrum

[Maitresse]

Hello Literoticians,

I am mainly a lurker but feel it is time I come out and address my long repressed desires. A little bit about me. I am a late 30's married waspish girl. My maritial sex life is in no way taking me where I desire to go. I really do not think that I could be submissive to my husband ( so many reasons why) nor do I think his *ego *would allow me to be the dominant partner. I have recently found myself very intrigued by the bdsm lifestyle. I am so thankful I have found Literotica and graciously all of you for your wonderful insights. I feel I have an equal combination of submissve and dominant desires and would like to be able to experience both sides. I am also very lucky that I have found a wonderful cyber partner ( a male submissive) who is patient enough to encourage these desires in me. I want so badly to be able to give my all to this person but know that my ignorance often inhibits me. Many times I wonder why this person would even want to spend time with someone who is so clueless. If you could take the time to answer a few of my questions I would be most appreciative.

1. Is there any real appeal for someone who is very experienced in bdsm to want to spend time with someone who is newly curious yet still a bdsm virgin?

2. How does a newly curious person go about becoming more experienced in bdsm? I am reading everything I can but would welcome any suggestions.

3. How could a newly curious partner go about trying to please a defininte sub male while still trying to learn the ropes themselves?

4. Is there a Domme for Dummies Book? (just joshing)

Thanks in advance for all the great answers I know I will receive.
Ciao Ciao
Maitresse

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Not to be rude, but have you considered dealing with your marital situation first? Not to be overly judgmental, but being in a period of flux or confusion about where your life currently stands is no place to begin a new situation. Would you please consider finishing the current chapter of your life before begining another?

 

[bunny bondage]

1. Is there any real appeal for someone who is very experienced in bdsm to want to spend time with someone who is newly curious yet still a bdsm virgin?

oh yes. even as a girl subbie, i've loved breaking in brand new doms just coming into their own. two were complete virgins! so yes, his interest is validated.

2. How does a newly curious person go about becoming more experienced in bdsm? I am reading everything I can but would welcome any suggestions.

read, ask us questions, try things out on your own, find a partner with whom you can experiment, fantasize, and do a little introspection.

3. How could a newly curious partner go about trying to please a defininte sub male while still trying to learn the ropes themselves?

ok, ya got me there. no clue.

now that the questions have been addresed, i'd like to go back to what Johnny said. or, we could call him Mr.TotallyRight. i am in no way judging you, it's not my place or buisness. however, i think that, as women, we both know that even though our hearts may lead us in a very strong direction, deception is never the way to get what we ultimatly want - just a little instant gratification and long term disaster. lies poison everyone who hears them.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Hello Literoticians,

I am mainly a lurker but feel it is time I come out and address my long repressed desires. A little bit about me. I am a late 30's married waspish girl. My maritial sex life is in no way taking me where I desire to go. I really do not think that I could be submissive to my husband ( so many reasons why) nor do I think his *ego *would allow me to be the dominant partner. I have recently found myself very intrigued by the bdsm lifestyle. I am so thankful I have found Literotica and graciously all of you for your wonderful insights. I feel I have an equal combination of submissve and dominant desires and would like to be able to experience both sides. I am also very lucky that I have found a wonderful cyber partner ( a male submissive) who is patient enough to encourage these desires in me. I want so badly to be able to give my all to this person but know that my ignorance often inhibits me. Many times I wonder why this person would even want to spend time with someone who is so clueless. If you could take the time to answer a few of my questions I would be most appreciative.

1. Is there any real appeal for someone who is very experienced in bdsm to want to spend time with someone who is newly curious yet still a bdsm virgin?

2. How does a newly curious person go about becoming more experienced in bdsm? I am reading everything I can but would welcome any suggestions.

3. How could a newly curious partner go about trying to please a defininte sub male while still trying to learn the ropes themselves?

4. Is there a Domme for Dummies Book? (just joshing)

Thanks in advance for all the great answers I know I will receive.
Ciao Ciao
Maitresse

First of all, welcome to our Community Maitresse. You'll find that many people here will have differing opinions on your situation. One of the nice things about this Community is that we're all entitled to our opinions, and we can feel free to express them and have a safe place to do that. Sometimes people feel somewhat judged by others here, but I'd encourage you to take people's opinions about your situation not as judgement, but as friendly advice, and remember that the bottom line is .... it is only THEIR OPINION. What you do with that information is your business.

That being said, IMO, I would also encourage you to deal with your marital situation first, before progressing further into any real-time experience with BDSM. I'd like to see you have one house in order before you open the door to another, figuratively.

You can continue to learn about BDSM, while getting your house in order, without involving another partner. We have a wonderful Library, full of threads on all sort of BDSM topics. You can also check out www.castlerealm.com which is a wonderful website for both Dominants and submissives, and www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html ,also a great website. These are all great places that come highly recommended as places to start your education. If you have any questions on any of these links, or any questions at all, please feel free to PM me.

~anelize, BDSM Librarian

 

[D's mariposa]

joins the chorus for one more of refrain of "you should poblably deal with the marriage first.."

That being done, yes newbies are attractive to just about anyone. Look in your community for some bdsm clubs because most of them have seminars and such to learn from. Even if they don't, you can look for someone who can teach you all those wonderfully Domme-y things.

Bookwise, I've ehard that the Mistress Manual by Lady Lorelei is very good for new Dommes. SM 101 by Jay Wiseman is good; he specifically addresses new female Dominants. Also, the lady who wrote "the Art of Erotic Submission" wrote something for new Dommes; she was a pro Domme for a while. Unfortunately, I can't remember her name or the name of the book. (Sorry, no coffee yet; soon as I remember I'll edit it in or something.)

 

[Croctden]

Originally posted by Maitresse Is there a Domme for Dummies Book?

I wish. I got there by playing by ear, but that's not necessarily the smartest way. I'm just stubborn. It helped that my girl was new to it too.

I will jump on the bandwagon and strongly suggest it would be wiser to come to some type of peace with your husband first.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Oh so 'ditto'.....to give yourself a chance at a truly positive experience, take care of your present unfinished business first, then you can move forward with clear conscience and heart.

Catalina

 

[MissTaken]

Re: Re: Please come help me with my conundrum

First of all, welcome to our Community Maitresse. You'll find that many people here will have differing opinions on your situation. One of the nice things about this Community is that we're all entitled to our opinions, and we can feel free to express them and have a safe place to do that. Sometimes people feel somewhat judged by others here, but I'd encourage you to take people's opinions about your situation not as judgement, but as friendly advice, and remember that the bottom line is .... it is only THEIR OPINION. What you do with that information is your business.

That being said, IMO, I would also encourage you to deal with your marital situation first, before progressing further into any real-time experience with BDSM. I'd like to see you have one house in order before you open the door to another, figuratively.

You can continue to learn about BDSM, while getting your house in order, without involving another partner. We have a wonderful Library, full of threads on all sort of BDSM topics. You can also check out www.castlerealm.com which is a wonderful website for both Dominants and submissives, and www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html ,also a great website. These are all great places that come highly recommended as places to start your education. If you have any questions on any of these links, or any questions at all, please feel free to PM me.

~anelize, BDSM Librarian

I was channelling through annelize while I was away this weekend!



Welcome, Maitresse and best wishes on your new venture.

Remember, we all had to start somewhere.

 

[curious_ cat]

joins the chorus for one more of refrain of "you should poblably deal with the marriage first.."

That being done, yes newbies are attractive to just about anyone. Look in your community for some bdsm clubs because most of them have seminars and such to learn from. Even if they don't, you can look for someone who can teach you all those wonderfully Domme-y things.

Bookwise, I've ehard that the Mistress Manual by Lady Lorelei is very good for new Dommes. SM 101 by Jay Wiseman is good; he specifically addresses new female Dominants. Also, the lady who wrote "the Art of Erotic Submission" wrote something for new Dommes; she was a pro Domme for a while. Unfortunately, I can't remember her name or the name of the book. (Sorry, no coffee yet; soon as I remember I'll edit it in or something.)

I think the book you are referring to might be "The Sensual Art of Female Dominance" by Claudia Varrin. Well written.

curious_cat

 

[Maitresse]

Hello,

Thank you for the great help and info. Yes, the maritial problem needs to be solved and I appreciate all of you who took the time to comment. I know no one is being judgemental but a marriage is a tricky thing and becomes even trickier once children are involved.

Thanks Bunny. I am unclear on how a sub would break in a new dom or even how a new dom could figure out how to dominate but it is something I will continue to think about.

Thanks to the rest who posted, I do feel more at ease now.

Maitresse

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Hello,

Thank you for the great help and info. Yes, the maritial problem needs to be solved and I appreciate all of you who took the time to comment. I know no one is being judgemental but a marriage is a tricky thing and becomes even trickier once children are involved.

Thanks Bunny. I am unclear on how a sub would break in a new dom or even how a new dom could figure out how to dominate but it is something I will continue to think about.

Thanks to the rest who posted, I do feel more at ease now.

Maitresse

So, there are children involved? Doesn't that mean that you should REALLY put D/s completely on hold for as long as it takes to resolve that situation?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hello,

Thank you for the great help and info. Yes, the maritial problem needs to be solved and I appreciate all of you who took the time to comment. I know no one is being judgemental but a marriage is a tricky thing and becomes even trickier once children are involved.

Thanks Bunny. I am unclear on how a sub would break in a new dom or even how a new dom could figure out how to dominate but it is something I will continue to think about.

Thanks to the rest who posted, I do feel more at ease now.

Maitresse

Is a well perpetuated myth that children are happiest when their parents stay together for their sake. If it is a happy home it is usually the best choice, but children are more perceptive than many give them credit for and if their parents are unhappy, they more often than not are also. This can lead to feelings they are to blame, and assuming the responsibility for their parents disharmony. IMO it is best to look at the reality and try to find a situation which will bring more comfort to all, though that may be some time in the future as change takes time to appreciate for many.

 

[Netzach]

I am actually going to dispense the input you asked for not the input you didn't ask for. I also am beginning to consider the marital advice given something of a thread hijack that happens every time someone is honest about a marital situation. (ie. it's not the subject at hand, it's probably advice the reciepient is well aware of, to boot.)

Anelize said it best though, opinions....opinions, like buttholes.

Your marriage is something I won't possibly presume to know enough about to tell you what to do.

Unlike a lot of people, I think that cyber-exploration, provided it doesn't take on addictive proportion, never killed anyone, ipso facto.

Besides, people can become addicted to all manner of online communication...bulletin boards, even, thus ignoring all actual rt responsibilities. That is the problematic nature of cyber, to me, rather than having personal communications that remain personal.

On to the questions asked:

1. Yes. I find that in fact, all too many people (often but not always Doms)in the scene are attracted to the new player out of a kind of svengali complex, a chance to mold the impressionable and maybe get into her pants. I'd subject everything to your own personal smell test, and read between the lines of people volunteering to show you the ropes, I'd hang back and observe people in action. If there's a D or Top you respect and feel comfortable with based on what you see and hear, I'd consider asking for mentoring or suggestion or even just bouncing ideas off them, as you are here.

2. That's a hard question to answer. Personally I gained experience through finding my local community and finding friends and partners in it. I also have never had a problem doing non-sexual scenes, Top or bottom, with people I knew weren't going to do something stupid. I took every opportunity to play with other people, and I had no qualms about bottoming to extremely experienced players. I think it taught me a lot, eventually teaching me that I *can* bottom, but I'm not really much of a bottom.

Would it freak your husband out less, maybe, if you limited your activities? SM is not really about sex, all the time. Sometimes it's just really good masturbation fuel for me to lay a cane on someone, there are very few people I play with, with whom I have what I'd call "sex."

3. Pleasing and keeping the submissive partner are not the concerns of the Dominant partner, well, not the primary concerns, anyway. You don't want to be an asshole, you don't want to maim anyone (psychologically anyway, if we are talking about online) and you don't want to bore them, either.

So: to your dominant half I speak: what do you like? What pictures that run through your head make you hot? What do you *want?* In the short term and the bigger picture? (a footrub? Loyalty? a sandwich? A sounding-board and a friend?) Being a Dominant is reliant on seelf confidence. You have to decide if there are criteria that, if not met, are more important than the relationship.

If you'd "do anything to keep him" you are automatically not operating from a Dominant position.... that's the rather ingrained programming we get as girls. If you'd do as much as you *can* to keep him, but the decision is his, contingent on his behavior....you are.

Being an effective Dominant is mainly knowing what you want out of an exchange, either something very momentary or something very long term, and coming up with a strategy to get it. Now, we are talking about humans, so the strategy is not always a linear and simple one. For some people it is....do this...if you don't I shall punish you and you shall feel remorse and never do it again.

I personally don't operate that way, as much. I tend to have in mind something I want, then see if I can steer the bottom in that direction, I'm very flexible and can move away from the expectation if I need or want to, if it's not as productive or as interresting as I'd hoped.

But I never lose sight of what I want to happen and/or why, and if it doesn't it's because *I* abandoned it.

I think a lot of failure can be chalked up to not knowing what you want, or when a dominant wants something...well....dumb and unrealistic, and the sub can't take the request seriously enough.

Enough "you shall masturbate under your desk" commands to a woman who works standing all day on a sales floor, as a bad example, and you will not be excercising control for long, at least as most people go.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Sorry you feel that way about honest opinions, Netzach...some of us, however, feel that a Dominant should have all of his/her ducks in a row before trying to control other people.

 

[Netzach]

I've never met anyone, where if pressed, I would tell you they had their shit completely together. Sure, if I don't know them, I might think so.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I would try reading as much about the subject as you can, and then you decide how you fit in the spectrum of BDSM.

What is your goal?

How do you want to achieve it?

Do you want to include your partner?

How will your need for this lifestyle change your world?

Not easy is it?

If you act on your desires you life will change, you will change. How do you plan to cope with these changes?

 

[D's mariposa]

I think the book you are referring to might be "The Sensual Art of Female Dominance" by Claudia Varrin. Well written.

curious_cat

Yup, that would be it. I don't have it; I just remember that she mentioned it in the forword to "the Art of Erotic Submission." All I could remember was the name Claudia.

Thanks!

 

[curious_ cat]

Yup, that would be it. I don't have it; I just remember that she mentioned it in the forword to "the Art of Erotic Submission." All I could remember was the name Claudia.

Thanks!

I'm glad to be of service. My friend has this book and when I saw your post, I just had to call her and get the info.

I once browsed through it but had to quit when I got to the section on cock and ball bondage. I was laughing too hard trying to visualize myself trying it. OH MY.

curious_cat

 

[MissTaken]

I'm glad to be of service. My friend has this book and when I saw your post, I just had to call her and get the info.

I once browsed through it but had to quit when I got to the section on cock and ball bondage. I was laughing too hard trying to visualize myself trying it. OH MY.

curious_cat

Hmmm

I am constantly surprised at the things I have experienced that I never thought I could do.

Yes, Maitresse,

Read and learn.
Do some soul searching and priortizing. Where and how do you see BDSM fitting into your life?
At what cost?
To what benefit?

I believe that we must find balance in our lives and yes, BDSM may need to be part of that balance. Without balance, we are frustrated and unhappy individuals.

Seeking balance is never ending or so it seems to me. Just when I think I have found it, something else gets thrown into the pot!

In any event, you really do have the answers for yourself and will find them as you find more information.

Best wishes,

 

[mnhot2001]

Hello Literoticians,

I am mainly a lurker but feel it is time I come out and address my long repressed desires. A little bit about me. I am a late 30's married waspish girl. My maritial sex life is in no way taking me where I desire to go. I really do not think that I could be submissive to my husband ( so many reasons why) nor do I think his *ego *would allow me to be the dominant partner. I have recently found myself very intrigued by the bdsm lifestyle. I am so thankful I have found Literotica and graciously all of you for your wonderful insights. I feel I have an equal combination of submissve and dominant desires and would like to be able to experience both sides. I am also very lucky that I have found a wonderful cyber partner ( a male submissive) who is patient enough to encourage these desires in me. I want so badly to be able to give my all to this person but know that my ignorance often inhibits me. Many times I wonder why this person would even want to spend time with someone who is so clueless. If you could take the time to answer a few of my questions I would be most appreciative.

1. Is there any real appeal for someone who is very experienced in bdsm to want to spend time with someone who is newly curious yet still a bdsm virgin?

2. How does a newly curious person go about becoming more experienced in bdsm? I am reading everything I can but would welcome any suggestions.

3. How could a newly curious partner go about trying to please a defininte sub male while still trying to learn the ropes themselves?

4. Is there a Domme for Dummies Book? (just joshing)

Thanks in advance for all the great answers I know I will receive.
Ciao Ciao
Maitresse

BUMP- SELF

 

[SirVPL]

Bdsm Or Not To Bdsm?

First Id deal with my marriage before entertaining any ideas on the lifestyle.
Second, take the incentive, take charge in the bedroom. Chances are hell do what you want in the bedroom. Third, talk it over with your signifacant other about the lifestyle. It has been known to bring couples together. If you need advice go to a munch seek out Doms and Dommes and their sub/slaves for advice.

 

[leighannste17]

Hello,

Thank you for the great help and info. Yes, the maritial problem needs to be solved and I appreciate all of you who took the time to comment. I know no one is being judgemental but a marriage is a tricky thing and becomes even trickier once children are involved.

Thanks Bunny. I am unclear on how a sub would break in a new dom or even how a new dom could figure out how to dominate but it is something I will continue to think about.

Thanks to the rest who posted, I do feel more at ease now.

Maitresse

It takes time to really open up and find yourself. I'm somewhat new to BDSM myself. I've tried a few things here and there in the bedroom and realized I was actually more dominant with guys, then I was submissive. Which is odd for someone like me that is so soft-spoken, and lady-like in public.

But were all different. My suggestion would be to introduce these ideas to your husband. Having a healthy sex life is important in any relationship. And jumping into something new could cause more drama then needed.

Your best bet is to lay it on the table with your husband. If his desires do not meet yours maybe it's time to do some long, hard, thinking about your marriage. Relationships need to be solved before sex.

 

[SirVPL]

Your Welcome

Hello,

Thank you for the great help and info. Yes, the maritial problem needs to be solved and I appreciate all of you who took the time to comment. I know no one is being judgemental but a marriage is a tricky thing and becomes even trickier once children are involved.

Thanks Bunny. I am unclear on how a sub would break in a new dom or even how a new dom could figure out how to dominate but it is something I will continue to think about.

Thanks to the rest who posted, I do feel more at ease now.

Maitresse

Chances are you just might be a Dominant. It might be an idea to try when you take over the bedroom. Experiment a little. Study the situation while Dominating. He could be a submissive?

 

[Stella_Omega]

He could be a submissive?

Why are you responding to a post that is ten years old?

Is it a iPhone thing-- people can't see the dates or something?

(it's a good one, though, especially for Netach's comments)

 

[mnhot2001]

Why are you responding to a post that is ten years old?

Is it a iPhone thing-- people can't see the dates or something?

(it's a good one, though, especially for Netach's comments)

Why not?