Please be kind

[sexiskye]

Ok my 1st submission made it through happy about that yes

Now nervous but please would like some feedback.

http://www.literotica.com/s/beach-fun-5


TY

 

[SydneyBlake]

Congratulations on your first submission. I sent feedback privately.

 

[sexiskye]

Ty for reading and the comment!!

I appreciate any feedback

 

[SevenSquared]

It was a nice first story, I liked the characters and the setting. My only two minor quibbles would be:

1. It looks like it could have done with a couple more 'read throughs' to pick up mistakes. There's nothing unforgivable in there, just quite a few minor spelling and grammar errors and a couple of times you accidently slip into the present tense.

2. It seems to be over almost before it has begun. I know a lot of people like shorter stories, but I think there comes a point where it loses some of its erotic potential because there just isn't long enough to become properly aroused while reading it. I realise that the essense of the story is that it is a 'quickie' and you don't want to lose that, but maybe you could describe the experience in more detail to compensate for that.

Just my opinion anyway.

 

[sexiskye]

It was a nice first story, I liked the characters and the setting. My only two minor quibbles would be:

1. It looks like it could have done with a couple more 'read throughs' to pick up mistakes. There's nothing unforgivable in there, just quite a few minor spelling and grammar errors and a couple of times you accidently slip into the present tense.

2. It seems to be over almost before it has begun. I know a lot of people like shorter stories, but I think there comes a point where it loses some of its erotic potential because there just isn't long enough to become properly aroused while reading it. I realise that the essense of the story is that it is a 'quickie' and you don't want to lose that, but maybe you could describe the experience in more detail to compensate for that.

Just my opinion anyway.

And I thank you for it!! It's things like that will help me

 

[gregy70]

Nice!

Short & Fresh!
Realistic.
I liked it.
Nice first story!

 

[sexiskye]

Short & Fresh!
Realistic.
I liked it.
Nice first story!

Thank you

 

[sexiskye]

Ok my 2nd story on Lit

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-dvd

What ya think?

 

[adamzapple]

Hi there, it was different, and you wrote an actual story with a plot and everything (!! shock) we don't see much of that around here.

I got lost a couple of places, it was the punctuation, or lack of it, like question marks missing. Little things but it all helps make the story read better. The other guy, Bob, he just kind of appeared out of nowhere in the story. You mentioned him, another piece of ass, then moved on. When you cut back to the DVD she went and sat by him. It just seemed sudden, like something was missing.

I liked it well enough, mostly because it was different and original. It didn't turn me on because I didn't feel there was enough depth to the story. There wasn't enough detail to make me feel involved. It felt rushed, like you should have slowed the pace a little. Stop and take a breath sometimes.

It was good writing otherwise, original, like I said, and with an actual storyline. Keep writing, but slow down a little. You don't have to write it all in one sitting. And you need to read it over before you click send, just to make sure it's all as clear as it can be.

 

[sexiskye]

Hi there, it was different, and you wrote an actual story with a plot and everything (!! shock) we don't see much of that around here.

I got lost a couple of places, it was the punctuation, or lack of it, like question marks missing. Little things but it all helps make the story read better. The other guy, Bob, he just kind of appeared out of nowhere in the story. You mentioned him, another piece of ass, then moved on. When you cut back to the DVD she went and sat by him. It just seemed sudden, like something was missing.

I liked it well enough, mostly because it was different and original. It didn't turn me on because I didn't feel there was enough depth to the story. There wasn't enough detail to make me feel involved. It felt rushed, like you should have slowed the pace a little. Stop and take a breath sometimes.

It was good writing otherwise, original, like I said, and with an actual storyline. Keep writing, but slow down a little. You don't have to write it all in one sitting. And you need to read it over before you click send, just to make sure it's all as clear as it can be.

Thank you heaps!

 

[SevenSquared]

I agree pretty much with what Adam said, except that I like that Bob was kept vague and mysterious. There was just no need to know much about him in a story like this. On the whole it was a good story, interesting to read and quite original, but I do agree that it doesn't read very well at times. Example:

"I heard you've become a bit of a hermit, you stopped talking to Mike oh fuck yes Bob Ritchie what you going to do with yourself sit there beating your own cock while you hate me?"

I read that sentence three times and still didn't really know what was going on. What... Bob... Richie... who is she talking to? And who the hell is Mike?

Eventually I got it - she was talking to Richie through the camera and, mid-sentence, stopped to give some encouragement to Bob fucking her, before carrying on talking to Richie, referring to his as-yet-unmentioned friend Mike. That is one hell of a complicated dialogue fragment to try and convey in a written story even if it's punctuated well (which unfortunately it isn't). Even on screen, where she could convey who she was talking to through body language and tone of voice, that might have been a bit confusing. Try breaking it up into more than one sentence, or at the very least, use some commas and semi-colon's

 

[gregy70]

Wow. I liked this story too.
Different !
Fresh!
Creative!
Realistic!

 

[sexiskye]

I agree pretty much with what Adam said, except that I like that Bob was kept vague and mysterious. There was just no need to know much about him in a story like this. On the whole it was a good story, interesting to read and quite original, but I do agree that it doesn't read very well at times. Example:


I read that sentence three times and still didn't really know what was going on. What... Bob... Richie... who is she talking to? And who the hell is Mike?

Eventually I got it - she was talking to Richie through the camera and, mid-sentence, stopped to give some encouragement to Bob fucking her, before carrying on talking to Richie, referring to his as-yet-unmentioned friend Mike. That is one hell of a complicated dialogue fragment to try and convey in a written story even if it's punctuated well (which unfortunately it isn't). Even on screen, where she could convey who she was talking to through body language and tone of voice, that might have been a bit confusing. Try breaking it up into more than one sentence, or at the very least, use some commas and semi-colon's

Thank you for all the responses.

I think I need to slow down. I get an idea and I run with it and rush through the idea too quickly. That is my downfall I think, relax.....

 

[PrivateRickmers]

I left a comment. It was well written. Keep writing.

 

[sethp]

Left a comment. Good story, but very short! Keep up the good work.

 

[MaxSebastian]

I agree with the previous comments - the punctuation problems are a little distracting, but hopefully you can sort that out and continue making progress, which you're clearly doing.

The second piece was much better, in that there was some kind of story there and actually a pretty interesting concept to highlight character flaws and examine relationship problems. I'll mostly comment on that second story, as it was the most intriguing.

I agree it wasn't so erotic, I think because while reading it you kind of feel bad for the narrator, but then suspect he has actually been a bit of an ass, so you can't quite connect with him. When the narrator doesn't enjoy the sex, I think perhaps the reader can't quite enjoy it, either.

For me, I think what is missing here is the last act of the story.

Your character has had a rather intriguing insight into where he went wrong in his past relationship, but rather than learning from his past mistakes or responding to them, the story simply stops. Maybe it's just not that kind of story, but it could have been both a satisfying resolution and a good way for the reader to re-connect with a flawed (but potentially interesting) character to see him either given some kind of chance to rekindle his relationship and redeem himself or (as would probably be more likely/realistic), find someone else to start a new relationship in which he clearly shows he has learned something from his past experiences.

M