Pleas, please, help.

[Davidson23]

Ok, here's the thing. I'll try to be as less boring as possible.
I am 24 years old, my wife is 26. We've been married for almost three years now. Sex was awesome before marriage, several times every week, perfect. I know I'm good at this, in fact, she has only had orgasms with me.

Anyway, to the point. She used to ride me all the time and she would orgasm within minutes, several times every session. Several times. One day, she started complaining how her bladder would sort of hurt when in that position or missionary as well--like urge to pee. Then, she got a couple of bladder infections. Next thing you knew, we weren't having sex in WEEKS. She would have bladder infections and yeast infections frequently, and the doctor said that my dick (not too big, but not small) could have hurt her bladder.

That was over two years ago. Her apetite has gone out of the window after all these infections and problems, and we barely have sex. I am a very sexual person and I cannot stand this. She doesn't like oral sex on her either (another thing I know I'm good at), since she finds it uncomfortable, and it takes too long for me to come with oral sex. So, now we have sex once every ten-twelve days (on average), she comes every once in a while, but not as good as it was. I don't know what to do. I'm out of ideas, and I do not want to be one of those marriages that have sex once a week or less, because I am a very sexual person and I know i will end up looking for something else outside of my marriage. I'm human.

I'd appreciate any help, guys. Thanks

I don't know what else to do, boys.

 

[pplwatching]

[QUOTE=Davidson23;26375306

 

[Davidson23]

Thanks for yuor words. I understand the medical problems she has gone through, but I put myself in her position and i do not get it. If I had problems, but I knew she still had some needs, I would do something for her, anything. She won't even help me out. It just doesn't come out of her. She doesn't think about it, apparently. I feel like she was one person when we met, then another when we got married. It's so frustrating. And OF COURSE, if I even mention it, I'm a jerk that only thinks about sex and "I'm not being supportive". Whatever.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks for yuor words. I understand the medical problems she has gone through, but I put myself in her position and i do not get it. If I had problems, but I knew she still had some needs, I would do something for her, anything. She won't even help me out. It just doesn't come out of her. She doesn't think about it, apparently. I feel like she was one person when we met, then another when we got married. It's so frustrating. And OF COURSE, if I even mention it, I'm a jerk that only thinks about sex and "I'm not being supportive". Whatever.

People change. That's why a lot of marriages, especially when people are younger and still in that period of major change that lasts to 25-30, don't work. It's very possible both of you have changed enough that you're not such a great match anymore. It's not anyone's fault, it's just the way it happens sometimes.

I get the impression that you're coming from a place of frustration and anger. If that's the case, she's going to pick up on it and react to it. Try talking in a loving way, with compromise in mind instead. Ask her if you could come up with some solutions together. For example, maybe she'd be okay with a few minutes of oral then finishing you with her hands, or just a handjob or erotic massage, or using toys on you, or being touched and talking dirty to you while YOU masturbate. In time, maybe she'd be open to exploring anal if you approach it in a very intimate way and focus on her pleasure.

There are LOTS of things you can do that don't include vaginal sex, and many of them don't take a ton of effort on her part. Add these things to having sex every 10-12 days, take pleasure in what you DO get (instead of what you don't get), and you shouldn't have anything to complain about.

Most married people hit a point where they have sex once or twice a week or less, just because the newness wears off, and jobs, bills, family and house projects interfere and make quality sex easier to do than quantity sex. And, like pplwatching said, dry spells DO occur when you're spending your life with someone! My point is that you're likely going to find yourself not getting as much sex as you want in most long-term relationships, not just this one, so you may want to rethink your idea that you need to cheat if you don't get as much sex as you might like.

If you're seriously considering cheating, at least be decent enough to be honest with your wife about that, so she can choose what SHE wants to do. She has a right to decide whether or not she wants to be exposed to the health and emotional risks of nonmonogamy, and who knows, she may not have a problem with you getting sex elsewhere if you're honest from the start.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I'm kind of going through a reverse thing with Master because we used to have lots of sex and now it's become less frequent. I do have a high sex drive and would love to have sex more often but guess who calls the.. ahem... shots?

I think Erika is right in that you need to get your wife on your side with this rather than butt heads over how frequently you get it on and complain a lot. Does she wish she got aroused more often than she used to? Does she still love you as much as she did when you married? How does she see you working these things out in the future? Is she still finding sex uncomfortable? If so, is she seeking medical help for that?

I can understand why she's feeling defensive and why you're so frustrated. You need to explain in a non confrontational way that her refusing even to talk about your sex life is not going to sit with you indefinitely. If you don't know what her core issues are with this, you have no hope of helping her resolve them.

You could say that you've thought of straying but I think she'd see that as an ultimatum - if you don't fuck me someone else will. It won't build bridges IMO. A better idea might be to suggest sex therapy or couples therapy. It might be enough of a push to get her to start talking to you.

For now I'd focus on the quality of the sex you're actually getting. When she does have sex is it grudging and reluctant? That's a bad pattern to get into. Focus on her pleasure and try different things to help her really enjoy herself. If she can see that you genuinely want her to enjoy you and have a good time, she might start to relax and get into things a bit more.

 

[Lalah]

Sounds like an opportunity to have her try anal. You won't hit her bladder that way.

But seriously, I guess you have to ask yourself if a low sex relationship is something you could live with. Maybe couple therapy could help, maybe not.

 

[FiestyRedHead]

This will sound really weird, but what type of underware is she wearing?

Thongs can cause constant bladder infections. The Dr's love 'em, as it boost business.

Many types of medication can also cause a change in sex drive.


That being said, many times a women will go thru different drives at different ages. She hasn't even yet begun to hit her peak - just wait until she hits her 30's!

 

[red_jane_doe]

I also started getting urinary tract infections from sex. I've done everything that they tell you to do in order to try to prevent them and it just doesn't work for me. I don't get them every time or with every partner. The last one was so bad that I have stopped having sex outside of a long term relationship. I haven't had sex in 2 years and I love sex. It's just not worth it to me to risk having that pain, issue and then the yeast infection that follows because of the antibiotic.

So, even though there are medications to clear up the infections and yeast, it can be so bad that sex isn't worth it. However, I do agree that other forms of getting off and intimacy would be on the top of my list. I would not give up sexual activity but I would reduce the intercourse.

Maybe you need to approach her with understanding about her physical issues from sex and tell her that you understand that it causes her pain and that's the last thing you want for her. Ask her if there are other ways that she would like to be intimate with you that would get you both off but still reduce the risk of her getting an infection. Maybe she doesn't feel like you're sensitive to her real issues and that all you're concerned with is your need for sex.

Maybe have some sessions where it's all about her and making her feel good, not just making her feel good so that she'll do it in return.

You need to tell her that you want to make it all about her. Something like, "I know that the medical issues from sex have caused you to not want to have sex as often. I'm sure it puts a negative feeling in your head towards sex because you're wondering if this session will bring on another infection. I also know how much you used to enjoy having sex and I'd like to try to help you find that feeling again without intercourse. Would you be willing to let me focus on you for the night, no intercourse, where you could just lay back and enjoy without the heavy thoughts that are taking away your pleasure and keeping you from orgasming?"

 

[VelvetDarkness]

This will sound really weird, but what type of underware is she wearing?

That's not weird at all. Also, the fabric should be natural and breathable cotton. Synthetic fabrics can cause or exacerbate UTIs, as can the tighter, narrower gusset of a thong. Very tight trousers and jeans don't help either so get her to lay off the skin tight denim.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

You need to tell her that you want to make it all about her. Something like, "I know that the medical issues from sex have caused you to not want to have sex as often. I'm sure it puts a negative feeling in your head towards sex because you're wondering if this session will bring on another infection. I also know how much you used to enjoy having sex and I'd like to try to help you find that feeling again without intercourse. Would you be willing to let me focus on you for the night, no intercourse, where you could just lay back and enjoy without the heavy thoughts that are taking away your pleasure and keeping you from orgasming?"

Very good post, couldn't have put it better.

 

[seekingjoy]

Did you ask what the doctor meant when he said you may have hurt her?
Men tend to not ask for details.

So I'm just curious. And here's why I'm asking.
One of my best friends was in a long term with a man years ago. She was constantly getting infections and never had before. She did all of the "avoidance" steps too but nothing worked and she was miserable. Finally the doctor suggested she and he use condoms. He felt there was just a bacterial mix between the two of them and that condoms might help. It did. So it might help to ask for details so you know what you're working to fix.

It's interesting that you addressed this post to the guys but the responses are from the women. Guess we know the UTI drill.

 

[Duvet_Thief]

Were you using condoms treated with spermicide? One of my ex partners used to get a lot of bladder infections and we eventually figured out that it was a reaction to spermicide... We just switched brands and she stopped getting the reaction...

 

[DrHappy]

Has she changed birth control? That can definitely change libido. Has she begun taking blood pressure medication or antidepressants?

Urinating shortly after sex is supposed to be a good practice for preventing UTIs. Was she doing that when she was getting the UTIs?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Has she changed birth control? That can definitely change libido. Has she begun taking blood pressure medication or antidepressants?

Urinating shortly after sex is supposed to be a good practice for preventing UTIs. Was she doing that when she was getting the UTIs?

That's very true. Also, I used to be prone to yeast infections a few years ago. I bullied my (then) bf to wash his hands before he touched me intimately and it reduced the number of infections I got by half. Now I seem to have grown out of it, weird.

 

[SweetErika]

That's very true. Also, I used to be prone to yeast infections a few years ago. I bullied my (then) bf to wash his hands before he touched me intimately and it reduced the number of infections I got by half. Now I seem to have grown out of it, weird.

Yes, washing the hands, cock and at least using mouthwash or something is definitely important if you want to prevent infections. With UTIs, just think - a man fails to wash his hands well between using the bathroom (or otherwise contaminates his hands by touching something a non-handwasher has touched or similar) and touching his cock or his partner. The bacteria works its way into her urethra during sexual activities, and she's likely looking at a UTI. The same goes for depositing food residue or bacteria into the vagina from the hands, cock or mouth...it could be yeast/vaginal infection city!

It's funny that you say you seem to have grown out of infections. I've found I go through periods of being more- and less- prone to yeast and other vaginal infections. Apart from strong anti-biotics, I've traced the increased risk to:
- Hormonal birth control and hormonal imbalances or larger fluctuations
- My nutrition, including supplements
- Water-based lubes (well, the ingredients in most of them)
- Semen (this has been the big one for the last few years - if we use condoms for awhile and then stop, my pussy freaks out at the introduction of semen, but then gets used to it after awhile and stops reacting; it's almost like I have a slight allergy that irritates things just enough to upset the balance and start an infection )

 

[kimbernee]

Were you using condoms treated with spermicide?

I'll second that one. Bad, bad stuff spermicide.

 

[Davidson23]

Thanks for all the inputs, guys. Let me clear a couple of things, though.
She is not the trying new things type. She does never initiate anything, we had a couple of arguments about how she never does anything to me unless I start first, and even then, she's sooo passive. She will NEVER have anal. I KNOW that. So many times I've suggested the idea. She barely talks during sex, she's not into toys, she's not into anything new or drity. When we first met, I remember she was screaming "f me" over and over (first time she had orgasm. I also remember having sex with her in a couple of publics places. she used to swallow, now she will not do it. Agh.

 

[red_jane_doe]

I will just reiterate that my last bout of UTI/yeast infection was sooooo bad, that I have felt at times that sex just isn't worth it.

I love sex and being intimate. So, the fact that I have sometimes felt like I'd rather not have it anymore, says a lot.

It was 3 weeks of antibiotics because the usual round didn't touch it. It was very different than the others. I even had sharp, stabbing pain near the urethra, not the usual bladder discomfort.

For me, it has been with condoms and without condoms. With some partners, it never happened. With others, it happened all the time. I make sure that I am as clean as possible. I use the bathroom before and after. I start drinking cranberry juice before, if I know ahead of time. My next sexual partner will have to be willing to wash his hands and clean himself immediately before playing. I'm sure some guys won't like that it takes away from the spontaneity and that's fine. I don't have insurance so going to the doctor over and over for recurring UTI's and then having to buy the yeast medicine to take care of things after taking the antibiotics, is way too expenisive and just painful.

I wouldn't rule out that the negative physical effects are just outweighing the sexual pleasure.

 

[witch_baby]

I don't really have much to say about your relationship, except this- do you think the infections put her off sex, or that her sex drive had already kind of dropped? Perhaps it's more than simply a physical reaction - sex is a point of contention with you guys now, you're stressing about it etc. etc... Maybe that isn't helping?

On the physical side of things, I feel for your gf re: infections. My bf and I had a similar problem - started off all good, sex day and night and then one day, out of nowhere, it seemed like every time we had sex I'd end up with either a serious UTI (to the point of needing antibiotics) or thrush or both. This made our sex life quite difficult because not only was I stressing that I'd end up with an infection whenever we had sex (a thought that doesn't exactly turn you on, let me tell you), my bf was constantly worried that having sex would 'hurt me', and not the good kind of hurt. It put us in a similar place to where you are now.

I reiterate what's been said above about cotton underwear, not using fabric softener, not washing the vagina with soap or wearing tight clothes on that area. Also, UTI's are linked to high sugar intake so if your gf could cut the sugar (or most of it) out of her diet she might notice an improvement, which I realise is hard when most food in the US has added sugar/corn syrup. Maybe even consider the anti-candida diet which is basically a process of cutting out sugar, starchy foods, yeast and all additives from your diet. Constant infections can also be a sign of a weak immune system, the best cure for which is a healthy diet, adequate sleep and regular exercise, which has the added bonus of raising sex drive.

Good luck!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

It's funny that you say you seem to have grown out of infections. I've found I go through periods of being more- and less- prone to yeast and other vaginal infections.

You mean it's all going to come around again?

*reaches for the intimate wipes and pantyliners*

Dammit.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Maybe even consider the anti-candida diet which is basically a process of cutting out sugar, starchy foods, yeast and all additives from your diet.

This is definitely worth a try and you should check that her GP has ruled out candida as the symptoms can be very similar. A month on this diet (or even 3 months to completely purge the system) can make a huge difference to her susceptibility to infection.

It's also guaranteed to help her drop a couple of pounds if she wants/needs to as cutting out sugar and white bread products effectively dejunks the digestive system.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

She barely talks during sex, she's not into toys, she's not into anything new or drity. When we first met, I remember she was screaming "f me" over and over (first time she had orgasm. I also remember having sex with her in a couple of publics places. she used to swallow, now she will not do it. Agh.

The more I read about this woman, the more I want to scream Couples Therapy! at you. Whatever her rate of infection and whatever the attendant discomfort, this lady clearly has serious issues about sex going on.

Something has made her pull down the shutters, retreat into her psychological cave and refuse to come out to play. It seems to me that fretting over fabric softener and what her panties are made of is largely immaterial if she genuinely doesn't want sex.

Could it even be that she's not doing all she could to eradicate these infections because they're such a convenient excuse that she can use to avoid intimacy with you? She may not even be doing this consciously, but it's a possibility.

Bottom line is that unless you address these issues you're going to continue to have this problem with her. You may even have to negotiate seeking sex outside your relationship. If you can be diplomatic about that, it may be the kick up the ass she needs to re-evaluate her approach to sex. Is she generally affectionate? Does she kiss and cuddle like she used to? Do you still believe she loves you?

It's a shame because your lady sounds like a genuinely unhappy woman right now. She may have depression that's an exacerbating factor. Couples therapy might bring that out into the open too.

If she really won't work on your relationship or discuss anything in an adult fashion, you might be banging your head against a brick wall for a long time. If you're willing to do that, great. If not, you may have to ask yourself where this relationship is really going and what there is for you to build on if she's determined not to open up.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks for all the inputs, guys. Let me clear a couple of things, though.
She is not the trying new things type. She does never initiate anything, we had a couple of arguments about how she never does anything to me unless I start first, and even then, she's sooo passive. She will NEVER have anal. I KNOW that. So many times I've suggested the idea. She barely talks during sex, she's not into toys, she's not into anything new or drity. When we first met, I remember she was screaming "f me" over and over (first time she had orgasm. I also remember having sex with her in a couple of publics places. she used to swallow, now she will not do it. Agh.

Okay, so you had great sex for a year with her presumably having multiple orgasms within minutes, and now you've had infrequent, boring sex for two years.

When you were dating, or during that year of good sex, did she tell you she was willing to do or explore new things like oral, toys, talking dirty, anal, etc.? Or were you just excited by the novelty and assumed she'd open up to exploring as time went on?

How long did you date before you got married? Did you live together first? Have sex before marriage?

Apart from your sex life, how's your relationship? Is there tension over finances, work, illnesses, family, or similar? Do you communicate well, in a loving, constructive way and solve problems together, or does talking generally lead to more anger, hurt feelings, distance, etc.?

I think it's important for you to answer these questions because it's likely to help narrow down what's going on and where you want to go from here.

For example, some serious thought might lead to the conclusion that she wasn't the person you thought you married or your relationship has changed, and she's no longer the person you married. In all fairness, the same could be true for her: she might feel you're different from what she expected or currently wants in a spouse.

Another: You might realize there is a lot of tension, anger, resentment, and hurt between you two, and/or your communication is poor so you're not resolving issues. This can lead to being unhappy, or it could result from being unhappy, and result in a crappy sex life.

I'd suggest communicating about your relationship in a loving, non-confrontational way. Leave sex out of it and see how SHE feels about things. Ask her if she thinks there are unresolved issues, about how you two communicate, if she's happy in the relationship, etc.

If you have trouble with that or don't know where to go with the answers, I'd advise checking in with a counselor as a couple, or even on your own, if she won't go. A good therapist can give you ideas on how to communicate, solve problems and help you figure out what would be best for you in terms of the future of the relationship.

A successful relationship, including a fulfilling sex life, takes a lot of hard work from BOTH people. It requires good communication, working together to solve problems and both people doing their best to make the other happy. It's selflessness, NOT selfishness, which is something it sounds like you two aren't focusing on.

In short, it sounds like you two have MUCH bigger issues than how much or what kind of sex you have. Some of those may relate to sex, like being fundamentally sexually incompatible (wanting completely different things) or you being angry/resentful over your sex life, but I'd be willing to bet things like overall incompatibility, poor communication, conflict resolution and resentment regarding non-sexual issues are at the heart of the crappy sex life.

If you two are willing and able to fix whatever isn't working for you, wonderful, but otherwise, your best bet is to move on and find people who are more compatible with each of you.

 

[witch_baby]

Yeah, I agree with that. I was thinking maybe the infection was kind of a symptom of her wanting to avoid sex. You know, like a kid with a tummy ache who doesn't want to go to school...
Definately deeper issues here, which we can't relly get at without the full picture..

 

[SweetErika]

Yeah, I agree with that. I was thinking maybe the infection was kind of a symptom of her wanting to avoid sex. You know, like a kid with a tummy ache who doesn't want to go to school...
Definately deeper issues here, which we can't relly get at without the full picture..

It could very well be a symptom of avoiding sex. Maybe something else happened that turned her off sex, or perhaps it became a convenient excuse to get out of something she never liked in the first place, or after the (usually fairly short) "new relationship/novelty" period.

I agree completely, we don't have the full picture. That's why I'm hesitant to place all or most of the blame on her or suggest giving her ultimatums. She certainly deserves some of the blame (at least for not being open/honest)--it take two to tango--but for all we know, the OP could be doing things to turn her off sex or completely misrepresenting the situation.

Whatever is really going on, hopefully they can get to the root of it and figure out something that makes them both happy.