pillowtalk

[honestone]

On other boards the subject of intimacy is prevalent.

I must start with and addmission that I am self centered. So therein lies the genesis of my problem.

I have believed that saying the "things she wants to hear" is disingeneous and dishonest. But over and over again others have told me that that is what she wants to hear. So I asked her. and ,not so much to my suprise, she agreed.

So here it is. I am middle aged and lacking any experience in whispering those sweet nothings.

Please tell me what you want to hear.

 

[Jaybird3]

For me personally, I like to hear how well I do things, how to him I am beautiful, what it is that I mean to him.

How much he appreciates all that I do for him and for us.

That he loves me, I know, it goes without saying right. Not for me it doesn't.

 

[honestone]

jaybird 3,

I am weeping. Could it be that simple?

 

[tendril]

jaybird 3,

I am weeping. Could it be that simple?

Weep not.
It really is that simple.

 

[Bobmi357]

On other boards the subject of intimacy is prevalent.

I must start with and addmission that I am self centered. So therein lies the genesis of my problem.

I have believed that saying the "things she wants to hear" is disingeneous and dishonest. But over and over again others have told me that that is what she wants to hear. So I asked her. and ,not so much to my suprise, she agreed.

So here it is. I am middle aged and lacking any experience in whispering those sweet nothings.

Please tell me what you want to hear.

I don't really see what the problem is here. Intimacy involves much more than pillow talk, and far less than sex alone.

You could start by holding her hand, giving an unexpected hug, or just kissing the back of her neck when she doesn't expect it.

I know others will probably disagree with me, but in my book, intimacy is showing your lover that you appreciate them, even when you're NOT having sex. It means things like holding hands at the mall, or running your hand through her hair while watching TV. It means telling her how much you like being around her, or saying "Thank you" after making love. It means things like laying in bed with her just holding her, or rubbing her back with no thought of having sex. Its little things like hugs and smiles, jokes and little caresses. Its pillow fights that end up with you both giggling like kids on the bed, its friendly insults that both know aren't meant to hurt. Its sharing experiences, good and bad, its having someone to hold when you feel like having a cry and holding someone that needs to cry.

Sitting her down and telling her that her eyes are like limpid pools of azure is probably going to raise eyebrows to say the least. But a phone call to her during the workday just to tell her you miss her will work wonders. Heck, even an email with those 3 simple words will suffice.

If you're lucky, she's not just a lover, she's your best friend, she's a part of you and you of her. Her well being is so intertwined with your own that you ache when she does. She doesn't need you to play Don Juan, but she does need to know you appreciate and need her as much as she needs you.

Intimacy isn't hard, but its easy to forget in the day to day living. We need to stop every so often and take care of the one we need the most in the world. Be thankful for them and appreciate what they add to our lives.

ps to alyx.... Have I told ya how much I love being with ya today?

 

[Jaybird3]

While all of Bobmi's suggestions would make most women weep, yes, it is just that simple.

 

[DuckLover]

Re: Re: pillowtalk

I don't really see what the problem is here. Intimacy involves much more than pillow talk, and far less than sex alone.

You could start by holding her hand, giving an unexpected hug, or just kissing the back of her neck when she doesn't expect it.

I know others will probably disagree with me, but in my book, intimacy is showing your lover that you appreciate them, even when you're NOT having sex. It means things like holding hands at the mall, or running your hand through her hair while watching TV. It means telling her how much you like being around her, or saying "Thank you" after making love. It means things like laying in bed with her just holding her, or rubbing her back with no thought of having sex. Its little things like hugs and smiles, jokes and little caresses. Its pillow fights that end up with you both giggling like kids on the bed, its friendly insults that both know aren't meant to hurt. Its sharing experiences, good and bad, its having someone to hold when you feel like having a cry and holding someone that needs to cry.

Sitting her down and telling her that her eyes are like limpid pools of azure is probably going to raise eyebrows to say the least. But a phone call to her during the workday just to tell her you miss her will work wonders. Heck, even an email with those 3 simple words will suffice.

If you're lucky, she's not just a lover, she's your best friend, she's a part of you and you of her. Her well being is so intertwined with your own that you ache when she does. She doesn't need you to play Don Juan, but she does need to know you appreciate and need her as much as she needs you.

Intimacy isn't hard, but its easy to forget in the day to day living. We need to stop every so often and take care of the one we need the most in the world. Be thankful for them and appreciate what they add to our lives.

You put it beautifully Bombi; thank you for being so eloquent.

As for what to say specifically after sex, you've already gotten some good ideas. "Thank you" is a good one, especially if you state what it was you most enjoyed and appreciated. I've gotten good results from describing what I liked best about what we just did, or how much her (re)actions turned me on. Because of the inherent intimacy of the moment and the feelings of vulnerability, it's often a good time to reiterate how much you care about her, why you love her (and the fact that you do). In your case specifically, you may want to ask your partner in a non-sexual setting what kinds of pillowtalk she would most like. It's possible she wants to debrief the sex (what worked, what didn't); she may want to catch her breath by discussing what you saw on TV that night; she may even want to just roll over and sleep! If you don't get a chance to ask ahead of time, you could always try saying something like "Tell me how you're feeling." Let her lead off the conversation and you just follow along.

Kudos to you for being willing to explore this new sensitivity and become a better lover!

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Bobmi357]

While all of Bobmi's suggestions would make most women weep, yes, it is just that simple.

Well it wasn't my intention to make anyone weep. I just listed some of the things my wife and I do. Sometimes I think I'm trying to make up for the lost 12yrs of my first marriage.

 

[Krinaia]

this may sound silly, but i like being told i smell nice

i don't like discussing the sex after the sex, a simple, that was good and some quiet cuddling is wonderful though

 

[BlueSugar]

well...right after... I kind of like my space to catch my breath, let my body cool down, my heart to slow down and not touch each other bc we're all sweaty and all that... but after we both cool down. I like to cuddle, if something different happened and we liked it we talk about it and what aspects we enjoyed what felt the best (sometimes this gets us up and at it again...) but as for the "sweet nothings" ... I like to hear that I make him happy and fulfilled and his feelings about how the relationship means to him. I'll leave a little stickynote on his alarmclock saying "I miss you" and he'll do the same (but leave it in the bathroom or kitchen) bc we don't see each other too much during the day.
:: smiles:: a month or so ago we were at dinner and he was paying for something and a few of the notes slipped out of his wallet - it was so cute that he collected them.
He'll call and leave nonsence sweet I miss yous "i just called your machine to hear your voice, i'm having a bad day at work, I hoped to catch you even though I know you have a class now..'' He'll remark if i changed my message, he'll leave hints on what we should do for dinner or if we're going out.
Make us feel wanted and needed, not that you can't live life w/o us... but having us in your life makes your life that much better.

 

[DuckLover]

If it is not sincere, I don't want to hear it. I'd rather live in stone dead silence.

Extremely good point PO (as usual!). Sincerity is critical-- sincere pillowtalk helps build a relationship; insincere talk damages it.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

If it is not sincere, I don't want to hear it. I'd rather live in stone dead silence.

...

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Netzach]

I get annoyed when new people want to get all mushy after sex. Shut up and let me go to sleep, you don't love me you just had an orgasm, chill out.

When someone's actually built intimacy with me, which is so much more than the friction of parts, then I don't really care what the talk is about, it can just be BS. I've been known to compare cartoon viewing across generations with someone 15 years my senior, once we've caught our breath.

My fiance is a very reactive, emotional, open person, quite girly that way, actually. I find I have to snuggle him and say nice things in his ear. Which I'm more than happy to do.

 

[Alyx]

Re: Re: pillowtalk

ps to alyx.... Have I told ya how much I love being with ya today?

Yep, you sure did

As for the topic of this thread:

Intimacy in the bedroom is easy. Being intimate with your partner outside of the bedroom is harder.

The sexual act itself is very intimate anyway. Telling your S.O. how much you enjoy being with them, the feel of their skin against yours, the pleasure they bring you, etc, can be heady stuff. And isn’t not difficult, even for beginners. Honest emotion will work every time. You just need to express what you’re feeling. It doesn’t have to be flowery or come with a bow.

Being intimate outside the bedroom may take a little more work if it’s not a natural thing for you. Intimacy doesn’t have to be verbal either, though it’s a good place to start if it’s something you’re not used to. The brush of your hand across her neck as you pass her in the kitchen. A kiss behind her ear as she gets out of the shower. Playing with her hair as you sit on the couch (I happen to LOVE this myself).

Don’t tie yourself into knots thinking up love poems to spout off during sex, or make this more complicated than it really is. I think you’ll find that a simple “God you feel good!” will work very well indeed! And part of the reason it will work well is because you both know it’s true. After all, you wouldn’t be having sex if it felt horrible, now would you?

Good luck!

~Alyx~

 

[honestone]

If I had asked the question a couple of years ago I may have saved myself some grief.

your answers are sooo to the point in my life and I appreciate your sharing with me.

I may be able to save this one with some concerted effort and alot of wanting to. I don't know I let it get this far.

 

[CWatson]

Hey, at least you're fixing it NOW. Sure, you may have made mistakes in the past, but don't mope on them--LEARN from them. Which is what you're doing. And that is a huge step in itself.

 

[sxylipsnsxyhips]

I enjoy sharing what was great about the sex and perhaps discuss what new position or toy we should try next time. My personal favorite is hearing "I am ready to go again!"

 

[lickmeslowly]

I love to be kissed and touched unexpectedly.....

 

[AvaAdore]

the most intimate moment i had with my partner happened a couple of weeks ago. i dont remember if it was after sex or not, but we were snuggling in his bed. i had my face buried in his chest and he was singing softly into my ear about how much he loved me and other related things. just soft singing in a gentle melody he made up on the spot.

he is always trying to get me to sing, but i am quite self-conscious about it. i am absolutely incapable of making up lyrics impromptu, so i sang some lyrics from a (happy) song by The Cure in response.

the whole thing was wonderful

 

[lilpriss]

Intimacy is much more than what happens in the bedroom...

It's anytihng that ONLY the two of you share, good... bad... and ugly. It's walking back in the room after going to the bathroom crawling into bed only to have your man throw the covers over your head and let one rip while holding you down while you scream... It's catching him looking at you as if you're a new person... while you're hair is up and your cooking dinner in old bummy too big clothes... it's having a saying that only the two of you get... laughing hysterically at something only the two of your twisted minds would think was funny.

Of course if you want to know what to say (specifically) in bed after sex... well, that's not scripted and neither is intimacy.

Although, ex GF's probably isn't a great idea... neither is your constipation problem... and I wouldn't really tell her she might need to see a Doc cause her twat smells like fish...

Just be yourself and don't hide your feelings to deep.

 

[ethereal~minx]

On other boards the subject of intimacy is prevalent.

I must start with and addmission that I am self centered. So therein lies the genesis of my problem.

I have believed that saying the "things she wants to hear" is disingeneous and dishonest. But over and over again others have told me that that is what she wants to hear. So I asked her. and ,not so much to my suprise, she agreed.

So here it is. I am middle aged and lacking any experience in whispering those sweet nothings.

Please tell me what you want to hear.

intimacy is being open, honest & vulnerable...it's being true in everything you say~~ about yourself and about her

you can't be intimate with her if you're not intimate with yourself.

start with yourself~~
do you know what you like? what is your favorite food?
when someone asks you what you want to do, do you say "whatever you want to do" "it doesn't matter to me" or do you actually say what you want? do you know what you want? like?
get in touch with yourself and she just might find thaaat is pretty damn touching!!!! it is NOT about ---what someone wants to hear, it's about where it's coming from... it starts with you

 

[bobsgirl]

the most intimate moment i had with my partner happened a couple of weeks ago. i dont remember if it was after sex or not, but we were snuggling in his bed. i had my face buried in his chest and he was singing softly into my ear about how much he loved me and other related things. just soft singing in a gentle melody he made up on the spot.

he is always trying to get me to sing, but i am quite self-conscious about it. i am absolutely incapable of making up lyrics impromptu, so i sang some lyrics from a (happy) song by The Cure in response.

the whole thing was wonderful

I just have to say, that is so darn romantic...>sigh<

 

[honestone]

thankgiving

It's been a while since I've visited this thread. I give many thanks to you,who I thought wouldn't know me, for your honest and loving advise and experience. I have be busy learning and applying your thoughts and I am making them my own.The results were,are, immediate and incredible. We had to agree to take a night off.

The most intimate and effective words are "I love you". I always thought it was assumed. Silly me.

Love and appreciation to all.
I'll be back soon.