Pillow talk: other people's secrets

[angela146]

If your lover or spouse asked you to reveal a secret, is there any secret you wouldn't share with him/her?

Does being married (or not) affect how much you would share?

If you have a job that requires confidentiality, does that affect what you will share with a lover/spouse?

My answers: If my husband asked, I would tell him anything. For me, being married makes all the difference. No oath, vow, relationship or cannon of ethics supersedes our marriage vows.

If my job required me to keep secrets from my husband, I'd quit the job.

If my mother asked me to keep something secret from my husband, I'd warn her not to tell me.

My husband knows what my sisters looked like naked (when last I knew).

There are a few things he has chosen not to ask, a few skeletons in closets he hasn't seen - but he knows where the doors are, and I would open them if he asked.

There are a very few details that I have asked him to keep from me, because I'm afraid of letting them slip. I ask him not to tell me the names of his students when he reveals things about them - just to be safe.

But I couldn't imagine either of us *having* to keep something from the other.

 

[Liar]

If my job required me to keep secrets from my husband, I'd quit the job.

You do realize that that invalidates you from a lot of different jobs? Doctor, priest, journalist, lawyer, therapist, cop...

Most of the time, the things that I'd have to keep secret in a job like that, wouldn't be anything of interrest to my SO anyway. So I'd expect her to respect that, just like she'd expect me to not do stuff that would risk her career in whatever line of work she has.

But if I had a job like that, and I found out something that was seriously important to my better half, I'd cheat and hope my employer never found out.

On personal stuff, I have no secrets. If I was serious about someone, I'd want them to love the me I am, not the me I show to people I don't know well enough.

 

[Recidiva]

I tell my husband everything. Everything. Even stuff he'd rather not know.

I don't hold a position where I'd be expected not to. Nor would I take one. My relationship with my husband is my first priority.

 

[Belegon]

My job requires complete confidentiality at times, as well... I accept that. My wife has no need to know the details of a client's business relationship with my employer.

In personal life, my wife is not me. We are separate people, with lives of our own. As such, she may end up knowing things someone does not wish me to know. I would never ask her to share something she had been asked to keep in confidence and I would never tell her something I had been asked to keep in confidence.

The key is knowing when to respect boundaries. In Angela's case, it's still the same... except the key is not to ask instead of not to tell.

 

[cloudy]

I'm torn on this, although I mostly agree with Liar.

I don't think that having secrets from your spouse is inherently wrong - everyone is entitled to some privacy, married or not. If those secrets don't concern him or her, or wouldn't cause him/her any pain, than I see nothing wrong with withholding that information, especially if it's something a friend or family member told me in confidence. My relationship with my spouse should come first, of course, but family IS family, and they will always be my family. I feel about many of my friends the same way.

There are things my best friend tells me that I absolutely will not share, as unlikely as it is he'd be interested in it. She trusts me not to share with anyone, and I have to respect that trust.

 

[Recidiva]

I'm torn on this, although I mostly agree with Liar.

I don't think that having secrets from your spouse is inherently wrong - everyone is entitled to some privacy, married or not. If those secrets don't concern him or her, or wouldn't cause him/her any pain, than I see nothing wrong with withholding that information, especially if it's something a friend or family member told me in confidence. My relationship with my spouse should come first, of course, but family IS family, and they will always be my family. I feel about many of my friends the same way.

There are things my best friend tells me that I absolutely will not share, as unlikely as it is he'd be interested in it. She trusts me not to share with anyone, and I have to respect that trust.

My husband is my best friend.

 

[N0madS0uL]

I'd rather have a relationship that's based on "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to" principle. That way, there'll be mutual respect to each other's privacy.

 

[cloudy]

My husband is my best friend.

You're very lucky.

In that case, of course, disregard what I said entirely.

(wait....didn't you make him up? )

 

[Recidiva]

I'd rather have a relationship that's based on "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to" principle. That way, there'll be mutual respect to each other's privacy.

Definitely.

But I wanna tell him!

Honestly, that's why we can't ever sustain arguments. There are current events and daily events and random funny things and sad things and cute things we must share. We have no stamina for not talking to each other.

 

[Recidiva]

You're very lucky.

In that case, of course, disregard what I said entirely.

(wait....didn't you make him up? )

I am very lucky.

And if someone starts a sentence with "You must promise never to tell" I usually decline wanting to know in the first place, unless they understand my husband knows everything I know, but that's as far as it goes. First, he and I find value in knowing things, but no value in spreading it around to anyone else. Other than each other, I guess.

There are even secrets I've figured out or guessed, folks on Lit, folks off Lit, and nobody knows I know, or we know. Sometimes a pattern is self evident and if I know the person well enough, I'll get confirmation.

 

[N0madS0uL]

I'd rather have a relationship that's based on "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to" principle. That way, there'll be mutual respect to each other's privacy.

Definitely.

But I wanna tell him!

Honestly, that's why we can't ever sustain arguments. There are current events and daily events and random funny things and sad things and cute things we must share. We have no stamina for not talking to each other.

My thoughts exactly. You tell each other your secrets if you feel like it and not by force.

 

[Recidiva]

My thoughts exactly. You tell each other your secrets if you feel like it and not by force.

Yes. I don't wheedle stuff out of him, either. If he's bothered by something, I will help him work it out, but if he wants to handle it on his own, I'm okay with that too.

 

[Emperor_Nero]

Both my wife and I share pretty much everything. I'm sure there are things we haven't told one another, but mostly because we haven't asked each other about it. We are lovers and best friends and trust each other implicitly.

Still, there is a respect for when secrets must be kept. We both have jobs that require a certain amount of confidentiality to clients, accounts and private information and we both respect that. Not to say that there aren't things we know about each other's jobs that we probably shouldn't, but we respect that. We also know that if we tell the other a secret, that's where it stops.

 

[3113]

If my job required me to keep secrets from my husband, I'd quit the job.

You do realize that that invalidates you from a lot of different jobs? Doctor, priest, journalist, lawyer, therapist, cop...

Not to mention being on a jury

My husband is certainly my best friend and knows more about me than anyone. I'd tell him things I'd never tell anyone else and have. BUT I'd never *ASK* him to tell me things that he wasn't comfortable telling me. And I assume vice versa. Which is why such questions are odd to me:

"If your lover or spouse asked you to reveal a secret, is there any secret you wouldn't share with him/her?"

My lover wouldn't ask me to reveal any secret--or if he did, he knows me well enough and is considerate enough not to ask me to reveal that which would make me feel uncomfortable.

As for this one: "If you have a job that requires confidentiality, does that affect what you will share with a lover/spouse?"

Again, if I had such a job, my lover wouldn't ask me to share that confidentiality. So it wouldn't affect anything.

I guess what I'm asking is: Why be with anyone who would pry that way, or demand that you tell them every private, embarassing moment of your life, every secret told to you in confidence by a friend, every bit of information that is between you and a client? I'd NEVER be with a person like that. Would you?

So here's a counter question: If your lover wanted to go away for a few days, just to be on his/her own, would you be willing to not only let them go, but not ask them where they were going or what they were going to do? When they returned, would you still be able to refrain from asking them to tell you where they'd gone and what they'd done?

When my husband said he needed a few days on his own, I let him know that it was fine with me; I wasn't even going to ask him where he was going to go or what he was going to do. I still don't know where he went. I know he had a good time and undoubtedly saw friends. I don't need to know anything more. And my being able to do that with him is, IMHO, far more important to our relationship then being able to reveal secrets and confidences of any kind.

Spilling your guts is easy. People will tell Priests, therapists, even co-workers everything and anything. Letting someone keep their secrets...that's hard. There's a marvelous short story about that by Theodore Sturgeon: "Graveyard Reader." It's a wonderful story about a man who had a secretive lover, now dead. While at her grave, he meets a man who knows how to read "graves" like books, learning all the secrets of the person buried there. The man asks the graveyard reader to teach him this skill so he can finally find out all the things his lover kept from him.

Check it out at the library sometime and give it a read.

 

[FatDino]

This is why being single is such an advantage. You don't have to feel guilty about keeping secrets from anyone.

 

[cloudy]

So here's a counter question: If your lover wanted to go away for a few days, just to be on his/her own, would you be willing to not only let them go, but not ask them where they were going or what they were going to do? When they returned, would you still be able to refrain from asking them to tell you where they'd gone and what they'd done?

Absolutely.

There's a marvelous short story about that by Theodore Sturgeon: "Graveyard Reader." It's a wonderful story about a man who had a secretive lover, now dead. While at her grave, he meets a man who knows how to read "graves" like books, learning all the secrets of the person buried there. The man asks the graveyard reader to teach him this skill so he can finally find out all the things his lover kept from him.

Check it out at the library sometime and give it a read.

Sounds good, thanks for the rec.

 

[Wildcard Ky]

I don't lie to my wife, but there's things I've never told her, and I don't ever plan on telling her.

It's all things that happened before we met. She has no idea about them, and doesn't know how to ask the question to get those answers. So I suspect that she'll never find out about them.

If she ever did somehow ask, I'd tell the truth. She's also smart enough to know not to ask a question that she might not want to hear the answer to.

 

[angela146]

You do realize that that invalidates you from a lot of different jobs? Doctor, priest, journalist, lawyer, therapist, cop...

Well, I haven't actually worked for an employer since college and don't plan on ever doing so (self-employment is just too damn lucrative) and the oath-swearing professions that allow for self-employment also mostly require advanced degrees that I don't have (getting into medical or law school at this point in my life just ain't gonna happen).

So, it's not likely to be a problem.

Most of the time, the things that I'd have to keep secret in a job like that, wouldn't be anything of interest to my SO anyway. So I'd expect her to respect that, just like she'd expect me to not do stuff that would risk her career in whatever line of work she has.

See, here's the thing: my husband is a teacher. There are things that he has to keep confidential. However, as long as he doesn't identify names, we can talk about it. *And* he needs the ability to talk to me when something is troubling him.

Besides, communication between spouses is legally privileged.

But if I had a job like that, and I found out something that was seriously important to my better half, I'd cheat and hope my employer never found out.

Exactly, the spouse comes first. In addition, if "your better half" could sense that something was bothering you, disclosing it in the sanctity of marital communication would probably be the right thing to do.

On personal stuff, I have no secrets. If I was serious about someone, I'd want them to love the me I am, not the me I show to people I don't know well enough.

 

[angela146]

My job requires complete confidentiality at times, as well... I accept that. My wife has no need to know the details of a client's business relationship with my employer.

In personal life, my wife is not me. We are separate people, with lives of our own.

There's the difference (and the point of the matter). I know that there are a lot of married people who have that philosophy, and I respect them (and you) in that.

But it isn't a style of marriage that my husband and I would want. For us, that amount of separation is too much.

If my husband kept career-important confidences from me, I wouldn't be able to help him as a sounding board. He wouldn't have me to help him question his judgement when he needed it most.

In particular, getting a woman's perspective on something a girl said that he doesn't know how to interpret or getting a non-teacher's perspective on whether he is being to hard or soft on someone.

 

[scheherazade_79]

I'm not sure I could keep secrets from someone I was completely in love with. Saying that, I once had a girlfriend who wasn't 'in love' with me as such - it was more of a sex arrangement - and she was very easy to squeeze information out of. She worked in a very secretive job, and got stubborn if I asked her outright, so instead I made bold statements and just watched her reaction to them. Eventually it would lead me down the path of the truth.

I can be relentless sometimes

 

[3113]

I'm not sure I could keep secrets from someone I was completely in love with. Saying that, I once had a girlfriend who wasn't 'in love' with me as such - it was more of a sex arrangement - and she was very easy to squeeze information out of. She worked in a very secretive job, and got stubborn if I asked her outright, so instead I made bold statements and just watched her reaction to them. Eventually it would lead me down the path of the truth.

You'd make a good spy. You should use one of these for your AV sometime (Mata Hari ):

http://blogimages.seniorennet.be/schaduw/498-4aa78adf2529e4b15914af4ba968676f.jpg http://www.go-gol.nl/images/matahari.jpg http://www.ict4us.com/r.kuijt/images/en_7wonders0.jpg

 

[impressive]

If your lover or spouse asked you to reveal a secret, is there any secret you wouldn't share with him/her?

Does being married (or not) affect how much you would share?

If you have a job that requires confidentiality, does that affect what you will share with a lover/spouse?

My answers: If my husband asked, I would tell him anything. For me, being married makes all the difference. No oath, vow, relationship or cannon of ethics supersedes our marriage vows.

If my job required me to keep secrets from my husband, I'd quit the job.

If my mother asked me to keep something secret from my husband, I'd warn her not to tell me.

My husband knows what my sisters looked like naked (when last I knew).

There are a few things he has chosen not to ask, a few skeletons in closets he hasn't seen - but he knows where the doors are, and I would open them if he asked.

There are a very few details that I have asked him to keep from me, because I'm afraid of letting them slip. I ask him not to tell me the names of his students when he reveals things about them - just to be safe.

But I couldn't imagine either of us *having* to keep something from the other.

If I promise to keep a confidence, I keep it. Period.

The type of "trust" you are describing is what I fear most about trusting -- that by doing so, I'm not only confiding in YOU, but also in everyone YOU trust. That frightens me.

If I share, for example, a naked picture of myself with you -- in confidence -- I want to know it's going no further. I want to KNOW that you're not going to share it with someone you trust -- because, quite frankly, who you trust is not necessarily who I'd choose to trust.

I will never, ever "require" a partner to share everything with me. Nor will I lie to a partner to keep things from him/her. I will simply say, "I promised not to share that" or "I choose not to share that."

It has absolutely nothing to do with how much I trust that person. It has to do with how much I respect myself and the promises I make.

 

[cloudy]

If I promise to keep a confidence, I keep it. Period.

The type of "trust" you are describing is what I fear most about trusting -- that by doing so, I'm not only confiding in YOU, but also in everyone YOU trust. That frightens me.

If I share, for example, a naked picture of myself with you -- in confidence -- I want to know it's going no further. I want to KNOW that you're not going to share it with someone you trust -- because, quite frankly, who you trust is not necessarily who I'd choose to trust.

I will never, ever "require" a partner to share everything with me. Nor will I lie to a partner to keep things from him/her. I will simply say, "I promised not to share that" or "I choose not to share that."

It has absolutely nothing to do with how much I trust that person. It has to do with how much I respect myself and the promises I make.

yes.

 

[cantdog]

I'd rather have a relationship that's based on "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to" principle. That way, there'll be mutual respect to each other's privacy.

Right on the button. That other way is just spooky.