Phrasing advice requested

[TarnishedPenny]

So, I'm finalizing a story involving a number of ladies and a young weightlifter. A couple of days ago, on an improvised weightlifting bench, he'd pressed two of the women at the same time, like a barbell. One of the women is now recounting the event. There are any number of ways of saying it and I find myself in a Moibus loop trying to decide. Some examples:

He’d earned a giggling round of applause three days ago by bench-pressing Quinn and I both.
He’d earned a giggling round of applause three days ago by bench-pressing Quinn and me together.
He’d earned a giggling round of applause three days ago by bench-pressing both Quinn and me at the same time.

etc

Thoughts would be appreciated.

 

[Emotional]

Three days ago, he'd earned a giggling round of applause when he benched pressed Quinn and me at the same time.

 

[ScrappyPaperDoodler]

Maybe break it into two sentences?

Three days ago, he decided to bench-press Quinn and me at the same time. This earned giggles and applause from the both of us.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Three days ago he'd bench-pressed me and Quinn together, earning a giggling round of applause.

Similar to Emotional's phrasing, but keeping it in chronological order. Whether that's important depends on how it fits into the story.

 

[NotWise]

I second @ScrappyPaperDoodler, though you need to make sure the wording is consistent with your narrator's voice.

 

[MelissaBaby]

“Round of giggling applause” works better than “giggling round of applause”

 

[yowser]

I agree with breaking it up (too many gerunds in the same region) but I am having trouble with the visuals (maybe you have set this up ahead of time and so handled it.)

But: both women stacked together like logs? A wench in each hand? If you don't do something to clarify I am going to be one confused reader.

 

[NotWise]

I agree with breaking it up (too many gerunds in the same region) but I am having trouble with the visuals (maybe you have set this up ahead of time and so handled it.)

But: both women stacked together like logs? A wench in each hand? If you don't do something to clarify I am going to be one confused reader.

I thought the women were probably sitting on the bar.

 

[Paul_Chance]

So, I'm finalizing a story involving a number of ladies and a young weightlifter. A couple of days ago, on an improvised weightlifting bench, he'd pressed two of the women at the same time, like a barbell. One of the women is now recounting the event. There are any number of ways of saying it and I find myself in a Moibus loop trying to decide. Some examples:

He’d earned a giggling round of applause three days ago by bench-pressing Quinn and I both.
He’d earned a giggling round of applause three days ago by bench-pressing Quinn and me together.
He’d earned a giggling round of applause three days ago by bench-pressing both Quinn and me at the same time.

etc

Thoughts would be appreciated.

Assuming this is meant as dialogue, I'd tighten it way up and move it into the characters voice. It's a really awkward sentence, unless the character talks in word salad.

"Three days ago, he bench pressed both of us. We almost died in a fit of giggling."

or

"Three days ago, I was with Quinn, and he bench pressed both of us. We couldn't stop giggling."

 

[djrip]

The real question is what limb was he lifting them with?

 

[SimonDoom]

Number 3, except get rid of the word "both" because it adds nothing. "At the same time" makes "both" redundant.

It must be "Quinn and me" not "Quinn and I" because it's objective, not subjective case. "Me" definitely comes after "Quinn" according to conventional usage.

I prefer "giggling round of applause" to "round of giggling applause" because I think the poetry/sound of it is better. "Round of applause" is a phrase better not broken up. Put the adjective before the phrase.

 

[MelissaBaby]

Number 3, except get rid of the word "both" because it adds nothing. "At the same time" makes "both" redundant.

It must be "Quinn and me" not "Quinn and I" because it's objective, not subjective case. "Me" definitely comes after "Quinn" according to conventional usage.

I prefer "giggling round of applause" to "round of giggling applause" because I think the poetry/sound of it is better. "Round of applause" is a phrase better not broken up. Put the adjective before the phrase.

Which is characterized as "giggling", the round or the applause?

 

[djrip]

Which is characterized as "giggling", the round or the applause?

I'd say 'round of applause' is a single thing.

 

[SimonDoom]

Which is characterized as "giggling", the round or the applause?

I think it could be either one, but I also think

1) since "round of applause" is a commonly known phrase, it should be kept intact, and
2) the poetry of "giggling round of applause" is better than "round of giggling applause"


This is all extremely subjective, obviously.

 

[MelissaBaby]

I think it could be either one, but I also think

1) since "round of applause" is a commonly known phrase, it should be kept intact, and
2) the poetry of "giggling round of applause" is better than "round of giggling applause"


This is all extremely subjective, obviously.

Of course. It’s a question of style, there’s no right of wrong. For me, splitting a common phrase while keeping its meaning intact is a plus, your style is different.

 

[djrip]

How can you bench press two people? It is not stable or safe to have two people sit on a barbell, and even dumbbells are secured with brackets on the sides. This entire scenario is clearly implausible, and in fact, it is completely impractical.

Encase them in latex and build a barbell out of them?

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Thanks for the help, folks!

 

[Voboy]

He benchpressed Quinn and me at the same time the other day. We weren't sure whether to giggle or applaud, so we did both.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thanks for the help, folks!

I'd have suggested the second version, it's got a good flow, to my ear.

Big guy, small women, I'm guessing...

 

[AlinaX]

He benchpressed Quinn and me at the same time the other day. We weren't sure whether to giggle or applaud, so we did both.

although the alternation soon grew confused, and only worsened when Quinn fell on her head and I on top of her.

 

[Voboy]

although the alternation soon grew confused, and only worsened when Quinn fell on her head and I on top of her.

After which, obviously, we fucked for hours.

 

[Trionyx]

It must be "Quinn and me" not "Quinn and I" because it's objective, not subjective case. "Me" definitely comes after "Quinn" according to conventional usage.

Correct. He didn’t bench-press I, he bench-pressed me. Add Quinn and you get ‘He bench-pressed Quinn and me.”

 

[Rustyoznail]

How can you bench press two people? It is not stable or safe to have two people sit on a barbell, and even dumbbells are secured with brackets on the sides. This entire scenario is clearly implausible, and in fact, it is completely impractical.

Well, actually...

And yes, I realise he's not flat on his back, but still, it's an impressive feat.

 

[shakna]

Three days ago, when he suggested he could bench press Quinn and I, we dissolved into giggles. After he pulled the damn thing off, that became applause.

 

[Omenainen]

I keep reading “Phishing advice requested” and wondering what on earth is going on with TP