Pet peeves

[Ekserb]

I hate those shoes. Just a new way of turning children into crappy drivers early on.

I rescind all previous peeves about these shoe skate things.

While waiting for a movie to start last night I had a chance to watch many people walking with their children in tow, typically dragging the kids along behind them as the little ones wheeled alongside. It struck me that the kids are forced to walk on their toes when not skating, and this is good training for the girls. Get them up on the balls of their feet early so they can and will wear high heels when they reach adulthood.

Nothing wrong with that in any way.




Hmm. This might not be the best thread for this post....

 

[monique1971]

I rescind all previous peeves about these shoe skate things.

While waiting for a movie to start last night I had a chance to watch many people walking with their children in tow, typically dragging the kids along behind them as the little ones wheeled alongside. It struck me that the kids are forced to walk on their toes when not skating, and this is good training for the girls. Get them up on the balls of their feet early so they can and will wear high heels when they reach adulthood.

Nothing wrong with that in any way.

Boys wear those wheelie shoes too, don't they? What are they training for, careers as drag performers?

 

[Ekserb]

Boys wear those wheelie shoes too, don't they? What are they training for, careers as drag performers?

I care not about the boys. I only want women to wear higher heels.

 

[monique1971]

I care not about the boys. I only want women to wear higher heels.

That's really the only thing you want? I'm skeptical.

Or maybe you have a misplaced modifier there, my love.

 

[Lorali82]

I hate those shoes. Just a new way of turning children into crappy drivers early on.
Dammit.
Can you tell I'm bitter? One of those little pissers will probably kill me one day.

I find those shoes to be a refreshing anomaly in this world of safety scissors, molded plastic playgrounds, and Easy-Bake Oven recalls.

 

[bluebell]

Not funny

I find those shoes to be a refreshing anomaly in this world of safety scissors, molded plastic playgrounds, and Easy-Bake Oven recalls.

Oh yes. I read about those.
My boss actually wanted to get one for his niece (who is made a total fuss over), but I tried to convince him to just buy her an island instead.

 

[Ekserb]

Planned obsolescence.

The number of garden sprayers that I have owned cannot be easily counted. Why? Not because I've lost them, that's for sure. It's because the fucking things are designed to fail.

The latest one is cast from metal and painted with a nice green paint that has yet to show any signs of wear. The rotating head that allows me to select from six different spray modes still works like new. Where it attaches to the garden hose has never leaked.

So what's the problem? The fucking lever that actuates the water flow. The cheap plastic has cracked right where it contacts the shut-off valve plunger at the rear of the device. Its days of its remaining usability are numbered. Soon it will break and be serviceable only as a paperweight.

Why can't this part be stainless steel? Hell, why can't the whole thing be stainless steel? Water passes through it; wouldn't a non-corrosive material be a good idea? Am I the only person thinking of these things? After ramping up for mass production, would the use of stainless make such a huge dent in the return-on-investment? I mean, charge a couple bucks more and people would still line up to buy a fucking garden sprayer that will last a lifetime.

Maybe this idea has already been tried. I don't know. Maybe when that company invented the best mousetrap ever, the competition flooded the market with shit sprayers for less than a dollar each, and when shoppers are presented with greatness or dirt-cheap, they usually gravitate toward saving a few pennies. "Hell, for that price, I can buy a new one every year for less than the cost of the better one."

Mother fuckers. All of 'em.

 

[trysail]

Can anybody out there spell?


I've been stifling this peeve but I've had it up to here and I am unable to restrain myself any longer. I know there have been complaints on this board about the inability of people to use good grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure. This peeve is even more fundamental. In fact, it's downright basic.

Why is it that people are incapable of simple spelling? It's incredible. It's mind-boggling. It's beyond belief. On a website named LITerotica, for God's sake, you'd think that folk would be able to correctly spell words at the effin' third grade level. But, nooooooooooooooooooooo! Mencken called the U.S. "a commonwealth of morons." This is one more piece of evidence in favor of his judgment.

A day doesn't pass when I don't see "beleive" or a similar imbecility. It's really a shame that spell-checking programs were introduced. The only thing they've accomplished is enabling yokels to pass themselves off as educated.

 

[bluebell]

Bike Despot

Okay, far be it from me to trod upon the innocent, well-meaning bicyclists of the world, but today left me feeling the brunt of all the irkidness (yeah, I made it up) I've been harboring all summer.

It's been the year of the killer cyclists. They've finally rebelled and believe they're cycling in Canada instead of America.
It's Them against the Cars.
They want motorists to die.

Perhaps they're mad for all the past cycling injustices wrought upon their people. I understand. Maybe I would be, too.
But personally, I am not a prick when it comes to dealing with them. I give them as wide a berth as possible so they have no reason to want to move into deadly killing formation around my car.

But no. They're having none of it.
This summer they want to get us all back.
Groups of four traversing the tiniest bridges imaginable (cars crossing on both sides) during the busiest portion of a beautiful Saturday.
Cycling really slowly around astonishingly dangerous curves when they know a car is behind them waiting, and then motioning them to go around.
What the hell?
I almost got crunched not once, but twice just today. That is not counting the myriad other experiences I've already had.

So now I'm feeling like this is going to be some sort of Problem that needs Dealing With.
With uproars and legislation.
Damn bikers.

 

[Ekserb]

The Wild One ... on a ten-speed

Hehee. Killer cyclists.

Were they wearing black leather bike shorts with matching leather caps? Smoking unfiltered cigarettes? After you fearfully pulled over at the next filling station did the leader hop off his bike and walk over to you with his pedal cleats clicking on the concrete, pull a switchblade knife from his back pocket and threaten to "cut you?"

 

[bluebell]

Yeah, I said it.

Hehee. Killer cyclists.

Were they wearing black leather bike shorts with matching leather caps? Smoking unfiltered cigarettes? After you fearfully pulled over at the next filling station did the leader hop off his bike and walk over to you with his pedal cleats clicking on the concrete, pull a switchblade knife from his back pocket and threaten to "cut you?"

Sadly, no. I might have actually enjoyed that.
(From a purely "Holy shit, this dude means business" perspective.)

They were just the normal, helmet-safety enthusiasts clad in bright spandex which clings to their impossibly tiny rear-ends.
They're not even fun to look at or oogle.
At least with male joggers there's the possibility that they'll have their shirts off and will be appropriately sweaty and nice-looking.
<sigh>

Not...that I look, or anything...

 

[trysail]

Notice To Motorists

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:​

When I ride my bicycle on a public road, y'all scare the bejesus out of me (even moreso, if it's possible, than when I'm driving my automobile). For that reason, alone, I do my damndest to stay off roads.

In the first place, most of you are boneheads who don't know how to drive and who shouldn't have licenses, at all. Between yapping on your cell phone, speeding, listening to noise (a/k/a "Talk Radio" or "rap") at 140 decibels, worrying about your meeting with "Mr. Big" or watching the passing scenery, it's a miracle you haven't already killed yourselves and your passengers. Your 6,000 pounds of turbocharged, fuel-injected, 475 horsepower Belchfire VIII is a lethal weapon in the hands of a moron- and most of you are morons.

On the very rare occasion when I exercise poor judgment and venture on to a public road, I expect you to exercise the same caution, courtesy, and restraint that I do. If you have never ridden a bicycle on a macadam road, you may not be aware of the difficulties of riding a bicycle on the side of the road. There are all kinds of dangers lurking for touring bikes- from loose gravel to drainage grates that easily swallow my ¾" high pressure tires to the air turbulence created by large vehicles passing four feet away at 60 mph to simple cracks in the pavement that you are oblivious to since your fat ass is encapsulated in a leather bucket seat.

Therefore, I hereby give notice that if, by negligence or haste, you splatter me on the asphalt or smash me like a bug, I WILL gather my bloody pulp, RISE like Lazarus, and slowly STRANGLE YOUR ASS.



'cause, pal, if you insist on killin' me, I'll be takin' you with me!

 

[bluebell]

What a spectacular show! How Lynchian!

I knew it would come to this.

 

[Ekserb]

I'm getting really, really tired of ...

THIS

Please stop.

 

[Ekserb]

I just watched a commercial for some air freshener device (an Air Wick, I believe). The producers depicted the user as a mother giraffe with two teenage sons, and that's when things got weird. The "children" are warthogs.

If they're going to anthropomorphize animals with comically animated computer graphics, at least get all the species the same. Or am I supposed to believe that homeowner giraffes are also adopting the offspring of other animals? (How very politically correct!)

(I know this is a weak peeve. It's been a slow week.)

 

[Ekserb]

Again and again and again

You fucking people never fail to live down to my worst expectations:

Any female Lit member - "I like [insert any noun/act/taste/sound/movie/pet/car/color/etc here]."

Every other male Lit member - "Me, too! Wow, you are one sexy woman! PM sent!"

Just. Fucking. Stop.

Please.

 

[trysail]

Anti-smoking extremist nutcases



Age: **removed**
Weight: **removed**
Height: **removed**
Smokes ¾ pack per day; has smoked for 35 years.

Pulse: 58
HDL: 66
LDL: 93
Total Cholesterol: 174
HDL/Total Cholesterol: 1.87
Triglycerides: 73
Blood Pressure: 110/70
Body Mass Index: 20.1

Most recent time (last week) for four (4) miles: 32:23 minutes or 8:06 minutes/mile. Ran seven (7) miles three times in July at rates ranging from 8:36-8:50 minutes/mile.

Ran marathon in 1981 in 3 hours, 23 minutes, 19 seconds (a rate of 7:41 minutes/mile)

 

[FukenDubbin]

My biggest pet peeve has to be when people speak in "L33T/Elite" speech! Is it really that hard to spell nowadays, or are people just way too lazy to try. It really gets under my skin with all the "u's," "wuz's," "omg's," and "lmfao's!"

 

[Puman]

My biggest pet peeve has to be when people speak in "L33T/Elite" speech! Is it really that hard to spell nowadays, or are people just way too lazy to try. It really gets under my skin with all the "u's," "wuz's," "omg's," and "lmfao's!"

...not to mention it can make posts a little difficult to read... I guess it's all part of the 'techno-generation-speech'.

 

[Lorali82]

Is it really all that unusual to turn down airplane food? I really don't need three separate flight attendants/passengers asking if I'm sure I don't want a stale ham sandwich and a mini Twix.

 

[trysail]

Where Will America Turn For Facts?

Saddam's Dinos, Hillary's Space Baby Face Doom: Dave Shiflett
By Dave Shiflett

Aug. 23 (Bloomberg) -- As summer fades to fall, a mainstay of American letters lurches toward oblivion.

The Weekly World News, home to Batboy, the Risen Elvis and a host of writers who flirted with comic genius, is set to go toes up at the end of August, leaving behind only a pale electronic ghost at http://www.weeklyworldnews.com .

Published by American Media Inc. (which also publishes the National Enquirer, Star and the Globe), the News, unleashed in 1979, was always in a class by itself.

Indeed, it calls itself the World's Only Reliable Newspaper, and rightly so. While its sister tabloids chased after celebrities and their attendant parasites, the News could be relied on to pursue much larger game.

It was the News, and only the News, that reported Saddam Hussein did indeed have weapons of mass destruction: a cache of giant slingshots and a cadre of attack dinosaurs. A bit far- fetched, perhaps, but no less accurate than what various newspapers of record were reporting at the time.

Animal lovers knew the News could be relied on for up-to- the-minute developments in the wild kingdom.

A 1993 story featured an 80-foot-long dinosaur that ate a meddling scientist in the Brazilian wilds. The world exclusive included a photograph showing a beast closely resembling a massive horned toad.

Killer Kangaroos

Meanwhile, in Australia, a seven-foot-tall man-eating kangaroo was reported to have devoured 27 men, women and children. Eyewitness Cpl. Geoff Miller, in hot pursuit of the hopping death machine, noted that ``we always come on the same grisly scene ... blood-soaked earth, scraps of flesh and splinters of bone. That's all it leaves of its human meals.''

Habitat encroachment, we were thus reminded, does have its downside.

The News was also highly adept at lashing politicians, once reporting that the Clintons had finally adopted a child -- though in a perhaps unexpected development the infant in question was a space alien. Hillary never looked happier than in the accompanying photograph.

In the same spirit, a recent issue reported that Mother Nature had endorsed Al Gore for president. ``Al Gore will be our next president, if I have anything to say about it,'' MN told the News, adding that his defeat might inspire her to unleash a vengeful spate of hurricanes.

During slow news cycles, the tabloid would sometimes solve mysteries of biblical proportions.

Moses Studies

It located the original Garden of Eden (in Colorado), and last month it revealed the reason Moses's trip through the desert lasted 40 years. In a story datelined ``Sinai Peninsula,'' the News attributed the mystery to typical male behavior.

Rabbi Zalman Schmotkin-Fisher of the Moses Studies Institute (perhaps not found in the phone book) disclosed that a parchment map had been discovered near the ruins of an Egyptian chariot.

``It was etched by I Am's own flaming finger,'' the rabbi insisted, ``plainly mapping the way to the Promised Land. Remarkably, had they followed the Lord's route, the trek would have taken the Israelites about a month, tops.''

The infallible rabbi deduced that Moses had accidentally dropped the map and refused to ask anyone for directions -- as reliable an explanation as any.

Lastly, the News made room for heart-tugging stories about everyday people.

`It's Albert!'

A personal favorite featured a widow named Wendy Sherer who went fishing one day and hooked a big one, which she battled until dusk. Yet triumph turned to horror as the trophy was hauled on deck: She had snagged the body bag containing the deceased husband she had buried at sea some three weeks earlier.

``Oh My God, It's Albert!'' the headline roared, in direct quotation. A member of the fishing party noted that the odds against this sort of thing's happening were ``a trillion to one.''

Truer words were never spoken.

There is some comfort in knowing the News will be available on line, yet only of a limited sort. When one (ahem) read one's copy in the checkout line, one sent a message to the Enquirer and Globe crowd: You can have your Angelina adoptions, Britney's latest underwear crisis, Prince Harry's drunken haiku. I'll take attack dinosaurs, Elvis sightings and corpse-snagging widows any day.

Perhaps Sir Rupert can be convinced to save this esteemed journal of vision and hope. If not, a suggested epitaph: ``Here Lies the Weekly World News, Which Gave Reality the Whipping It Deserves.''

 

[Ekserb]

Random thoughts

In the course of my work day, I drive a lot. I frequently have to find people's homes based on an address. Seems normal, no? So who the fuck tears down street signs so I don't know whether to make this turn or continue to the next block? And you fucking people who live in this neighborhood should know better! How the fuck do people find your home if they can't find the street you live on? Put a fucking milk crate on the corner with a temporary sign attached or something! God DAMMIT!

------
Hey, fuckhead. In the Mercedes. Don't pretend like you don't know who the fuck I'm talking to. I see you creeping out into the intersection further and further until the nose of your car is just about scraping the sides of passing vehicles. Can't wait for that light to change, can ya? Well, here's your chance - it finally turned green and you're ... not moving!?! Oh, FUCK! On the cell phone and can't be bothered to pay attention to the traffic. COCKSUCKERFACE! Let's go! I will kill you!

------
Why does NPR hire the worst talkers to host radio shows? It's radio. The only way these fuckers can interact with the audience is with their voices, and half of them are notorious low-talkers, stutterers, or - the worst - wet-mouthed lispers. Maybe if they would project their voice the engineer could turn down the gain so I wouldn't be subjected to their fucking "mouth music" during the daily airing of anti-government propaganda, but the fact that they speak at barely above a whisper makes it impossible to not hear their wet lips and tongues smacking around inside their cavernous, sticky maws. If only they would put The Splendid Table on five times a week - the sound of people eating on the radio would give me the necessary encouragement to puncture my own eardrums with a ball-point pen.

 

[Lorali82]

Why does NPR hire the worst talkers to host radio shows? It's radio. The only way these fuckers can interact with the audience is with their voices, and half of them are notorious low-talkers, stutterers, or - the worst - wet-mouthed lispers. Maybe if they would project their voice the engineer could turn down the gain so I wouldn't be subjected to their fucking "mouth music" during the daily airing of anti-government propaganda, but the fact that they speak at barely above a whisper makes it impossible to not hear their wet lips and tongues smacking around inside their cavernous, sticky maws. If only they would put The Splendid Table on five times a week - the sound of people eating on the radio would give me the necessary encouragement to puncture my own eardrums with a ball-point pen.

This reads like poetry.

But actually, I think I fell in love with one of these notorious NPR low-talkers the other day when he confessed after a particularly raucous orchestral number that it had inspired him to do some "air-conducting." And then he expressed a wish that he'd hoped us listeners had been doing the same. So he wouldn't feel like such a loser. He did not explicitly articulate that last sentiment, but it was implied.

 

[trysail]

NPR and, god help us all, Daniel Schorr

Why does NPR hire the worst talkers to host radio shows? It's radio. The only way these fuckers can interact with the audience is with their voices, and half of them are notorious low-talkers, stutterers, or - the worst - wet-mouthed lispers. Maybe if they would project their voice the engineer could turn down the gain so I wouldn't be subjected to their fucking "mouth music" during the daily airing of anti-government propaganda, but the fact that they speak at barely above a whisper makes it impossible to not hear their wet lips and tongues smacking around inside their cavernous, sticky maws...
... would give me the necessary encouragement to puncture my own eardrums with a ball-point pen.

Jeeeezus!

DO NOT, under any circumstance, get me started on Daniel Schorr, Scott Simon, or Terry Gross!

God damnit! It's too late. You've done it. Where do they find these people? All of us know how much better the world would be if we'd just had the good sense to appoint Daniel Schorr as the world's dictator. That, in any event, is apparently Daniel Schorr's belief. The guy is a "never was," "has been" with a terminal case of logorrhea. If ever there was someone who liked the sound of his own voice, it's him. I'll bet he goes home and listens to tapes of his own broadcasts. Would somebody please, please, please shoot this old horse and put him (and us) out of misery.

 

[Ekserb]

When I wake up in the morning, I clear my throat. Even before I open my eyes. You know why? Because I don't want to be subjected to the wet crackling of phlegm as air passes across my own vocal chords. I can't stand it. And if, during the course of my day, I hear a bit of wetness in my voice, I stop whatever I'm saying and clear that shit out.

Apparently NPR uses the ability to tolerate this sound as a hiring discriminator.