Personal Thoughts

[thiscouldbtricky]

I tell my friends all the time that I would love to not be single anymore, to be involved in a committed relationship with someone. And I know that's true on several levels. Yet, I can't seem to stop holding men at arms length, I keep my distance and my guard up. I pick men apart, I find a flaw that I just can't put up with, every time a man is interested.
Maybe I'm afraid he'll find mine, so I find his first. Somewhere along the line, I know I moved far beyond just being picky, to being nearly impossible to please. I recognize this as a defense mechanism, I've seen too many lies, unfaithfulness, and men truly not worth the time, that all men started to automatically become part of that category. For my own protection, I keep telling myself. But where does it end? At what point do I decide that having high standards is not the same as giving someone a chance to prove their worth? Am I waiting for some fictional knight in shining armor to tear down my walls of self-preservation? No one wants to work that hard, not anymore, when the alternative is so much less complicated.

Just some thoughts.

 

[Madcapsule]

I tell my friends all the time that I would love to not be single anymore, to be involved in a committed relationship with someone. And I know that's true on several levels. Yet, I can't seem to stop holding men at arms length, I keep my distance and my guard up. I pick men apart, I find a flaw that I just can't put up with, every time a man is interested.
Maybe I'm afraid he'll find mine, so I find his first. Somewhere along the line, I know I moved far beyond just being picky, to being nearly impossible to please. I recognize this as a defense mechanism, I've seen too many lies, unfaithfulness, and men truly not worth the time, that all men started to automatically become part of that category. For my own protection, I keep telling myself. But where does it end? At what point do I decide that having high standards is not the same as giving someone a chance to prove their worth? Am I waiting for some fictional knight in shining armor to tear down my walls of self-preservation? No one wants to work that hard, not anymore, when the alternative is so much less complicated.

Just some thoughts.

Does your defence mechanism stop you developing friendships with men? If a friendship with a good man, and they really do exist, is nurtured it puts you in a safer place in terms of trusting them. Of course it may make you feel more vulnerable to let them into the next level, but its much easier to concentrate on why its a good idea to be someone's friend as opposed to why you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone.. I guess what I mean is perhaps you don't have to have a polarised stance on being single or not. Perhaps you expand your horizons on where you find male friends and don't look to second guess what will happen next.

Some guys, will enjoy your company, your quirks and particularly enjoy making you smile. A lot of guys will not think any of that is hard work.

Isn't it strange how I think I know better than you about this... Internet forums eh?!

 

[mercurial sky]

How you're still single is an absolute f*cking mystery to me....

 

[thiscouldbtricky]

Does your defence mechanism stop you developing friendships with men? If a friendship with a good man, and they really do exist, is nurtured it puts you in a safer place in terms of trusting them. Of course it may make you feel more vulnerable to let them into the next level, but its much easier to concentrate on why its a good idea to be someone's friend as opposed to why you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone.. I guess what I mean is perhaps you don't have to have a polarised stance on being single or not. Perhaps you expand your horizons on where you find male friends and don't look to second guess what will happen next.

Some guys, will enjoy your company, your quirks and particularly enjoy making you smile. A lot of guys will not think any of that is hard work.

Isn't it strange how I think I know better than you about this... Internet forums eh?!

I have never had a really good male friend that didn't want more than that from me, to the point where I would begin to feel awkward around them. I'm open to male friends, I have a few that are like friends of friends? I suppose that doesn't really count, lol. Do ex boyfriends count? I'm still friends with some of them?
See, this entire issue is very confusing. And I'm really not the type of girl who goes out looking for a relationship. I would have one, if I were that type. And I mean no arrogance when I say that, just fact.
At any rate, so far, eventually I've been too much work for everyone I meet, because I hold them off too long.

And hey! I posted this so that strangers I've known for years on the internet would see it and put in their two cents! Duh!

 

[thiscouldbtricky]

How you're still single is an absolute f*cking mystery to me....

Well thank you. Thank you very much...

 

[BiTodd]

I am the kind of friend that is only good for fucking. oops, did I say that out loud?

 

[bluestate]

I tell my friends all the time that I would love to not be single anymore, to be involved in a committed relationship with someone. And I know that's true on several levels. Yet, I can't seem to stop holding men at arms length, I keep my distance and my guard up. I pick men apart, I find a flaw that I just can't put up with, every time a man is interested.
Maybe I'm afraid he'll find mine, so I find his first. Somewhere along the line, I know I moved far beyond just being picky, to being nearly impossible to please. I recognize this as a defense mechanism, I've seen too many lies, unfaithfulness, and men truly not worth the time, that all men started to automatically become part of that category. For my own protection, I keep telling myself. But where does it end? At what point do I decide that having high standards is not the same as giving someone a chance to prove their worth? Am I waiting for some fictional knight in shining armor to tear down my walls of self-preservation? No one wants to work that hard, not anymore, when the alternative is so much less complicated.

Just some thoughts.

This reminds me of when I was younger. If you asked me, I would have told you that I desperately wanted a girlfriend. And I was perfectly attractive, and had female friends, who even eventually hit on me. But for some reason I pushed them away. There was like an unseen force going in the opposite direction and unknown to me at the time. It turns out for me the fix was simply to move somewhere different and at that point everything changed.

You likely have some part of you that *really* does not want to be in a relationship. You should try and figure that out, and until you do, it's likely you will continue the pattern you have.

 

[thiscouldbtricky]

I am the kind of friend that is only good for fucking. oops, did I say that out loud?

Ha at least you're honest about it.

 

[thiscouldbtricky]

This reminds me of when I was younger. If you asked me, I would have told you that I desperately wanted a girlfriend. And I was perfectly attractive, and had female friends, who even eventually hit on me. But for some reason I pushed them away. There was like an unseen force going in the opposite direction and unknown to me at the time. It turns out for me the fix was simply to move somewhere different and at that point everything changed.

You likely have some part of you that *really* does not want to be in a relationship. You should try and figure that out, and until you do, it's likely you will continue the pattern you have.

Hm, I never thought of it from that perspective, you could be onto something lol

 

[LVLit]

Have a friend that is pretty similar. I can't figure it out either so you are not alone haha.

Actually I think in my friends case he is afraid to get embarrassed or hurt or something but I could be wrong.

 

[thiscouldbtricky]

Have a friend that is pretty similar. I can't figure it out either so you are not alone haha.

Actually I think in my friends case he is afraid to get embarrassed or hurt or something but I could be wrong.

Sometimes the best answer is the most obvious one. I've been hurt a lot and I'm in no hurry to have it happen again. And I feel like its almost inevitable. Maybe it's the same with your friend.

 

[LVLit]

Sometimes the best answer is the most obvious one. I've been hurt a lot and I'm in no hurry to have it happen again. And I feel like its almost inevitable. Maybe it's the same with your friend.

Well he is a pretty shy guy and has had only one real gf who turned out to be a real shitty gf and it was pretty bad. So yah it might have had a lasting affect on him.

I guess you need to have the right balance of waiting for the right person and giving people a shot.

 

[tigerstorm07]

I would suggest just taking a moment and stop looking for the one.. and look for someone that you truly enjoy being around for the companionship and friendship... and yes, realize that he's human and he will make mistakes, but if the friendship is real, then he would never intentionally hurt you... best of luck..

 

[thiscouldbtricky]

Well he is a pretty shy guy and has had only one real gf who turned out to be a real shitty gf and it was pretty bad. So yah it might have had a lasting affect on him.

I guess you need to have the right balance of waiting for the right person and giving people a shot.

We all have sad stories, it's just we all deal with the backlash differently.
I'm honestly not "looking" for someone, I never have been. There have been times in my life when I'm more open to it than others, but I never seek out someone to be in a relationship with. I think that would take the fun and surprise out of eventually meeting the right person. I just wish he would come out of hiding lol

 

[tigerstorm07]

Yep, waiting sucks.. Have a good night.. and best wishes that he comes out of the bushes soon for you...

 

[thiscouldbtricky]

Yep, waiting sucks.. Have a good night.. and best wishes that he comes out of the bushes soon for you...

Thanks for the creepy imagery, I'll make sure my window is locked tonight.
Lol, take care.

 

[bluestate]

Hm, I never thought of it from that perspective, you could be onto something lol

Let it roll around in the back of your head for a bit and see what pops up. That's the way I have been able to successfully deal with this sort of stuff. I find that thinking over and over around stuff like this is counter productive.

 

[Prince Albert]

There could be a lot of reasons why you do what hou do. How was your parents, other family members relationships? It sounds like you have been "burned" before.

 

[Sexy_Me0508]

You know darling...maybe you should just stop looking...let him find you...I know I might be sounding like the eternal romantic that I am deep inside but sometimes the best things happen when you least expect it...

I understand you perfectly because I am in a similar situation...I have sort of compromised (because I truly believe that MY kind of man is impossible to find - he is just too good/too fucked up to be real) but I do not wish that for you...A compromise at the end of the day will only serve to make you unhappy...

So just enjoy life and enjoy the company of those who come your way without thinking "maybe he could be the one." You do put a lot of expectations when you think on those lines and NO MAN will live up to those expectations unless they get to know the real you, once they know YOU, then everything will be clear because the one who loves you true will definitely try to live up to those expectations just like you would want to live up to his expectations...

Do I sound cheesy?

 

[AdamHaigh13]

I think we all have this defence mechanism as such, we all want the person we are with to be able to take away all the issues that we have. Each relationship is hard. Though if someone you like isnt fighting to break the barriers down and have you by thier side maybe they arent worth it. Though you need to know what you want from the relationship all things require time...







QUOTE=thiscouldbtricky;45591015]I tell my friends all the time that I would love to not be single anymore, to be involved in a committed relationship with someone. And I know that's true on several levels. Yet, I can't seem to stop holding men at arms length, I keep my distance and my guard up. I pick men apart, I find a flaw that I just can't put up with, every time a man is interested.
Maybe I'm afraid he'll find mine, so I find his first. Somewhere along the line, I know I moved far beyond just being picky, to being nearly impossible to please. I recognize this as a defense mechanism, I've seen too many lies, unfaithfulness, and men truly not worth the time, that all men started to automatically become part of that category. For my own protection, I keep telling myself. But where does it end? At what point do I decide that having high standards is not the same as giving someone a chance to prove their worth? Am I waiting for some fictional knight in shining armor to tear down my walls of self-preservation? No one wants to work that hard, not anymore, when the alternative is so much less complicated.

Just some thoughts.[/QUOTE]