Personal Philosophy of Dominance/submission

[FungiUg]

Someone recently asked me the following question:

What is your personal philosophy of Dominance/submission?

Here's what I put together as a response, but I thought I'd love to hear other people's responses on the question as well. So please, join in and add what you think.

I think my philosophy revovles around expressing fun, discovering the inner capabilities, exploring limits, pushing intensity, and having everyone coming out feeling amazed, stunned, fulfilled.

* Playing with a woman's mind

* Turning into a purely sexually focussed being

* Controlling her sexuality to express my own needs and desires

Having the sheer ego gratification of someone willing to serve me utterly, to the point where can reach giving herself to me without limits, knowing she can trust how I will use her and where I will take her

(I know the no limits sounds silly, but part of me is all about finding what works, and by nature I concentrate on that, so limits are implicit rather than explicit.)

Also, to explore my own limits and capabilities... to focus more on what in me can capture a woman and turn her into my slut, to become more mesmerizing and magnetic

But mostly, to create someone who becomes a focus of part of my life, who fulfils all of my sexual ambitions for owning a slut (as distinct from my sexual ambitions for a partner)

 

[MastrJ]

I have to agree with most of what you wrote. I think this paragraph of yours best encapsulates my philosophy.

I think my philosophy revovles around expressing fun, discovering the inner capabilities, exploring limits, pushing intensity, and having everyone coming out feeling amazed, stunned, fulfilled.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Not something I would usually answer in a shortened, concise way, but I will try. For me, and my reality, Dominance and submission is the symbiotic relationship between people of like minds who need, more than want, to have it form the fabric of their lives. It incorporates a shared responsibility, each different in it's expectations, reliant on the roles the people involved fulfil. It is a philosophy and relationship based on trust, honesty, challenges, continual growth, responsibility, communication, and intimacy that transcends all facets of the submissives life, and often the Dominants.

There has to be honesty and transparency in the beginning before an informed decision can be made by either Dominant or submissive as to whether they want to pursue the relationship together, and on what terms. Presuming it grows into a binding relationship, then limits are explored, fears challenged, and growth enjoyed by both to a point there becomes an evolvement which continues from one level to the next, ever changing, ever growing. The dominance is complete in that it covers not just the sexual, but also the physical, spiritual, psychological, and emotional elements of the submissive body. The submission honest in that it is given in trust without the need to maintain control, nor to dispute/deny obedience based on whims and moods.

Catalina

 

[WriterDom]

It's a celebration of the exploration of mind, body, and spirit. Sometimes it is art, sometimes science, sometimes service, sometimes ecstasy. It is intoxicating and addictive.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Not something I would usually answer in a shortened, concise way, but I will try. For me, and my reality, Dominance and submission is the symbiotic relationship between people of like minds who need, more than want, to have it form the fabric of their lives. It incorporates a shared responsibility, each different in it's expectations, reliant on the roles the people involved fulfil. It is a philosophy and relationship based on trust, honesty, challenges, continual growth, responsibility, communication, and intimacy that transcends all facets of the submissives life, and often the Dominants.

There has to be honesty and transparency in the beginning before an informed decision can be made by either Dominant or submissive as to whether they want to pursue the relationship together, and on what terms. Presuming it grows into a binding relationship, then limits are explored, fears challenged, and growth enjoyed by both to a point there becomes an evolvement which continues from one level to the next, ever changing, ever growing. The dominance is complete in that it covers not just the sexual, but also the physical, spiritual, psychological, and emotional elements of the submissive body. The submission honest in that it is given in trust without the need to maintain control, nor to dispute/deny obedience based on whims and moods.

Catalina

In this, as in most things, our thoughts run in the same path.

What a wonderful description of how *I* feel.

~anelize

 

[FungiUg]

Some great responses, thanks folks. Catalina, I can definately see why you are in a full time D/s relationship! And WD -- thank you; concise and eloquent.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Catalina, I can definately see why you are in a full time D/s relationship!

LOL...Not for everyone but it works for me and seems the only way it will.

Catalina http://www.logtenberg.info/sex/18+41.gif

 

[FungiUg]

An except from a PM (somewhat edited)

I don't denigrate the "lifestyle". I envy the lifestyle in some ways, but really, it's not for me. I can walk the walk, talk the talk... but not live the life. Does that make sense?

Now a lot of this depends on whichever definition for BDSM as a "lifestyle" you happen to have at hand. By my definition, I'm not a lifestyler. But by other definitions, I may be.

Why am I not a lifestyler (in my definition)? Well, I look around and I see:

One lover, not into BDSM (other than occasional threesomes), very much in love with me, but enjoys the occasional threesome fling with another woman.

Two boys, a house, a cat, a dog, a career, plans for the future...

So where is the BDSM in all of that? Because that's the majority of the reality that makes up my life. And don't get me wrong, that life is mine by choice. I had other choices, but largely because of the depth of feelings I have for my lover (i.e. in love with her), I have chosen that as my life path. My lifestyle evolves out of that.

However, at the same time, there is a large part of my sexual being which desires fulfilment with owning, possessing and using a slut. As you might well imagine, that caused my lover some consternation -- she's not submissive, and nor is it really a fantasy of hers. But it's not going away, and one thing she and I share is a common philosophy: life is for living and experiencing, not for repression and regrets.

So we found a way to share a submissive -- a middle ground. Which is cool. But the end result is I am a "dabbler". I don't have a slave, I occasionally play with submissives. I have a rich fantasy life which mostly revolves around BDSM or threesomes, but my actual reality doesn't entirely live up to that. But it comes close!

In the future... well, I may become a lifestyler. I may choose to have a live-in maid/slut in a Master/slave type arrangement. With of course, my lover as her Mistress. But... that requires several things. Firstly, her boys to grow up and move on to their own lives (they are in their early teens). Secondly, my lover to have time to adjust to the idea of sharing her home with another. And thirdly... finding the right person to live that way with us.

None of those things have happened. So... I'm not a lifestyler, I am a dabbler.

Having said all of that, I feel it is my right to stick up for those who are not (for whatever reasons) "lifestylers". Who don't live BDSM, but occasionally practice it. After all, that's where I fall.

As for not being Mr Bad Ass Sadist -- well, I like to play with women's minds -- that's what I get off on. Yes, I even do that with my lover, although not in a dominant way (more of a teasing way.) That's part of who I am. For me, inflicting pain doesn't do anything, so I tend not to go there. With a submissive who was a pain slut... yeah, I might well stretch myself in that direction. But the real thrill for me is capturing a woman's mind.

Don't get me wrong at all -- I have never once said I dislike [the people here]. Because were that the case, I wouldn't hang out on the Lit board. In fact, I enjoy you [all] very much.

I don't berate the BDSM lifestylers. I do object to those who insist that to practice BDSM, you must be a "lifestyler". Which I think is rubbish. But again, it does partly depend on the definition of "lifestyle" you have at hand.

I also dislike intensely the word "vanilla". Why? Because it becomes yet another "them and us" thing. "Oh, you're 'vanilla'". Can't you just hear the disdain in that word? Also, my lover is mostly "vanilla", and I love her to bits. So why should I not stick up for her? In reality, BDSM (like everything else) is a spectrum, not an on-or-off switch. Some people are more into it than others.

Also, "vanilla" is used by swingers to refer to those who are non-swingers. (I, um, fall somewhere in the middle on that one -- I'm not a swinger, but nor am I monogamous.) It can be used by the gay community to refer to those who are straight. Well, in that category, I am vanilla. It's also a flavour which, well, I'm not that fond of. *chuckle*

People are always a complex mix. Yet BDSMers seem to be keen on dividing them up into two types of people... those who are, and those who aren't ("vanilla".) Why? What about all the people who fall somewhere in between?

Anyway, to recap, I don't dislike the lifestyle. I don't dislike BDSMers. I do dislike close minded attitudes, and I do dislike the arbitrary division of people into BDSM and "vanilla". I don't dislike [the people here] -- quite the reverse.

Oh... I'm not perfect, and I will occasionally contradict myself. (Just to make your job that much harder of course! )

 

[catalina_francisco]

Fungi, I don't recall ever seeing anyone here put down someone for not being a lifestyler, though I see posts hinting/saying that lifestylers have it wrong and cannot/should not live that way fulltime. As to vanilla, it is a way of understanding what others are speaking about.. I haven't in my years in the GLBT community heard straights referred to as vanilla's though.....but bottom line is you need labels (if that is what people want to call them) to create some level of understanding in discussion, seeking like minds, etc. You do identify as a man, don't you? That is also a label when compared in the way it is used, but it is becessary in some circumstances to identify with.

My objection to the earlier posting that one can be a vanilla type Dominant without having any desire to associate themselves even remotely with BDSM or it's ideals, is born out of the response I expected it to bring in that someone can do what they like and then say it is BDSM only when convenient and needed to save themselves. That to me is like borrowing money from a friend and not repaying it until you feel ready to or see a purpose in it to your advantage, or never. I do not like to leave loopholes for abusers to slip through, nor do I like to provide them with a way to use a community I am part of to cover their asses.

Catalina

 

[Anna Sue]

My take on it

I found both post from you FungiUg
really inspiring.
One reason for me not posting much is that i don't want to have give my self a label.
I am still finding myself and the only thing what I am pretty sure of it is not “vanilla” but I love vanilla ice cream...
there is so much to it that I cant put a stamp on it.
I am for sure not a Domme in a typical sense but they are some parts of it I can identify my self.
This said I have the same problem with the sub side, to some parts I would defiantly say yes to it in a hart beat.
I think everything makes sense when you are with the “ right” partner/s and then you don't have to give yourself a label. You know when you are in the right place.


Anna Sue

 

[Netzach]

I like your post Fungi. I always said I don't have a lifestyle, I have a life. I've rejected the idea of "lifestyle" ever since people thought to call being queer a "lifestyle" or an "alternative lifestyle".

Most of my life revolves around making art, making a buck, managing to get along with another human being, which is a project and a half for me even if he's my favorite person on the planet.

But when you scratch the surface, here's the thing. If I don't periodically feel served, serviced, adhered to, obeyed, worshipped or trusted enough to beat a body silly I go stark raving insane.

The fantasies and thoughts I have that involve sadism and control are the earliest ones I remember, and the ones that are persistent.

My philosophy of Dominance is fundamentally that since I am this thing, I'd better find a way to live it, be it, and express it in some way or the alternative is going to be very ugly.

Also that it's not that huge a thing on some levels. Skill is nice, self-awareness is critical, but it doesn't make my shit suddenly smell like gardenias or give me the answer to the universe.

To me it's about finding special someones who are responsive to me, and to the things I have to offer, and offering it to them.

 

[Limbhugger]

Catalina, when are you going to take all these wise words and put them into a book? Seriously.

D/s is what it is. I love to write and describe things but this is one of those things I find myself unable to get out correctly. So much I want to say and share. It ends up all confused and skewed. I am glad there are those here who can help me say what I want to and do it with so much more clairty.

Hugger

 

[catalina_francisco]

Catalina, when are you going to take all these wise words and put them into a book? Seriously.

LOL...Thanks Hugger, though I am not sure my words constitute wisdom as much as my reality as I explore and live it. Regardless, as I write, most of my words are copyrighted incase we ever get around to using them in a professional manner on a larger scale than to date. And as for your words, I find lots of value and wisdom in them too so don't feel inhibited, and please keep expressing your thoughts and reflections so we all can learn from them.

Now, though I answered in a post here yesterday, I was a little less than fully concentrating and did not say what I had to say in a way I felt expressed my thoughts well....so I will bore everyone who chooses to read with my revised version.

As I said before, I do not see lifestylers putting down those who are not the same on this board as often as I read remarks which suggest those who choose to have the lifestyle form the fabric and basis for their lives are misguided, strange, inferior, and just plain wrong. I respect everyone is entitled to their opinion, but also that opinion may not fit all and as such needs to read that way, not in a way which ridicules those who live 24/7 and committed to the principles of BDSM, S/m, D/s, whatever label everyone chooses to put it under.

I also do not feel it necessary on a BDSM board for anyone to feel it necessary to defend vanilla's. I do not see anyone seriously interested in converting the vanilla world to their particular flavour, just a desire to be allowed to live their own flavour in peace and without fear of prosecution for what to most of us is a fundamental need for our relationships and happiness, and which does not include non-consenting others. It is the same as if a straight (or closeted gay) went to a GLBT board and proceeded to defend their right to be straight when no-one tried to make them otherwise. I daresay to roll up and declare they get an odd tingle out of kissing their same sex friend on the cheek/lips, and they sometimes have the odd gay fantasy, but they are in no way gay, do not see it as a significant part of their lives, judge others who do as being less than normal, and need to defend their right to be non gay would be similarly viewed judgemental, unnecessary, and derogatory.

We live in a world that is largely vanilla flavoured and dominated, straight protected, still largely male dominated and ruled, and definately white supremist...these my friends are not the groups who need defending and protecting...their rights already have been guaranteed protection in every sense for centuries. To come to any board which is a place for the less dominant group to feel safe to discuss their lifestyle and learn from peers, and raise the issue of defending the dominant by law group is just a bit off and rude to me. I know others may not feel the same, and I have no problem owning my statements, but this is a place for BDSM, not vanilla, and as such though anyone is welcome, it is hoped they would understand this is one place where BDSM is the flavour of dominance by whatever level of participation, interest, and selection, and respect that as the flavour we choose in whatever amount we like to consume and digest it.

Catalina

 

[FungiUg]

I do not see lifestylers putting down those who are not the same on this board as often as I read remarks which suggest those who choose to have the lifestyle form the fabric and basis for their lives are misguided, strange, inferior, and just plain wrong.

So much depends on point of view. Because to be frank, I see the reverse. I often feel that the lifestylers look down on those who aren't, and that annoys me.

Now... as I have made clear, I have nothing against BDSM as a lifestyle, although due to my life choices, I don't follow that path myself. I do get annoyed by being made to feel inferior in some way. So it's downright interesting to see that someone who is a lifestyler (and has my admiration for it), also feels the same way!



Thank you Catalina. I will apologise in absentia for all of those who have made you feel like your life choices are somehow wrong (whereas you know I feel that you have made the right choices for yourself, and I admire that.) I agree -- having our way of life challenged (whatever they may be) by someone who is close minded is always a struggle.

 

[catalina_francisco]

So much depends on point of view.
Thank you Catalina. I will apologise in absentia for all of those who have made you feel like your life choices are somehow wrong (whereas you know I feel that you have made the right choices for yourself, and I admire that.) I agree -- having our way of life challenged (whatever they may be) by someone who is close minded is always a struggle.

Fungi, you do not have to apologise for others, and thankfully I am of stronger calibre than to let a few comments from some who do not share my choice make me feel my choices are wrong. Part of that comes from being a survivor, and a big part to having worked through all the options and challenges to know what works for me. I just would love to see an absence of such competitive statements as are frequently typed which clearly display an intolerance for people who choose to live differently to the poster, and a clear effort to portray 'my way is the more reasonable/aceptable/sane choice', as opposed to 'this is my way and works for me, but I also see how yours works for you', and celebrating the diversity of this small section of the community alone. Perhaps one day more people will realise different is not necessarily better or worse, just different.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

ooops

 

[FungiUg]

I have discovered it is actually a difficult thing to write in a fashion that can't be read as judgemental. Saying "that doesn't work for me" rather than "you're wrong." Saying "I can see your point of view, but my own differs" rather than "you're wrong".

It's easier to avoid the inflamatory statements like "you're sick, perverted, etc" (although I don't mind being called perverted now). But sooner or later someone will take what I have written, and feel insulted by it. (It has already happened more than once.)

So, I try to be a little more open minded about how people phrase things, and question their intentions rather than assume they are intolerant. Of course, some people are intolerant... you get that. And of course, I'm still not perfect at reading what people are really trying to say.

 

[Netzach]

In my defense of vanilla I'm in no way advocating for the mainstream of sexuality or for a culture that's not sexually tolerant.

I'm simply pointing out that because I enjoy control and SM in my sexuality it doesn't mean I have the answers.

Or that my relationships hurt more on ending.

Or that I trust my partner more than others trust theirs.

All assertions that I see all the time among "lifestylers."

Why on earth should people be tolerant and nice to people who are constantly hinting that those not into their scene are repressed, dull, boring, limited, etc?

And yes, I see this all the time.

We're just different people trying to figure things out.

I also think that one can be Dominant without affiliating with a community just as a guy can suck dick without going out and getting him a rainbow flag. Hell, he can even be married and closeted and still GAY. It's not a seal of approval and there aren't a set of ideals we all agree to uphold, it's just a label, it's not a special illuminati club. Trust me.

Sometimes I step back...and believe me I spend a LOT of time on sexuality and I have a lot of copyrighted words on the subject, I even make it a career of sorts...

and I step back and I think to myself "this is not the big deal we make it out to be."

It felt that way while I rung in the new tying M up in white ropes over his black corset, thrashing his butt, having fun. Just a good time.

 

[Princessintrng]

I am submissive

in nature. I know that what I want is a full time D/s relationship; but like most, there are currently obstacles to that. I have met and talked to many people and it seems to me that we all have differing points of view on what we do and don't want in a relationship. Be it D/s, vanilla, herterosexual or homosexual. I think in any relationship there has to be trust and honest communication. As with everything, what you take away from the relationship is directly related to what you are willing to invest in it. I will admit that in the D/s arena, I feel I opened up more and had to trust more than in my non D/s relationships. Is that because this is D/s and I plan to allow him to tie me up, spank me, inflict a certain amount of pain on me? Or perhaps it is because my past relationships left wounds that have not completely healed and therefore it is not that I trust more, only find it harder to trust. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to live or love. I admire all those who have choosen to live their lives in a way that is best for them. Just my 2 cents.

 

[sweet_slave]

nice topic, good question ... i would like to offer my personal definition of submission too.

i identify as a slave - slavery defined by me here as choosing to give up my choice . . . surrendering instead of submitting. And there is soul-deep satisfaction in existing to serve no matter what the requirements of that service.

It is not about kinky sex, as much fun as that is. It's about surrender. There is a curious freedom that comes from knowing you have no alternatives, no choices, and can only react as your own true self to the situation you find yourself in.

i guess it is part of the attraction of such things as bungee jumping, skydiving and other "extreme" things which appear so foolish when viewed from outside but give joy and triumph to those who choose to do them. Taking our courage in hand and doing these things show us who we are: no equivocating, no time to craft our normal facades but instead we react wholly as ourselves.

And that, i think, is the highest, noblest endeavor that any human being can undertake: to know themselves. i choose to do this through serving a Dominant power.

~sweet slave

 

[FungiUg]

it's not a special illuminati club. Trust me.

Damn, no secret handshake then?

I think I disagree on one point, NetZach. While sexuality is not a big deal (as you say), we had to MAKE it a big deal to get through the centuries of nonsense and repression... and NOW it's not a big deal.

I guess for that we have our parents generation to thank. Does this mean we have to admit our parents had sex? Scary thought!

 

[FungiUg]

nice topic, good question ... i would like to offer my personal[...]And that, i think, is the highest, noblest endeavor that any human being can undertake: to know themselves. i choose to do this through serving a Dominant power.

Thanks sweet. A lovely exposition. I agree 100% about knowing ourselves -- the trick is we change over time, so keeping in touch with ourselves remains important.

Welcome to the Lit forum!

 

[FungiUg]

Re: I am submissive

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to live or love. I admire all those who have choosen to live their lives in a way that is best for them.

Agreed! Learning to be open minded about people and celebrating difference is such a hard thing though.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Dominance and submission...

A dance of passion where fire and ice can both soothe and torment. Power so subtle that the under currents linger in a room in an unspoken harmony. Where the understated is interwoven with the drama and cloaked in mutual respect for the diversity of the O/other.
Soft smiles of the hopeful and flashing eyes of the decisive!

hmmmm not really sure that will make any sense to anyone but Me ~~argh~~

 

[catalina_francisco]

Dominance and submission...

A dance of passion where fire and ice can both soothe and torment. Power so subtle that the under currents linger in a room in an unspoken harmony. Where the understated is interwoven with the drama and cloaked in mutual respect for the diversity of the O/other.
Soft smiles of the hopeful and flashing eyes of the decisive!

hmmmm not really sure that will make any sense to anyone but Me ~~argh~~

Makes perfect sense. ...and has a beauty to be appreciated.

Catalina