perky pounces on daughter

[daughter]

Moving this to a separate thread so we don't irritate those in the "new poems"

Re: Perky--Critique a poem of mine

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by daughter
and I'll post something new. Actually, I don't have anything I'm currently working on. I have revisions up the whazzoo to do.

May I ask what is it about my style you like?

Give me a theme and I'll see what I can do. "Stiff Twig" needs work. Any suggestions?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



okie dokie artichokie,

What I like about your style, mostly is how clean it is. It's clean and raw.....when you get away from those two qualities, I lose your imagery, and it sounds to hard and not from your soul. You have a real quality I want to bury myself in. When you go somewhere else, (I'll explain it better when I critique your poetry), I want to scream for missing you!!!.

SO, I'll do you better, I'll critique a poem I like and I'll critique the poems I don't, or specifically the ones that bugs the hell outta me. In doing so, I hope I don't hurt ya.

The poems I love by daughter are as follows:

Belle Isle, Bruised You, Center of Trees, chocolate afflicted, eating dough, harlequin: sista style, he says, Intoxication, it's an urban thang, my boy, No Time for Breakfast and pmbliss.

Let me talk about chocolate afflicted,

Wooooo hoooooooo guuuuuurl!!!! I know that boy, I've felt him he's real, and you wanted him.....and you had him. You speak in precise vocabulary....of intense heat. The sight....the want the need. No flowers, no candy...all caramel skin and raw power. Guuuuuurl made me wanna fuck him. BTW...liked this poem. Say this poem outloud, roll it over your tongue....dare you to do it without drooling, without purring. makes me wanna.....get it? I think this is the key to your poetry. The reality, the way it effects the body of the reader. Your imagery is a physical thing and I revel in it.

Now for the poems that need work<pronounced some I hate, and some might be saved, but they make me cry for the real daughter> They are as follows:

Poet's beginning: Open Mike, Chamomile Tea, Cingular Connection, Collaboration (For Lovers), Lilacs and Lemons, Number31, Tanka and Tuck Me In.

Which one to pick? <sigh> Maybe I'll just hit on a few points for the ones that bugged me the most. Some I'm completely apathetic about and that has to be a bummer for a writer. I understand that, but the knowing helps us move on.

so here goes,
Open Mike,
I've read all your poetry. This isn't you. When the hell have you ever called someone dearest one? Some excellent alliteration usage. The tongue plays with these words well, but I don't feel it. I'm apathetic towards this one. Your vocabulary isn't raw enough to incite physicality. I don't even want to say this one out loud.

Chamomile Tea,
This is a great start. I started feeling you...and then nothing....made me cry missing you. Now if this is the way you wanted the reader to feel, you should have popped the rawness, made it painful and quick, instead of building up to nothing.

Cingular Connection,
What the hell are you saying here? I don't get it. I was trying to feel it, I wanted to love it, but I'm missing your point.

Collaboration,
I'm scared of this poem. I could feel your pain in the editing process. This poem gave me a toothache. You're tougher than this. Maybe sweet is a side of you, but girl, it's not your everything.....please don't ever do this to me again.

Lilacs and Lemons,
K, this one was alright...almost made it to the "loved it" list. But again, I didn't feel it with my body, my tongue didn't want to say it again. I was diggin' the imagery, the soulful need, but you have a way with getting in the blood when you're on point. This wasn't one of those times.

Number 31,
felt you, but it was all cliche. I've heard it before and this wasn't fresh. Felt like roses that should have been thrown away a week ago.

Tanka,
and then what? and what actually were you trying to say?....I felt a few words trying to be a poem there.

Tuck me in,
godddddddd!!!!! how I wanted to love this....your interspersed quotes..damn I loved that. Reaching between giggles...how can I not feel that?...but it wasn't enough. You fell asleep too early. And I wasn't feeling why.....or why you didn't stay awake with the guy that likes your hair.

So, do ya still love me?.....cause I love your poetry. I think you need to focus on the physicality of your poems. Bounce them off your tongue, feel them in your blood. If you don't, scratch em....or fix em.

wet thighs and white t-shirts,
perky

 

[daughter]

throwing flowers at your feet

perky--

THANK YOU!!! Love your replies. Friend, a little honesty and candor isn't gonna kill anybody. LOL

I'm feelin' on most of what you said. Below are my sorry excuses.

Peace,

daughter

The poems I love by daughter are as follows:

Belle Isle, Bruised You, Center of Trees, chocolate afflicted, eating dough, harlequin: sista style, he says, Intoxication, it's an urban thang, my boy, No Time for Breakfast and pmbliss.

Let me talk about chocolate afflicted,

Wooooo hoooooooo guuuuuurl!!!! I know that boy, I've felt him he's real, and you wanted him.....and you had him. You speak in precise vocabulary....of intense heat. The sight....the want the need. No flowers, no candy...all caramel skin and raw power. Guuuuuurl made me wanna fuck him. BTW...liked this poem. Say this poem outloud, roll it over your tongue....dare you to do it without drooling, without purring. makes me wanna.....get it? I think this is the key to your poetry. The reality, the way it effects the body of the reader. Your imagery is a physical thing and I revel in it.

Well, I have an education, and I am from the hood. LOL I was being silly as all get out with this one. And getting the language and feel took some effort even though it's familiar to me.

Now for the poems that need work<pronounced some I hate, and some might be saved, but they make me cry for the real daughter> They are as follows:

Poet's beginning: Open Mike, Chamomile Tea, Cingular Connection, Collaboration (For Lovers), Lilacs and Lemons, Number31, Tanka and Tuck Me In.

Which one to pick? <sigh> Maybe I'll just hit on a few points for the ones that bugged me the most. Some I'm completely apathetic about and that has to be a bummer for a writer. I understand that, but the knowing helps us move on.

so here goes,
Open Mike,
I've read all your poetry. This isn't you. When the hell have you ever called someone dearest one? Some excellent alliteration usage. The tongue plays with these words well, but I don't feel it. I'm apathetic towards this one. Your vocabulary isn't raw enough to incite physicality. I don't even want to say this one out loud.

Duh, re-read the title perky. LOL Yours truly first poem performed live. And I got an enthusiastic response from the audience! LOL What you're not feeling the cliches, the ornate, silly language? I'm crushed. Gurl, I'm feeling you. I'm still trying to get it to work. I have a better version, but hell, after reading what gets read here, I figured I'd throw it and see what happened.

Chamomile Tea,
This is a great start. I started feeling you...and then nothing....made me cry missing you. Now if this is the way you wanted the reader to feel, you should have popped the rawness, made it painful and quick, instead of building up to nothing.

perky, I don't see everything as raw. Pain sometimes is subtle. You favor the tone and style I often use. The emphasis and theme here is change. This is about subtleties. A hammer is inappropriate. The poem is about shifts in relationships. The narrator acknowledges it. She does not declare it is good or bad. It doesn't hit her like a hammer and she doesn't respond to it like one. And hey, sometimes we miss the mark sometimes. Ironically, this has been praised as one of my best works. I respect that you disagree.


Cingular Connection,
What the hell are you saying here? I don't get it. I was trying to feel it, I wanted to love it, but I'm missing your point.

I write a lot about relationships and intimacy. Have you ever been in relationship that is distant either physically or emotionally. The narrator laments love that is distant.(see REDWAVE's review) I'll concede that perhaps it could be better. There have been times though that I have had to re-think and contemplate a piece to be able to appreciate it. Nonetheless, I am glad to hear how it impressed you.

Collaboration,
I'm scared of this poem. I could feel your pain in the editing process. This poem gave me a toothache. You're tougher than this. Maybe sweet is a side of you, but girl, it's not your everything.....please don't ever do this to me again.

Perky, I am holding myself laughing. I have been waiting for someone to tell me the cliches were choking her. I was working with another poet. This was his style, I followed his lead. If this hurt you, you should have seen the unedited version. Don't fret, this isn't my style and it was written a few years back. Now maybe folks can see why I rag on cliches so tough. We all have those poems we look back on and say, "Oh, my"

Lilacs and Lemons,
K, this one was alright...almost made it to the "loved it" list. But again, I didn't feel it with my body, my tongue didn't want to say it again. I was diggin' the imagery, the soulful need, but you have a way with getting in the blood when you're on point. This wasn't one of those times.

I've been working on this for some time. This is the best version to date. I believe that poems grow. Sometimes, you need to let them simmer. Don't give up on this one. Six months, maybe a year, you'll enjoy the revision. I prefer to write about romance in uncluttered ways and in realistic ways. I think this mirrors some relationships. What you like about my lean, plain lines is evident here. So maybe, it doesn't hit you at the core. Frankly, I don't think I write well enough to do that everytime. I'm working to be more consistent. I appreciate that you recognize when I do.

Number 31,
felt you, but it was all cliche. I've heard it before and this wasn't fresh. Felt like roses that should have been thrown away a week ago.

perky, you recognize my earliest work easily. That's a good thing. Yeah, and when you started writing you didn't suffer from cliche disease? When I started writing I focused on sound and clarity. I knew almost nothing about devices and my vocabulary was limited like most novices. I also was engrossed with open mike and the flavor of poetry it draws. You're seeing a young poet's beginning. I agree with your call on this one. Don't worry. I never submitted it to any e-zines nor literary pubs so I was spared the humiliation. Oh, yeah, I know it's syrupy as hell, but I still like it. I would not call it a good poem.

Tanka,
and then what? and what actually were you trying to say?....I felt a few words trying to be a poem there.

Tanka is a traditional form. The word count is dictated by the form. 5-7-5-7-7 is the syllable count. Are you familiar with haiku? Haiku is to be spoken in a breath. It is a moment observed. No judgement is made. If you'd like, I'll post links that better explain this form. There are three: haiku, tanka, renga. One of my favorite poets writes quite a bit in these forms. I don't pretend to be proficient.

Tuck me in,
godddddddd!!!!! how I wanted to love this....your interspersed quotes..damn I loved that. Reaching between giggles...how can I not feel that?...but it wasn't enough. You fell asleep too early. And I wasn't feeling why.....or why you didn't stay awake with the guy that likes your hair.

The title suggests it's time to sleep. That's why she doesn't stay awake. You're missing the message. This again is about a particular kind of relationship. It's not her hair, it's his. Go back. Why is his hair significant? I don't throw things in to sound good or cute. Why would his hair be a surprise? Re-read the last line. What does this woman long for? The same thing she wishes for in "Cingular Connection" (I hate that title. It's not the original) But hell, 'Cingular' is a neon sign.

So, do ya still love me?.....cause I love your poetry. I think you need to focus on the physicality of your poems. Bounce them off your tongue, feel them in your blood. If you don't, scratch em....or fix em.

Love ya more, gurl. You have given me great pleasure. I'm big on sound. It's the one thing I usually get right. Sometimes, a poem refuses to be molded and perfected quickly. I'm not in a hurry. I believe in the process. Sometimes it takes awhile. I'll post a work even when I know it's not done. That means I'm stuck. Feedback helps me understand why they aren't working. When you tell what works I try to build on that. When you tell me what fails and why, I have something to help me correct it. Ever know something is askew, but you don't know how to fix it?

Very glad to have your feedback. Don't ever worry about hurting my feelings again. If I didn't want your opinion, I wouldn't have posted my work. Once shared it's no longer just mine. It's a conversation between us.

Thanks.

Peace,

daughter

 

[daughter]

repost

Re: ((d throwing flowers at your feet))

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by daughter
Well, despite my's education. I am from the hood. LOL I was being silly as all get out with this one. And getting the language and feel took some effort even though it's familiar to me.

Spent some time on the streets of Spanish Harlem, married a guy from Jamaica, Queens....maybe this is why I get you, maybe it's why I love you. I know you see<grin>....we're cerebrally bonded.

Open Mike,

Duh, re-read the title perky. LOL Yours truly first poem performed live. And I got an enthusiastic response from the audience! LOL What you're not feeling the cliches, the ornate, silly language? I'm crushed. Gurl, I'm feeling you. I'm still trying to get it to work. I have a better version, but hell, after reading what gets read here, I figured I'd throw it and see what happened.
Thinking that as a readable first, with a crowd feeling you, the passion of reading your OWN POETRY allowed for an audience...I could feel it. I have a friend who also writes on this site, I don't get her poetry at all when I read it, but when I hear it, with her sound her intonation.....damn it's brilliant. Maybe I need to hear your cadence on this one. But let me stand by what you said, you're made of louder stuff than this poem portrays.

Chamomile Tea,

perky, I don't see everything as raw. Pain sometimes is subtle. You favor the tone and style I often use. The emphasis and theme here is change. This is about subtleties. A hammer is inappropriate. The poem is about shifts in relationships. The narrator acknowledges it. She does not declare it is good or bad. It doesn't hit her like a hammer and she doesn't respond to it like one. And hey, sometimes we miss the mark sometimes. Ironically, this has been praised as one of my best works. I respect that you disagree.
I think as a metaphor....the chamomile tead the amniotic fluid...the feel of the bed......excellent! Specifically I don't care for the break between liquid and inversion....it hurts my tongue. I'd like to hear you read this one, change my mind.

Cingular Connection,
I write a lot about relationships and intimacy. Have you ever been in relationship that is distant either physically or emotionally. The narrator laments love that is distant.(see REDWAVE's review) I'll concede that perhaps it could be better. There have been times though that I have had to re-think and contemplate a piece to be able to appreciate it. Nonetheless, I am glad to hear how it impressed you.
Love for poetry is in the rewrite....they are our babies. This is a ugly red-headed stepchild *wink*specifically your seperate verse the last three lines......I'm all for feeling your subtleties, and reading your blank space...but it's missing something before the disconnect. The poem, <grin> not the metaphor.

Collaboration,
Perky, I am holding myself laughing. I have been waiting for someone to tell me the cliches were choking her. I was working with another poet. This was his style, I followed his lead. If this hurt you, you should have seen the unedited version. Don't fret, this isn't my style and it was written a few years back. Now maybe folks can see why I rag on cliches so tough. We all have those poems we look back on and say, "Oh, my"
HEHHEHHE...let's just let this one go

Lilacs and Lemons,
I've been working on this for some time. This is the best version to date. I believe that poems grow. Sometimes, you need to let them simmer. Don't give up on this one. Six months, maybe a year, you'll enjoy the revision. I prefer to write about romance in uncluttered ways and in realistic ways. I think this mirrors some relationships. What you like about my lean, plain lines is evident here. So maybe, it doesn't hit you at the core. Frankly, I don't think I write well enough to do that everytime. I'm working to be more consistent. I appreciate that you recognize when I do.
You do write well enough to be consistent..like you said, poems grow. I can't wait to read this one again....it's gonna be brillilant. Wanna feel the heat.
Number 31,
perky, you recognize my earliest work easily. That's a good thing. Yeah, and when you started writing you didn't suffer from cliche disease? When I started writing I focused on sound and clarity. I knew almost nothing about devices and my vocabulary was limited like most novices. I also was engrossed with open mike and the flavor of poetry it draws. You're seeing a young poet's beginning. I agree with your call on this one. Don't worry. I never submitted it to any e-zines nor literary pubs so I was spared the humiliation. Oh, yeah, I know it's syrupy as hell, but I still like it. I would not call it a good poem.
<grin> I love cliches when used humorously, let's chalk this one up to an exercise towards greatness..lol.

Tanka,
Tanka is a traditional form. The word count is dictated by the form. 5-7-5-7-7 is the syllable count. Are you familiar with haiku? Haiku is to be spoken in a breath. It is a moment observed. No judgement is made. If you'd like, I'll post links that better explain this form. There are three: haiku, tanka, renga. One of my favorite poets writes quite a bit in these forms. I don't pretend to be proficient.
Reading again, <I'm just a girl with a verse....no poetry education>.....thanks for the heads up.....gotta love the internet for research..thanks guuuuuuurrrrrl!

Tuck me in,
The title suggests it's time to sleep. That's why she doesn't stay awake. You're missing the message. This again is about a particular kind of relationship. It's not her hair, it's his. Go back. Why is his hair significant? I don't throw things in to sound good or cute. Why would his hair be a surprise? Re-read the last line. What does this woman long for? The same thing she wishes for in "Cingular Connection" (I hate that title. It's not the original) But hell, 'Cingular' is a neon sign.
Reread...and I was mistaken about the hair.....what I wasn't mistaken about....yes you made your point, but...hmmm... I long for poetry to be deeper, maybe I did miss the point because you didn't make it deep enough. When a student doesn't learn something, is it their fault? or the teacher's?

Love ya more, gurl. You have given me great pleasure. I'm big on sound. It's the one thing I usually get right. Sometimes, a poem refuses to be molded and perfected quickly. I'm not in a hurry. I believe in the process. Sometimes it takes awhile. I'll post a work even when I know it's not done. That means I'm stuck. Feedback helps me understand why they aren't working. When you tell what works I try to build on that. When you tell me what fails and why, I have something to help me correct it. Ever know something is askew, but you don't know how to fix it?
hell yeah, I do....I'm working on a poem right now....it's vexing me, something in it doesn't sing.

very glad to have your feedback. Don't ever worry about hurting my feelings again. If I didn't want your opinion, I wouldn't have posted my work. Once shared it's no longer just mine. It's a conversation between us.
heard that....and when I get my ass in gear to post a few more<and my styles are all over the place>, I can't wait to get tore up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



wet thighs and white t-shirts,
perks

 

[perks]

ohhhhhhhh I'm out

eeeeeeek.........am I going to get blasted for digesting your poetry?......hehhehe......bring it sugah, I'm hearty stock.

wet thighs and white t-shirts,
perky

 

[daughter]

Nut

blasted by whom? Maybe my trolls. LOL How dare you like my work. You can blast me anytime.

I'll send you something soon. I have to do a critique for debbie. A nice lady. If you have time, please comment on her work, too.

Peace,

daughter

 

[perks]

Re: Nut

blasted by whom? Maybe my trolls. LOL How dare you like my work. You can blast me anytime.

I'll send you something soon. I have to do a critique for debbie. A nice lady. If you have time, please comment on her work, too.

Peace,

daughter

don't tell me more people want torture.....lmao.....I barely have time for you ......lmao....we'll see.

Where to post....on her stuff or here?....maybe we should have titled this thread perky pounces discriminately......roflmao

wet thighs and white t-shirts,
perky

 

[daughter]

Thanks for the kick

I'm going to try to do something with "twig", but I'm having serious doubts if I can salvage it. Ever feel that way about your work?

I'm not even sure about my voice with it anymore. ((shrugs))

Peace,

daughter

 

[perks]

I'm feeling you

<sigh>......I do know what you mean about losing your voice. I seem to be more inspired by other people's poetry than my own lately....quite frustrating.

anyway.....chew on this,

Truth Lover, thou dost know the facets of my heart,
In heated searches of my prism
Thou bathed, reveling in the colors of my fire.
Discovering supple brilliance, flawless lucidity,
Divine orifices, pleading to be filled.
Hues of flower, liquid and taboo
Effecting thee towards scintillation.
Rigidity reflected on sparkling cuts
Completed only by cock refracted


wet thighs and white t-shirts,
perky