perky bloodies _Land round one

[perks]

and here we go...

A Hallmark Poem
by _Land ©

I am not perfect
I will hurt you,
and I am sorry get rid of the "and" it muddies the flow

I will apoligize
consider your feelings,
give you space

I will be open
ask me anything,
I will answer

I will be silent
when you need to talk,
I will listen

I will be vocal your structure changes here, and I don't know where it goes
expressive,
unique

I am an individual
you are a part of me,
We are

sometimes I am hurt
I need soothing,
not salt this is a great way to say tears, in this one line you've captured the essence of poetry

when I seem hard hehhehe, this line screams SEX but you're still droning
remember the tears,
the soft side of me

when my strengths seem overwhelming overwhelm, not seem overwhelming
remember my weakness,weakness isn't a good word, ma
my downfalls forget this last line, every stanza is three lines, it ruins your structure

when I'm on my knees
either join me,
or pick me up

when I say I love You
its more then just words it's not its
its a promise and I remember

Capitalize the all the "w"hens.

First of all, this is hallmark, the title prepared me, thank god. Otherwise I'd be hurling. I know you feel these things and want to portray what you're feeling, but don't you think that these things have been said this same way a gazillion times? How can you tell someone you love them without saying "I love you". When you answer that question through imagery, that is poetry.

Second, Maybe the title should read Hallmark Vow or Hallmark Contract. It implies more than "poem".

Third, and last, This, as a poem does not move me. It doesn't knock me off my feet, doesn't make me think. There's no subtext.

so do ya feel bloodied? Round two is coming soon.

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Bloodied and Battered!

A left! A left! Another left! And a WRITE!

BOOM!

Is Land down for the count?

The crowd is screaming, and so is he!

I'm sure Land will spring to his feet soon and take the fight, maybe on points. But that was a brutal savaging... I love it! Will you take one of my poems to the woodshed and show it who's boss?



(This user is placing his bets.)

 

[beths-virtue]

fine, beat him up

and leave me here stuck with the peroxide and kisses.....

 

[lickmyboot]

Perky is a hard Mistress, but I agree with her here. I need more imagery...less "feelings". I can't believe I'm woman and I just said I want less "feelings" from a man!

This poem is too straightforward for my personal taste. I want you to show my how, where, why it hurts...not just tell me it hurts

 

[perks]

should I wait? or go on to round two?

 

[perks]

Re: Bloodied and Battered!

A left! A left! Another left! And a WRITE!

BOOM!

Is Land down for the count?

The crowd is screaming, and so is he!

I'm sure Land will spring to his feet soon and take the fight, maybe on points. But that was a brutal savaging... I love it! Will you take one of my poems to the woodshed and show it who's boss?



(This user is placing his bets.)

well, Land has a gazillion poems, maybe after I finish with him. I love when people ask me to edit them.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

should I wait? or go on to round two?

Round Two! Kick his ass while he's down

Good job, Perky

(I'll need you to tweak mine when you're done )

 

[_Land]

Perky baby, enough of the love taps

I like it rough Thanks perky i apprecaite the constructice crit.... it helps a lot *nibbles ruffles*

 

[_Land]

Re: fine, beat him up

Ive always wanted to be blonde, and I love your kisses

and leave me here stuck with the peroxide and kisses.....

 

[perks]

A sonnet for beths-virtue
by _Land ©

I am a proud defender of beths-virtue
I question not her chastity
her loves simple generosity
Beth's desired heart is tried and true


Knowing her for just five days time
Her open heart, Her soul reveal
The scars that love alone can heal
Removing walls of the pantomime


I a knight on lowely steed
Ride on to sweep her off her feet
I dont understand the word retreat
Willing to die to meet her need
I tried to keep love at a distance
Beths virtue shattered my weak resistance


counterpunch, it IS a sonnet<smiling>

*It's beth's. There aren't two beths. There's one and it's her virtue. If this is her name, then the reader must know her, and we don't. You're writing for a stranger reading poetry. Use the grammar and punctuation to say what you mean.

* "I question not her chastity" Then what do you question? Ohhhhh you meant, "I question not, her chastity" means two different things entirely.

*knowing her open heart, knowing her soul reveal? it's revealed. grammar<Have you ever seen that movie with the hockey player and the ice princess? I just said grammar like "toe pick">

*lowly, not lowely. And why would a knight be on a lowly steed?and it would be. "I, a knight, on lowly steed

*don't, not dont

*Beth's virtue

now for the fun part

When I refer to something as a cliche, I mean it is over used. Meaning, in my 30 almost 31 years I've read these phrases in numerous books already in print. I lust for a new turn of phrase in poetry. I've said this to you in the previous post, so I'll just write the list of cliches in this poem. Then in the following rounds I'll just yawn and say "cliches" and you'll hear the "toe pick" sound again.

proud defender, simple generosity, desired heart, tried and true, soul revealed, the scars that love alone can heal, knight on a lowly steed, sweep her off her feet, willing to die, meet her need, weak resistence.

it borders on plagiaristic.

However, there is one line in the ENTIRE poem that I did find to be completely poetic. I love hunting for your hidden treasures, _Land. This line Removing walls of the pantomime I like the imagery, I'd sculpt it a bit more, but you have the beginnings of a great poem with this bit here.

That all said and done, your meter is semi-workable, and I don't mind your structure.

Let me just add, this doesn't in any way reflect on your feelings, just the writing.

Suggestion, take all those cliches and find a new way to say the same thing.

 

[_Land]

My punctuation is absolutely terrible Thanks again perky I do need to edit something fierce on most of my work, ok.........all of my works......except twightlight of waiting.


It is so hard to see the shit in your own poetry, especcially when it has been 12 years since you seriously though about writing anything..... Hey you gonna make my ass tender anytime soon?


_Land

A sonnet for beths-virtue
by _Land ©

I am a proud defender of beths-virtue
I question not her chastity
her loves simple generosity
Beth's desired heart is tried and true


Knowing her for just five days time
Her open heart, Her soul reveal
The scars that love alone can heal
Removing walls of the pantomime


I a knight on lowely steed
Ride on to sweep her off her feet
I dont understand the word retreat
Willing to die to meet her need
I tried to keep love at a distance
Beths virtue shattered my weak resistance


*As I understand the workings of sonnets, this is not one, although it does have some of the characteristics. Two basic rules for sonnets, must have 10 syllables per line and must have 14 lines. Those are just the basics, there are a gazillion other additional rules.

*It's beth's. There aren't two beths. There's one and it's her virtue. If this is her name, then the reader must know her, and we don't. You're writing for a stranger reading poetry. Use the grammar and punctuation to say what you mean.

* "I question not her chastity" Then what do you question? Ohhhhh you meant, "I question not, her chastity" means two different things entirely.

*knowing her open heart, knowing her soul reveal? it's revealed. grammar<Have you ever seen that movie with the hockey player and the ice princess? I just said grammar like "toe pick">

*lowly, not lowely. And why would a knight be on a lowly steed?and it would be. "I, a knight, on lowly steed

*don't, not dont

*Beth's virtue

now for the fun part

When I refer to something as a cliche, I mean it is over used. Meaning, in my 30 almost 31 years I've read these phrases in numerous books already in print. I lust for a new turn of phrase in poetry. I've said this to you in the previous post, so I'll just write the list of cliches in this poem. Then in the following rounds I'll just yawn and say "cliches" and you'll hear the "toe pick" sound again.

proud defender, simple generosity, desired heart, tried and true, soul revealed, the scars that love alone can heal, knight on a lowly steed, sweep her off her feet, willing to die, meet her need, weak resistence.

it borders on plagiaristic.

However, there is one line in the ENTIRE poem that I did find to be completely poetic. I love hunting for your hidden treasures, _Land. This line Removing walls of the pantomime I like the imagery, I'd sculpt it a bit more, but you have the beginnings of a great poem with this bit here.

That all said and done, your meter is semi-workable, and I don't mind your structure.

Let me just add, this doesn't in any way reflect on your feelings, just the writing.

Suggestion, take all those cliches and find a new way to say the same thing.

 

[perks]

My punctuation is absolutely terrible Thanks again perky I do need to edit something fierce on most of my work, ok.........all of my works......except twightlight of waiting.


It is so hard to see the shit in your own poetry, especcially when it has been 12 years since you seriously though about writing anything..... Hey you gonna make my ass tender anytime soon?


_Land

why don't you pick 3 more poems for me, so I don't have to suffer so much. Your poetry is kickin' my ass. *laughing*

 

[_Land]

Three More


A friend lost, this wont really be out till tommorrow






Wonderlust
by _Land © also a new one for tommorrow




and one I know will be fun to tear in to!


Falling Silent
by _Land © I love this lil cliche poem, have at it!



Thanks again Perk, I wont have you edit any of the first ones I posted, I can see the need in those myself. I didnt even bother to seperate them into stanza's so I have improved some LOL

 

[HomerPindar]

Originally posted by perky_baby
*As I understand the workings of sonnets, this is not one, although it does have some of the characteristics. Two basic rules for sonnets, must have 10 syllables per line and must have 14 lines. Those are just the basics, there are a gazillion other additional rules.

A small point of clearification here, modern sonnets are noted for having 14 lines, the syllable count is optional, as is meter, rhyme, rhythm, and so on...Indeed, it can be said that the only thing that marks a sonnet as a sonnet is that it has fourteen lines. Gofigga.

Homer"only shows up once in a while to be a real nit"Pindar

 

[perks]

A small point of clearification here, modern sonnets are noted for having 14 lines, the syllable count is optional, as is meter, rhyme, rhythm, and so on...Indeed, it can be said that the only thing that marks a sonnet as a sonnet is that it has fourteen lines. Gofigga.

Homer"only shows up once in a while to be a real nit"Pindar

thank you, I got the other information from your lessons too, Homer.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

A small point of clearification here, modern sonnets are noted for having 14 lines, the syllable count is optional, as is meter, rhyme, rhythm, and so on...Indeed, it can be said that the only thing that marks a sonnet as a sonnet is that it has fourteen lines. Gofigga.

Homer"only shows up once in a while to be a real nit"Pindar

True. Not only modern sonnets, but even the 13th century, the 10 syllable thing doesn't apply. You must be thinking of iambic pentameter (10 syllables) which is a characteristic of the English sonnet (shakespearean) but it was never a defining characteristic.

Judo's "Love Poems" thread has a lot of info, check it out. I guess it has fallen to page 2 by now. Time for another bump.

 

[perks]

True. Not only modern sonnets, but even the 13th century, the 10 syllable thing doesn't apply. You must be thinking of iambic pentameter (10 syllables) which is a characteristic of the English sonnet (shakespearean) but it was never a defining characteristic.

Judo's "Love Poems" thread has a lot of info, check it out. I guess it has fallen to page 2 by now. Time for another bump.

thank you very much. I love a good counterpunch. I'll have to check that thread out.

 

[perks]

A friend lost
by _Land ©

I remember riding the bus
Sitting in the back
Holding hands
Dreaming dreams
Teenagers in love

The romance withered
Friendship grew strong
Following destiny's path
You were a military brat
I just a simple farm boy

I dropped out, married
Naval acadamy called you
The school of hard knocks
The school of officers
Time and distance, seperate

I woke up this morning
To my usual mess
Tripping on toys, ouch
I go to work, do my job
Listen to the radio

The events unfold
Horrors. terrorism
I turn on the tube
and watch in disbelief
Numb

Three days later
E-mail arrives
From a mutual friend
You proudly served,
Untimely died

I remember riding the bus
Sitting in the back
Holding hands
Dreaming dreams
Teenagers in love
I almost like this one, _Land. I'd like to rip out all of your I's and your articles. Let's see how it looks like that.
*Now punctuation. Read your poem out loud. Where do you want the breaks? Do you want it to flow through with no pauses, or only where the line starts fresh?
*Captitalization. Why every line? whyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Remember riding the bus,
sitting in the back,
holding hands,
dreaming dreams,
of Teenagers in love?

When romance withered,
friendship grew strong
following destiny's path.
You a military brat
me, a simple farm boy.

Dropped out, married
Naval acadamy called you I'm not sure of the word called here, needs something tougher, maybe worked or made you or molded you, if you do change it, you'll have to work with the next two lines, which are very strong because of their repetitive nature
school of hard knocks
school of officers
Time and distance, seperate.

Woke up this morning
my usual mess
Tripping on toysthe ouch was out of character for this poem
Go to work, do my job,
Listen to the radio.

Events unfold
Horrors. Terrorism.
I turn on the tubenot comfortable with this word, seems trite to use a colloquialism here
watching in disbelief
Numb.

Three days later
E-mail arrives
From a mutual friend
You proudly served,
Untimely died. these two lines, my favorite of the whole poem<your treasure> Although the first and last stanzas move me too, they are simple and POP.


And I remembered riding the bus,
Sitting in the back I think adding "with you" here, might add a bit more humanity to the poem, and still hold the familiar structure
Holding hands
Dreaming dreams
Teenagers in love.

 

[Star At Sunrise]

good review

You're doing a great job, perky. Your reviews are very interesting. I like this poem a lot, but your comments are all valid in making it stronger.

 

[_Land]

A lost friend(rewrite)

A friend lost
by _Land ©

I remember riding the bus
Sitting in the back
Holding hands
Dreaming dreams
Teenagers in love

The romance withered
Friendship grew strong
Following destiny's path
You were a military brat
I just a simple farm boy

I dropped out, married
Naval acadamy called you
The school of hard knocks
The school of officers
Time and distance, seperate

I woke up this morning
To my usual mess
Tripping on toys, ouch
I go to work, do my job
Listen to the radio

The events unfold
Horrors. terrorism
I turn on the tube
and watch in disbelief
Numb

Three days later
E-mail arrives
From a mutual friend
You proudly served,
Untimely died

I remember riding the bus
Sitting in the back
Holding hands
Dreaming dreams
Teenagers in love
I almost like this one, _Land. I'd like to rip out all of your I's and your articles. Let's see how it looks like that.
*Now punctuation. Read your poem out loud. Where do you want the breaks? Do you want it to flow through with no pauses, or only where the line starts fresh?
*Captitalization. Why every line? whyyyyyyyyyyyy?.

Perk my punctuation is limited to spell check LMAO, and the program i write on capitalizes the front letter on each line......and Idont think about it......

Remember riding the bus,
sitting in the back,
holding hands,
dreaming dreams,
of Teenagers in love?

When romance withered,
friendship grew strong
following destiny's path.
You a military brat
me, a simple farm boy.

Dropped out, married
Naval acadamy claimed you
school of hard knocks
school of officers
Time and distance, seperate.

Woke up this morning
my usual mess
Tripping on toys
Go to work, do my job,
Listen to the radio.

Events unfold
Horrors. Terrorism.
I turn on the tv
watching in disbelief
Numb.

Three days later
E-mail arrives
From a mutual friend
You proudly served,
Untimely died.

And I remembered riding the bus,
Sitting in the back with you
Holding hands
Dreaming dreams
Teenagers in love.

 

[TheDR4KE]

Good edit. I would change the tube/tv line to

Events unfold
Horrors. Terrorism.
I tune in,
watching in disbelief
Numb.

It expresses the absorption better...

I would also drop the last line. Let people be reminded of stanza 1 themselves, and let them end with the feel of melancholy, of bitter sweet dreams.

D

 

[perks]

drake *ppbbbbbbbbllllllllttttttttttt*

you have this unfailing urge to leave poems off without closure. BAH! I say, and NAY! NAY! NAY!

you might be able to convince me with a purr or two, but don't tell anyone I said that.

 

[TheDR4KE]

drake *ppbbbbbbbbllllllllttttttttttt*

you have this unfailing urge to leave poems off without closure. BAH! I say, and NAY! NAY! NAY!

you might be able to convince me with a purr or two, but don't tell anyone I said that.

And I remembered riding the bus,
Sitting in the back with you
Holding hands
Dreaming dreams
grrRRRRRRRrrrrr.


Might work.



the D

 

[_Land]

I like the loss of tv, but I wouldnt dream of cutting the last line.
I read the poem with out it....and it sours the memory....and the memory was the important part of the poem. It brings you back to what was really lost. I am a simpleton as far as writing goes, and most of what i write is made for a non literary genius to be able to understand. Thats why i hesitate to use complicated words and structures. Poetry in its earliest forms was enjoyed by the unlearned as well as the learned. Regards _Land

Good edit. I would change the tube/tv line to

Events unfold
Horrors. Terrorism.
I tune in,
watching in disbelief
Numb.

It expresses the absorption better...

I would also drop the last line. Let people be reminded of stanza 1 themselves, and let them end with the feel of melancholy, of bitter sweet dreams.

D

 

[perks]

Wonderlust
by _Land ©
I see the the wonderlust in your eyes
You long to roam, travel my body
Staking claim wherever your hands touch
Columbus would be ashamed
In comparison to the excitement
of your discovery!

*Let's start with the title. If this isn't a typo and you've made up your own word, it's not working. See Seuss, he was a master of the made up word. You have to be obvious when you do that in your poetry, so it just doesn't look like a typo and confuse the reader.

*did you see the "the the" in the first line?

*punctuation, blah blah blah.

*this could be better as two stanzas, with a break between lines three and four. Because You're talking about yourself in relationship to the girl in one and in two it's her connections with Columbus. Think diptych, two halves working well by themselves, but better together. Or, get rid of one of the last phrases.

*when writing short poetry, make every word count. All the I's and the's and other crap makes your imagery muddy. You might want to work on the vocabulary you choose, as well. Only you are creating the imagery. You depend too much on the reader to guess how you were feeling.

*an exercise of taking your poem and stripping it down to the studs then building it back up again, might help you.

*I'm not thrilled with your titles. They're the icing on the cake. You don't take some flour on top of a cake and say ohhhhh YUM! It's a whole other texture and taste entirely. And sometimes, makes the cake. Wanderlust, is the flour in your poem. Or if you want to use Wanderlust as your title<and I think it is a great one> don't use it in the poem itself. Let it be implied. You steer your reader with your Title, get them thinking in the direction you want them to go, then weave them around the curves with your specific word choices.

*Take all your nouns and come up with three different ways to say each of them. <ex. "eyes" soul windows, reflective hazelnuts, soul mirrors> Do you notice how each different way of saying "eyes" directs the reader?

Wanderlust
by _Land ©
Reflection in your soul windows
longing to roam, to travel
my body
Staking claim
where your hands touch.
Columbus would be ashamed
in comparison.

I really liked the excitement and discovery lines in the original, but all the little words muddied the poems to much, and sometimes a few phrases have to take it for the team. I'd like to see you break this down yourself, figure out how to resay what you've already said, and make it into poetry.