Perfect

[IMsoBRAM]

heres a song i wrote a while back

PERFECT

Desire is so fruitless
And apathy is gold
A frantic queen
of internecine
Is a wish that's
quite too bold

My perfect princess
of the shadows
why must you
shun the light?
must you pretend
that you are wrong
and feign that I am right?
I am not the one to find
perfection that
can make me cry
I suppose I'll never
figure out, just why
you want to die

Dastardly you hide
Away from all activity
My Princess,
leave the darkness
And please share
your time with me

My perfect princess
of the shadows
why must you
shun the light?
must you pretend
that you are wrong
and feign that I am right?
I am not the one to find
perfection that
can make me cry
I suppose I'll never
figure out, just why
you want to die

I desire fruitlessly
The things I cannot have
A frantic Queen
of internecine
Only apathy will have

JD

 

[IMsoBRAM]

COME ON!!! no feedback? just a little? i dont even care if you hate it!! tell me

JD

 

[jd4george]

IMsoBRAM... as much as I want to give you some feedback on your song, I can't. Perhaps, it is because I don't feel qualified. Now, before someone chimes in and says, "Wait a minute, I thought you said you were a poet... and an opinionated one at that", let me explain.

I personally can't comment on your song because I don't hear the music. Sure, I hear the music of the words, but not the music itself. So, does it work? I don't know.

So, how do I rate it, or comment on it? I prefer the lyrics of folks like Paul Simon, Bob Dylan, et al. I like John Lennon on a good day. Cohen and the musical masters still make me smile.

I like a good "poesy-woesy" set to music, yet I like the seldom played, experimental stuff by guys like Rick Wakeman.

But, I got to hear their words with the music.

As simply a poem, do I like "Perfect"? Not yet. Some rhyming seemed a little contrived... but that may well work in terms of your music. I wonder about some of the images, like "apathy is gold".

I rather appreciate the refrain, but wonder why there are but three non-chorus parts. From a poetic stand-point, those are the places that the singer and the princess can become known.

As a poem, I want more. As a song, I simply don't know.

The reason that I've chimed in is two-fold. You absolutely deserve feedback! Second, the lack, thus far, may be due to reasons similar to mine: "I can't sing for shit".

 

[jd4george]

Oops... sorry, but one more thing.

"Internecine" is a 17th century adjective that means "marked by slaughter". It comes from three Latin roots all meaning to kill, or destroy. In typical, 20th century fashion, it's more innocuous usuage is "mutually destructive".

My intial reaction is two-fold. (Figures!). First, with such a strong word, why isn't there more reference to it's rich meaning? Second, I fear you might credit your listening audience with a tad too much acumen.

Still, if music is just something to tap your foot to...

 

[Liar]

COME ON!!! no feedback? just a little? i dont even care if you hate it!! tell me

JD

Howdy.
Since you didn't ask for feedback, I didn't know you wanted it. I'll give it a look later tonight. Have to run off for work now.

#L

 

[tarablackwood22]

COME ON!!! no feedback? just a little? i dont even care if you hate it!! tell me

JD

Because you ask.......

As a song, it is not possible to judge without the music.

As poetry, the imagery is too shallow and the language too bland, as well as a tad confused, to hold my interest. It doesn't say anything to me. The only passage that intrigues me at all is this:

My perfect princess
of the shadows
why must you
shun the light?

Tara

 

[tarablackwood22]

COME ON!!! no feedback? just a little? i dont even care if you hate it!! tell me

JD

Because you ask.......

As a song, it is not possible to judge without the music.

As poetry, the imagery is too shallow and the language too bland, as well as a tad confused, to hold my interest. It doesn't say anything to me. The only passage that intrigues me at all is this:

My perfect princess
of the shadows
why must you
shun the light?

Tara

 

[IMsoBRAM]

alright if it is hard to crit without music, perhaps as a poem? thank you guys for saying something i appreciate it whole-heartedly

JD

 

[jd4george]

IMsoBRAM... there's a strong hint in both Tara's comment, and mine, as to how to make it stronger.

Tara bemoaned that the poem felt shallow. I have to agree. Like I said in my little commentary about the word "internecine", there as some incredibly strong images that can get employed that arise out of that word.

Thinking in terms of destruction, and the lines that Tara quoted:

"My perfect princess
of the shadows
why must you
shun the light?"

How can you tie the two together? How can you let the reader know that she is the harbinger of destruction? How can you let us see why she hides, and seems frail, yet is so totally powerful?

Tucking the notion of the piece being a song into the back of your mind, go back and push the everliving hell out of the images inherent in "internecine". Answer the questions I just asked. And then let the piece sit for a day or two.

Then, go through and snip and tuck, remembering that you wanted to write a song in the first place.

 

[IMsoBRAM]

Well, perhaps you could help me...ive sat with this song for hours...and pondered what the hell could make it better...but the reason i wrote it is quite shallow to begin, the basic lowdown of the what i was even saying is quite stupid

its basically

im attracted to the goth fashion

but I hate the attitude

I want to find a girl with the fashion sense, sans the shitty attitude...and that is basically what this who stupid thing is about...

thanks for the advice

JD

 

[jd4george]

Okay...

slow down and catch your breath. When you work and stare at things for hours you're simply picking at a scab. Leave the GD thing alone!

Now, that being said, I'm going to cuff you. NO REASON FOR WANTING TO WRITE A POEM IS EVER STUPID!

Whack! Whack! Whack! (Consider yourself cuffed).

Now, to the poem you want to write. Put "Perfect" away, because she ain't. Open a new blank page, and remember why you wanted to write this poem to begin with:

"im attracted to the goth fashion

but I hate the attitude

I want to find a girl with the fashion sense, sans the shitty attitude..."

GOOD!

Now, personally, I like the word "internecine". If you have to, open up the dictionary so you can see all the stuff behind the word, including it's origins. Now, conjur up the perfect goth woman, without the attitude...

Imagine she's an internecine... she can threaten destruction. she can kill three times over... her promsie can bring slaughter...

Scratch yourself, take a deep breath, and begin to write.

 

[IMsoBRAM]

thanks You are really putting things in perspective for me, writing has always been like a side project to me, and i dont think i practice enough...but yeah, its cool to learn

heres one that i thought was pretty good

let me know

THE UNWRITTEN WORD

What word remains unwritten?
This I ponder in the dark
For here it lingers on my tongues tip
Like a shadow on my heart
Some nights it shakes me
in my slumber
and I wake then with a start
but in the light it hides from sight
and so I chase it in the dark
When I find it, I must keep it
Locked up tight, within a cage
So I might sell it to the masses
With my pen upon this page
We'll all marvel at its beauty
screaming, struggling, sick with rage
Perhaps it's better left unwritten
In the dark it knows no age


JD Bram

 

[IMsoBRAM]

in respects of internecine, i believe this was my problem...I misinterpreted it as an internal struggle...which is why i connected it with the goth attitude..the constant brooding depression they all seem to harbor...

"Word History: When is a mistake not a mistake? In language at least, the answer to this question is “When everyone adopts it,” and on rare occasions, “When it's in the dictionary.” The word internecine presents a case in point. Today, it usually has the meaning “relating to internal struggle,” but in its first recorded use in English, in 1663, it meant “fought to the death.” How it got from one sense to another is an interesting story in the history of English. The Latin source of the word, spelled both internecnus and internecvus, meant “fought to the death, murderous.” It is a derivative of the verb necre, “to kill.” The prefix inter- was here used not in the usual sense “between, mutual” but rather as an intensifier meaning “all the way, to the death.” This piece of knowledge was unknown to Samuel Johnson, however, when he was working on his great dictionary in the 18th century. He included internecine in his dictionary but misunderstood the prefix and defined the word as “endeavoring mutual destruction.” Johnson was not taken to task for this error. On the contrary, his dictionary was so popular and considered so authoritative that this error became widely adopted as correct usage. The error was further compounded when internecine acquired the sense “relating to internal struggle.” This story thus illustrates how dictionaries are often viewed as providing norms and how the ultimate arbiter in language, even for the dictionary itself, is popular usage."

 

[jd4george]

If you want to be a poet, then understand you can use words the way you want. It's a freedom that we all claim.

The advice regarding the dictionary, is that it gives you some quick sample words and images to employ. It's simply a starting point.

You've got the word in mind... and you've got all sorts of things to talk about. Now, think about that image of the Goth woman, and write a goddamned poem!

You can do it!

 

[jd4george]

If you want to be a poet, then understand you can use words the way you want. It's a freedom that we all claim.

The advice regarding the dictionary, is that it gives you some quick sample words and images to employ. It's simply a starting point.

You've got the word in mind... and you've got all sorts of things to talk about. Now, think about that image of the Goth woman, and write a goddamned poem!

You can do it!

 

[jd4george]

If you want to be a poet, then understand you can use words the way you want. It's a freedom that we all claim.

The advice regarding the dictionary, is that it gives you some quick sample words and images to employ. It's simply a starting point.

You've got the word in mind... and you've got all sorts of things to talk about. Now, think about that image of the Goth woman, and write a goddamned poem!

You can do it!

 

[Liar]

I see this thread have moved well along by now, bet heres my take on your lyrics. Since I promiss'd.

First of all, it is hard to know how the words will work without knowing the character of the music and most of all, the voice, phrasing and image/style of the performer. Some "look good" with a text filled with hyperboles and clichés while other preform better with sparse mundane language.

I feel there's a problem here concerning exactly that, you mix the ornamental writing with the plain. Niether is bad, but they don't go well together.

"Desire is so fruitless / and apathy is gold / A frantic queen
of internecine" - that's quite an elaborate imagery. And then the chorus (i imagine, since it's repeated twice) is much more straight on: "must you pretend / that you are wrong / and feign that I am right?"

Style-wise your sections doesn't match well. That's the only advise I can give you.

good luck

#L

 

[IMsoBRAM]

thanks man, i appreciate it

JD