Pegging Suite

Be careful what you wish for

Not to be overly cruel, but I suspect your shortage of feedback is a measure of folks being polite and continuing on elsewhere. To put it candidly, you're falling into virtually every single pitfall that makes for low-grade erotica.

1) Your verb tenses are a mess. You're switching from past to present indisciminately. Pick a tense. Stick with it.

2) Stop using exclamation points. I understand that you are excited about what you're wriiting about, but when you're posting on a website the material is about the reader. Not you. Tacking an exclamation point onto something doesn't make it hot. In fact, the oppposite is usually true.

3) Start using question marks. When your characters ask questions in dialogue those questions need to be punctuated with question marks.

4) While we're talking about dialogue. You need to work out the kinks of functional dialogue. You've got long stretches of "X," he said, followed by "Y," she replied and then "Z" he said. It's repetitive. Pick up a novel, any novel, and have a look at well-written dialogue.

5) You have zero mental states. None of your characters have thoughts, feelings, emotions, or doubts. No one has any motivations at all really. Essentially, you've written a play-by-play: here's what we look like; we go up to a hotel room, we get undressed; we start having the sexy time; I get violated and called faggot a lot; the end.

Sorry if I got a little harsh there in parts but you asked. Take what you want from this and carry on.

-PF
 
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