Past/Present Tense Question.

[Sengoku]

I've been looking into the rules for past tense writing and, well, I think I may been frequently breaking those rules. Take a gander at this sample from a past tense story that is written from a third-person viewpoint.

"Richard wore a white shirt with plain blue boxer shorts, his huge thick shoulders pulling the shirt to its limits, the shorts already exposing his bulge."

I'm not sure if I should change this because it mixes tenses, or allow it because, personally, it doesn't really jar me when I read it back. Thanks for any help.

 

[bronzeage]

I've been looking into the rules for past tense writing and, well, I think I may been frequently breaking those rules. Take a gander at this sample from a past tense story that is written from a third-person viewpoint.



I'm not sure if I should change this because it mixes tenses, or allow it because, personally, it doesn't really jar me when I read it back. Thanks for any help.

I would not try to fit so much into one sentence.

Richard wore a white shirt with plain blue boxer shorts. His huge thick shoulders pulled the shirt to its limits and the shorts exposed his bulge."

 

[Etaski]

Agreed; actually it's not that you're breaking a past tense/present tense rule. What you wrote is allowed...it's just sort of crammed.

Any other examples you're not sure about?

 

[palisa]

Also agree that there''s no problem with the tenses. The pulling and exposing are being done in participle phrases, and even though there are such animals as present participles and past participles, whatever sense in which they have a "tense" is internal to the phrase, not comparable to the tense of the sentence's main verb.

"The gathering storm made the clouds race across the sky" vs. "The gathered crops are being stored in a barn": present participle/past tense verb and past participle/present tense verb.

IMO, maybe the sentence is too crowded or busy...but style should be examined on the basis of more than just one sentence. If what you wrote fits the rhythm of what's around it, then it works for you.

 

[Sengoku]

Thanks much to you all. I tend to worry if I break the rules, but it seems I'm not violating the tenses too badly. I also agree that I seem to be rushing things in that sentence.

The line right after the one I just showed is:

"He stood with his hands clasped, awaiting the woman’s arrival"

I'm now pretty sure that's correct...but always like to super, super sure.

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

... "He stood with his hands clasped, awaiting the woman’s arrival" ...

That is perfectly acceptable.
If you were to split it into two sentences you would write: "He stood with his hands clasped. He was awaiting the woman’s arrival." Perfect tense in the first sentence and imperfect in the second. Of course, nobody writes in such short sentences if it is intended for fluent adult readers of the piece, though for young children or adult language learners you might.

 

[roomfor1more]

I've been looking into the rules for past tense writing and, well, I think I may been frequently breaking those rules. Take a gander at this sample from a past tense story that is written from a third-person viewpoint.



I'm not sure if I should change this because it mixes tenses, or allow it because, personally, it doesn't really jar me when I read it back. Thanks for any help.

For me, it does jar me a bit for two reasons. First, I agree with the others, you are cramming too much into the sentence. Second, at least for me, exposing does jar me a bit and for me, it would read a lot smoother if it was exposed.

Maybe try reading the sentence out loud to yourself and listen to how it sounds. That might give you a better clue.

 

[palisa]

I tend to worry if I break the rules,

Now you provoked me! LOL!

Good writers break the rules all the time. Some not-so-good writers break the rules often, but get away with it. Some editors enforce the rules "because the book says..." Other editors look for the rhythm and cadence of a story and change something only when things sound "off."

Grammar rules are just "how things are" in current good writing. There are reasons for the rules; they keep the reader on track. Literature, erotic or not, is a writer/reader collaboration. If the writer misspells words, it's jarring. If the grammar is wrong and the meaning isn't clear, it's jarring. If it's an obvious mistake, it's jarring. If the punctuation doesn't act as road signs, it's jarring. Those things drive a reader out of the fantasy he's in while he's reading your story, erotic fantasy or not. Example: An excellent writer on this site -- one of the best -- was in the middle of a wonderful erotic story when he used "taught" instead of "taut." The bubble popped. How do I get back in the mood? I did, eventually, but it was jarring and I was pissed off because I lost the mood and the rhythm.

Case I -- If you're a reader, you can trust your ear when you write, for the most part. Everybody makes mistakes in the heat of writing, and those mistakes are often hard for the writer to catch. That's why an editor can help.

Case II -- Maybe you have great ideas, but your English sucks. An editor can help you there also, by bludgeoning you into learning things you slept through in high-school English. Or maybe you're not a native speaker and your English is imperfect. If the idea shines through, you'll be fine.

Case III -- You should be reading instead of writing. Can't help you there LOL! Good English, like good writing in any language, has a rhythm. Once you get the beat, it's all good. But not everybody is a writer, just as everybody is not a good guitarist or a good painter or a good anything.

 

[palisa]

I've been looking into the rules for past tense writing

And while I'm on a roll...

Past tense is the preferred choice 99% of the time. I AM holding a book, reading about what you experienced in the past. I am NOT looking into a magic screen watching what's going on at the minute I'm reading. What I'm reading now happened before. I'm not getting instant updates.

IMO...present tense usually sounds artificial, like a cartoon that I dearly love, where an old bag in a phone sex operation is saying (with a bored look on her face), "Now I'm taking off my panties..."

Even worse is second person present tense. I've never seen a story that I liked (or could even tolerate) with "you do this now" and "you do that now."

End of rant.

 

[sr71plt]

I think it was noted by now that there was no mixing of tenses.

And I think the original is just fine--I don't think that too much is going on in the sentence--although I think the last clauses would be better separated by an "and" rather than the comma (". . . limits and the . . .").

 

[Etaski]

Even worse is second person present tense. I've never seen a story that I liked (or could even tolerate) with "you do this now" and "you do that now."

*bing* Hey, you just reminded me of an erotic horror story I wrote a few years ago! It's the only second person, present tense story I've ever written, short, sweet, and gruesome. I genuinely like the story, and the person for whom it was written was somatically effected when he read it, so...I think it worked.

I think I'll spruce that one up and submit it, just for S&G's.

 

[Sengoku]

Lots of thanks coming up.

That is perfectly acceptable.
If you were to split it into two sentences you would write: "He stood with his hands clasped. He was awaiting the woman’s arrival." Perfect tense in the first sentence and imperfect in the second. Of course, nobody writes in such short sentences if it is intended for fluent adult readers of the piece, though for young children or adult language learners you might.

Thanks much for clarifying that for me.

For me, it does jar me a bit for two reasons. First, I agree with the others, you are cramming too much into the sentence. Second, at least for me, exposing does jar me a bit and for me, it would read a lot smoother if it was exposed.

Maybe try reading the sentence out loud to yourself and listen to how it sounds. That might give you a better clue.

I agree, and that change has been made. Thanks.

Now you provoked me! LOL!

Good writers break the rules all the time. Some not-so-good writers break the rules often, but get away with it. Some editors enforce the rules "because the book says..." Other editors look for the rhythm and cadence of a story and change something only when things sound "off."

Grammar rules are just "how things are" in current good writing. There are reasons for the rules; they keep the reader on track. Literature, erotic or not, is a writer/reader collaboration. If the writer misspells words, it's jarring. If the grammar is wrong and the meaning isn't clear, it's jarring. If it's an obvious mistake, it's jarring. If the punctuation doesn't act as road signs, it's jarring. Those things drive a reader out of the fantasy he's in while he's reading your story, erotic fantasy or not. Example: An excellent writer on this site -- one of the best -- was in the middle of a wonderful erotic story when he used "taught" instead of "taut." The bubble popped. How do I get back in the mood? I did, eventually, but it was jarring and I was pissed off because I lost the mood and the rhythm.

Case I -- If you're a reader, you can trust your ear when you write, for the most part. Everybody makes mistakes in the heat of writing, and those mistakes are often hard for the writer to catch. That's why an editor can help.

Case II -- Maybe you have great ideas, but your English sucks. An editor can help you there also, by bludgeoning you into learning things you slept through in high-school English. Or maybe you're not a native speaker and your English is imperfect. If the idea shines through, you'll be fine.

Case III -- You should be reading instead of writing. Can't help you there LOL! Good English, like good writing in any language, has a rhythm. Once you get the beat, it's all good. But not everybody is a writer, just as everybody is not a good guitarist or a good painter or a good anything.

I'm quite guilty of being a sloppy writer, mostly because I write while "in the mood" or extremely sleepy. Hopefully I fall into Case I. I'm more wary of making mistakes and errors, more so than I should be. Thanks.

I think it was noted by now that there was no mixing of tenses.

And I think the original is just fine--I don't think that too much is going on in the sentence--although I think the last clauses would be better separated by an "and" rather than the comma (". . . limits and the . . .").

Thanks much. And thanks to all that replied. Truly appreciated.