Passion...

[KINDGIRL]

I caught your drift and I thank you.
I will try and put all these points to good use!

It is encouraging to hear that there are ways to keep the passion alive and maybe get it back. Some people have fantasies and fetishes - all I want is PASSION. That feeling of being desired deeply and wanted totally... and then showing me. That's it! Too much to ask for?

 

[melissa85]

prince charming or something like it

In addition to your desire for passion, i have it to, but in a different way.

For me i need romance etc to have passion when i have sex. I always want passionate love making but it takes a romantic action to get me to experience it. So i find myself constantly craving some romantic action so i can feel that passionate desire to jump him on the kitchen table.

I know he thinks we have passionate love making but ii think his perception may be a little one sided. i try to show him what i want (as they say treat others as you want to be treated) but sometimes its not explicit enough to help him understand. In those sessions i just get into "i will do any thing you want to make this feel totally amazing for you" but i end up missing out and he's asleep and i am left wanting passion.

I agree with what others have said in that you can explain and describe using examples but some guys just dont get it and maybe some just might not have the capacity for it but its a hard thing to comprehend too (which doesnt help). I call them my "disney-expectations" in that i grew up on disney movies of these princesses being carried away to a castle with the amazing prince charming and my imagination has always played out how that would have the most amazing sex. However, in applying my disney-expectations to real life men, i understand that these expectations have to go or i will be left feeling like i am missing out which could ruin a great relationship.

not sure whether it helps or not but i am in the same boat and i have learnt that disney has tainted my expectations, as men cant be prince charming (prince charming was probably dreamed up by a woman anyway)

 

[jerseyman1963]

This is an interesting situation, and it goes right to the heart of compatibility, and two people's wants, needs, desires and general behavior lining up perfectly, and how sometimes that just happens spontaneously, and how sometimes you line up in many ways with a partner, but need to work on some of the others. They make movies about that kind of sexual fireworks because it's special, and it's special because it is so rare in this life. Not unachievable, just rare.

Without going into a long story, the way I grew up translated into being a wimpy lover. It took me a long time, and a lot of trial and error, to figure out first, that it was OK to be aggressive in the right circumstances, and that second, taking the lead and being very physical was not only OK, but sometimes desired by my partner. The first time I really "fucked," (had really, really physical and aggressive sex) was a real eye opener, and I realized that the way I had been "making love" was wimpy, and tentative. It was my, "Oh. So THIS is what everyone is talking about!" moment, and it started me on a road down which I learned that I could want to "fuck someone" and still be respectful; be sexually aggressive and sensitive to her at the same time.

It doesn't happen every time, and it hasn't happened with every girlfriend or fling since then, but it was one step on the way from being a tentative lover to being able to learnt the signals and mix it up appropriately. I still need a lot of signals, maybe more than most people, and that makes it difficult, because not every woman matches me and sends unambiguous signals. But over time I've learned how to express my tentative nature to partners and potential partners and help them help me know what they want, and I've learned to read the signals they send, and figure my way through the ritual mating dances we humans do, and not second guess myself all the time, in other words, know when to take the lead without being pushy or going where I am not wanted.

It could be that your man just needs to be pointed in the right direction. I'll tell you one thing about us men: generally speaking, we like to please. We all want to be known as great and passionate lovers, and if you lead us down the right path and teach us a few things, we learn quick. Basically, we're house pets - teach us and reward desired behavior with a treat, and we'll do it again and again.

It sounds like taking the lead may not be your own natural role, which means that if your husband the tentative type, you have a less than perfectly compatible situation. Two tentative types trying to figure it out is rough. But it's a communication or behavior gap that you can overcome, if you step by step starting stepping into new roles a little.

I remember going to one girlfriend's house for dinner for the first time. We'd been out once or twice but this was the first time I went to dinner at her house. I dressed nicely for dinner; she greeted me at the door in flannel pajama bottoms and a tank top. I immediately thought, "Hmm. This may not be just dinner." Shortly thereafter, while making dinner in the kitchen, we started kissing and she went down on me right there and then, and it was a big enough clue that even dense old me figured out that it was going to be OK to start initiating wherever and whenever.

One of the more interesting threads through this thread already is that what works for one person or couple is not going to work for every other person or couple. But I think that some of the good, universal advice here has involved telling him during the act what you like, or guiding him, or asking him to try something while you're in flagrante, and telling him later, "When you did that, I got sooo turned on." Like anyone, we men like knowing that we've done well. (Good doggie - here's your treat.)

You also might try surprising him at unexpected moments with this information to really get his attention, like whisper something in his ear during a dinner party or at the movies - shock his brain to attention.

It's a little scarey trying on a role you're not used to, especially with someone you care about, because rejection is always a bigger emotional risk when it relates to someone you care about. But the rewards are worth it, and I think you're already on the right road because you're thinking about these things.