Passion...

[KINDGIRL]

Not sure if this is a "How To" - but here it is:
All I find myself wanting is PASSION. At least I think that is the word for the feeling and actions I want. What I mean is that "I-have-got-to-have-you-right-now-to-hell-with-dinner-rip-your-clothes-off-and throw-you-down-passion". I just can't seem to find that... Have I just been watching too many movies or something? Am I in la-la-land and this is all a myth?

It seems my sexual encounters/relationships (whatever) move from that new embarassment and excitement right to very comfortable, and he's scratching his butt (I'm being silly...but you know what I mean...)

I try to show that same passion that I want.
Asking for it... well, I am not sure it can be something I ask for and he accomadates... can it? Are men just socialized to be more gentle of late? I mean, I am not asking to be raped or hurt - just once in a while ummm ravaged?

Anyway - thanks for listening to me...

 

[footlongish]

Speaking for the man in this situation, have you hinted your want to him or told him directly ? Or do you expect him to figure this out on his own aka read your mind ?

I'm thinking that he might have done this before with another woman and not had a good result. Not every woman is open to that kind of passion. The passion window for some women is most Saturday nights from 10:15 to 11:00 PM. And the resulting expression shouldn't be too vigorous lest they lose control.

Communication might help you get what you want.

 

[KINDGIRL]

I am sorry if that post sounded harsh to the guys... In their defense, it has GOT to be difficult to know what to do. I guess I was expecting to have my mind read...funny, because I am not usually like that.
Thanks, footlongish

 

[footlongish]

I didn't mean to be harsh to you, KINDGIRL but as a man, yes, it is hard to figure out what women want sometimes.

Are we conditioned to be soft ? Some of us are very passionate, but with other women we've been taught to tone it down. Actually, put it away somewhere.

And, I guess the thing is, that with some women the penalty for guessing wrong can be pretty harsh. You feel foolish, she might be upset, she might be mad, etc. Not saying that is you or any of his exes, just saying it happens.

And every woman wants something a little different. And OMG if a man ever compares one woman's wants and needs to another woman's, hes an insensitive SOB objectifying women.

And truthfully, he may have been conditioned in a prior relationship. Some women are only comfortable with very vanilla things. If the man strays beyond those boundaries, there is only rejection and hurt ahead. So sex goes from new to comfortable with nary a deviation.

Now, I'm sure that some suggestive dress, mannerisms and words should be enough to convey your desire. If done in a light hearted manner, you can enlighten him without involving a heavy, mood killing discussion. Not to be crass, but the phrases "I'm horny, take me now !" or "Take me, you big stud !" or even "Lets fuck !" come to mind.

And think of him too. Men love it when women initiate. Its a green light for us. Instead of wondering what lurks in the fog ahead.

And if you want more of this "passion" from him, you might want to bring it up during pillow talk. I bet he is dying to give you everything you want and then some.

Just my $0.02

 

[footlongish]

Just to say one more thing... your relationship is 50/50, right ?

How many times have you "jumped" him, ie initiated passionate lovemaking out of the blue ?

I'm not criticizing you, here, just pointing some things out from my experience in a relationship with zero passion.

Have fun with your lucky man. I'm envious.

 

[KINDGIRL]

You are fine... I didn't feel you were harsh at all. But while I was in making dinner, I started to think about all the mixed messages women give and how is a man supposed to know... I try to stay away from mixed messages and games, but then I catch myself thinking things like "I'm NOT calling him again, I'll wait..." and on & on...
I do initiate - probably not enough. Sometimes I get all UN self-confident and think he doesn't want that right then. Baggage, LOL.

So much to say - but without betraying a confidence, I will shut up! Thank you for the responses, very well put. Made me further think how difficult it has to be to be a guy today.

 

[SweetErika]

Not sure if this is a "How To" - but here it is:
All I find myself wanting is PASSION. At least I think that is the word for the feeling and actions I want. What I mean is that "I-have-got-to-have-you-right-now-to-hell-with-dinner-rip-your-clothes-off-and throw-you-down-passion". I just can't seem to find that... Have I just been watching too many movies or something? Am I in la-la-land and this is all a myth?

No, it's definitely not a myth. The difference with the movies is there's passion nearly ALL the time in EVERY relationship. I've found that with a couple of partners I just had that special chemistry with, but it's certainly not the norm.

It seems my sexual encounters/relationships (whatever) move from that new embarassment and excitement right to very comfortable, and he's scratching his butt (I'm being silly...but you know what I mean...)

I know what you mean. On some level, I'm grateful we become so comfortable so quickly, but on another, I really want that passion.

There was always little to no passion with my husband. We were passionate about each other and there was a lot of love and pleasure, but I never felt completely irresistable with him, and that was something I missed dearly.

Something changed a couple of years ago, though. We started opening up and he became more comfortable with sex. In addition, we really began talking about and experimenting with boundaries. He was--and still is, to some extent--terrified of doing something that would upset or hurt me. He's a really good, polite guy who grew up with the idea that only the lowest lifeforms hurt women and has lived with the effects of a lowlife hurting me, so we had to go slow and build up his confidence in knowing my limits and trusting that I'd stop him before any harm was done.

Passion came as his comfort level increased. It grew to unseen levels as we got involved in polyamory - something about perceived competition and seeing me passionate with others really did it for him and let him know it was okay for him to be passionate with me too. I'm not suggesting opening your relationships, but some of those elements can definitely be worked into monogamous relationships with great results (e.g. going out together and flirting or dancing with others, picking each other up in a bar, time with sexy friends, etc.). Now, we have the passion I'd given up on, and there's a good balance for both of us.

My point is that sometimes it's there from the start, but even if it's not, it's not out of reach. It takes time, communication, a good relationship and a lot of trust in some cases, but even after many years of little to no passion, it can be developed. I never thought that was the case, believing if it was never there, it never would be, but I was clearly very wrong (and quite happily so ) about that!

I try to show that same passion that I want.
Asking for it... well, I am not sure it can be something I ask for and he accomadates... can it? Are men just socialized to be more gentle of late? I mean, I am not asking to be raped or hurt - just once in a while ummm ravaged?

I had to ask for it and give lots of examples so he knew what was okay and felt safe experimenting. Saying "I'd like more passion" didn't/doesn't work for my guy because he didn't know what that meant exactly, had fears, and it's something that develops organically once there's plenty of comfort and chemistry. In the past, I've said, "I want you to ravage me (or whatever), and here's what that means to me... (rip my clothes off, hard kissing/sucking/biting, pinning arms down, rougher breast play, etc.)." Demonstrating (if he's into that, but I've yet to meet a guy who doesn't want to be ravaged ), experimenting, establishing a safe word/signal, and talking about any fears really helped us, too.

 

[KINDGIRL]

Thanks, Sweet Erika - you always have something helpful to add!
I have had that passion with one man, years ago, and I guess deep down - I am still looking for that same feeling.
The absolute lack of passion with my husband is what caused us to separate and then try an open relationship... Your hubby sounds SO much like mine.

 

[M's girl]

I think passion is such an important factor in a relationship for most women. I have tried to explain the men in my life what I considered to be passion but most of the time I have felt like I was speaking some foreign language or something.

I am a talker and can express myself quite well. I'm not afraid to show what I want as an example. I refer to things I see and hear but somehow it sometimes is as if my efforts go lost in the space between him and me.

I have come to the conclusion that passion is something that comes from the inside. Either you have it in you or you don't. And if you do you must be confident enough to dare to express it. I have not met many men who were very passionate in love, and it is the one thing I crave so very much.

So, ladies, how do we make men clear what we mean. How do we explain (for example) the subtle differences between passion and anger. How can we make clear that passion and romance are connected and they don't look silly (to us women) if they show those emotions? How can we stimulate them to look more into this subject and how do we explain where to look if they want to dig to find those feelings inside themselves?

And what are great examples of passion that men will understand?

 

[mdcplhavnfun]

Just my 2 cents....

The more open hubby and I are with each other, the better it gets. I now have no problem telling him I want him to "fuck me hard" - that's his signal, and now he knows what I need. Sometimes, I will initiate, by "ravaging" him first. I never saw him get so hard as when I did that the first time.

I think we as women forget sometimes that the guys want to feel sexy and attractive to us too. We do need to initiate and make them feel loved and wanted, and when they know we can't keep our hands off of them, it may make it easier for them to reciprocate.

Just remember that he is not a mind-reader, and if you want him to know what you want, you have to tell him. Last night hubby cam in to the kitchen while I was at the stove making dinner, and wanted to stick his tongue down my throat and play with my ass for a second. Of course I loved it, but more importantly I looked him in the eyes before he walked away and said "mmm I can always use a good grope in the kitchen! Do that whenever you want." Hopefully he got the message

Good luck in trying to find the passion - I think sometimes it is there, underneath all the day to day stuff we all have to deal with, and we just need permission to let it out.

 

[M's girl]

Thanks for your input.

I know what you mean and I do things like that all the time. Whenever he does something that I really love/like, I will always let him know. I will tell him "I like that" or "that feels so good". I will also talk to him later on and say "You know, when you did such and such, that made me feel so good/wanted" or whatever... He will say he shall remember and then never (or hardly ever) do it again.

I'm not talking about the 'real' sexstuff here. I'm talking about the passion-things. Like when he kisses me with great passion or runs his fingers through my hair. When he says sweet and loving things that make me melt.

Don't get me wrong.... it's not like he does not do them at all, obviously, otherwise I could never make those comments. But it seems like when I say something he gets a message about something else sometimes. Normally I would say we communicate quite well...

This is why I think you cannot learn about passion. It's a feeling and I guess feelings can't get transmitted exactly like you experience them. If only he knew sometimes how good some things make me feel. The weird thing is... I have the feeling I am much more in touch with his feelings.... I can pinpoint far better and sense very much what does it for him. I guess I'm a better bodylanguage-reader. Does that have something to do with it?

 

[Goldy4545]

I know how you feel!

the desire for this "rip your clothes off- I've got to have you now" is why I'm a serial cheater in a very loving relationship.

There is nothing better than that rush and I have never been able to make it last in lasting relationships - this one has managed 15 years but it's been 12 years since we burnt dinner because we were too busy fucking on the kitchen table.

oh well - small price to pay to maintain one's sanity.

 

[M's girl]

the desire for this "rip your clothes off- I've got to have you now" is why I'm a serial cheater in a very loving relationship.

There is nothing better than that rush and I have never been able to make it last in lasting relationships - this one has managed 15 years but it's been 12 years since we burnt dinner because we were too busy fucking on the kitchen table.

oh well - small price to pay to maintain one's sanity.

So, is that the answer? That would never work for me. If I felt that bad about it I would leave the relationship. Until then I would try to make it happen (the passion) any way I could with the one I am with....

 

[Goldy4545]

Everthing else is exactly the way I want it - not going to throw it away just because one thing is missing.

It's impossible to hold on to that "just met ain't the chemistry grand" type of feeling in a long term relationship.

Recent studies of brain chemistry show that as a relationship matures the brain changes it's activity. the seritonen and endorphins aren't as prevalent and other neurotransmitters take over. Basic biology apparently.

So I go seeking short term relationships - not one night stands (hate them now) but maybe a year or two of regular but not always frequent meetings with a like minded woman. The best one lasted 8 years but we might have only meet up once or twice each year for maybe a long weekend at a time. Most are every week or two and we move on eventually.

As I said, it keeps me sane

 

[footlongish]

It's impossible to hold on to that "just met ain't the chemistry grand" type of feeling in a long term relationship.

I disagree. I agree its impossible to hold onto the "just met" part. But it is certainly possible to have the "ain't the chemistry grand" feeling in a LTR. Not that I have that in my current relationship... !

Actually, I think relationships and sex can get better as the relationship ages. The partners know each other better. They know how to please each other. They know the limits. They know they don't have to hold back within those limits. Its a matter of allowing themselves to be as vulnerable and open minded as they were in the relationship when it was new.

If you are in a LTR and its stale, I recommend having an "any" weekend. What that means is that whenever either of you have "any" desire, it will be satisfied. When partners give each other that sort of green light, you might be surprised what sort of passion and horniness surfaces.

I think people rely on the adrenaline of a new relationship too much rather than realizing the full potential of their current relationship.

 

[Goldy4545]

Actually, I think relationships and sex can get better as the relationship ages. The partners know each other better. They know how to please each other. They know the limits. They know they don't have to hold back within those limits. Its a matter of allowing themselves to be as vulnerable and open minded as they were in the relationship when it was new.

I agree with this part entirely. That's why I hate one night stands. It takes time to get to know the pressure points; does she like my tongue here rather than there etc. That's why for me a longer term bit on the side is the answer. Enough time to get to know how to give the utmost pleasure but not so long that it's "yawn.....filet mignon for dinner again! I've had it every night for 15 years....boring!"

 

[M's girl]

.....but not so long that it's "yawn.....filet mignon for dinner again! I've had it every night for 15 years....boring!"

So you won't have a hard time at all when you find out your LTR partner feels this way about you for some time already too? Boy.... will it be easy on you once you get dismissed....

 

[Goldy4545]

So you won't have a hard time at all when you find out your LTR partner feels this way about you for some time already too? Boy.... will it be easy on you once you get dismissed....

please - i've been lurking in the forums for a little while now and finally found a topic where I feel I can make a contribution to a discussion with a valid point. My solution may not work for you- that's fine. I'm not insisting you try it. It does work for me- that's the only point I wanted to make. Your comment was unecassiarily judgemental and uncalled for. I will live my life my way - and your approval or damnation is not needed.

please be civil.

 

[KINDGIRL]

I am like you, Goldy4545, I seek that passion where ever I think I can find it (I have "permission" from my husband). Unfortunately, I have to agree with M's Girl and say I believe it's an either you have it or you don't thing.

 

[rosebud5446]

.

please be civil.

i'm sorry, but i think she makes a valid point too. true you are contributing to this topic, but i think you need to be a little more civil to your partner.

 

[M's girl]

please - i've been lurking in the forums for a little while now and finally found a topic where I feel I can make a contribution to a discussion with a valid point. My solution may not work for you- that's fine. I'm not insisting you try it. It does work for me- that's the only point I wanted to make. Your comment was unecassiarily judgemental and uncalled for. I will live my life my way - and your approval or damnation is not needed.

please be civil.

I wasn't aware I was not being civil. I just don't beat around the bush and besides, you don't have to agree with me. I am not judg(e)ing you either. I'm just holding a mirror in front of you and ask you (in a blunt way maybe - we Dutch are known to be pretty straight forward most of the time) if it would feel the same if the tables were turned...

Besides. We are talking about passion here, and how to get (back) in a relationship and your only solution seems to be: go look outside because you are never going to find it inside the relationship after the first thrills are gone.

 

[Goldy4545]

Passion is life's elixor

M's girl - I also come from a cultural where directness is often taken for rudeness. I understand

I regard myself as a very passionate person. When my SO and I met, I was single, she was in a bad LTR. We were fucking like rabbits within a few days. And the passion was so strong it scared away some of our friends. Yet it took almost a year before she was "available"

In the discussions that always occur in forging a LTR, it became apparent that she, like me, had a habit of indulging in passion where ever she found it. The deal we struck was literally "what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander" - if I wander, I shouldn't be suprised if she wanders. And that was OK by me.

I adopt a "don't ask don't tell" attitude. I have no idea what she does.

Passion is what I live for. Not just for sexual passion - passion for life. Without it, I feel I'm not alive - just surviving.

My little exploits keep me sane. It works for me.

 

[KINDGIRL]

OOO I didnt mean to stir up controversy - never like to do that. I totally want everyone/anyone's opinion. Like they say in a famous self-help group "Take what you want and leave the rest".

 

[footlongish]

I have to wade into this debate. What could a new partner physically do that the current partner couldn't ? Probably nothing. So the current partner that gives you 'filet mignon' is also probably capable of serving up a lusty naughty portion of Kraft dinner or wieners and beans. He just isn't. I think therein lies an opportunity to grow the relationship.

 

[rosc99]

Not sure if this is a "How To" - but here it is:
All I find myself wanting is PASSION. At least I think that is the word for the feeling and actions I want. What I mean is that "I-have-got-to-have-you-right-now-to-hell-with-dinner-rip-your-clothes-off-and throw-you-down-passion". I just can't seem to find that... Have I just been watching too many movies or something? Am I in la-la-land and this is all a myth?

It seems my sexual encounters/relationships (whatever) move from that new embarassment and excitement right to very comfortable, and he's scratching his butt (I'm being silly...but you know what I mean...)

I try to show that same passion that I want.
Asking for it... well, I am not sure it can be something I ask for and he accomadates... can it? Are men just socialized to be more gentle of late? I mean, I am not asking to be raped or hurt - just once in a while ummm ravaged?

Anyway - thanks for listening to me...

try telling him that you really want sex with him. In a place that its impossible to have any sex or sexual contact.keep reminding him of the fact your horny as hell.it always works for us,and always gets the passions running high.We really get medievel with each other and whats more its all brought on by her, which really is what us fellas need because once in that comfort zone we or i are pretty hopeless at reading the signs
ps please excuse my spelling and grammer, its never been a strong point of mine.But i hope you can catch the drift