Partner's Jealousy

[ReadyOne]

OK you all wise and wonderful people who keep an index to everything ever said inside your gigantic memories...

I'm looking for advice to a person who has to deal with their partner being jealous. The reason for being jealous doesn't have to be real at all, just the partner's perception of things makes them jealous.

Or there is a situation where a person could cheat if they really, really wanted to, but they don't (and 95% of people in a similar situation don't). Yet an insecure partner becomes jealous anyway without any real evidence.

How can one deal with their partner's insecurity and jealousy?

If the partner accepted their issues of insecurity and jealousy, how can one help their partner work through those issues?

I'd love to give a couple of examples to make the questions clear. But I'm afraid that people will run off speaking to the examples and not touch the general problem.

And, I'd think that there have been previous discussions (threads) about people with insecure and jealous partners. I checked the "How to Manual" and none were indexed.

Can anyone remember threads with helpful advice about jealous and insecure partners?

Many thanks!

 

[SweetErika]

Google works better than the search function here, IMO.

site:forum.literotica.com jealousy brings up a lot of great threads. The first and especially the fourth (Essay on Poly and Jealousy) results are excellent discussions.

In short, I think insecurity and jealousy are often a result of low self-esteem and confidence (in ourselves, the stability of our relationships, etc.). Doing things that improve the self-esteem and provide reassurance are often helpful.

Getting to the root of the insecurity/jealousy should help one target the areas that need support. For example, if I figure out I'm jealous over my partner spending time with a friend, it might be good for him to give me more quality time, set aside specific time for dates, put time into thoughtful acts and reassure me I'm his first priority.

I know you're not wild about getting into specifics, but is the main issue that the person is insecure and jealous, or that s/he's acting on that jealousy in what you perceive to be negative ways? There's a big difference in my mind - feeling jealousy is normal and healthy, provided it doesn't result in thoroughly irrational or destructive behavior.

 

[warrior queen]

There's a big difference in my mind - feeling jealousy is normal and healthy, provided it doesn't result in thoroughly irrational or destructive behavior.

my thoughts exactly.
jealousy - to a certain extent - is a normal and often positive emotion.

but take it to extremes... which is what i gather from the limited info you've put up... is an extremely destructive thing.

there is no effective way to make a jealous-type aware of how extreme they have taken their emotional response.
they are never ready to hear anything like that when in a jealous rage or emotion, and wouldn't believe it anyway.

the only suggestion i have - and i have had an extraordinarily jealous ex - is to reassure whenever he's/she's calm, and hope they eventually trust you enough.

if that trust never eventuates, then it becomes a decision as to whether the jealousies, and the accompanying moods, can be dealt with long-term.

 

[FurryFury]

Jealous people are usually A.) Insecure or B.) Prone to or already cheating themselves and sometimes C.) Both.

You must chose if this person means enough to you to demand they treat themselves and you with respect and to help shore up their problems with insecurity.

My husband thought I was worth it. It worked for us both. Awesome.

Then again some people are just unreachable.

Good luck.

 

[sirensiren]

The interesting thing about this is that yes, I do believe somehow that jealous people are more prone to cheating themselves.Although sometimes they're just insecure like furryfury said. I can be incredible jealous,and I'm not particularly faithful sexually myself. Interesting subject jealousy, I've always thought so.

 

[ReadyOne]

Thank you

Thank you all.

As some noted, the problem can be similar to "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink".

Some people don't think that their jealously (if they even perceive it as such) is unreasonable even when it's strong to extreme and it's impacting the relationship.

If they wanted to, CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) as suggested by Erica and others (I did some googleing) seems like a good place to start. A person can do it on their own. A counselor, of course, would be good too.

If they don't want to/can't change, then all you can control is your own actions. My query really comes from that place... When you've given up trying to get mutual change, you are on your own.


The most interesting recommendation, forwarded from another conversation elsewhere, is in the next post. I think it sums up as...

First, keep your attitudes clean and away from the problem and its impact. Don't be part of it, be above it. Don't let it sour you.

Second, indirectly help the person improve their perception and attitude. Give them comfort and soothing (don't discuss or argue). Encourage them to look at things with a slightly better point of view, nothing dramatic.

Interesting.

 

[ReadyOne]

Response from someone outside Literotica

Question is, what can you do since it's only your own actions that you can control?

This doesn't sound like much, and it's hard to keep doing, but here it is: Try to sooth them so their thoughts and attitude become more positive. Think of them as a child who is hurting and try to cheer them up by making them feel better. Lead their thoughts to improve how they feel.

Feelings come in a range. Starting at the low end, fear/grief/depression/powerlessness, insecurity/guilt/unworthiness, jealousy, hate/rage, revenge, anger, discouragement, blame, worry, doubt, disappointment, overwhelment, frustration/irritation/impatience, pessimism, boredom, contentment, optimism, positive expectation/belief, enthusiasm/eagerness/happiness, passion, joy/knowledge/empowerment/freedom, love/appreciation.

You almost never successfully jump more than a couple of levels and stay there; you always slip back after too big a jump. But if you move a level at a time, pausing until you've really let go of the previous one to move upward, you can get there.

With someone else, you can only do two things.

First is to find your own well being, before you interact with them. If you are feeling good and you refuse to let them make you feel bad, then you will be a positive influence and a little of your well being will rub off on them, helping them feel better.

Second is to encourage or sooth them into the next level up. You can't force them, but you can suggest the next level and encourage them to try for it.

For example, if someone hates, see if you can get them started thinking about revenge or payback or turn about. Move them from "I hate that SOB" into "that SOB needs a taste of their own medicine" or "that SOB should be drawn and quartered".

When the rage dissipates, sooth them into anger. "I'm pissed that the SOB is still there" Notice the change in focus from the core person to the situation involving the person.

When they can give up extracting a penalty, sooth them into discouragement. "How could they keep a SOB around like that?" "No one cares that the SOB is out there."

As you probably recognize, an insecure hubby is only a bit worse off than a jealous hubby.

But when he's insecure, don't try and sooth him into belief in security with you -- he can't make the jump and stay there. Being jealous of you is better than thinking about you being gone. Hating you because you are getting something is better than his dwelling on not having it. Getting even with you is better than hating you. Move him up the scale one level at a time.

It doesn't sound good in itself, but an attitude of "if she can cheat then I can cheat" is a big improvement over "she's leaving me" or "she's cheating on me".

(Cheating one someone is breaking your trust in them. You don't have to be fucking around to be cheating. The improved attitude could actually be something like, "If she can go to BDSM munches, then I can go to the topless bar.")

It will take time (and may never happen), but look forward to moving him up the scale to contentment -- "our life works, she found a way to get her needs met and that lets us stay together". Of course, "I adore her" all the time would be perfect.

 

[FurryFury]

When I'm jealous I like to think it's because I value my husband and also that I recognize even the best people can and do make mistakes such as cheating.

I grew up watching shit like that happen and it sucked, tearing apart the woman cheated on like nothing else can. I can name very few married men I actually know in real life who haven't cheated at one time or another.

I'm sure there are some but I can name only one or two.

 

[SweetErika]

The interesting thing about this is that yes, I do believe somehow that jealous people are more prone to cheating themselves.Although sometimes they're just insecure like furryfury said. I can be incredible jealous,and I'm not particularly faithful sexually myself. Interesting subject jealousy, I've always thought so.

I wonder if the link between jealousy and cheating is insecurity. It seems like habitual cheaters and those who are promiscuous often feel like something's missing and/or are insecure to their cores; the sex/relationships give them a sense of being loved or getting approval of their worth, attractiveness, etc. I can see where the sex could be a quick fix or diversion from looking within and dealing with the root of the insecurities.

I was in that mindset at one time. I never cheated, but I'm sure I would have had I not met a good guy who refused to focus on getting sex and started being honest with myself about why I'd established a sex-feel good-feel bad-sex pattern.

I can still be insecure and jealous, especially if I think someone's getting something I believe I don't get enough of (e.g. my partner's quality time, attention, affection), but I've learned to choose the honest, feel good path instead of going out and making myself feel bad. That doesn't mean consistent monogamy for me, but it does mean being honest and discriminating about who I'm intimate with.

 

[FurryFury]

Could be for many, although, I am insecure/jealous and I've never cheated.

 

[SweetErika]

Could be for many, although, I am insecure/jealous and I've never cheated.

To clarify, I wasn't asserting that those who are insecure or jealous necessarily cheat. That theory wouldn't fit me, either. All I was saying is the insecurity may be a big commonality for those who are jealous AND [are likely to] cheat (the "C" category from your post) or be promiscuous. That does fit my prior state and behavior, and is what I've observed about quite a few others, as well.