Partner is willing- not eager

[psyche1973]

My husband has admitted to me that although he is comfortable engaging in S&M activities, it's not his ideal.
The selfish part of me says...well, it's not like he said "no" and I pushed but the other part of me knows that it is not right to ask him to give me something he's not totally into.
I know there is a lot of social conditioning that tells guys "it's NOT ok to hit your woman" and it's difficult to overcome. Is it just a learning process, will he someday get into the whole "sadism" thing? Should I give up on it now that I know it's not his cup of tea and he just does it for me or does he just need to open himself up to it? He has learned new stuff with me in the past. He used to "not enjoy" blowjobs either, but I still wanted to give them to him all the time, and he would let me even though he would rarely (almost never) cum from it, he said he just didn't like them , then one day.. viola... and now he asks for bj's all the time and he cums every time.
So, is it ok to let him continue faking it for me, or should I just forget about all this stuff?

 

[Seduce]

You should know best what kind of person is your husband.

But..... keep in mind that when man says he is "ok" with something, or worse "ok, if you insist" he usually means big fat NO.

 

[curiousjen]

Hello. Welcome to lit. I don't exactly know where to start advising you on this but feel like i should chip in because my situation is somewhat similar. Me and my husband are in a D/s relationship, but he is reluctant to engage in heavy SM (although spanking is becoming more and more his thing ) not because he feels guilty so much as (to simplify the issue a little for sake of conciseness) I was a chronic self harmer and he is not comfortable fucking with my pleasure/pain thingamabob lest it trigger a relapse. If that makes sense.

I have told him that I would like it heavier etc, but after telling him that, I am leaving it totally up to him. No matter how frustrating it is for me, I want his dominance/sadism to be totally natural and comfortable and spontaneous and his or not at all. I would rather live without it, if he judges it's inappopriate for me then I trust his judgement. It would mean nothing to me if I was dictating to him how to do it, or nagging him about it, or even dropping major hints because I would feel like that would negate the whole point of our D/s. (Dominance/submission)

However, you haven't stated whether or not you are into D/s, so maybe asking/nagging it from him would not be a problem for you, I guess you should think about whether you just want the SM pleasure pain thingy (and there's nothing wrong with that) or if you want the dominance stuff as well, in which case telling him how and when to do it might be very unsatisfying for you in the long run. Sort of like fast food when you want a nice italian meal. or something.

Either way, I think you need to sit down and openly talk about your feelings/ urges and what they mean to you and their implications.

I did, and it was the best thing I ever did

I'm sorry this has been rather rushed and it may raise a lot more questions than answer them. Feel free to PM me for further info and I will respond when I'm not so tired

 

[O'Mac]

I don't think anyone should ever feel pressured into anything along these lines. If the subject is forced on him I wouldn't be surprised if he gave up on everything. The best way to deal with this is to talk about it. Tell him what you want and what you want to do for him. Let him know what it means to you, but don't make any ultimatums. I'm not suggesting you are pushing this too far on him, but I've seen relationships damaged over these sorts of things.

Be honest and be open. In the end, what's best for both of you should be the result.

 

[laurel-marie]

I wouldn't throw in the towel.
You are seeing some moves 'forward'..he didn't like oral much before, now he does.
It might be slow, but I say if he is willing, then keep it up.

 

[redelicious]

What is the extent that you want or need BDSM in your life? My experience is that your husband probably isn't going to embrace the lifestyle unless it was already something that he had an inclination for. But, if he's ok with some S&M then you have something to work with, as long as you're ok with vanilla sex the rest of the time.

Keep in mind that people in relationships often do things for the their partners for no other reason then it makes their partner happy. Why should sex be any different? I think it's totally ok to express your needs without feeling like you're pushing (as in, "Honey, I really need a spanking tonight. Can you help me out?").

This would be a totally different situation if your husband was uncomfortable with the idea.

I've gone through something similar. It's taken awhile, but I think we are finding a place where we both are comfortable and get our needs met. That's the key IMHO.

 

[HTG]

I'd question how comfortable he really is. If he truely is comfortable, and willing to try new things, encourage him to do so. Just be prepared to try new things for him. He may stumble upon something he really enjoys doing. Sometimes people don't enjoy things because they aren't entirely sure what they're doing. Making sure he understands what he's doing for you will combat that. Some of his reservations may stem from general uncertainty. Most people think that there is a fine line between pleasure and pain, but have no idea where that line lies. If he's new to S&M activities, he may not be sure how to accomplish what he's aiming for, or even what he's aiming for. He may just be afraid of hitting you too hard, or not hard enough, or causing lasting injury. Developing good communication and feedback systems could help alleviate some of this worry.

 

[chris9]

I could have written that post... Well, except the blow-job part.

I have always known in a way I would like to try some domination and pain-play. For some time I just dropped some hints, but S didn't really pick up on it. Then I went to study in Italy for a semester, so we were reduced to communicating via e-mail. I really discovered Lit then, and found to courage to tell him what I want in no uncertain terms. And because we each had time to think about it and then think some more about how to convey it, we came to some sort of understanding that he wouldn't mind indulging me in it, though it might not be his favorite thing. Since then we have tried some things, learned some others with each other, and right now I feel our sex is nicely balanced out, with "vanilla" type sex mostly and every maybe two or three weeks some sort of power play.
When we started he felt uncomfortable spanking me (it felt stupid to him), but he is doing much better now
I believe it is pretty normal in a relationship to do things mainly because your partner wants to and then learning to enjoy them in the process. For me it was the same with blow-jobs. I didn't like giving them, but I did for him, now I just love it.
So you should maybe just ask him straight out (best in a non-sexual situation) if he would be ok to do this for you, but making clear at the same time that you don't want to force him and that it's ok for you if he doesn't want to. But then maybe when he sees you really want this he will do some research about it and then come to feel comfortable enough to at least try it.

 

[oddity83]

Start very slow and work your way up, he said he would so make him. Just remember if you try for to much to soon it will not work for the long haul.

 

[pandoravampire]

Hello, i have been in this situation twice, here are my outcomes:
scenario one. Long term relationship, turned from vanilla to bdsm. Great. Only not great, coz though we both had our own little fantasies to enact, none of them were compatable. We shimmied and slid around, trying to make ourselves compatable. Jesus, if we couldnt, we were going to be in trouble. We were happy, "if its not broke, dont fix it". We never came to be compatable. We are no longer a couple. What we'd both discovered as a need, not a want, we had to have. We could not get it whilst together.

Scenario 2. I want pain, he doesnt have a thing for sadism. We compromise. Spanking, ok. Flogging (coz its not really that painful, more show and sensation) better, so we go with both. We are both happy. Then, being the kinda person i am. Go and bye a whip. It looks fantastic!!! Even He can feel the power it weilds in your hand. Minimum effort, (and noise) and maximum effect! Now were both really happy

take you pick?
but let us know how it goes, i wish you all the best with this.


But i had to chirp in with something curiousjen wrote:

Hello. Welcome to lit. I don't exactly know where to start advising you on this but feel like i should chip in because my situation is somewhat similar. Me and my husband are in a D/s relationship, but he is reluctant to engage in heavy SM (although spanking is becoming more and more his thing ) not because he feels guilty so much as (to simplify the issue a little for sake of conciseness) I was a chronic self harmer and he is not comfortable fucking with my pleasure/pain thingamabob lest it trigger a relapse. If that makes sense.
Self harmers and spanking? Your assumption that ANY pain, will rekindle your self harming behaviours, is like saying, when i have my Brazillian done, it encourages my masochistic tendencies? NO way!

 

[curiousjen]

But i had to chirp in with something curiousjen wrote:

Hello. Welcome to lit. I don't exactly know where to start advising you on this but feel like i should chip in because my situation is somewhat similar. Me and my husband are in a D/s relationship, but he is reluctant to engage in heavy SM (although spanking is becoming more and more his thing ) not because he feels guilty so much as (to simplify the issue a little for sake of conciseness) I was a chronic self harmer and he is not comfortable fucking with my pleasure/pain thingamabob lest it trigger a relapse. If that makes sense.
Self harmers and spanking? Your assumption that ANY pain, will rekindle your self harming behaviours, is like saying, when i have my Brazillian done, it encourages my masochistic tendencies? NO way!

Sigh. I knew I shouldn't have tried to simplify the issue- I should have just left it well alone. A couple of things though

1) I never "assumed" or stated that ANY pain would trigger my self harm. I am perfectly aware the stubbing my toe or going to the denist or as you say having a brazilian done is ouchy pain and is not going to get me reaching for a razor.

2) However, erotic pain (which for me is what spanking is) involves much more than ouchy pain. It is fucking with the pleasure/pain threshold and involves me actually deliberatly enjoying physical pain, a little different from stubbing my toe, don't you think? COnsidering I was addicted to "enjoying" pain for several years in a not so good way, I think its fair to at least be careful when messing with similar sensations again

3) I am not saying that self harmers shouldn't get into bdsm.

4) I am not saying that self harm and bdsm are same thing

5) I am just saying that FOR ME i have to be careful and take it slowly with my past history, in case I trigger a relapse. Not everyone who self harmed has to do this, but I certianly do. Part of being a good submissive is knowing yourself and your limits.

Hope that clears up any misunderstanding.

 

[FurryFury]

Hey, you are just starting out. It may be his reluctance stems from not wanting to hurt you. That is a good thing in a way. Mine is like that.

When we first started. I would talk to him about how spanking, or the idea of it turned me on so much. How I was chat rp-ing it, that it made me come, lose count and generally go nuts just that way.

He was not interested. He didn't want to hurt me. He was worried that his violent side would open up, one that when open, he doesn't feel he can control. The whole idea left him cold. So I never asked. In fact, I told him in RL I might hate it. I would like to try it but I might turn around and slug him. LOL! (No I have never hit him, well a swat now and then, an arm punch, but we don't generally hit, when trying spankings on him he says I hit like a girl. No shit Sherlock!)

Imagine my surprise when during doggie sex, he softly spanked me. I called it a pseudo spank. I didn't say anything at the time. I rarely talk during sex. I'm working on that for him but anyway, I reacted in a strongly positive fashion. That delighted and thrilled us both.
He started to spank harder in other sex moments, and I liked it even better. Now he loves it and it was a slow, difficult place for him to get to and come to terms with. Well, I think we are moving slow but really we've only be at this about six months or so.

I just have to be careful not to say how sore my ass is later or how stinging. I LOVE that it is. To him, it translates to "You hurt me." I like that reminder, he does not. What can I say? It makes me smile.

The upshot of all this is, don't give up. Things can get better. As with all things in a relationship, if both partners are willing to work on it, it will usually get better.

*hugs*

Good luck.

Fury

 

[psyche1973]

Thank you for all your help. I think I am guilty of complaining/bragging about the pain afterwords, maybe that's what turned him off. This came after a particularly rough liason after which I could barely walk.
He seemed to be really into it and maybe I scared him away by letting him go to far? Maybe he needs a safeword? We've been together for a long time (12 years) and the trust is there , I just have to be patient. I know he has it in him but he may be afraid of his own strength.
You people are brilliant! Such insight! Thank you.

 

[FurryFury]

Thank you for all your help. I think I am guilty of complaining/bragging about the pain afterwords, maybe that's what turned him off. This came after a particularly rough liason after which I could barely walk.
He seemed to be really into it and maybe I scared him away by letting him go to far? Maybe he needs a safeword? We've been together for a long time (12 years) and the trust is there , I just have to be patient. I know he has it in him but he may be afraid of his own strength.
You people are brilliant! Such insight! Thank you.

Hi Psyche1973!

I do think that a safe word is very important in these situations. It's not enough, so I hear, to simply have that trust. It is supposed to make him feel better and you too, to have a safe word.

I don't have one yet. Mostly because we haven't gone anywhere yet that I thought was critical and needed it. Like you, I feel that we both have a huge amount of trust. If we deepen things though into this lifestyle, and I think we will, we need to do this too.

I have this idea in my head that I would never use it, no matter what. I have complete confidence I could get him to stop anything at anytime. Still, it makes good sense to do this and I will put that on my "to do" list.

So if he loses it one night or isn't sure, he knows that, theoretically I have that. It would really suck to have to explain in the middle of things wouldn't it?

I tend to be quiet except for little growls, murmurs, cries of passion, grunts and so on. I rarely talk during sex. I'm working on that for him. Now that we are talking about such things, out of the bedroom, I know that would make him happy, so I'm working on it.

It's funny, I can write anything explicitly and read them, but I can't say them, particularly in the bedroom during sex nor do I enjoy hearing them. Again, I'm working on it.

*hugs*

Fury

 

[LeahLo519]

My man isn't into anything mildly violent either. I keep telling him that I love to be dominated and he's very masculine...he just has a problem with it for some reason. He doesn't even like to hold me down. Once he told me that he didn't feel comfortable with it, I didn't push the issue. I don't want him to do anything he doesn't like and I also think it's kinda sweet of him, even though I wouldn't mind.